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pinakamasipag na tamad

i can't believe i lived past 17. I can't believe im closer to finding a job than being back in junior high. my lazy ass ideally wants to be hayahay and do nothing, but reality says hayahay is not really something i can afford, at least not yet. i dont know it still feels weird na a few years from now, im going to live a completely different life. im not sure what type of life ill be living, pero alam ko na magiging alipin lang din ako ng salapi!!!!!!!!! as the eldest daughter--- eme. i actually DO NOT want the conversation to go there. di ko na rin talaga alam anong gagawin sa buhay. ang tamad tamad ko pero lagi ko pa rin naman ginagawa mga pinagrereklamo kong gagawin sa buhay. half-assed nga lang most of the time. i dont know if thats a good thing, but for now, i think it is. rather than not doing anything at all, i think sometimes its okay to do things half-assed as long as it keeps you moving. siguro babagal nga lang takbo mo, pero at least di ka stuck. ewan ko, excuse ko na naman ata to kasi pinanghihinaan na naman ako ng loob sa midterm project na to. ayoko siyang gawin pero gagawin ko pa rin naman talaga. fake idgafer ako eh, bakit ba.

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“I thought this city didn’t have any gods.”

The pigeon grinned a beak full of dog’s teeth. “Ha. They say there aren’t. They even kept most of them out for a while.”

“How did you make it?”

“By being smart. By hiding.”

She gave the one-legged, feral feathered thing a sideways look. “As a pigeon?”

“Sometimes,” said the pigeon. “Sometimes I’m graffiti on a wall. Sometimes I’m a coin dropped in a beggar’s hand. I am neon at night, the rain in the light. I am the song the busker sings. I listen to the prayers of those who come to the city with big dreams.”

“And in return?”

It grinned again. Steam rolled off its feathers, smelling of cigarettes. “I eat their despair.”

“That’s cruel.”

It moved its wings in something like a shrug. “That’s the big city for you.”

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nostalgia is a disease!!!!!!!!!!!!

On Friday the 13th in the year 2020 I was still 16, turning 17 and was on my last year as a Junior High School student. Life wasn't particularly good, but it wasn't that bad either. I was the class monitor of our section and I made sure everybody knew by threatening people (some of the loud guys in our class) with an absent mark if they dared to piss me off. It was a running joke and they would tease me for being too hot headed.

Our class wasn't anything special. We were just normal high school kids who had way too much free time in their hands. Back then, we could all still afford to not take life seriously. The boys would often play games on their phones during vacant periods as ML (Mobile Legends) was on the top of mobile gaming apps at the time. Some girls joined them, while some were busy feeding and grooming their cats as they waited for their husbands to come home in the game called adorable home. I couldn't really play or do anything at that time like the others because my phone wasn't as updated and cool as theirs. And to be honest? I was too embarrassed to bring it to school so I would just sit there and would find some people to talk to. My close friends were the first people I would approach. Most of the time they were down to talk about anything under the sun, but then there were also times when I would choose to sleep instead.

At 16, you never really know what you want to do in life. I wasn't serious about anything except for my hyperfixations which mostly included YA/Distopian novels and K-pop. Me and my friends were loud loud when we talked about our shared interests with each other, not caring if others would hear us, which I doubt they did as we were all loud with our own circle (of friends).

Looking back, I think I never really got over that period in my life. I think some part of me is still stuck, waiting for Monday to come as normally as it would. I imagine myself going to school late and then paying the the 10 peso fine just so I could go past the gate, which the student council and the junior police officers heavily guarded. I would submit the attendance sheet I had for last week at the office on the third floor, and then get a new one for the new week that was about to come. I would starve not even 15 minutes into the first period of class even though I had proper breakfast, then ask my best friend to come with me to the canteen in the pretense of going to the CR. We would eat like we haven't been fed for the past 24-hours and go back to class with a full stomach, feeling sleepy when the post snack haze hits. Maybe we'd have a quiz and i wouldn't have a paper to write on because of the unpreparedness that came with being on your last year of junior high. Maybe we'd talk about prom and what we'll wear. Maybe I'd ask my friend if they would like to skip afternoon classes. We'll both say we will, but we would end up seeing each other at the classroom anyways. Maybe I'd steal glances at the person I liked and would call it a day if they looked back. I could go on and on, but it still wouldn't change the fact high school is over. I'm now 21 and I'm on the last semester of my 2nd year in college. And yet, somehow I'm still

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ALSO (kahit walang nagtanong)

i got to attend TDS2 HAH! it was around april last year and I CANT BELIEVE MAG OONE YEAR NA BAGO AKO NAG OVERSHARE (na naman) DITO?!?! i think i only open this app when im overwhelmed with all the stuff thats happening in the real world. although twitter exists (ay sorry-- X na pala siya ngayon tangina mo el*n) minsan i get conscious kasi baka masyado na akong maingay don at baka naiingayan na mga kaibigan ko HAHAHAHAHA

dito, at least di niyo ako kilala. di bale nang maingay, di niyo naman ako kilala HAHAHAHA ge bye tangina may gagawin pa pala ako HOOOH this shall not be my last post (makakasurvive ako sa school year na to)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

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cRINGE

reading every post i took active participation in (as i was the one who wrote them) made me want to delete them all SDRFAGHJ gago tangina ko ano bA TEHHHHHHH UTANG NA LOOB UEUEU di ko alam kung anong mga pinagagagawa ko sa buhay pero its good to know i can look back on the little (stupid) moments that I thought were significant enough to share with the people online tHE FEURK HAHAHHAAH umm,,, im still in college by the way. still cringe as ever, too, i fear but whatever! sabi nga nila "to be cringe is to be free"

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hindi ko to kayang ipa billboard kaya tinumblr ko na lang

So the day that I fear would come has came. SOUP FRIES SOUP FRIES! I DID NOT BECOME A TRAINEE HAHAHAH i didnt even know why i thought id ever become one. well, maybe i still do have a chance but right now id say the chances are very low because i stopped(?) trying-- well, sort of. But thats not the point. you see, IM IN COLLEGE now and the tuition isnt cheap. heck, I don’t even know if I chose the right course. we’re not even half the term yet but here I am having doubts because of whatever bullshit the voices in my head kept whispering about. I dont think theyll ever shut up. its just a matter of getting used to them i guess.  anyways i have a shit ton of activities to do and one of them involves doing physical exercise stuff WHICH IM NOT GOOD AT. made me realize how weak my body is and my audacity to even dream about becoming a trainee my god.  OH! remember my rant about the faulty laptop? GOOD NEWS! i got a new one (thanks to my aunt. YOU ROCK!!!) but you know, it’s me we’re talking about so there’s always going to be bad news..... I DROPPED IT ASJKHCKSJla and it hit my VERY ACTIVE VULCANIC PIMPLE ON MY LEFT CHEECK AS IT FELL FROM THE TOP BUNK OF OUR DOUBLE DECK. yes,,, i tried to catch the laptop with my face. dont ask why i had to catch it in the first place because i dont want to air my stupidity in public anymore. BUT! I HAVE GOOD NEWS AGAIN!  I GOT TO ATTEND NCT 127′S CONCERT IN MANILA I SAW 127 IN THE FLESH AND HEARD THEM SING LIVE WEGHFJAS TAEILS VOCALS WILL REMAIN UNPARALLELED!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was really lucky because my cousin bought the ticket for me. i didnt even think she was serious until she and her friends accompanied me to the entrance and gave me the ticket. [CRIES IN NEON TECHNICOLOR NEO PEAR CHAMPAGNE] i almost didnt get in though because i dropped my fawking ticket. GOOD THING THE SECURITY FOUND IT AND GAVE IT BACK TO ME EGDHJK okay i seriously need to get back to whatever activity i was “doing” BYE

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am i just dramatic or depressed? i can't seem to pick one

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monday tyongday ♡

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I just really think I'm unlucky. But if there's one thing I like about myself? It has to be my ability to reject the feeling of rejection. Does that make sense? Idk

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NCT at the 2020 MAMA Awards

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Update (I know no one reads these things but, there you go)

update on my umm "audition" thingy hahaha well sorry to disappoint but I did not make it😂 BUT!!! they said I can try again which is cute cause im actually scared of trying again cause I saw these rumored trainees who can actually dance and it got me thinking like, "why do I even bother" (to try). Anyways I'm I'm planning on trying again,,, and yes, I still think I'm a fool for doing this. But you know what filling up audition forms and stuff is actually fun😂😂 it's like a new hobby of mine now hahahaha.

If I still don't make it, then I guess I'll keep trying or I might give up halfway cause I honestly do not have that much confidence and don't know how to boost the "confidence" that I have left either. So I guess I'll just go where the wind will take me🤷

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dotae raising the audience rating with another episode of getting physical on national tv

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The biggest mistake you can do is undercut your own ability,  straight from its source. You are your number one fan. You are the one person who should always one hundred percent believe in you most. If you can achieve that level of self-belief, self-confidence, self-attunement, then you will pass like a breeze through obstacles, ready to dust yourself off and try again; because the only limitations that have ever mattered or will ever matter are your own - and if you impose none on yourself, the universe is infinite.

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what a nice year

so im just going to rant or make an essay or something about the things that has been happening around me ever since this pandemic started. for starters, i am not an expert on writing stuff and english isn’t my first language so this is probably going to be a mess.

i did a lot of pretty stupid things during this pandemic. i mean could you blame me tho? i was desperately trying to entertain myself. so yeah... i did this online audition thing and im kinda proud of myself for doing that? it was either brave or stupid because some days it felt ���wow that was brave of me” but most of the time i felt like an idiot.  and also i recently got into “K-pop” and im-- how do yall (kpop fans) even survive?! they’re so amazing and im crying-- i cant even--. and yeah since i got into kpop ive been learning korean (what? i wanna watch vlive without waiting for subs) but so far my progress has been kinda sloth-y (is that even a word? idk please tell me) cause the verbs and conjugation rules fried half of my braincells sooo... and also i couldnt open my instagram acc for some reason and my phone died so im using a “broken-barely-working” laptop whose keyboard cant even type “s” without this: “sw2748″ happening which means this entire essay or whatever took determination hard work and perseverance to write since it contains a lot of “esses”. if you made this far thanks and also sorry if i wasted your time hehe byeeeeeeee.