loudestsilence - Tumblr blog

[loudestsilence]

i thought i was doing better but come to find out that yeah.. maybe it is all my fault.

[loudestsilence]

i would have never guessed you’d change my life for the better.

it’s you.

it’s always been you.

[loudestsilence]

[loudestsilence]

No one does.

[loudestsilence]

“I am tired of waiting for you but not tired enough to let you go.”

— I’m so hopelessly in love with you, I can’t leave

[loudestsilence]

protect her at all costs

i’ve known you for nineteen years,

yet i still don’t really know you.

our relationship,

not really big on those three little words,

but we both know we do.

we talk about our day,

but not about the past.

not the part when you lost your dad.

the month you lived in your bed.

the month i couldn’t be there for you,

but only because i didn’t know how to.

because our relationship didn’t reach that level.

and i’m sorry.

night after night,

i wonder what it was like in your head.

but your heart, i knew.

the greatest, the kindest,

the most loving, and the most selfless.

but are you okay?

you’re not lonely, are you?

of all the things you went through,

the bad, the sad, the hurt, the lies,

i wish i could’ve protected you from all of it.

just the thought of you makes me want to cry.

i have a fear of old age,

but not of mine,

yours.

death is inevitable,

so how will i survive without you?

you deserve the whole world,

and if i could give that to you,

i would.

but right now,

i could only promise you a better future.

although i can’t always say this with ease

just know that,

i

l

y.

[loudestsilence]

dear dad

should have i forgiven you,

for all those sleepless nights,

of constant screaming.

a suffocation of anxiety and depression I was wrapped in,

with continuous thoughts and wonders of mom,

of what she was going through,

of what she was thinking,

of what she was going to do next.

if you guys were getting divorced.

if i had to make a decision of who i wanted to stay with.

but i guess the decision would’ve been easy,

obviously, i’d choose mom.

but that fear of offending you held on to me.

why?

i want to hate you,

for breaking up our family.

for doing the things you did,

for saying the things you said,

for being the person that you are.

you gave me the gift of a traumatizing childhood,

but all i can say is thank you.

thank you for making me realize the toxic father you are,

because i’ll be sure to never put my own through the same hell.

i used to think it was my fault,

for the things that happened.

that it was karma for whatever mischief i’ve caused in the past.

you made me blame myself for years now.

i begged to God that i was going to be good,

if He just saved my family.

they said home is where the heart is,

except mine was never to be found.

[loudestsilence]

HL

if i would’ve known this happened, i wouldn’t have done it.

all i can think about is rewinding time to end things but also rewinding time to feel some things again.

but all i can really do is move on, yet i don’t want to.

[loudestsilence]

Ever felt like the feelings weren’t mutual? A connection was missing? Something in the air didn’t feel right? It’s pretty sad if you think about it. Some days felt more special than other days. Sometimes I wonder whether I should try harder or don’t try at all. Sometimes I want them to try as hard too. It sucks because they say something one day and don’t follow through with what they say. They say actions speak louder than words, but I haven’t seen much action since.

[loudestsilence]

you came at the wrong time, baby.

[loudestsilence]

http://iglovequotes.net/

[loudestsilence]

I don’t quite remember when the anger began to mix with the sadness, when the happy went sour. If you were to ask me how I feel, I think I’d tell you nothing at all. I don’t know how else to say it. I’m just not feeling the way I used to.

“Limbo” remnant-thoughts (via remnant-thoughts)

[loudestsilence]

I should have told you what you meant to me because I never thought we would run out of time; I never imagined our story would have a sudden halt. I should have told you that you were a routine I would never be bored of. The idea of seeing you every day put my heart at ease and kept the raging storm inside me calm.  You kept me grounded during the days I felt hopelessly floating around in this cruel, cruel world. You made me feel emotions I thought I would never feel and gave me hope for a better future I always fail to acknowledge. You molded me to be better than I used to, dragged me out of the pit of sadness I wallowed in and walked beside me in the lonely path that is my life. I should have told you even if there were times when you irritated and got me upset, I always find myself running back to you.  I should have told you I loved your laugh and your weird quirks. I should have told you that you were my home. I should have told you that certain songs will always remind me of you and it’s not “you ruined my song” type of scenario but rather “I listen to it because I missed you."  Back then, you once asked me if I was glad that I saw you again after a long period of time but I never got to answer. So I’m going to answer it now: I would rewind time just to meet you earlier in this lifetime so I can spend more time with you. You are my person and I think that will never change.

lm // dear name, this is for you. (via a-confusedwriter)

[loudestsilence]

“If the only time I see you and we’re together is in my dreams. So be it, I’ll sleep all the time.

It’s just the pain of waking up and realising it’s not true, that’s the part that hurts the most”

- from the dreamland

[loudestsilence]

i've always wished to dream about you every night.

they say, the last person you think of will appear in your dreams.

well, that’s not a hard thing to do when you’re in my head 24/7.

there are nights where you don’t appear.

but on the nights you do, im the happiest.

i don’t get to see you.

but only in my unconscious mind.

dead to the world,

alive when im with you.

dreams are an escape from reality.

from the impossible.

being with you was the impossible.

hoping for the impossible to happen...

happened.

but only in my dreams.

[loudestsilence]

[loudestsilence]