lostboy-jr-blog

[lostboy-jr-blog]

“The irony of it was feeling so safe in such a dangerous place.”

[lostboy-jr-blog]

I just added more bricks to the foundation your pain had laid. Pain that had begun long before I came. Before I walked into your garden others stepped on your flowers and some just let them selves in. Your garden endured floods, then droughts and life changing hurricanes. Even when I was lost I remember all the colors all the feels and all the beautiful shapes. So much to your collection, I wanted to study them for a lifetime , nurture them, see them every day. Never a place so beautiful had I ever been , I wanted to tell this feeling to the world and go on and on about it to my kids. I planted some of my own flowers that I knew will never leave , too deep in the soil to up root , too strong for the winds , nurtured with love that will always bring you back to sit and see, the way the good memories blow softly and sway the leaves. I don’t think I’ll ever return , but I know I left a peace of me in this heaven. I pray every broken flower is replaced with stronger stems. Every seed blossoms and this haven regains it’s strength. Im sorry for running blind and knocking things over as i ran with excitement . I’m sorry I was not the care taker I said I would be, but I said one last prayer and it’s that your hearts finds the place it belongs , and you find somebody to take care of your garden the way it should be.

[lostboy-jr-blog]

Boisterous thoughts.

“Did a lot of begging and crying just slipping slowly for internal peace,

But them memories,

They don’t sleep.” -june

“I made promises I didn’t keep... I was the spitting image of everything I didn’t want to be.

I pray to god I’ve done enough to repent and that there is still hope for me” -July

“Just me vs all my demons

Pray for forgiveness if they ever beat me.

But if they do just know,

I didn’t make it easy.” - August

“Some are focused on how far you’ve come,

Others only on how much you have left to go.

But remember you made that walk alone . “ - September

[lostboy-jr-blog]

This dream I had , it’s just a prescription that wasn’t mine. It’s anothers antidote and my temporary high. It’s not for me so under the water it’s ripping at my insides. Now my inside match my outsides, flip it, upside down , sideways ... my reflection starring me back in the eyes. Your losing yourself, your withering away. That wish you made, this is your price to pay. This isn’t for you, let go and walk away. Don’t look back, love ain’t for you, buckle up and switch lanes.

[lostboy-jr-blog]

I wanted to be different but I guess the DNA couldn’t be switched up. The destruction was coded into my creation and spoiled a promised love. Never once did I consider it was me fucking up. Me pulling apart the foundation that’s instability I complained about. I was there to nurture and my actions only seized up the life to the roots I only meant to water and watch grow. I was a hypocrite, a manipulative presence. I sold promises of a home and place to feel safe . I destroyed paradise. A year and some change of trying to understand the open road and get back to the desired path. To be who I saw when I closed my eyes and envisioned my future with my one that became my home. I have to live with the what happened and wear the weight of my past and not only my scars but the ones I caused. I made strides during my time in the water and reminisced, remember not only the bad but the short stints of good within. I saw it as a kid and promised I never be there like that. No more try outs my one and done next. My next is my last. I learn from my flaws to become the man that my mom deserved. That my sister deserved that my grandma deserved. Be the man my life tailored me for. I will present a place to nurture wounds and regain faith . To feel loved and remember worth. Somewhere that, too love, we gave birth. Somewhere between heaven and earth. I cried as I re opened the scar to spill my sins. She said not word and just listened. I hesitated and I spoke, I hesitated and started again. My tears covering my lap . Planted firmly in my seat but shaking to revealing every tainted seed that I planted in a garden that only needed nurturing. My past. “You still there ?” “Please don’t hate me for who I was.” “I love you even more because you aren’t perfect” “ you have come a long way, and what you’ve done for my soul , I’m here for the long run” I had to forgive my self, to love again. This time the right way.

[lostboy-jr-blog]

There is this place that I go to , I close my eyes and I’ve arrived in time to where even my sins are accepted in full. My physical self no longer exists , but my inner form protrudes and becomes the shape of me and what is now first seen. This vacation from constant flowing time and ever expanding space is somewhere i can exist where nothing needs to make sense. I walk on water here and it’s possible by the gravity that makes the weight of my previous pain so hollow I could fly if I so choose too. I’m in love with this place , where I can feel whole , like every crack has been sealed up, every bit of damage goes unseen. When I leave this place I walk stronger on my previous plane but only longing to return because the joy from this one and only place that exists beyond the norm feels more like home. This place manifested something in me , that way it holds me in safety and acceptance, the look that is placed upon it self when I have fallen into its endless gaze. I feel wanted by the here that I longed for after so many then’s. Voyagers before me in search of this garden that reached there current location explained to me that there are no directions that will take you straight to your desired destination. You just happen upon this rare island. And you pray you never have to leave. Nurture it’s existence , sooth it on the days that are adjacent heavy storms, love unconditionally when conditions aggressively force there way in. I close my eyes and reminisce , I want to find this place when I open my eyes and when I do , this is where I will choose to live.

[lostboy-jr-blog]

I love you. I don't know your name but I love you, I don't know your face but I love you, If they ask what's your race I'll say i don't know but I still love you. Your a dream, your face changes every time I fall asleep, every time I stare off and get lost from reality. I thought I found you when I opened my eyes, 3 times, All lies. You weren't there. I think about the way you look at me and your eyes tell a thousand words , reassure me that we are still in our own world. Your touch levitates me off the ground , I'm superman you're earth and here I'm stronger because of our bond. I'm tired of opening my eyes and playing the same old song. Because it wasn't you, I took another hit to wounds that hadn't yet mended and the scares widened, now the hold on hope has loosened. You don't exist. I only see you when the windows close and the home needs rest. I only feel you when the wind creeps in, I only hear you when the soul drifts through the cracks of the walls that now hold its host in REM. I love you but I don't believe you exist outside of my dreams. I want to trace your body with my fingers as you fall asleep, I want to run my fingers through your hair to drift you comfortably to sleep. I want to remove those heals that have been tarring at your feet, from your long day at work and now I want to prepare the meal you will come home to and eat. I want to have your heart racing from every surprise I plan for my queen. I won't wait for valentines or your birthday to remind you of the love I hold for the one I love most dearly. I want to see tears in your eyes only from the joy that I've brought to your life. I want them to ask about you and with every address get closer and closer to calling you my wife. .......... I've been in the cold , doing this the wrong way, Because I feel you'll never find your way , To me, Or me to you. I've grown as cold as the souls the ripped me away from believing there's a "you", For me. I pray some day in this life or the next I find my way to my queen, outside of my sleep.

[lostboy-jr-blog]

You ever fell into somebody so deep , everything else felt erased. Like this being in front of you became the sky, the ground, the sounds around you, some how they even excise your pain. No ? I'm sorry you missed out. I felt this before , I fell, I disappeared, I drowned. I kind of lounged there, every day was so much better. You ever waited for something not knowing when it would arrive but it was worth the wait, incase you don't it's cus you never arrived at this fate. When it occurs it feels like it was meant to be . Until you experience it life feels like your stuck at sea. No land in sight. Sooner then later you stop looking for direction cus you think you've lost a fight. One you didn't even instigate . I mean who told you to sale out , you just woke up on this voyage and the land before just feels like a dream. Know what I mean ? Of course you don't . Maybe you have and we just see it differently , I mean most of my kind see a break in the mountains and just want to conquers the passage to brag about there expedition and show there friends there trophies. Not me, I mean I didn't have to fall , I guess a negative and positive attracted after all. Nobody need to know the depths I drowned to the heights I conquered cus the beauty that graced my presence had So much innocence , exhausted from disrespect and broken from neglect. I saw beauty in what a Pangea had become. But also in what it once was .

[lostboy-jr-blog]

The sex was always great, I believe the feeling was mutual but incase I'm wrong let's just let that idea sit on the sleight. No matter what you wore , the white lace with the pink bow or the big shirt that my closet told me you stole, you were sexy. No matter if it was planed and your make up and hair was on its highest stand or if it was at random and your curls lost in direction and your face was blemish full, I only saw someone who could never stop being beautiful. I won't lie the fat ass and the strong thighs always did something to me,I was...hypnotized. And prayed you never snapped, leave me in this trance. But what I wanna say goes beyond physical attraction , physical action and physical distractions. Your hooks railed into me the first time your hair nestled on my chest to find comfortable position. Your body was calm but my heart in the opposite direction. Speeding so fast I though it would have woke you but you remained so gentle. Your body intact with out moving or forming a dent. The way Two puzzle pieces fit and I didn't even know it made sense. It was the way your soul clung that made me feel blessed . How conversations went on forever even after verbal communication found its temporary end. This was different and I knew to keep it there was nothing I wouldn't spend. But I ran out of rent.

[lostboy-jr-blog]

It's been a while now , but it's still the same I'm still paying rent to stay in my sanity. Sometimes I come up short and the past show up just to kick me out. Face first on the pavement and it seems like there was always a drought till I was outside , got rain pouring from my vision, I'm seeing under water with drowning hope but my mentality keeps transcending when I'm thinking I can't no more. I got enough to get me back indoors. There may not be much furniture but at least I rather be under my sanity on the floor. I just want to find home. #TookThisFlick during my time in Chicago last year 📸*

[lostboy-jr-blog]

I dreamt about you last night , you had no face and no voice. But your touch , your vibe, your love. Do you only exist when i close my eyes ? Am I only worthy when I'm past rem? I know time can stop when I'm awake , I know the sky can be other colors besides blue when I walk on this plane. I've felt it before. I questioned why I was born this way but I know somewhere somebody dreams about some one like me.

[lostboy-jr-blog]

Bruh, why dad always cut your hair so low? didn't know what a fade or a line up was till I was about 11. Look at you , what in the world could you possibly be stressing ? Trynna upgrade your orange belt to the next shade of ass kicking , You was a short mf but that attitude had them load mouths in position. When did you ever stop smiling? It seemed your jaw was stuck on cheese like you was always camera ready. Even when zaae was born there was no jealousy, you was grinning from ear to ear, struggling from carrying her around cus her ass was so heavy. "No dad I got her. Let me !" Run around in your under wear, no nut hair, building super hero lairs in the living room hiding when you heard them steps hug the stairs. Trips to universal and the movies often, even on bad days , waters rough, high tide but you ain't never flip when the boat rocking. What happen? You saw "your a bitch" always flying. Ducking when them "fuck you's" started swanging. Made you a lil cold inside but the ac on 75. You saw but could not address the lies , just hope that you could do enough to make the storm rise and lift heavy eyes out of the water. She is your daughter. My sister. And I , her protector. I was her umbrella in the rain, her retreat in the war. I was there too make sure she never got lost in the storm. She was a free one, she would leave mom, and run for the pool and free jump. But she can't swim, shit I can't too. But nobody watching I got to do what I got to do. Lil dumbass we almost died but since that day I know I'd die for you. But protecting you made winter last a lil longer , the shield kept you safe but the medal became a little less harder. High school around the corner, I remember you. Goofy ass long hair no blowout just a head band , polo shirt, cargos, and your new shoes. Met your brother that day, Ivener and carl too. I mean youll never be blood , but i know you jump in front of that nine, for him, before seeing 6 down for some of your other kin. You was a smooth talker but no shot caller. No hollister but aero had sales. I remember how badly you wanted to be cool like jaylin, Isaac, and dale. But that lime light wasn't for you, had to be a little more lowkey, but you see, you tried to hard , and it left you where you are. Straight F's to represent your freshman start. Playing catch up for 36 months. I bet now you know it wasn't worth the fun. Man I miss the sun, seeing you walking to the field to start off on the gridiron with some suicides and coaches "fun runs." Didn't last long, don't flex, had the skill but didn't have the grades. Could been better but you thought life owed you something? Df life owe you? What did you do for life to be in debt to you? Boy you went to cypress creek, you had to earn yours like everybody else fool. But you made it, 2 hours before rehearsal, no seat reserved cus they thought you wasn't game but you laced up. "Up all night , glass full u prefer the better thanngs , you gunna fucking graduate so you can see them fucking teachers hating!" Up all night just to make the grade, just to see your mom crying here your dad screaming when you walk the stage. Cap and gown, at the time I would have preferred a fitted but I walked that stage like a king with his crown. Those three years weren't wasted. You was down in the first quarter but that series was 3-1. You won, boy get you ass to cocoa beach and soak up the sun cus you a bad mf from the 407 and now you earned some fun. So why did you leave ? Was it really dad ? Or was you scared of being nothing? Did you see that maybe home wasn't home any more and you was in search of something ? I guess you still don't know ? You might never ! But I hate seeing you this way I miss seeing you when you was lighter then an angels feather. Now you seem a little heavier closer to the ground. Seems you talk a little less and you just soak up the moments of empty sounds. Seems you struggle to cheese like it's gone rotten. Did it have something to do with Chicago ? When you was happy to be a dad , but bad luck and your demons left you back in that barracks room all alone. You where picking out baby names , your son would be a king, so king it was. I'm sorry that the complications took you from us. I'm sorry that you wanted to cry but didn't know how to, sorry that you felt alone in crowd and couldn't leave the room. I'm sorry that you reached for a hand but those palms where all slippery you can grip hard but you slid through. Sorry for what washington did to you. I'm sorry that you fell head over heals for her brown skin and the way her lips feel. Sorry that 3 months felt like 6 years and the "I love you" spilled . I'm sorry that you didn't love your self so you needed her too for the both of you. I'm sorry you didn't look into the mirror and see what she did to you. What you did to you. What the navy did to you. What mom and dad did to you. What life did to you. I'm sorry that you are always so sorry for things you did and didn't do. I should have been there to stop you. When 3 sleeping pills turned to a dozen. I know you didn't want to kill you. You wanted the starring off to end, that and the tossing and turning in bed, also the dirty looks to your self in the mirror while you tried forcing your smile to bend. When, Did you become this broken? When did sleeping become not enough ? Why did all escapes become a bust? Why do you sit there and take those little white pills ? Is it cus the green ones didn't work and the pinks ones had the same feel? Why do you always stare at them before you intake to your soul. You have so many miles on you , seems now like you're going down a hill tapping every now and then on the brake to not get lost in a burning crash and role. You always had the answer when there was help in need. You where sweet fruit and a hungry soul needed to feed. You welcomed tortured minds with zenful sleep. You enveloped pain with joy and made a smile from grief. You don't want to be alone but here you are, On a carrier fifty five thousand sailors strong. Still alone. Far from home. Far from fixed. Far from the shores of where you where born. Out at sea. But maybe it's where I belong. We don't always end up where we want to be, you don't always get to choose the song. You have to role with what you got because this point in life seems like it might be a little long. You gave up the smokes and the heavy drinking too. I just want to see you get back to you. She might be out there , maybe she isn't? Maybe your scares will never be mended. But you'll never find that job that makes you happy to come to work in the morning But at least those moments when you are you, You made somebody's life less boring. You where there when they needed you, the best that you could be, you have a beautiful soul no matter how much it is bleeding. Your smile and compassion planted many seedlings in broken beings and that gave you meaning. Deployment is here , please don't jump. I know you think about it but stop. Before you ever do listen and see. Hear moms broken heart from knowing yours no longer beats. See zaae's eyes that will be enveloped by the sea and no one will ever be able to dry. I'm not sure what dad will do but I know he'll sit there and wonder why? Why did his son that fought so long, give up and die ? Hear your brothers silence because they can't understand why. Here abuela say a little extra prayer every night. For Germancito who lost his fight. Don't do this to them, they are the reason your smile always bent. Up. And away. Little did you know you where the one that always saved the day. You are the hero you always wanted to be, and did it effortlessly. Please don't go sleep. There are two important days in your life. The day you are born. And the day you find out why.