lost-hope-s

[lost-hope-s]

Sometimes I find myself so angry all I want to do is scream. But every time I open my mouth there is nothing to say. And it irks me because all I want to do is feel better but it seems like I can’t.

[lost-hope-s]

I get home. And I go to my room. And now I’m hyperventilating on my bed with tears drowning me.

[lost-hope-s]

I was finally thinking I wasn’t so alone and then tonight proved me wrong. Nights like these always do.

[lost-hope-s]

Who will save me now?

[lost-hope-s]

I used to feel alone. Now I am alone. I look around and no is by my side like they used to be. All day the same thought has entered my mind. I am utterly and completely alone now.

[lost-hope-s]

I tried so hard to make it okay by no matter what I say your back is always facing me. Id beg you to meet my eyes but you never cared for what I said anyways. Always waiting on me will I ever get it right? Seems like I could never be enough. I was never here when you needed me but weren’t you always by my side? Staring at the blade then looking to my screen, hoping to see your name, I apologize but what’s my sorry worth if it’s just a word. After blaming me you say no one is to fault. Did you want me to agree or rebel with the fact that all I’m capable of is flaws? I could never reach you no matter how hard I tried and you claim you could always reach me in time. Is it cross canceling or double standards that are effecting me. I’m all alone going through the night with tears flooding my face learning to live waiting to die. You took a vacation to my everyday life and now you can’t deal with the blood on your hands. Don’t blame me for your mistakes. I’m tired of living to rectify what you said I’ve done.

[lost-hope-s]

Within a moment, your scent passes me and I’m stabilized. I am doing everyday things when it hits me. Your cologne lingers in the air and like a dog in love with its owner I look up to the air hoping your smell is matched to your face. It isn’t. As soon as it was here it leaves and I sit for a second. My nose remains confused and my mouth craves yours. I crave the taste of you just as much as I crave anything else. With each hug I breathe you in and you take over my lungs. With each kiss you are forever embedded into me because my lips have memorized you. I long for you embrace. Your arms around me. Just as I long your lips to be on mine. I so desperately desire you in so many ways I frighten myself. I can never escape. I’ll never get you out of me. You run through my veins and seeing my blood has never been such a priority now. I love you and the very idea of that ruins me because if I love you I’ll never make it out.

[lost-hope-s]

Emptiness floats through me as the rain hits the ground. The sound is overbearing and I can’t feel anything. The car is shaking but so am I. I can’t tell which is worse. I find myself staring out the window trying to feel something that’ll give me some sort of semblance to happiness. But all I find is this constant sadness. My sorrows eat me alive daily. It all tears me apart. The memories. The burden. My eyes feel heavy but so do my shoulders. I am carrying too much , yet nothing at all.

[lost-hope-s]

Shaking. Crying. I deserve the blood. I’ll never make it out alive.

[lost-hope-s]

I used to cry daily. Now I cry weekly. That’s all these fucking pills have done.

[lost-hope-s]

sadness shakes my body. I am no longer myself. I try to find a light. But nothing ever shines as bright. Than my blades late at night. I’m so sad. I hope I don’t live to see another day. My tears flood me. Just as my blades cut me.

[lost-hope-s]

I am the same me in different chaos.

[lost-hope-s]

Sunset, sunrise, we all pray to a god we hope exhausts because the reality of us living to die rips the hair right off our skin- we stand tall but it’s all angles. Our fearlessness portrays us but we all have those nights where sleep won’t come but the pure nature of our curiousity kills us. Will this all be for nothing?

[lost-hope-s]

Her.

I miss her so much. I crave to flash a smile at her right now. Only because the one I got in return fulfilled me. My shoulder damp with her tears and hers with mine. I miss not feeling alone. But we’re separated and I’ve never felt so lost. Seeing her for moments don’t suffice and I’m scared. What if she forgets about me? What if she replaces me in ways I could never replace her? I miss her hugs and her reassurance. I miss being alone with her. I miss knowing I was loved just in the way I loved. But now uncertainty creeps in and I’m scared. Will she love me even if she forgets me?

[lost-hope-s]

I am all alone. No one will ever truly know me.

[lost-hope-s]

Her.

She is gone and I am alone. She did not leave but she is gone. She promised to stay and she did but yet we find ourselves without one another. Tears fill my eyes when I hug her and she simply lets go. I cannot. I cling onto her memory as tight as I can for letting go means saying goodbye when I’m stuck here. Why say goodbye if you’re not going anywhere. I gave these demons by myself now and I crave her prescience. She made it better. She was my little butt of sunshine on a rainy day. But my sunshine’s gone and I’m lost.

[lost-hope-s]

Life is good. It’s supposed to be. I look around and so many good things surround me. Great friends. Amazing boyfriend. Understand teachers. Loving family. And yet I find myself in this chaos that is me. Failing over and over. Bad grades. Messy room. People try to help me out of this hole I’ve dug myself but I refuse. I don’t know why. I try to let people in. But with all that I have shared there is still more in me that I long to scream out.