look-at-me-by-your-window

[look-at-me-by-your-window]

I don’t really write anymore, I only do when I’m sad.

…guess I’m gonna write more.

[look-at-me-by-your-window]

For 4 months, I hated listening to Taylor Swift’s songs…

I remember, we used to listen to them together and critic each albums, each songs, and each lyrics. We used to discuss what those songs mean and what are they about, what better album we think or what album to play on the trip…

We used to play ‘guess the song’ and we know all of them just in the first notes. Even the ‘The Alcott‘ or even the songs that Taylor was just featured in. No one wants to get defeated.

Each would want to win. Until I realized (while this song was playing), ‘the great war’ was over and no one won.

We did not survive The Great War.

We are not together anymore but the songs are still there for me to listen to. And it made me hate listening to them because they sting sometimes, even the ‘it was the very first night’ and the other supposed to be happy ones.

It’s not like the flowers that I can trash out and they’re gone. Or the pictures that I can burn or the gifts that I can just throw away and I’ll never see them again.

These songs are everywhere. In my work, every passenger boarding and deplaning, and any coffee shops around, and every notes of them were all cues for me to remember who knows the song better or who can guess that song faster.

These notes are cues of what those lyrics remind us of or cues to remember where we were when we were talking about that song.

She’s not my ‘Daylight’ anymore, but the song still reminds me that it used to be her.

She’s no longer my ‘Call it want you want’ type, but the song still reminds me of what she did to deserve the song.

We’re not going to listen in silence to ‘You are in love’ anymore, but the song will always make me want that silence.

We don’t need to decide what album to play on the road anymore, but each album would always take me to that spot where we listen it to while driving.

And mostly, we are not going to listen to these songs together anymore… but all of these albums, songs and lyrics, will always reminds me of us and what we were before.

I know deep inside that it has to stop. 

That for those 4 months gone and the missing, comes the thought that I would never want it back again.

I am traumatized. 

And even there are some times in the past that I was Loved, I was taken cared of, and was made to feel some kind of way… I was also misunderstood. I was unappreciated. I was ‘tolerated’, and I was taken for granted.

And all of these feelings and songs that happen to match sometimes, do not mean I want us to be ‘us’ again.

I want to remember the good times, but I also have to remember the sad ones. It’s all in one.

In the end, these songs will remain in existence but for sure these memories will fade in time. 

‘Peter’ for example, is telling us that we can all sit in by the window ( to watch, to reminisce, or even to wait) but if the time feels like it, we can always (hopefully be strong enough) to turn off the light. (And even if we are still sitting there, they don’t have to know) because somehow…

These feelings will end and for sometime in the future, another face will be revealed making these songs alive for us again.

[look-at-me-by-your-window]

lost myself along the way of looking someone like you,

good thing, someone better than you found me ( i would have never thought of that idea)

[look-at-me-by-your-window]

Hello, I guess I’m back and trying to log again.

Iz been hard to sleep lately, I’m actually physically tired from working out and playing badminton and that supposed to be having a good long sleep, but unfortunately, I don’t.

I was already able to read some of my past logs here, and kind of impressed on my writing skills but was worried a little for my past self. I kind of feel too that I changed a lot.

I not that sad anymore. I’m not that insecure anymore. I’m not that depressed anymore.

Maybe, I’m still confused, maybe I still don’t know where I am going but at least now, I know who I wanted to be already. i want to be more free.

Still vague tho, but I want to be braver in doing the things I feel like I want to do. If I want to love, I will Love. If I want to ghost, then I must do it. Or just anything…

Regardless of how unkind it is for other people… regardless if that does not fit into their boxes. I will prioritize myself.

Except for the thought that I might be in love right now.

There’s Von, who I recently met and known and we are quiet exclusively dating.

[look-at-me-by-your-window]

Why do I have to meet an Angel like him... when he can’t sit beside my throne?

[look-at-me-by-your-window]

Why do I feel like I should never trust them again? Are we really friends?

 Yes, I also have my shortcomings before. I have my secrets too. I’m not even trying to open up with them, about myself. But when I finally did, I feel betrayed. I really thought it was worth to try again.

 I started to be myself to a person again. I tried to be open. He was an already known friend before I out myself to him. 

After comfortable encounters and time together with other friends, I started to really trust him the details of my explorations as a pansexual/bisexual/or just someone who’s not straight (lol). He seemed to be interested and relative. And for a year, he established himself to me to be someone I can really really trust. (I remembered Yuu, he used to be the only person I trust before. Maybe until now, but we don’t talk anymore).

 He was James –

 We were churchmates for a year. He knows what I am. I told him. I let him in to my explorations as a friend- As someone I can update with everything. From the person who I see as hot or to someone I slept with, (sometimes, with some specific details) lol. I really trusted him. I thought for a year that it’s ok to only have one friend or a brother to be like that and everything is going to be alright.

 Good thing, we don’t have a romantic attachment”, (not like Yuu. We had)”-  that’s how I thought about us, but until after a year and some months. He suddenly told me that He Likes Me, (and For Almost a Year Already).

 The feelings are not mutual, so…

…I think I lost James.

   Erick-

 The only reason why he is here, is because I respect the friendship we have for almost 10 years now. But I hate him now. (Maybe just now.)

He opened up to me as someone who is confused sexually. He told me I was the first person to know about it. I was kilig that time (in a friendly way). I never thought he would trust me like that, but he did. So I thought of trusting him too, since I relate to him as someone who started to know myself the same way, scared.

 He also told me he likes James.

 This was, I think, 3 months before James confessed to me. I didn’t care that much that time. I was a only a little hyped about them that time, but I just listened to him. He also told me that he never told anyone about it but me and that I should keep it.

And as a committed secret keeper, I tried my best to keep those, I also start to trust him and add his name to the list of the “People I can be myself with, and who can relate”.

 …But once upon a time after James and I clarified everything, someone else told me that James already know that Erick likes him. And that Erick Already knows that James likes me. James rejected Erick because of me.

And all that time, I know nothing.

 I realized now that they only came to me because of these bullshits.

James was there because he secretly likes me. Erick was there to test me. And now I’m crossing their names out. I will trust no one again, probably for a long time.

[look-at-me-by-your-window]

Hi Red,

I really wished you liked me. I really wished you’ve pursued me. I really wished you are who I am imagining every single night.

Though it’s my fault. Not telling you what I want. 

Abd now I’m just tired. Now I just wished I never met you at all.

But I’m leaving my door open, but slowly moving the furniture away from the room I created for us. I might leave soon. 

The windows are open too. Still watching you. But it’s getting late and darker. I might close the curtains soon too. 

[look-at-me-by-your-window]

So yea. just want to log this. 

It’s been bothering me since yesterday.

I had a dream the other day about us adopting a baby. I don’t why but we do. And we seem all to be happy about it. But one of the moment on that dream, I suddenly looked out of the window and there is a cemetery. And there’s someone going down that 6ft rectangular hole. I was too busy with the baby to figure out who is the dead person and whose house are we in. (but definitely, i was dreaming that the house was ours, just American style. lol)

And just last night, I had a dream about being a single dad and having a twin babies left with me to take care. They are really super adorable and cute tho, I even made a tiktok video there (I just don’t know why she, “the wife” left us) 

I don’t know why I am dreaming of babies and people that seems to be going away. Maybe someone help me. XD

[look-at-me-by-your-window]

Need more time, to figure myself out - Am I broken?

3 yrs ago, I was just fine but each year pass- and my soul changed my body, my mind, my life.

Each year, I became sad- anxious and cold.

Each year I became taller, but can't reach the goals, the standards

I isolate myself, look down to myself. Now all I know Is to be there - only for myself.

Maybe, I really Need more time to figure myself out - Am I gonna be ok?

[look-at-me-by-your-window]

this just makes me realize that if I could love the wrong person like this, imagine how much I can love the right one.

I want to write my feelings for you. This time I won’t invalidate it. This time I will just let it flow. This time I will make sure I will listen.

First of all, I know, I just met you once. But it’s enough to know that I like you. That I would want to see your face everyday for the rest of my life.

Second, I know also, that I only know you a little- Only from the songs you sent me. From the rants you told me, and from all the known secrets you shared about you. I could say it’s already a lot, but no. Whoever will say that it is enough, will be proven wrong. I could prove them wrong. I want to know you more.

I know you’re somebody else. I know you’re someone more than a person with a sultry singing voice… more than a cool bassist… Somone more than a sweet romantic cookie baker. I know you’re more than how I know you behind screen.

You’ll never know how you are a mystery to me. You made me want to hear your “hahahaha” in person. I want it every minute of my life. I would also want you to share me all your “huhuhu” or “Hnnngh” on my shoulders. I want to have the toughest back you know that got you. (You know, I always got you, remember?)

After this ecq, I want to know how Chicken Wings tasted in Salted Egg flavor. I want to have a lot of drinks, I want to hike again, I want to visit music stores once again… or maybe, I just want to do whatever you want to do. I want to go wherever you want to go. (But it would be really sad without you.)

I want to be by your side when your sad, or when you stumble. I want to be the one to pick you up. I want to be the one who will gonna say “It’s ok” and that “Everything is gonna be alright, cause you’re the best person I know."  (Because you really are)

I want to support you to wherever your passion is with. You want a game buddy? Or one-true fanatic of your craft? I would be the most willing one.

I may not send you bouquet of flowers, but I will surely bring you to all the flower gardens, or sanctuaries we could go into. I will never want a flower die in your hands or will allow a petal to fall between us. I want us to live with them. Or maybe we can make a garden of our own. We can plant a bunch, or hang orchids around. (As many as you want) I want us to smell them together. I want to walk with them while holding your hands. I want us to grow with them. I want us to bloom with them.

But most importantly, I want you to pick me first.

I know its too much to ask… Or maybe impossible, but still I insist. I wish you could.

I don’t think If I can stop myself from thinking about you… or from thinking about what we could ever be.

[look-at-me-by-your-window]

I kind of lied again.

It is you. Not just "the Closest in Mind"... it is you all along.

It's your hands that I need,

It's you who I wish I could trust.

It's you who I failed to give the love that you deserve,

It's you, the only one that's worth,

It is you who worth my life.

Yes I will mind if you hate me.

Probably, because I already hate myself too.

[look-at-me-by-your-window]

hype

[look-at-me-by-your-window]

Looking back, I realized how soft I was before. How kind my mind was, and how open my heart was.

Was that beautiful?

I changed a lot. I change the way I trust promises. I change the way I look on someone’s eyes. I change the way I speak about my feelings. 

I became cold. Like a coffee forgotten on someone’s table. But after all, I like Iced Coffee. I just need someone to put Ice on me... and maybe I’m still good to go.

[look-at-me-by-your-window]

Lately, I have a lot of spare time to think.

Sometimes, i think about you.

How are you?

I know you miss me. You've been telling me. But my comebacks weren't all that sweet. (actually, not at all, right?)

I was thinking about You. But I don't know if I miss you, or if I miss somone... or anything at all; But one thing I'm sure - I have been thinking of you.

I was thinking about you. About how much I care about you before, and how you liked it.

It's embarrasing, but sometimes there were daydreams... about you and I.

Yep, I made a world in my mind-   just you and me.

Sometimes, I spend nights hugging and kissing my pillow thinking it was you. As if I was kissing your hair and whispering how I feel for you.

These days make me think of you and honestly... I like it.

It made me realize how special you are to me. It made me want you more.

[look-at-me-by-your-window]

Lately I've been so tired and scared at the same time.

I can't understand why there are people who likes to break a perfectly good heart.

I'm so tired of being soft and kind,

And I am so scared to open up again.

I can't understand why I always trust the wrong people? And even worse, hurt the good ones.

I feel sorry for myself.

I feel sorry for my body, for not being able to protect its soul...

I feel sorry for my mind, for not protecting its peace.

I feel sorry for nurturing a naive guts and a fragile heart.

I feel sorry for myself...

For not being good enough.

[look-at-me-by-your-window]

I want to write my feelings for you. This time I won't invalidate it. This time I will just let it flow. This time I will make sure I will listen.

First of all, I know, I just met you once. But it's enough to know that I like you. That I would want to see your face everyday for the rest of my life.

Second, I know also, that I only know you a little- Only from the songs you sent me. From the rants you told me, and from all the known secrets you shared about you. I could say it's already a lot, but no. Whoever will say that it is enough, will be proven wrong. I could prove them wrong. I want to know you more.

I know you're somebody else. I know you're someone more than a person with a sultry singing voice... more than a cool bassist... Somone more than a sweet romantic cookie baker. I know you're more than how I know you behind screen.

You'll never know how you are a mystery to me. You made me want to hear your "hahahaha" in person. I want it every minute of my life. I would also want you to share me all your "huhuhu" or "Hnnngh" on my shoulders. I want to have the toughest back you know that got you. (You know, I always got you, remember?)

After this ecq, I want to know how Chicken Wings tasted in Salted Egg flavor. I want to have a lot of drinks, I want to hike again, I want to visit music stores once again... or maybe, I just want to do whatever you want to do. I want to go wherever you want to go. (But it would be really sad without you.)

I want to be by your side when your sad, or when you stumble. I want to be the one to pick you up. I want to be the one who will gonna say "It's ok" and that "Everything is gonna be alright, cause you're the best person I know."  (Because you really are)

I want to support you to wherever your passion is with. You want a game buddy? Or one-true fanatic of your craft? I would be the most willing one.

I may not send you bouquet of flowers, but I will surely bring you to all the flower gardens, or sanctuaries we could go into. I will never want a flower die in your hands or will allow a petal to fall between us. I want us to live with them. Or maybe we can make a garden of our own. We can plant a bunch, or hang orchids around. (As many as you want) I want us to smell them together. I want to walk with them while holding your hands. I want us to grow with them. I want us to bloom with them.

But most importantly, I want you to pick me first.

I know its too much to ask... Or maybe impossible, but still I insist. I wish you could.

I don't think If I can stop myself from thinking about you... or from thinking about what we could ever be.

[look-at-me-by-your-window]

My Heart's all yours

My Heart's all yours