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lonelyboichronicles-blog · 7 years ago

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November 9, 2017

Hello world,

I’m not questioning the title of this blog. It’s funny because I imagined that my life would get better and then I’d make some grand realization that would really wrap up this online journal nicely. Instead, this realization is taking place on day two. WE’RE AHEAD OF THE CURVE PEOPLE!!!!

The last three day, I’ve had incredibly deep and heavy convos with my three different friends. Only one of them was about me personally, but all three played a big role in helping me understand myself and what I’m currently going through.

The first convo was about my friend’s living situation. He’s in a very serious relationship (the only one of my peers who I’ve ever felt like their relationship was “goals” worthy). He’s talking about what’s cost efficient, planning a future for him and his girl, really adult shit. He made this whole point to talk about how he can’t keep thinking selfishly and has to think bigger picture. My friends inspire me. It was powerful and a testament to how well he’s currently doing this whole adult thing. We also talk like daily, but rarely do we get that deep, so I appreciated him randomly opening up to me about the shit.

Second convo was about me. See yesterday, I was feeling miserable and went into my old messages and just started reading rude ass messages about myself. Some of the shit, re hurt my feelings and had me reliving moments and shit. It was kinda bad, but it felt good. I’m not like into pain or anything. I came to realize that I’ve been numb. Lost, for more reasons than that girl getting a boyfriend (although that probably is part of it lol). I have been feeling off for a minute now, and it kind of helped me realize that yeah I was just not giving a shit about much and just been not really allowing much to phase me positively or negatively. That rude shit as negative but it felt good to feel it regardless. My friend thinks invalidation in college did it. I’m not sure it was the invalidation as much as it was the powerlessness of being stuck there. I gained nothing from being upset so I stopped giving a shit about things I couldn't control. Slowly it went from shit I can’t control to everything.... woaahhh. Do I think I can’t control anything?! Am I not in control of my life or the things in it?! Did I have a realization mid post?!? Anyways it helped me realize that I have some healing to do in some certain areas.

Today, my long time friend who’s the busiest person I know, opened up to me about how lonely he is. How he dedicated so much time to his craft and business that he lost a lot of connections. He no longer had anybody but his family, his business partner and me. Mid convo he asked me who I was texting and what about. I told him i have like 3-4 people who text me daily. We talk about bullshit but we still run it regardless. He’s like wow, you have a bunch of people talking to you. He said it makes sense. He said people are talking to you because you add or provide something to their lives. I said I think it’s because I’m genuine. He said, its partly that, and partly because you care a lot. I told him i’d add him to the daily texting rotation so he doesn’t have to feel alone because i don’t like the people I care about feeling badly.I very much believe you get what you give in relationships more times than not. I care about people and they care about me.

That brings me to today though... am I a lonely boi?! Not really. I have amazing people in my life. They support me and care about me. I do the same for them. I have people who wanna talk to me daily. I have people who are willing to process my feelings with me and talk me off a cliff, I have people who wanna express to me their big plans for the future and hear my thoughts on it. I am alone romantically. It makes me sad, but in terms of overall presence, there are plenty of people in my life. I do feel lonely in experience though. People give me perspective, but I rarely do feel like people actually understand me. That depresses me sometimes. But yeah, I guess in the respect I’m still a lonely boi. Lonely in my personal thoughts. Single boi mostly. Emotionally Lonely Single Boi. Not as catchy so we’re gonna stick to lonely boi.

Searching for resonating feelings,

Lonely Boi

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lonelyboichronicles-blog · 7 years ago

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November 8, 2017

Hello and welcome. I am the Lonely Boi and these are Lonely Boi Chronicles. I got a post for you today, but I’m gonna start by explaining what this is going to be. It is venting. Online therapy. A journal/diary. This is more for me than anybody but if people find it and can relate, then I’m glad we can all support each other and have a conversation. Daily, I will be talking about my life, my day, my thoughts, and my journey as I look to get over myself and my personal issues in like while I search for happiness in like and within myself and whatnot. This first one will be a little heavy considering I’ll have to give you some background, but HERE GOES!!!

So I’ve been single for about 4 and a half years now. I guess I’ve only felt like it for about 3 though. When I fall for girls, it’s usually really hard. I can explain exactly what happens. I think they’re attractive right? Start having conversations and just pick up on small things that I really like. After that, its over with. My mind does the rest. It imagines our life together. The dope ass perfect dynamic that I think we’d have based on things I’ve seen, what I know of myself, and what I personally want. Next thing you know, I’ve fallen in love with somebody that I barely have any momentum with. I guess I’m not really falling in love with them. More so falling in love with the idea of them, or with what we could potentially be. It always happens, and I feel crazy and pathetic for it, but it is who I am and I need help.

My last relationship started the same way. A girl I thought was beautiful so I started talking to her. I heard awesome things about her, we had some cool convos, I felt like we were perfect for each other, so naturally I wrote our entire love story. Execution though. MY BIGGEST WEAKNESS. It’s essentially non existent. I tried for years to like let her know how i felt, to find out how she felt, to make something happen. Never worked. It got to a point where I found out she was messing out with (”dating”) some other dude and that I should probably give up. I started dating somebody else, hoping it would help me get over it. It did but didn’t. My feelings didn’t go away, but I stopped thinking about her as often as I did before. That relationship was toxic so we parted ways in the messiest way possible. That when i realized that I never got over the girl from before, but I told myself I was done trying. Well what do you know.... once I stopped trying, it came together and we started dating...3 and half years after the initial feelings developed.

You can paint a picture of what you think it’ll be but it rarely turns out that way. In SO many ways, we had a bunch in common, but in just as many ways, our personalities clashed. I was stubborn, she was insecure, it was a roller coaster that I was willing to ride because I loved her so much but I had to cut ties because I didn’t wanna lose her forever. We transition to friendship...it took a while. A lot of sex in between. Great sex. Anyways. Once we did move to friendship, things were probably at their smoothness. We both acknowledged some feelings, but preferred things as friends. That friendship eventually ended though as she got in a relationship with somebody who didn’t like me and naturally she chose to cut me off.

Losing that friendship was a huge blow to me tbh. Ask some goofys, and they’d attribute it to some secret agenda I had to steal her back. We were having sex up until like less than a week into the relationship soon if I wanted to steal her back....I would’ve. It hurt because I thought we were genuinely friends. Sex or not, I cared about her as a person, I cared about her future, and cared about everything she had going on. She was there for me more than anybody during one of the hardest times of my life. Maybe I’m just soft, but that means a lot to me and by the transitive property, she meant a lot to me. Being dropped despite all that, cut deep as fuck because I would’ve never done that to her, and it kind of just showed me that she didn’t really care about me, the person, the individual, but really just cared about me, the person who has something specific I could offer her at the time.

So yeah, that hurt. It bothered me for a while. 2 years after last speaking to her actually. I only got over it maybe 4 months ago. Back in July or August, I thought about her for the first time, and the happy memories came, instead of that hurt. Maybe time does heal all. Even so, things still haven’t been the same for me.

I’ve been numb ever since her. As a whole, there just been this lack of feeling. I have some women in my life, at one point she was included, that would bless me with their vaginas. A lot of uncommitted sex with these 3, but it never felt intimate. It never felt deeper. It legit felt like lust. A physical need for sex but not the emotional satisfaction of it. There is definitely a difference between sex and fucking. I was fucking a lot, but with the same women and it just felt messy to me. It felt messy and unfulfilling so I told myself that I needed to stop. And I did....for the most part. I have messed around with them but no actual intercourse, but it was a brief moment of weakness. I been back on my shit.

ANYWAYS, I wanted to grow. I WANT to grow. I realized that every girl I’ve dated, every sexual interaction I’ve had, has all been on accident. The “girl of my dreams” ignored me when I tried and got with me when I stopped. The girl I got with to get over her, I wasn't pursuing because I was so focused on the other one. I’m not gonna get into the weeds of all the other shit, but regardless, it has never been an “I want this, so I’m going to try and get it and succeed” type of thing. I’ve been blessed, but when you see your peers getting all they want and some shit they don’t you start to doubt yourself a little bit. “Am I good enough?! Can I do this?! Self worth, often comes to mind in these moments because I have nothing to validate my own efforts with. I told myself no more sex with the ones from before. I started my quest to find my confidence and my game. I am still questing.

Last year, I made waves with three women. Not big waves, but our interactions/connections may have been more than nothing. One was throwing herself at me. It came of disingenuous because my friend just started dating her best friend, so it came off like she was very much just trying to create a double date type situation. Not wavy.

The other two were interesting. One was a coworker. Super sweet girl and beautiful but kinda young. I was 23 when we met and she was 18. Everybody told me that’s fine because she’s of age, but she was still in high school and it felt just weird to me. We would talk and laugh and shit at work. I didn’t think too much of it, but then I found out that she actually liked me. I thought she was super dope, but I didn’t let my mind take it that far because of the age thing, but once I found out she liked me too, the idea floated through my head. Her ex was trying to come back into her life and she was legit torn between the two of us. So much so, that she lied about him calling her to me lol. Felt kind of good lol. AGE THOUGH!!! I let it die. Didn’t put in the effort. Told myself, if it’s meant to be, it’ll be. (That’s bullshit, I should’ve at least established some long term potential friendship communication).

The last one was also a friend of that girl, but it didn’t feel as fake as the other. This one was the one that I allowed my mind to run with. She just started dancing with me one day. And then again another day, but like the whole night. You know me, I’m in my head planning our first kiss, and wedding, and she had some decent cheeks so I’m like maaannnnn i can’t wait to get in that. I was scared though. I wanted to make moves but froze because I didn’t know if she like me forreal forreal. Added her on various social medias, didn’t send a message, but slowly falling for the persona she presented online. “Damn she like this, damn she likes that?! Yoooo me too, we could be doing this?! You tired of dude who do that?! I don’t, I got you.” Cornball shit. These 3 interactions made me feel like I’m not ENTIRELY a lost cause. Two of them were more important than that though. For this first time, since i started developing feelings for my crush...8 years ago, I felt that excitement again. I had been numb for like 3 years feeling nothing, and then almost at once I felt the purest form of it from a number of sources for the first time in even longer than that. It felt good, just to feel again.

We’re almost at present day. I swear this is the only one that’s gonna be like this.

So I stalk these two girls pages damn near daily. Well I stalk the one who danced with me daily, I creep on the other one once or twice a week. Mind you, I’ve made no moves outside the ones in my head (crazy and pathetic). Meanwhile, I constantly see them living their best lives and shit lol. Fallen off with both, and in that time, I’ve met nobody new. No new women who are randomly interested in me. No new women giving me that feeling again. The most I got was this one who likes my eyes, and snapchats me for attention while being incredibly devoted to a man who doesn’t treat her right. I guess thats a woman to talk to, but not really exciting. Just kinda meh. That empty going thru the motions like the sex from before.

It’s gotten to the point where I’m really kinda depressed about it. About how I haven't had sex in two years, and how I haven't felt deeply for somebody in 4 years. Meanwhile my friends are making huge life changes, getting approach by potential love interests, being active. LIVING!!!

WE MADE IT TO PRESENT DAAYYY!!!! HOORAAAYYYY!!! So yeah, I decide to act. It had gotten to the point where I didn’t have shit to lose. Yesterday I send the dancing girl a message. No response. I’ve been following her on snapchat for a minute now. Crazy timing, for the first time in all this time, she’s posting shit that makes it seem like she’s got boyfriend. Mind you, for the year since we met, it’s all been single girl shit all over. THE DAY I MESSAGE HER!!! Some dude rubbing her feet and her all happy emoji and shit. Today a screenshot with hearts and talking about how he can’t wait to nap with her. THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY NAPS WITH HER!!!! I waited too long.

I’m honestly shook. Kinda lost. She gave me this feeling, for the first time in a long time. It felt good. It felt like I was a live again. I associated her with the feeling and now she’s like....taken lol. I’m not even mad either. She's like beautiful. I’m surprised she was single as long as she was. If I had more confidence and self worth, I would've most definitely tried to make that happen as soon as I met her. I’m actually really happy for her because she seems like one of those girls who wants that connection and relationship. I wanted to be that, but I can’t be mad at it.

But yeah, my old coworker is still young. She’s doing hair and stuff now. That’s dope, but I can’t help but feel like I’d be a waste of her time. She’s pursuing a passion of her. She’s probably being pursued by dudes her age, if not already locked in with one. I could reach out to her, but morale is low right now.

I miss that feeling. I miss having somebody to talk to, to just hang out with intimately. I miss that connection and I’m happy for all my peers who have it, but I’m also mad jealous of all my peers who have it. I’m worried I’ll never find it. The fact that I’ve barely felt it over all this time, is a little bit alarming to me and how I feel like my success rate will be.

I don’t know. Maybe I need to get out more so I can meet some people. Either way, I’m probably gonna jerk off and cry or something before I go to sleep since I don’t have work tomorrow. Hopefully I can get a sign and somebody can guide me toward where I need to go.

Until next time,

Lonely Boi

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