logophilescriptor

[logophilescriptor]

Sometimes I just love the internet, it says, it's okay to grieve your lost friendships here take a Tumblr post about losing your childhood friends, it's okay to cry over fictional characters here take a Instagram post with hundreds of comments of people who have cried over fiction just like you, it's okay to give platonic love the same importance as romantic love if not more here take a suggestion of a show that ends with peace being found in a bestfriend's arms, it's okay to have mixed feelings about your family here take a song that says the older I get the more that I see my parents aren't heroes they're just like me, it's okay to love a city so much that you ache in your heart a city that you've never been to here take a bunch of Pinterest boards of that said city, it's okay to admit art saved you here take a YouTube reaction video of a stranger who cried as much as you did listening to your favourite album, it's okay if you're having a hard time dealing with trauma here take a tweet that says it's not your fault that when others had the chance to grow, to experience new things you were literally fighting for your life, it's okay it's okay it's okay to live to love to cry to grieve to forget to forgive to remember to give to take to break to exist to survive to be yourself. It's all okay.

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Remembering your teenage days is such a conflict, remembering your teenage days is like, I love how proudly you wear your hearts on your sleeve but I also worry how easily you let it get carried away, it's like as an adult I don't have the courage that you did while being honest about your love, but I also have the courage to speak up about things you were too afraid to acknowledge, I love how you embrace your vulnerability but I also loathe how impulsive you were.

Remembering your teenage self is like, I love how you wrote letters to your friends but I hate how you failed to recognise that you should've written some to yourself as well, it's like I love how bravely you wear the compliments and but I hate how foolishly you reduce your worth based on other's conception of you, I love how easily you believed people but I also hate how you couldn't see the fine line between believing and being manipulated, I love how you trusted people and have faith on others but I hate how easy it was for you, and how you didn't have faith in yourself.

Remembering your teenage self is like, oh my sweet summer child you didn't deserve to go through all that but why didn't you see the signs my love? It's like, if I could I would embrace you and protect you from all the things that are to come, but maybe sometimes I'm this close to putting a dagger through your heart. It's like smiling at how you were so vocal about your feelings but also frowning on how you filtered the things that actually mattered, it's like oh dear child you should've lived life a little more before you lost your teenage days, but it's also why were you so adamant on growing up, look how it destroyed you.

Remembering your teenage self is like, I want to, I really want to forgive you for taking the wrong decisions, for trusting the wrong people, for choosing the wrong road but how do I forgive you if I keep seeing the consequences even to this day? It's like, I really want to hold you and tell you it was not your fault, how the world perceived you was beyond your control, but I know there were mistakes of yours that maybe you could've prevented from happening.

I guess it all comes to what Taylor Swift and Phoebe Bridgers said, "I know someday I'm gonna meet her, it's a fever dream, The kind of radiance you only have at 17" because my teenage self, that radiance of 17, I wish you basked in that warmth before trying to kill it too soon, "She'll know the way, and then she'll say she got the map from me, I'll say I'm happy for her, then I'll cry myself to sleep" because if I meet you I would smile at your naivety before crying for the hell you were going to endure.

Remembering my teenage self is like, for whatever's worth you survived, for whatever's worth you know who you are, who you want to be, who meant what to you, for whatever's worth, I'm proud of you that you stayed, that you didn't give up, that you are alive.

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Losing a childhood bestfriend is like, I have so much love for you that I think I would crush under the weight of it, that I don't know who you are anymore but I still hear your laugh even in my sleep, that I would cross the world if it meant I can meet you again, that I wouldn't take up my phone to text you ever again, that you are a testament of hope in my life but you are my biggest grief lesson, that I'm sorry that I destroyed us and I'm angry that you didn't hear me, that I always wish you well even when I haven't met you for years, that I would always keep you in my heart.

Losing a childhood bestfriend is like, my mother doesn't remember your name and sometimes she asks about you fondly but I don't reply her because I don't know, that my father doesn't understand why I am not friends with you even though I remember you, that my broken home, my tantrums of a child, my glass-shattering childhood hopes, my rebellious motives, my wrong decisions of adolescence, that you've seen it all and now my success of a new venture, my peaceful quiet evenings, my celebrations of new achievements, you aren't here to see it, that I really wish you were here but I'm fine without you

Losing a childhood bestfriend is like, this town doesn't feel like home anymore, that I would leave this town, this city, this country just to run away from this unending grief in my heart, that I still have things to tell you, that I still think about you everytime something goes right, that I still remember your smile when life gets too heavy, that I love you for believing in me but I hate you for not believing me, that I really believed you when you said you were proud of me but I really believed you when you said you never want to talk to me again, that because of you when I say love it becomes synonyms with grie

Losing a childhood bestfriend is like, I'm glad that our sisters are best friends but it breaks my heart that I never got to save us from falling apart, that I'm sorry if I've ever hurt you but you did hurt me too, that I used to write letters to you almost everyday, that I can't write to you anymore and the unsent letters are crushing me under them, that I still see you in my dream but I wake up and my heart breaks all over again, that I could take it back if I could every thing that made us drift apart but I would also go through all the hurt all over again if it meant I get to spent one more minute with you

Losing a childhood bestfriend is like, I was six and you found me when I needed a friend the most, that I was eight and even though I don't remember much I remember how kind you were to me, that I was nine and you believed I could do great things, that I was fourteen and you thought no one can make us fall apart, that I was fifteen and how you looked at me as I walked past you in silence, that I was sixteen and you broke my heart by not trusting my words, that I was seventeen and you made me laugh so hard that I believed even for a split second in life getting better, that I was eighteen and you blocked me out of your life, that I was nineteen and you stayed there at my worst when I hit the rock bottom, that I was twenty and that was the last time we ended in an argument

Losing a childhood bestfriend is like, my happiness doesn't depend on you, but I get this melancholic ache in my heart when I realise how long it has been, that I'm really happy with my life but I wish you were here, that I really want to see you happy but I wish I could tell you in person that I'm happy for you, that all your friends must feel lucky to have you, that people have come and gone from my life but I really thought you would stay, that I love all my friends with all my heart both new and old but you will always have a place in my heart, that the door is open and if you ever need a friend, if you ever need to talk, if you ever need to come back, I'll always be here as long as I live

[logophilescriptor]

As you read your favourite book, as you get head over heels excited for your favourite artist's next album, as you plan to find your next favourite movie, as you laugh while being surrounded by friends, as you look at your family and be grateful on the dinner table, as you cry in joy looking at everything that has gone right for you, I hope you remember one time you thought you wouldn't make it, and now look at you brimming with joy.

[logophilescriptor]

I never had closure from wounds that I kept carrying around for the longest time, and everyone around me kept shoving my mouth with "move on", "doesn't matter", "get over it", for years. But I never did, even when I tried to I never felt better. Until I heard,

Taylor Swift saying, "And though I can't recall your face, I still got love for you", Harry Styles saying, "We're not who we used to be, We're just two ghosts standing in the place of you and me, Trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat" Lewis Capaldi saying, "So, before you go, Was there something I could've said, To make your heart beat better? If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather" Conan Gray saying, "The only mistake that we didn't make was run, Now look what we've done, As much as it seems like you own my heart, It's astronomy, we're two worlds apart" Lauv saying, "I lost myself, seventeen, Then you came, found me, No other magic, Could ever compare, There's a room, In my heart with the memories we made, Took 'em down but they're still in their frames, There's no way I could ever forget" And Gracie Abrams saying, "And maybe I should've but I never told you I miss you, I almost said it but don't know if you feel the same"

And that was it, years of wounds, abrupt goodbyes, half-spoken apologies, old friendships breaking, memories haunting, finally getting the recognition it needed. I felt at peace, realising I never needed those people forcefully feeding me "get over it", I needed to be understood.

Now I'm still at peace knowing those songs, those lyrics, they understand, they do, and whatever it was, I was never alone in it.

[logophilescriptor]

Sometimes at night, I remember Lorde saying, "Got a wishbone dryin' on the windowsill in my kitchen, Just in case I wake up and realize I've chosen wrong" and I feel this crushing weight over my heart for all the lives I didn't live, for all the chances I didn't take, for all the memories that I would never be able to make.

[logophilescriptor]

The thrill you get after completing all the work, knowing full well, you are prepared for the next day, task sheet up to date, ready for next day's class, prepared for both work and class, that THRILL, that FEELING, is UNMATCHED!

[logophilescriptor]

Well, the problem with being raised with Disney is, giving up isn't that easy. It's not option, I guess fiction did really raise me. Being a Disney Kid, I'll always have Miley saying, "There's always gonna be another mountain, I'm always gonna wanna make it move, always gonna be an uphill battle, sometimes I'm gonna wanna have to lose. Ain't about how fast I get there, ain't about what's on the other side, IT'S THE CLIMB."

[logophilescriptor]

90% of the times it feels so easy to just give it all up. And most of those times, the only thing bringing me back from the edge is Olivia Rodrigo saying, "Well I hope you know how proud I'm you're created, with the courage to unlearn all of their hatred. I hope that you're okay."

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I guess there's something nostalgic and bittersweet about thinking what could've been. Because the present is still bearing the consequences of some past choices, so that's how one loves to escape into the what ifs, because clearly taking different road might or might not have lead to the same destination, but one thing is for sure the journey would have been different, maybe even nicer.

Maybe that's why, my heart breaks when Julia Lester and Olivia Rodrigo said," If I could go back and change the past, Be a little braver than I had, And bet against the odds. Would I still be lost? Even if I woke up in my dreams. Would there still be something I'm missing?" And when Taylor Swift said "And the road not taken looks real good now, And it always leads to you in my hometown."

[logophilescriptor]

Taylor Alison Swift wrote in Folklore, "All these people think love's for show, But I would die for you in secret" and "Your faithless love's the only hoax, I believe in" and "A Friend to all is a friend to none, chase two girls lose the one" and "Slept next to her but dreamt of you all summer long" and "To live for the hope of it all, so much for summer love, saying us, cause you weren't mine to lose" and "Although I can't recall your face, I still got love for you" and "All this time, We always walked a very thin line, You didn't even hear me out,.. You didn't even see the signs" ..... Well I can continue forever.

But Taylor Alison Swift is literally MAGIC!

[logophilescriptor]

Harry Edward Styles saying, "Forget what I said, It's not what I meant, And I can't take it back, I can't unpack the baggage you left" and "You said you cared, And you missed me, too, And I'm well aware I write too many songs about you" and "What if I'm down?, What if I'm out?, What if I'm someone you won't talk about?, I'm fallin' again"

broke my heart into absolute pieces. How can he write these? How?

[logophilescriptor]

Taylor Swift saying, "I think I've seen this film before, and I didn't like the ending, I'm not your problem anymore so who am I offending?" And Harry Styles saying, "We are not who we used to be, we're just two ghost standing in the place of you and me." And Gracie Abrams saying, "Could you hold me without any talking?, We could try to go back where we started, I don't even have to stay"

I'm like, Pardon me Universe for ever saying that no one understands me.

[logophilescriptor]

I can't get over Taylor Swift writing, "Long handwritten note, Deep in your pocket, Words, how little they mean, When you're a little too late" and "I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss, I knew you'd haunt all of my what ifs" and "I just wanna tell you, It takes everything in me not to call you, And I wish I could run to you, And I hope you know that every time I don't, I almost do"

I mean, how can she write exactly what I felt at certain points of my life! Taylor Alison Swift, probably understands most what I've been trying to say all my life to people around me but nobody understood.

[logophilescriptor]

Remember when Taylor Swift said, "Did you think we'd be fine? Still got scars on my back from your knife, So don't think it's in the past, these kinda wounds they last and they last." and also, "Band-aids don't fix bullet holes, You say sorry just for show"

Because same, I remember that most of the times. Because these kinda wounds, they really last.

[logophilescriptor]

Also,I wouldn't forget how happy it sounded in my ears when I heard Bella Thorne said, "I had walked alone with the Stars in the moonlit night, I've walked alone no one by my side, now I walk with you with my head held high, in the darkest sky I feel so alive." And for me, the "you" reflected all the fandoms I've ever loved, Harry Potter, Marvel, Sherlock etc and every book that has ever saved me.

[logophilescriptor]

When Selena Gomez said, "I wanna hold you when I'm not supposed to, when I'm lying close to someone else.", when Lord Huron said, "I don't know what I'm supposed to do haunted by the ghost of you.", when Billie Eilish said, "Isn't it lovely all alone?", when Parade of Lights said, "I can't get you off my mind, you do this to me every night."

It was such freaking raw mood!!! It literally hit me like a truck coming at 1000miles/sec.