lloire14

[lloire14]

Last Entry

“We failed. It was my fault. I know we’ll all be saying that. Soren especially since he led the team. Still, it was my fault. I knew what she was capable of. I knew there was a chance she’d have succeeded in conditioning Ikara, and despite it being an obvious trap I went ahead and sprung it. I nearly got everyone killed because I was impatient, cocky, so sure that my voice would be the one to get through to my sister. We failed. I needed to write that so I could deal with it.

There is a benefit to failure. You have a chance to learn from your mistakes. The Garleans are an enemy who often give you a second and third chance to deal with them. Even Zenos was said to have allowed the Warrior of Light to live, only to eventually fall to them. We will not fail again. I am leaving for Gubal. There is information I need there.

This is the last page of this journal. It seems fitting that I close this chapter of my life. I finally have overcome my greatest foe. Myself. I should be hating myself for my failure, throwing myself into a pit of inner despair. At least, if I was still the me I was moons ago. I cannot exist like that anymore. I have to just look forward. So I close this entry, this journal, with the word I will focus on as I start the next.

Hope.

_________________________________________

Lloire’s new journal can be found here:

https://peacekeeper-xiv.tumblr.com/

[lloire14]

Hand of the Twelve

“I didn’t want to take you under my wing at first. I thought that I was the absolute worst teacher anyone could ask for. Elia convinced me to try, that you and I shared similar experiences, that you needed me.”

“The truth was I needed you. I needed to know I could help with my magicks. That they weren’t all for death and destruction. Now that path I’m choosing to walk... you set me down. I owe who I will become in a large part to you.”

“I need you to be okay so I can tell you that. Please Imouto.”

[lloire14]

My Sister’s Father

“I hated you. More than anyone since -her- but you died for Ikara. In your last moments, you were her father. If you’re watching over her still... we’ll save her. Your sacrifice, your final act, will not have been in vain.”

[lloire14]

Sisters

“Would you be ashamed, or would you be proud? You were like the older sister I never asked for who always looked out for me. I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me.” “I wasn’t able to save you, But I won’t fail this time, I promise.”

[lloire14]

Innocence

Blood. That’s what I found when I got there. Blood and death and a smell I would know anywhere. The disgusting smell of the void. It was only a few houses scattered together, but no one survived. Husbands, wives, children. All slaughtered.

The worst part was what I found when I examined them. They’d killed one another. Farm tools and makeshift weapons. Were they influenced by the void? To murder each other. I can’t begin to imagine it. Is it so easy to drive us to kill? Is our nature one of violence? I spent the rest of the day digging graves and burying them myself. I can’t help but wonder if I somehow brought this on them. If somehow my having come there, the rage and anger at the Garleans I’d found and killed, drew voidsent to this place.

I waited for nightfall, hoping that whatever had influenced these people might come. I wanted to end its threat. I still cannot explain what happened. Night came. I could still smell the void in the air. I just knew it was going to be worse than usual. I was wrong.

I heard it before I saw it. Laughter. Horrible laughter. A lone figure stood at the far end of the dirt road laughing. All I could see was the silhouette of a man against the night. I called out to him, it, whatever was there. I asked if they’d harmed those people. The laughter died and it spoke back to me with my own voice. It told me that it was innocent. They’d killed one another. I tried to draw aether but couldn’t pull anything from the land. Nothing would come to me. Then, just as suddenly as it started it was over. It was gone and with it all sense of the void. I couldn’t feel or smell it at all. I waited, but nothing else came.

When morning came I set about gathering stone to mark the graves. If I had not been here to see what I saw I would have never known something horrible had happened. Everything felt as it should. In a way things having gone back to normal so quickly was more terrifying.

I’ve gone back home to my apartment. I haven’t told anyone about what happened. I’m not sure I believe it myself. I feel a bit like I went mad. Ellion might be right. I may need to take some more time off. For now, I’ll stick to my studies, getting that work for Serendipity done, and maybe I should go out and be social. Get my mind off what I saw. Get my mind off the curse. Get it off of whatever It was.

Twelve help me.

[lloire14]

Guilt

It’s been a while again. A decent amount to write. I’ll start where I left off. I managed to get my hands on a number of tomes. My office at the manor is over flowing with books at this point. I swear if I had the run of the house I’d make the downstairs a library. Well, mayhaps I’ll find another place to set up shop someday.

I did some light travelling. Tried to get back into the swing of things. I’ve been cooking more so I went to see old Lyngsath. We swapped stories and a few new recipes and I offered to help him around the kitchen a bit. A small world moment happened. I was running food out to a customer only to find it was Aeritria. We spoke for a while. She seemed to be doing well.

I finally left the city-states again and made my way out to the Ruby Sea. I spent some time in Kugane and came upon some interesting information eventually. I obtained some texts supposedly written by a lunatic regarding different forms of magic. Things I’ve never even heard of. I called Yuti out to the sea and we discussed it. We also talked about plans to search the ruins in Yanxia as well as the stars and how small we were.

I travelled back to the city-states. I needed a few days to rest. The curse is harder to deal with so far east. I went and saw Serendipity. It took some doing, but I got her to sell me one of those enormous telescopes as a gift to Yuti for all the grief I’ve caused her and for all the help she always gives to me and everyone else from what I can tell. Miette, Ikara, Soren, just to name a few. Since she doesn’t have a place of her own yet I had it delivered to the house in the Shroud. I had her meet me there so I could give it to her. I think she was happy. Completely worth the contract work I took on for Serendipity. I need to remember to tell Beta to go and see her. She mentioned she had something for him.

Yuti was true to her word. I called on her and she came out to Yanxia with me. We searched some, going through a few of the ruins. She found a book that seemed to be written in cipher. It could be nothing, but it could be everything.

The curse drew a great many more voidsent that night. I’m not sure if it was the distance from the Shroud or how long I had been there, but I was glad Yuti was around. I’m not certain I’d have survived on my own and I swore to someone I would do everything in my power to live. It was hard to willingly put her in danger like that though.

The next day we were supposed to explore more but something came up and she needed to return to the city-states. I returned as well. I was feeling a bit nostalgic and went to go see about stopping by Unity’s manor. I suppose with everything I wanted to see some old friendly faces. People who’d known me through more of the good than the bad. I got turned around though and ended up in the wrong ward. Nymeia was obviously working her magic though. How else could I explain the crazy random happenstance of meeting someone looking for an answer only maybe two or three people in the world could answer.

Guilt. Will I ever escape it? Probably not. I’ve a lot of blood on my hands. I spoke to him on a whim. He seemed out of sorts or down on his luck. Always thinking I can help. I guess something never change. The man, Bezgod I believe was his name, was looking for his missing wife. The same woman I left in the void when I rescued Elia. I saved my best friend. I saved my wife. I did not save his. I could have tried harder. Fought more. I know I could have. I wasn’t fast or smart enough to save his wife before she died. My penance was telling him. I made up for years of not knowing by giving him the bad news. He doesn’t know the shame I felt telling him what I did. The poor bastard seemed thankful. Glad to have an answer at least Not blaming me for failing to save her. Well, I’ll blame myself for the both of us.

It got me thinking. About accountability. About my legacy. About all the blood on my hands. No one is perfect, but I’ve caused a lot more pain than most. Killed more than many. How many Garleans did I send to the grave because they followed orders? I told myself they should have been stronger. I survived them. I survived their experiments and their brutality. I never turned on my land. They shouldn’t have. They deserved death for their betrayal. I’m not sure that’s true anymore. I tried to take my own life because my heart hurt. How can I claim my strength is greater than theirs? I the depths of my shame, I wonder how much less pain I might have caused if I’d taken the sword Amnaf asked me I run through her and I turned it on myself after. Or worse. How much less pain might there have been if I’d just given in like the others?

I know I never could. And I will never forgive the Garlean empire. But how many of those soldiers that I killed had never taken a life? How uneven are the scales? I’ve spent too much of my life in hatred. So much so that every chance for love, I’ve ruined.

There’s nothing I can do about the past, so I think I’ll try and do something in the now. Atone some. I’ll travel back to Yanxia. I had caused fear among one of the small settlements when Umi had been hurt and I was looking for her. I think I should go back. Apologize. Try and help them somehow. Carry grain, help repair buildings, something. It’s a small thing, but it’s a start, right?

[lloire14]

30 Days of Character Development: Day 30

And finally: Write a letter to your character, from yourself.

Dear Lloire, We’ve been through a lot together over the years. Starting with the Eorzea you first came to know and all the trials that it came with. (1.0 was awful). You started out such a sweet kid, I’m almost sorry for the path Nymeia (meaning me in this instance) led you down. Though, if I’m honest, given your ancestors (previous incarnations) you really never had a choice. 

Now though, you have a chance to move beyond what you’ve been, what they were, and become something new. Do you walk the path of the ones that came before you? Retire somewhere as a hermit to fish and read for the rest of your life? Retire somewhere to teach and marry a damsel? I really don’t think so. I believe that you’ll forge a new path. You’ve existed long enough to do so. 

So keep pressing forward Lloire. I look forward to seeing where you end up. Just, let’s try to make sure it’s not the morgue, yea?

[lloire14]

30 Days of Character Development: Day 29

How does your character smell? Do they wear perfume or cologne?

Lloire tends to not think of things like colognes or scented baths. As for how he smells normally, this would be a combination of black pepper, iron, and the smell of electricity in the air. At certain points in his life one or another of the smells may dominate the others.

[lloire14]

30 Days of Character Development: Day 28

If your character’s life was a genre, what would it be?

Lloire’s life would likely be categorized as Dark Fantasy. Given his experiences this genre seems the most fitting.

Parents die to mysterious sickness, he gets sick, joins what was almost a cult while learning sorcery, watches scores die in a doomed war where a monstrous dragon is unleashed, years of torture which lead him to summoning a demon and then being haunted by demons afterwards?  

Yes, Dark Fantasy seems most appropriate.

[lloire14]

30 Days of Character Development: Day 27

Pick two songs that describe your character at two different points of their life, and explain why you chose them.

This song was the first time Lloire was able to pull himself out of his depression and darkness. It was a year or so after gaining his freedom and shortly after finding out the Blades had survived. He’d just recently met Soren and Elia and for the first time felt like the world was not total darkness and that even the darker parts of himself could be used for good. It didn’t last, but it was a step in the right direction.

The next song is actually closer to where Lloire is now. He feels like he’s finally found himself and is working to turn his life around. He’s managed to literally draw out some of the darkness inside him and has decided on a path that isn’t pure vengeance and hatred.

Bonus:

More of a self reflection song than anything, but it is very Lloire.

[lloire14]

30 Days of Character Development: Day 26

Second day of favorites! Favorite comfort food, favorite vice, favorite outfit, favorite hot drink, favorite time of year, and favorite holiday.

Lloire doesn’t have a comfort food exactly, usually getting more comfort from cooking than eating. He also isn’t a fan of sweets. The closest thing would be whiskey, which he turns to when in need of comfort. He’s recently begun to try and drink less as he knows his mental state isn’t up to par.

As answered in the last question, Lloire’s largest vice is easily drinking assuming one does not count self-harm as a vice. Lloire has gone toe to toe with Soren in drinking competitions to the point where the two men couldn’t see straight or stand. 

As far as favorite outfits go, Lloire likes the look of a nice set of armor far more than anything else, however, he prefers the comfort of loose clothing and when given the option will dress in a loose shirt with slacks and boots. However, if he’s going somewhere to make an impression he’ll take a suit of armor over a suit any day.

Not being a fan of coffee, Lloire’s favorite hot drink would likely be tea, but he views teas more as medicinal than as something to enjoy. He understands that they are better for the body, can be mixed with herbs for healing properties, and have relaxing properties, so he will drink them but it’s not necessarily due to enjoyment. Ciders and hot chocolate are out due to his aversion to sweets.

Winter is by and far Lloire’s favorite season. He loves snow and the cold and also has an affection for Starlight even if it isn’t his favorite holiday. Where most people might see death or the absence of life during winter, Lloire views it as a peaceful time, like sleep, where things remain in a clean balance waiting for the new life that will begin in spring.

Lloire’s favorite holiday is Valentione’s Day. Being a romantic at heart he has always enjoyed watching the events even when they are absolutely absurd and the loving couples. He’d admit it to very few people however and is more likely to tell others that naturally as a Black Mage his favorite holiday is All Saint’s Wake. (Which he does enjoy, just not as much.)

[lloire14]

30 Days of Character Development: Day 25

Describe your character’s hands. Are they small, long, calloused, smooth, stubby?

Lloire’s hands are, like Hyurs in general, average. The are normal sized, not too stubby or long. However, his actions have made them scarred and calloused and strong. 

Burns from learning to cook and subsequently cooking in general. Scars and callouses from learning multiple weapons and then using them Strength from wielding both an Armorsmith’s hammer as well as a gentle touch from having wielded a Goldsmith’s hammer. Simply looking at Lloire’s hands would lead one to believe the man had no idea how to be gentle with them, but nothing could be further from the truth. Having started his life as a mage Lloire learned to respect books and to treat each page as a fragile piece of art and as such, despite the many scars and callouses, he generally has a very soft touch.

[lloire14]

30 Days of Character Development: Day 24

What might your character’s ideal romantic partner be?

Lloire has a type. He always has, since the age of sixteen. He invariably goes for Miqo’te Keepers and healers. He also needs a woman who is strong willed enough to deal with his stubborn ways but gentle still in times of peace. He needs someone who challenges him to be better and in turn is willing to grow themselves.

[lloire14]

30 Days of Character Development: Day 23

Is your character superstitious?

Lloire is too well learned to be superstitious. He’s encountered ghosts, spirits, kitsune, demons, and beings claiming to be gods. Knowing that enough aether or crystals mixed with a strong enough desire can literally shape a god into being, Lloire would have a harder time -not- believing something were real then believing it was. Especially having seen what he has with both the Order and the Blades.

[lloire14]

30 Days of Character Development: Day 22

If your character could time travel, where would they go?

Lloire would go back to before the fall of Mhach in the Fifth Astral Era. Knowing that any actions he would take in the past could completely screw up the future he would simply wish to observe the past and as such would want to see what the Black Mages of eld were actually like.

[lloire14]

30 Days of Character Development: Day 21

What would your character’s cutie mark be?

This probably:

[lloire14]

30 Days of Character Development: Day 20

Does your character have any irrational fears?

Not especially. Lloire’s fears are all perfectly rational.

Capture by the Garleans - It happened

Being unable to protect the ones closest to him - It happened a lot

Being possessed by or otherwise used by a terrible voidsent - It’s come closer to happening than he’d care to admit.