lizardman1959

[lizardman1959]

why do you hurt me, nearly every day of our lives?

I know you can’t help it. It’s not your fault. You’re stressed, you act out for attention. I understand intimately; you’re just like me.

But I can’t fix it.

I try everything in my power; I clean up after every mess you make, I try not to hold it against you. You scream at me and I cry in response because I don’t know what you want. Nothing I do seems to be what you need. Nothing I do is ever enough. I love you so much. You frustrate me to no end. I find myself with violent urges and enough frustration to break an entire cabinet of glass with the pent up shrieks of anger you cause.

I know it’s not your fault.

It’s never your fault.

I just wish I could be better for you.

I don’t know if I should give you up to someone who could.

I love you beyond what any words could convey. I wouldn’t be alive without you. The only reason I get up every morning is because of you.

I wish I didn’t constantly feel like I’ve failed you.

[lizardman1959]

there’s a newfound strength that comes with living alone;

not a soul who cares for me, who would notice if I was missing, closer than an hour and a half.

I have to put up an extra strong fight against the painkillers when they call to me. by the time anyone realized something was wrong it would be too late.

that’s dangerous information to live with, for someone with such a heavy heart,

who’s listened to the whispered calls of the “easy way out” for as long as she can remember hearing them form

what happens on the day her resolve crumbles entirely? when she really and truly gives up?

she knows what the result would be. and she fights twice as hard to not let it happen.

she wonders sometimes if anyone else cares enough to notice how hard she’s fighting.

who would be the poor soul who’d have the misfortune of finding her dead on the floor?

[lizardman1959]

it saddens me, that after all this time you still don't understand the issues that led to your downfall.

but moreso, i'm sad and disappointed in myself. for trying so hard, for believing i could make a difference in your life. that my efforts would matter because you wanted to change.

you wasted six years of my life! all of those years, gone, and there's no point in wondering what could've been, and yet i can't stop myself.

you stay, you obsess, trying to think of what you could've done better, that you should've been better, and shrug off any ounce of accountability the minute it hits you. you come so close to the realization of how you might actually be able to change for the better! and immediately retreat from the cliff's edge, when your salvation is in fact the jump. you insist you don't matter but somehow everyone's problems revolve around you. you're obsessive. you're ill. you refuse to get help in a way that matters.

[lizardman1959]

maybe i overthink things, yes,

but when did you want me to realize that

my presence is only sought

when its a convenient alternative

to someone you love

(i know it's not me)

did you think i'd never realize what's happening?

[lizardman1959]

the generational cycles continue. they break. the ones you expect to break, you continue. the ones you expect to continue, they break.

i was so sure i'd found someone who loved me.

i thought i'd never go to grad school.

i was certain i knew what trauma i carried with me.

i thought i'd never want kids of my own.

nothing stays the same. everything changes, all of the time. consistency is the one thing i truly crave; until its the wrong type.

the cycle repeats. the rage builds. we are both so tired. we are both unwanted daughters.

[lizardman1959]

there's something they don't tell you about being hard to love-

it's that you will continue to be hard to love.

you can go through all the therapy in the world, practice all the techniques you can learn,

it doesn't change who you are at your core.

some words: too much, exhausting, a drain of resources.

not worth the energy. desperate. uncomfortable. lost cause.

hard to love does not equate to rewarding hard work.

you are just written off as useless and despondent.

are they right?

[lizardman1959]

the sheer volume of fanfiction i've been reading and the subject matters really shouldn't surprise me at this point. i'm grieving heartbreak and feeling replaceable and unimportant in the eyes of those i care about; of course i'm gonna go for the trope where person b sees person a in pain, upset, and constantly left behind and makes it their personal mission to show them that they matter and are a priority.

[lizardman1959]

I don’t know if anyone would ever find this place. But we might be making the title of this blog come true. If you happen to know me, I’m sorry for the displeasure.

You couldn’t have done anything different. I’m not particularly like able, and I live on my own. My cat will likely feast on my corpse, or my neighbor will take him in! He’s safe, don’t worry. He was always the best part of me. He might be who I’ll miss most from this world.

I wasn’t supposed to be here this long. I don’t know how I made it this far. An oversight, I suppose. But I think I’m okay. I don’t hold enough weight in anyone’s life to cause meaningful damage with my absence. It’s not likely to be noticed for quite a while regardless.

Live the life I wanted to reach. It was never meant for me. Importance to others was never my strong suit, even though I know it’s beautiful with other people. make sure you tell your friends you love them, okay?

[lizardman1959]

april of 2019 is when it all started, it feels like. the beginning of the worst five years of my life.

that incident left me hollow and broken in a way i hadn't been before

and when the pandemic started, and got worse, and so many people i knew died, and i lost so many more, and i lost myself to grief

i moved, and ive been trying to find the pieces of myself i left behind ever since

i don't know who i am anymore or where i'm supposed to be, just that i'm not where i'm supposed to be. i don't know where that is. only that i've never been there.

the past year has just- been so shitty, i know things need to change-

i don't think its gonna get better.

i'm losing sight of why we bother trying at all.

[lizardman1959]

i want so badly

to ask for attention from the people that matter

and yet I know I am too much

it does not matter the depths of which I am not alright; what kind of person would I be? If I asked for comfort from someone who cannot provide it?

Then I have disappointed us both- me, for having my needs unmet, and them, to feel worse for being unable to give.

Oh how I wish I could be anywhere else right now-

The anguish this building leaves in me cannot hold out much longer.

[lizardman1959]

it’s bittersweet to realize that what you’re really, desperately needing and wanting is to be given the same time and consideration that you give other people.

i know so many people who if I wasn’t the one checking in or reaching out, I’d never hear from them again!

But it’s *lonely*. It is *so fucking lonely* to be the person checking on other people and never having that courtesy repaid back to you.

I am so tired of realizing that my friends are really lucky- they have someone like me at their side if they ever need or ask for it.

I don’t have another me to catch me when I fall.

I just plummet and hit the ground and those same people will walk around my motionless corpse.

[lizardman1959]

i wish i understood the act of manifesting what you want in your world.

it feels like every time i try, every time i put that energy out or dare to ask, dare to dream, it just comes back to slap me in the face. kick me while i'm down.

is it really so much to ask, to want someone to care?

a little bit of consistency?

when it repeats, when its everyone you know, when every time you reach out you get silence, confusing signals, nothing to work with,

is it me?

[lizardman1959]

how fitting it is, for the cycle of grief to claim the outlet i turn to most when faced with it.

a media so intrinsically tied to someone i've shared my life with; focused on grief, on fighting your way through the cycles of despair, on finding your ideals to fight for and pulling yourself from the abyss

how do you reclaim that when the source of which it brought you joy was the person you shared it with, and now the only thing that remains is the hopelessness of which is the central point of its warning?

[lizardman1959]

is it the fact that i push past my limits and my comfort zone to reach success that bothers you?

you say these things come easier to me. you say i know what i want. i've learned you say a lot of things that aren't true.

i claw my way into any fraction of success i can reach- one step forward, ten steps back. a minor achievement, a major guilt trip.

it doesn't come easy to me. i do it anyways. i have no other fucking choice.

please stop acting like i do.

[lizardman1959]

grief is so overwhelming and entrenched in every aspect of my life right now

i cannot keep breaking down at work, there’s only so much leniency they’ll allow me, but it just

hurts too much to even exist right now

i feel like all I do is make the wrong decisions and I have no confidence I know what I’m doing

the only confidence I have is that those I’m leaving cannot wait to replace me

[lizardman1959]

you claim that you do not understand feelings, but

you hold me while i cry on the floor, kissing my forehead as you wipe away my tears, but

you cannot seem to stop bringing tragedy in your wake

and yet, you always seem to provide comfort in the way i crave

when you are away, you feel *so far gone*; as if the only way i can reach you is to stay in your orbit, but

when you are here, when i feel your presence and feel connection like i have sorely lacked all my life,

you feel like home in a way i hadn't thought possible, but

you surely do not care for me in the same way, but

yet, i foolishly think

maybe i could

[lizardman1959]

where do we go from here?