liza-lilly - Tumblr blog

[liza-lilly]

Why is it when someone blocks me I have to sit up and be plagued by all the other people who've blocked me, like it straight haunts me.

This block I just don't understand. I trusted this friend of mine with extremely heavy things, things I wouldn't just talk about with anyone. My mistake I guess? It made them uncomfortable apparently and not only did they not tell me but someone went around telling them I talked shit behind their back? What shit? They don't understand, when I get attached to a friend there's no shit to talk. Besides I still literally can't think of a single complaint I had about them, not one of my alters can.

Now I'm having a dream just now that I'm waking up to about another person who blocked us. Uhh.. that was more reasonable I can entirely see why they blocked us. One of our alters couldn't source separate and straight up tried inserting himself in with someone as if they were dating him just because he really genuinely liked a story of theirs so much. Yeah you know, not proud of that one, we're glad he's dormant and we're happy to move on from that. He did wild things that caused them to unblock us to make it stop and they recently blocked us again. Which stung a little because we figured we were past that but it's their business and it doesn't matter. We just blocked them back. If we are a bad memory for them it's best not to torment them further.

Now I think about another block in the past where it started because we caught feelings for someone and they were uncomfortable. They did not tell us they were uncomfortable and played into it. Then we were blocked. Then they unblocked us, tried to get us to cut someone off that they just didn't like (the person does deserve it tbh, after how he talked to us, but we do work for him) and when we refused they blocked us again. Then they come back and pretend to be friends only to go to the admin and claim we were harassing them behind their back. When we definitely weren't. We actually blocked them on that one.

I don't know, so many thoughts swirling in our heads and it's made the majority of us extremely insecure now and now we're constantly asking our new friends "are you okay? Are we making you uncomfortable? Did we make you mad?" I want to scream with how this affected us, how each block has built up over time. I'm not saying everyone who blocked us in the past is unreasonable but some of them felt so out of the blue and from nowhere.

And I'm worried if I keep asking we'll make people uncomfortable. But if we don't ask then nobody will tell us. But if we keep asking they might not tell us also because lets be honest, people tend to spare other's feelings a fuck ton don't they?

We are not perfect. We've come a long way. But no block has EVER hurt like this. Where I really really thought I could trust someone and I couldn't. This paranoia now that someone, or even they themselves are spouting lies behind my back.

And the only reason I'm posting this here is because I know nobody will read all of this. I know nobody will give a second glance at all of this. But I have to post it public somewhere or it's going to make me scream.

[liza-lilly]

it was inevitable that i eventually draw Globby as a noodle dragon. here he is!

@drama-glob @enbydemirainbowbigfoot

[liza-lilly]

⚰️🌹💛

(a little tribute i drew for aesop's birthday. aesop is the embalmer ever and makes me really happy. this was a lot of fun to work on and i'm glad to be able to finish making a short mv after wanting to do so for forever... tysm for all of the support and love while working on this, truly means a lot and gave me the strength to actually finish it!!)

[liza-lilly]

I often just want to be enough to people and I know as long as I am not the alter they want, I will never be enough. -Fantasy

[liza-lilly]

Grateful that we've been roommates with someone for an entire year and we've never once had a screaming match or a large argument.

Not everything is unhealthy sometimes you just gotta find the right people!

[liza-lilly]

Fantasy:

Continued from the last post. Our BPD is ugly, but here's how we're working to manage it even when it feels like it'll eat us alive

Our self destructive behaviors of past were unfortunately possessive and very forward.

- managing this by reminding ourselves our partner has a right to alone time and has another partner, we can't get their attention all the time

We would bottle up and have strong emotional outbursts because we didn't feel safe trying to communicate with our partners in the past because of getting shut down.

- managing this by setting harder boundaries and working on communicating our issues as soon as we have them. Whether the conversation is uncomfortable for our partner or not, boundaries need to be set and are healthy. (Yes, we'd hope our partner would do the same!)

Wanting to indulge in harmful behaviors just because my partner is away or doesn't feel available.

- reminding myself once again this isn't their fault and everyone needs space. That it would be unhealthy of me to demand too much attention so soon. (Unfortunately at least a couple relationships in past and even non relationships have been like this. however some of them were also like.. we're hanging out together please don't ignore me for a video game, we don't spend much time together) others were definitely on us.

Wanting to say harmful things to our partner when we feel slightly inconvenienced.

- managing this by reminding ourselves it is not fair to our partner to deal with the strong emotional issues we can't control. This managing method applies to the one above as well. We cannot control these emotions and to take them out on our partner is not only unhealthy but counterproductive to the goal of trying to do better. It's not their burden to bear and just as with all other emotions, it'll pass.

BPD sucks and it's ugly. I still need to work on not love bombing my partner but they shut us down too fast for that lol. We accept this kind of shutdown because it's well.. important that we remember.

[liza-lilly]

Fantasy: Thinking back about some things in the past. Our system used to be such a mess. We weren't always the healthiest people. And unfortunately some people did get hurt. Do we have regrets? Perhaps a few.

But we're in therapy and working through our problems slowly, we're doing our best to build ourselves up and get a fresh start on things.

A lot has changed, our system has changed and our communication is healthier than it was before. We weren't entirely unreasonable in some of our relationships to ask for basic human decency and be loved like an actual existing person.

Unfortunately with BPD tends to come with self destructive and powerful emotional outbursts that can be difficult to control. We're managing it and working through it far more logically than before.

No, things aren't perfect,we aren't and we can't expect to be! But we will try!

Our therapist does at least agree that despite our current relationship being a little rocky, we are trying to make an effort to work on and improve it. Furthermore, we need to learn to set harder boundaries with people we're closer to.

In a past relationship of ours we were constantly asking for clear boundaries to be set. We are Asexual and do not like certain aspects of things, and it's beyond our right to turn down things we are uncomfortable with. But in our desperate need to please we often found ourselves letting people break our boundaries and ask us to do things we are uncomfortable with.

Our new partner is also asexual and understands us very well. We both are a little unhealthy to each other but we are both doing our best to work on it. We both admit we have issues and flaws and mental disorders and instead of avoiding it, both of us are trying to make an effort.

It's slightly upsetting that sometimes we try to communicate and get shut down but at least it wasn't like before where we had to turn around and blame ourselves when we were just asking for something simple like "I don't appreciate it when you make fun of me like that, please don't do that." And they turn around sobbing and crying like the world is falling apart just to shut you up. How dare I have wants and needs.

Not my current partner though! Things often come to a rough stop but we don't have to turn around and blame ourselves for being too sensitive. They're one of the only people that don't want to ask us for gifts or money, that don't beg us for our body.

I appreciate that about them so much. They are disabled af but trying so hard! And I love them so much knowing they respect my boundaries best they can and we respect theirs! They do listen to us too! Even when we think they don't, they come back later and say something that shows they were listening and they care.

I want to protect my partner with my life and I only want the best for them. It's a little unfortunate we don't get to talk all the time but counselling says it's healthy NOT to talk to your partner every day.

They're a little blunt and a little too honest perhaps, it's rocky with different alters but we're hoping things clear up and communicating works out. We're doing our best and we're so much happier than we've been in awhile!

[liza-lilly]

I love your Norton and Ithaqua's beefs so much XD thank you for making those!!!!! Your artstyle is so expressive and moveable, the comics are a joy to read! :D

Aww thank you so much!! ;//W//; I'm so glad to hear! How this beef came to be was actually so random cause it's such an unlikely duo. But they are fun to draw, and I love it whenever people are referencing the comic where it all started XD

[liza-lilly]

identity v cringe

[liza-lilly]

aesop carl

[liza-lilly]

“But if you forget to reblog Madame Zeroni, you and your family will be cursed for always and eternity.”

[liza-lilly]

Happy Birthday, Aesop 🫶

[liza-lilly]

These are really fun to do actually

[liza-lilly]

Fantasy: you need to just let them go

Raisin: I know but I miss them.

Andrew: Me too.

Ithaqua: Kinda me too. They weren't all bad-

Bobby: I never even got to wish them well... I didn't get a say in any of this.

[liza-lilly]

Okay new rule

Only aspec people can ship aspec characters until you allos learn to behave

[liza-lilly]

"Welp, wouldn't wanna be him."

[liza-lilly]

He's got a strong point