livingwithdepression15-blog

[livingwithdepression15-blog]

In my feels?

So is it completely wrong for me to feel like this isn't work it anymore?

Im over feeling like there isn't anything else for me in the world. I want to be happy and not feel like my entire existence is falling apart all of the time but I don’t know how much of this i’m going to be able to take anymore. 

Between my marriage falling apart in front of my eyes to my personal life is/has been falling apart faster than I want to admit.  While I write this I can't help but think Is my death going to make people feel any better? I feel like me being gone or just disappearing might make everyone life easier. 

Everyone in the house dont even want me here.

My “family” clams that they love me and that they are always there for me but in reality it just is another thing they say to me to get me from not killing myself. 

Was moving back here a complete mistake again. Was being back with his the smartest thing?

Stay tuned.

[livingwithdepression15-blog]

Tonight

You're gone. again. you stay out with your family until 2:30 and yet im here alone here in our bed. I miss you more then you know but I don't know if I can continue doing this with you anymore. you made me feel like Im not enough for not only you and my family but for myself too. you made it seem like I will never be loved how I know that I should be loved you have destroyed me and made me weak you made me unwanted you have destroyed the person that I once was and you are now destroying the person who I am today. you don't like the fact that I don't need you don't like that fact that you aren't my main concern anymore. you don't know me anymore. and that's okay because I don't know you.

[livingwithdepression15-blog]

Things people don't understand

So get this. My husband orders food for him and I, out of the kindness of his heart he asks the people we live with if they want something to eat from the same place. Of course they say yes so we order them food. 

Sometime later food arrives and the food isn't what everyone thought it was. 

My husband orders food for him me and the 1 other person who asked for it. 

NOT for me him the1 other person and their husband. So what does the husband of the friend do..... “why didn't I get any food?  where is my food?” Lets all keep this in mind that this is a FULL GROWN parent of 5 in his 40′s sounding like a 12 year old girl whining. 

So what do I do? 

instead of listening to a GROWN ASS MAN whine and complain that there wasn’t any food for him so leave MY food out there to shut him the fuck up. 

Is it me or am I the only one who is over GROWN ASS PEOPLE whining and complying when they don't get what they want. 

[livingwithdepression15-blog]

Dear Covid-19

Dear Covid-19

     Why did you come here? You have taken everything from us. Our sense of security is gone. Our kids can’t go outside with out wearing face masks. Senior Citizens cant even go into out stores anymore without having to worry about weather they are going to catch something that could potentially kill them. Our school are shut down, people are with out work, unemployment rates are through the roof in years, Grocery stores are going short. 

   You've taken everything from us. You made it so people are too scared to leave their houses, people are afraid to see their families because of this. No is safe from you. No one gets a break from you. You are causing a lot of pain across the country. You are hurting good people. People are losing their love ones with what you have done to us. 

   Families aren’t getting the chance to say goodbye to their loved ones because of you. Some people are dying alone in hospital beds. Peoples Grandparents are dying because of you. Mass graves are being built in new York because hospitals no long  have the option to keep people in their morgues because they are getting so full. 

    You have taken memorable moment in time and destroyed them, Seniors in high school wont have the opportunity to walk across stage and have an arena of people cheer for them and congrats them on the success and hard work that they put into school. You’ve taken birthdays for people who wanted to celebrate in a way that was public because for all we know it was their last one. You have taken some peoples last family outings with one another. People wont be able to do what they wanted to do anymore because of the things that you have done. 

   People with cancer have to stay isolated inside of a room so they don’t accidentally get it from someone who went grocery shopping and accidentally picked it up in the store. That goes for people who have lupus, autoimmune disease, etc. you have essically just wiped out a 1/3 of the population just by doing that. 

Now here’s something, Will america recover from this... Maybe.

We’ll see... 

[livingwithdepression15-blog]

Thoughts

So ive been having these thoughts that i dont know what i should do about. i am lying to everyone saying that my phone isnt working because i dont want to be bothered with anyones shit anymore. im about to stop talking to everyone and see how that goes, i dont know how i am going to get through this quartine bullshit with out anyone to talk too or see in person. yes i do live with people but that doesnt do anything. one of the people i live with doesnt do anything like hes supposted to and the other one is my father, i dont think that really counts as a person. 

This other person is lazy and rude. this other person is dumb and incompetent. i am over him. fun fact about this other person that people dont seem to realize about him is that hes abusive to animals. breezy has been her cage all day today and i dont belive that shes been out all day. im about to get up and go get her and bring he into my room maybe she will learn what love is because she will never learn from this other person. he cares too much about body slamming her and slapping her when ever she does anything. including the small stuff. if he hits her again im going to my dad and im going to be sniching (not my dog).

[livingwithdepression15-blog]

havent been here in a while

havent been here in awhile. Things have changed. im not in my depressed moods that much but when shit like tiday happens i start to relize why my depression is so damn bad. ive been dealing with the fact that i havent come out to any one out here yet and im dealing with the fact that every time something happens im not there to deal with it any more. i miss my family and i miss the people that i use to talk to every day. i guess thats what happens when im not there. i know if i go back home people are going ti want to see me but i dont wanna see them i really only wanna see a few people. im going to go back to when i kept to myself. i dont want people to know anything about me any more. so from now on myself is all i gotta keep. no one is going to know what is going on with me any more and im okay with that. 

[livingwithdepression15-blog]

Am I getting worse?

This is the question that i have been asking myself for the last few days I’m doing everything that i can do to make this better but its getting worse. If i’m being honest with myself and who ever may read this some day. everything sucks. i hate being who i am and where i am. My friends don’t want anything to do with me my family is super short with me ALL of the time. 

EX...

My birth giver mother: she is still on drugs and i don’t know how much i can take of this shit with her. i try to keep my mouth shut about a lot of the shit that she does and i don’t know if i can keep doing it.  My sperm donor father: He tells everyone that i have him blocked and that i don’t reach out and i don’t care anymore. I cant reach out to someone who doesn’t care.  My “Sisters”: They are there for me when its convenient for them in every sense of the word.

My “Brothers” I can honestly say that i feel like i don’t have one of those let alone 2 of them.

I have 4 siblings and honestly none of them reach out and i’m tired of doing it so i have decided that im done. im done caring about what goes on in my life and who come in and out of it. im tired of my “Family” saying they are always going to be there and none of them being there.  EVERYONE and i do mean everyone expects me to just do shit with out saying anything back to them. My whole family does including my husband.  My husband....... TBC...

[livingwithdepression15-blog]

Giving up

I feel like I’ve slowly started to give up in my life. most of the time that i think that things in my life are just kinda  died. i don’t want to do anything my depression sucks ass i don’t ever wanna leave my room i don’t really ever wanna be around people. i don’t have weed to put me in a good mood (just facts not dependent)  i don’t like being around people who aren’t me if (if i’m being honest) i don’t like talking to people and people trying to make me open up isn’t okay. i don’t want to open up to anyone who isn’t my therapist. i don’t want to talk to the people who say that they are my family when all they really care about is when i can do them a favor. 

In the last few days I’ve lost all of my closest friends. friends that i have had since i was a freshman in high school. i am just tired of giving a fuck about people who don’t give a fuck about me. i don’t think that my friends even noticed that i unfriended all of them. i feel isolated i feel alone i feel lost i feel like i don’t give a fuck anymore. 

I don’t think that anyone give a fuck about me anymore. i don’t care what anyone else might say but that’s how i feel i feel like i am the only one who will ever really look out for me and that alone makes me not want to get out of my bed most days. i have gone back to not eating. I’ve gone back to not giving a fuck. i just am numb when it comes to my feelings and right now i think that i just want to seriously disappear i want to take a vacation away from everyone in my life just go and do me for a little while i want to be able to stand on my own two feet and not have to worry about really anything.

I tried to make a step in the right direction where i am now going to try to go back to school for the 3rd time since i dropped out. i always do this. i don’t ever wanna go to school just because. if i go to school i am going to put that first. i need to get my diploma and i need to get back into college. i want to get my nursing degree in something that will actually mean something in the future. If i become a nurse i will be the only one in my family who actually did something with their life. Melanie would be very proud of me if i actually did this.

I know that i won’t finish school. i know i’m going to give up again and i’m going to be dependent on Kris for the rest of my life. not that its not a good thing i just don’t want to do it anymore i want my money where i can go and do things that i know i can do. i wanna get my credit fixed first that would super bump up my credit.

[livingwithdepression15-blog]

PTSD from a car accident?

For some reason i have these unreasonable fears about cars. I hate them with like a serious fear about cars. In the last like 2-ish years i have been in about 5 accidents and for the most part i know what happened and i can tell you who caused them (she Voldemort)! I know that when i get in a car i get anxiety for some reason. The last car accident that i was in was the most serious one. I was rushed to the ER and immediately admitted into the ER. They had to staple my head and they were talking about going in for surgery in my right hip. With in 8 hours or so my hip filled up with blood and became very hard for me to put any pressure or movement with it. i had physical therapy for my hip basically they wanted to make sure i could walk. i was in a walker for a good week or so then i was able to use a cane to walk. They had to teach me how to go up and down stairs again. At 21 i don’t know why an adult has to be taught how to walk. 

That incident scared the living shit out of me. Because of that i am scared to basically do anything when it come to cars. i hate driving in them and i hate that i have to even be in one. i hate that cars are the main source of transportation in the world. I watched (like a dumbass) 2 car accident videos on facebook and now in 1hr and 15 mins i have to be in one. i have to drive across town by myself 2 times and then i have to go drive around town with someone who doesn’t even like driving. I don’t even wanna be in the car but here i go. I know i shouldn’t be awake right now because i know that i am going to have to drive. I really hope that i will be okay in the morning. 

Do you wanna know what the scariest part of the accident that still freaks me out? 

I don’t know what happened and the person who caused it won’t let me see the police report of the accident. i can’t find it anywhere online no matter how hard i look. i just want to know what happened and i want to know what really happened to my memory. i don’t remember anything anymore and its getting to the point where i forget what conversation i just had even if it was like 15 mins ago. i just want to know what happened to me in the accident i want to know what was lost and what happened. i want to remember anything from it. i know that it might make my “PTSD” worse but i really need to know. i want to see some sorta footage from the accident. i want to know what happened. i want to know what was going through her head when it happened. i know that after it happened the person who caused it came and saw me in the hospital after it happened and ALL of my family wanted to beat her ass. I am so scared that she caused something that can’t be undone. i wake up sometimes in night sweats because of what has happened to me. i know that i’m not supposed to be thinking like this all of the time but this is a real fear of mine. this is what it is like for me daily. i just want to be okay again. i want to be able to remember things that i use to. i just want everything to go back again but nothing is made to go back. Like a friend once told me “Your life is written in pen, There is no going back and changing what has been done. But you can change the outlook on it, it just takes time and patients.” 

[livingwithdepression15-blog]

Another day. It’s been a week or so where the depression has slowly started taken over. I feel it more then one normally should. I can feel the depression over taking my heart and my mind. I find my self up late and in bed all day. I’m constantly tired trying to find any excause on why I want to stay in the bed. I currently been helping “my mom” do things at her school because it’s a distraction. A distraction from my marriage that is falling apart a distraction from the depression. It’s seriously the only way that I get away from it all. I’m around kids who have so much light and it makes me happy. Then I get home and it’s like nothing has changed. My emotions are gone and none existent. My thought are going 100 MPM and I can’t stop them. My “husband” is over it all I know he is. I’m over it too. I attempt to reach out to the people who care and 1 person responds. (Just shows that I only have 1 person) I fight with my husband because god forbid I like talking to someone who’s knows what I am going through. She saw it everyday. At this point I’m about to say fuck it and go grab my bag and walk home. I am tired of being with people who don’t want me around and they make it obvious. My husband his mom his friends FUCK even his own family doesn’t want me around them. I don’t know why I keep on trying to make something happen when I know that I am going to be hated my entire life. I’m never going to be happy.

[livingwithdepression15-blog]

Depression

Depression is the pickiest feeling that i have ever had. 

It tells you when its going to happen and it tells you when you’re going to have it. It tells you when you are going to stay in bed and when you are going to be in a bad mood. 

I’ve been working on my depression for now the last 10+ years. Ive been trying to figure out what to do with it. I want to be able to tell others about how to live with it but if i can’t actually deal with it my self then i will never be able to tell others about it. So i vow to everyone including my self that when i am depressed i will reach out to someone that i know. I will reach out to someone that understands and gets what i am going through. I know that talking about something like that is way more serious then talking about a book or a movie but it is still a conversation that needs to be had between people across the world. People never really understand what is going to happen but people try. 

[livingwithdepression15-blog]

Downhill

Downhill. Depression is just that. Its all downhill. No matter what you do or no matter who you are around this shit just come out of no where. Ex. I was doing my laundry today and my husband put Shoved all of my cloths in too two loads.  Which is fine if he did it and they were able to dry. I was pulling my cloths out and all of a sudden EVERYTHING was wet EVERYTHING I DO MEAN EVERYTHING. I don’t understand how someone could possibly do something that DUMB that they make someone else cloths wet. In the 5 Years that we have been married and i have been doing his laundry never has he ever had to worry about his cloths being wet or damp i make sure i put ENOUGH in the washer to know when its going to dry in the dryer as well.... BUT for some reason he doesn’t give me the same Respect. Like he doesn’t like wet cloths so i make sure that all of his stuff is dry when he needs to wear them. BUT you know its not the same. I did tell him that they were wet and i got a half ass bull shit apology like he doesn’t give a single fuck that he added on 2 hours to my day because he wanted to do shit the lazy way. 

Being a gay male its pretty simple yes i am the female of the Marriage, i know that. But why can’t you do something simple like DOING THE LAUNDRY RIGHT! NO! that’s too much to ask isn’t it.  I just seriously dont understand how someone could be that lazy and not do the laundry right. I ALWAYS make sure that his stuff is dry.  Maybe i am just over reacting.

In the mist of all of this happening and me being up set i realized something today.

I AM COMPLETELY ALONE!  my family doesn’t ever really seem to reach out and i know that they are busy and i know that phones work both ways. Kyle has a 2 kids and a crazy ass wife. Beth has gunnar and her fiance and Bre has her self. Bre and bethany are so close that i dont know anymore. It sucks that i have no one. I have a kris and that is barely enough for me anymore. I love him to death but i dont know if i can keep on going through with shit anymore. I want to be happy i want to be okay. I don’t know if i can ever be happy with him in my life anymore.

Depression is getting worse.