living-a-lighted-way

[living-a-lighted-way]

I’m not sure what’s going on with me. I came here to write instead of google drives where I’ve written most recently because I felt like I needed to write somewhere dark. That sounds crazy in itself. I feel crazy

I keep getting these...episodes? Where I feel my brain screaming and my body thrashing, yet I am just sitting doing nothing, almost paralyzed. M will ask me something and I will just continue to sit there, not moving, not speaking. I keep telling him “I’ve been struggling a lot lately” and I’m not really sure what I expect him to do or say, I guess I just need him to know

I was crying in bed yesterday night and he said “what can I do to help?” I cried more and said “I don’t know” he got my weighted blanket and covered me up “here, maybe this will help” it did a little. He hugged me and played with my hair for a little bit until he fell asleep. i calmed down enough to fall asleep myself but woke up again feeling as though my mind is at war with not only my body, but my soul

There are moments when I’m afraid of myself. In those moments I end up under the table because I don’t know what else to do than to hide. But I have learned no matter where I go, I can’t hide from my own mind and no matter how far away I “go” I seem to always come back. In the past I was afraid I would go away and never return, now I’m just afraid I’ll never be able to survive living in my head for the rest of my life

Is this what recovery is? Sadness. Despair. Worry. Anxiety. Fear of ever going back to where I was, but not wanting to stay where I am. This can’t be recovery

I’m living in limbo and I don’t know how to get out. I don’t know if I ever will and I honestly don’t know if this is any better than where I started

[living-a-lighted-way]

It was like a police interrogation where the police officer was questioning me because he thought I was lying, trying to get to the bottom of some awful crime I had committed; the problem was, I didn’t know what the crime was

I knew she was offended, I also knew I didn’t mean to hurt her. Was I angry? Yes. Was I angry at her? No. I was angry at myself for not keeping my big, fat mouth shut

She told me she thinks I have anger issues. Maybe I do. She’s the professional, she would know better than I do. I don’t usually feel angry. Everyone once in awhile I do, but not often. When I do feel angry, I’m usually pretty good about apologizing shortly later, I never yell, I never hit, I never have the desire to hit, occasionally I have the desire to cry and scream and kick my legs, but usually that’s out of frustration with myself, not because I’m angry with someone else. But does that constitute an anger issue?

What is an anger issue? Is it my passive aggressiveness? Maybe it is. I mean, I do tend to handle disputes with the whole kill them with kindness, mentality. But isn’t that what we��re taught to do? And if that’s not what I’m suppose to do, then what am I suppose to do? I am fairly good about walking away from situations when I need to also, because there are sometimes when that’s the best thing to do, there are also times when it’s best to work it out

I think I’ll think on this

[living-a-lighted-way]

[living-a-lighted-way]

[living-a-lighted-way]

Psychology Daily - Quotes

[living-a-lighted-way]

Beautiful. We need to see more pictures like this.

[living-a-lighted-way]

So many unspoken words in this picture

[living-a-lighted-way]

Vegan macaroni and cheese made with chick pea pasta

[living-a-lighted-way]

Spaghetti bolongense with tricolored vegetable pasta and lentil balls and lemon pepper asapargus

[living-a-lighted-way]

[living-a-lighted-way]

Psychology Daily - Quotes

[living-a-lighted-way]

Psychology Daily - Quotes

[living-a-lighted-way]

My little patio garden :)

[living-a-lighted-way]

Psychology Daily - Quotes

[living-a-lighted-way]

Sunflower seed falafel

[living-a-lighted-way]

This amazing vegan chick pea gyro wrapped up and ready to eat!

[living-a-lighted-way]

Chick pea nuggets with garlic greenbeans cooked in hemp butter and gaucamole on the side

https://myplantbasedfamily.com/2015/11/20/chickpea-nuggets/ (I used whole wheat panko)