livelaughnope

[livelaughnope]

Also, I didn’t get to get the surgery done. The insurance wouldn’t cover even 15% of the price and both the insurance and my employer aren’t responding when I ask for the contract so that I can check with a lawyer if I can take the insurance to court to get the tumour removed and the functional procedures of my airways and nose fixed via their coverage.

I can’t believe I’ll have to sue.

[livelaughnope]

I feel like killing myself. But I can’t, because I have a fiv positive cat that if I don’t try to find a way to keep indoors (against the wishes of my mother and aunt, who own the house I’m living in) is certainly going to die because he’ll be neglected (he’s the SWEETEST little baby I’ve ever seen, and he isn’t even a baby. He’s seven years old. For some reason, they hate him, and I think it’s because he’s black and they’re the kind of religious zealots that see the devil in everything, and they’re obviously racist too).

Also, if I’m not around to care for my mom, my sister is going to assault her whenever she’s drunk (she’s an alcoholic), my older brother is going to spend every cent she has and leave her hungry and living in squalor because he doesn’t do ANYTHING around the house, and my youngest brother spends the whole of his free time playing games on the computer and doesn’t do SHIT.

She might be a lot of things, but I owe her at least the care she needs at the age she’s approaching.

However, that does mean that I’ll have to live at least 25 to 30 years more, which I really don’t want to. Really.

I have nothing to my name, I can’t afford to rent a place to take the sweet poor cat so that he’ll be safe and I really didn’t want to give him away, but since he’s fiv positive I’ll hardly be able to find him a new home, anyway.

I hate this. I wasted all my life fearing that if I actually lived it I’d regret it, and now I regret that I didn’t do shit and I don’t even have excuses for not having anything of my own, either some money saved or a place to live. I didn’t waste everything I’ve ever earned at my jobs because I enjoyed life, I wasted it on mediocre stuff that didn’t solve anything and now I am nothing and I have nothing. And I will never be anything.

I want to die. Peacefully, of course, but I would really love just ceasing to exist. And I can’t even fucking have that.

[livelaughnope]

Just took a photo to check my profile, because I’m getting a nose job soon-ish, and realised - rather late in the game, really - that if my face looks so awful on frontal view, which I obviously always knew since I have had access to mirrors throughout my life, it looks 100% worse on profile.

I look like a balding rat. And the ct scan shows how incredibly underdeveloped my right side is compared to the left side. I didn’t think it was that different, and the images shocked me.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget any of that, and fear that while the septoplasty is going to help me breathe better, I might not reap the aesthetic benefits from the surgery as much as I though I would now that I saw how my face is much uglier than I estimated.

I want to die now lol I’m old, I’m way uglier than I thought and now I’m even more embarrassed to be seen by anyone than I ever was before.

Why did I have to LOOK. I’m already so horrified at how old I am and how age is affecting me. I shouldn’t have done that.

[livelaughnope]

I’ve been praying to have a heart attack or whatever just like my cousin and just fucking die.

I’m reaching the breaking point again and I’m scared I’ll actually have a meltdown and just disappear with nothing to my name but the clothes on my body, if not actually going through with my plan b.

I can’t handle it anymore, and I have nowhere and no one to turn to, because if I try to talk to anybody I’m bringing the mood down, I have ‘bad vibes’, people say they don’t like it when I talk about the subject because it makes them depressed. I can’t ever say all that I need to get out of my chest, regardless of how much I need to do so.

I can’t post anything to my social media because of the same shit above, and because maybe my job checks employees’ SM.

Due to having elderly people, a child and a brother with a heart issue at home, therapy would only be possible if online.. but that would mean they’d listen to everything I say, I have no privacy at all.

Also, I’m about to lose my job, so I’ll lose access to the health insurance as well. And there’s a shit ton of things I still need to do, like go to the ophthalmologist, derm to check some moles, try another psychiatrist… I’m changing boss, and I might go to one that is the personification of moral harassment.

I am so alone.

All my prayers are in vain, and go unanswered. I don’t know what to do or for how long I can bear this. I don’t even have it in me to feel despair anymore, or to react in any way. Every attempt at magic or prayer fails. Every attempt at trying to change things fail. I am a failure, and a waste of resources.

[livelaughnope]

I hate it when I am there for my friends but they ghost me when I need.

I don’t mean in a ‘you’re going to be my therapist’ way, I mean in a ‘I just need to take some things off of my chest and I’m not even going to talk about my personal life, I just need to talk about some things that happened at work’.

And I can totally hear them when they need, I return their messages, I go out with them when they need and get to hear hours of monologue… and when I take an opportunity to say what’s been bugging me about work briefly, in less than 20 minutes, and then circle back to what they were talking to me previously, they say a word or two and go silent. It’s almost like I’ve never said anything.

I’ve talked about this on tumblr before, but since apparently I have no one I can count on to talk to (not just talk to and get no engagement, barely any acknowledgment) I’m going to write about it.

It hurts me, because I feel like I’m not being heard. I’m there for them whenever they need, and I don’t even get the courtesy of a ‘well, I don’t know what to say but that sucks! Hope things get better soon, man’.

Or even a ‘wow, that’s awful! Can we meet some time later to talk about that? I’m really low on bandwidth at the moment, I’ve been going through some things that are kind of exhausting’. Which I’ll totally respect! No one HAS to have the adequate emotional structure or the time to talk to you exactly when you need, I can totally understand that for you it’s not a good time to have a conversation about things that aren’t going well. I have to learn to set those boundaries myself, but hey, thanks for letting me know. But that’s not what happens, I get fucking ghosted. If I just wanted to say a sequence of words and not have any connection to anybody, not have a fucking conversation, I’d talk to the wall! To one of my socks, or both of them. I’d talk to my makeup collection, even. But I’m trying to talk to a person because I need some sort of conversation, connection, empathy, whatever you want to call it, and it fucking sucks that people just don’t care to the point of not even giving you the dignity of letting you know that they’re not up for it, they just want to be the ones speaking and your only job is to listen.

I wonder what’s going to happen if I just start doing the same to them as they do to me. I’m not going to, but I can’t help but wonder.

I feel so awfully alone. All of this reinforces my suicidal ideation, that says to me that I’m a burden and everyone is going to be better off without me.

[livelaughnope]

Another year, another birthday.

My brother baked me a cake, and I’m emotional over it since due to depression I hate celebrating my birthday. But I’m also guilty because he gave me some options to choose from (and didn’t take no for an answer) and I didn’t know I chose the cake that was most troublesome (red velvet, he says it’s a bit complicated compared to the others, that are easier).

I immediately backtracked and said I was going to choose another, but he said he was going to bake the one I chose and nothing else… and later I realised that although he works at the bakery, it’s probably going to cost him a lot to use the bakery’s resources. And even if I offer to pay him back or to cover the cost he’s going to decline and won’t tell me how much that was.

I know he didn’t mention the thing about it being more complicated out of frustration or unwillingness to make me that specific cake, but I just hate being inconvenient and causing trouble. And my heart is kind of broken because I didn’t ask him beforehand how much he was going to be charged, because at first I believed he was going to bake it here and I’d be able to buy the ingredients (or to ask my mother how much it was and pay him back without him noticing/knowing). I also thought he was going to make it small, just so that we could share it tonight, but he showed up with a big one. I feel so guilty!

At the same time, I’m very moved that he did it, he didn’t have to. He knows I hate my birthday and that I hate to be a burden.

Also, the cake is so good. Can’t wait to eat more tomorrow, because now I’m way too full to eat more. But it’s so good. And it’s beautiful, too. He knows what he’s doing, but he always says it’s shit because he’s a perfectionist. He doesn’t see how good the things he makes are, and I wish he did.

[livelaughnope]

I’m not too sure if it’s frustrating to know that no one reads my posts or if it’s a blessing that they don’t.

I feel like I’m not able to vent on my social media because people are going to think I’m ‘too negative’ or that I have bad energy or whatever and leave. Or the ones that have mental illnesses as well are going to get worse reading about how I’m not coping with my depression and anxiety.

On the other hand, if I don’t do SOMETHING to take these things off my chest I feel I’m going to go actual legit mad. As in, batshit crazy. I need the release, without anybody blaming me for my mental state or trying to give me solutions that I’m not asking for.

I feel guilty, and also trapped because if I can’t write what I need on my social media where am I supposed to do it??

I just need to feel like I’m being heard. But I don’t want to be a burden or inconvenient, and the rejection sensitivity is a fuckiNG BITCH.

[livelaughnope]

I can’t survive one more day. I cannot, I’m begging, please make me die. I DREAD the fact that I’m going to bed and have awful sleep and wake up and start all of this ALL OVER AGAIN.

For the love of all that is sacred, please let me go. I am begging, don’t make me have to bear this any longer, I can’t. I just can’t.

[livelaughnope]

We sent mom and my aunt to another aunts house, in an isolated area, to quarantine. If they stayed here they wouldn’t STAY HOME LIKE THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO.

My nieces went to their da’s. So now it’s me and my brothers.

And I’m crying because this might have been our last day together (w/ my ma, I mean) and I won’t know until shit happens, and she’ll be far from us and DEAR GOD, I simply cannot do this.

I’m absolutely terrified, first world countries’ healthcare systems are crumbling so how can I expect my third world country to survive this with a president that insists it’s just a flu and that wants to PROSECUTE the governors that are ACTUALLY declaring quarantine and demanding the people to stay home???

What will we do?? What will happen to us???? I’m scared, I’m so fucking scared.

[livelaughnope]

so... I have been trying for some time to get to talk to a friend that I very much consider a great friend.

since she took my resume to the place she works at and I was hired, however, we haven’t properly talked anymore, we’ve just had lunch a couple of times together but it’s all been weird.

like... she mostly either complains about work or shuts me down VERY sternly, even in front of other people.

i feel like she doesn’t like having me around but that can’t be it bc we don’t really work together, and we rarely ever talk while we’re working bc we’re on different teams. still, she always turns me down when i ask her if she wants to grab a coffee some time or have lunch or go somewhere. which is weird bc we’ve been friends for years and we’ve never had a falling out, and nothing happened.

i’m not sure what’s going on but I’ve been feeling like shit bc she’s been aggressive? and it’s probably sth in her personal life, sth that has nothing to do with me, but then why is she treating me like shit?

some other day she said we ‘needed to go out bc she needed to complain’ and girl... I GET IT, i really really do, so I said ‘sure, just say when and where! if you want i can come this weekend before you leave work and when you clock out we can go somewhere’. to which she replied... that she didn’t want to wait for me, so she’d tell me later when she could go. inside, i was like ‘what??? didn’t i JUST say i’d come BEFORE you finish your shift specifically so you wouldn’t have to wait???’

but i’m non-confrontational (until you MAKE ME enter the fight) so I just said ‘of course, i have this and this weekends off and i’ll work on this weekend, just let me know when is best for you and i will show up. count on me.’

she never followed through.

i have severe depression and anxiety (i have been since i was born, with suicidal ideations before i even turned ten - i remember thinking about suicide as early as when i was seven), six different meds didn’t work and i tried starting therapy twice.

i can’t remember a single time i have gone out with a friend and have monopolized the conversation only talking about me (surely i have talked about my life, but i have never asked anyone to go out with me exclusively to listen to me), but i sure as hell can remember going out with friends just to listen to them at times when I didn’t even want to leave my house or do anything at all, because that’s what friends are for. i have done this for her more than once. i have had several breakdowns but didn’t talk about it with anyone bc i don’t want to be known as the ‘bad vibes’ person, the one with ‘bad energy’ that always complains. nobody ever even tries to do the same for me (to talk TO me and not AT me).

so when people don’t make efforts to extend to me the same courtesy i do to them, i resent it... and then feel guilty. except that it isn’t even about that anymore bc the issue now is that she’s been aggressively shutting me down while still getting to complain about stuff to me and in return i find myself trying to understand how am i at fault??

and when i talk about my situation, she dismisses it as me not eating healthy and exercising bc that cures everything. or she says that i should see a therapist, and still criticises my habits. all i needed was for someone to tell me that even though my situation is not the worst in the world, it’s ok to feel the way i feel. that i am not crazy and that i am not unreasonable and that i did not cause this to myself, that i am not to blame. that no one deserves to be mentally ill. that i shouldn’t hate myself so fucking much, and that though they don’t know what to say or what to do to make it better, they’ll be there for me and WILL NOT JUDGE ME. bc i feel so judged, by my family, by myself and by anyone else. and she judges me a lot, herself.

and i suffer from insanely strong (negative) emotional reactions to rejection of any kind, so all of this situation has been like punch after punch to my guts. my fault, obviously; no one is responsible for this, i understand this completely.

today she removed me (and 2 other people, ok) from her work team’s group without warning. i am not on her team anymore (haven’t been for months, but the people are nice and me staying there has never been an issue before), but i was simply removed. no explanation, no warning. nothing. i don’t know if it was anything that i have done.

i have been feeling like shit, and this situation is going to keep me awake thinking about every flaw that i might have and how i am am awful person.