littlepieceofshadymystery

[littlepieceofshadymystery]

heyyy it’s 22.10.23 and i’m back writing here after ages.

this journey honestly is soooo lonely after my parents passing. i can’t cope, i can’t live and i basically still struggling after years. i was diagnosed 2 years ago and my life came crashing, my world turned into darkness that i can’t see a positive side into it anymore.

i missed them so much that my emotions are in a mess, it seems like i’m a headless chicken or myb blind leading th blind. others are having their life, their emotional support are there and they can share anything and everything, but i? i don’t have that privilege. i am currently in tears as i’m typing this. my threshold limit has gone to max these past few days! oh God, ain’t blaming th pre period hormones tho. it’s legit that i’m overwhelmed with things going around my life now. everyone’s coming to me for their own benefits. what if i am in need of help? who’d help me in any ways? i feel like there’s no one because to them i’m their life saver and to them, i don’t need them in any ways because i can live on my own and i’m ��strong”

oh boy they are so wrong. people once said, “i see how you carry yourself is full of confidence how can you say you don’t have any?” i portray myself as a strong person but heck they don’t even know half of what i’m battling in my mind, fighting my demons and some days i was defeated. i don’t see any wins tho? also as im typing, my cat, Ginger is sleeping on top of my head every so cute this cat of mine. sigh

i’m not planning to stay long in this world.. if ever God can take me away i wouldn’t want to face th pain anymore. if i were to be dead, i know id be in Hell for sure as for i have sinned but i can’t hold any longer. i don’t want to self diagnose myself w depression or trauma but things are getting difficult as days, years goes by. also for a fact that there’s bigger problems out there rather than mine, i just want to validate that my feelings and problems are valid too. 😪

i need you, i need my mama. this is taking a toll on me since you’ve passed. it’s eating me up so badly that i wanna sleep at your grave. to a fact that i don’t want to leave and talk to you and cry to you. it’s a different feeling when you share to everyone about everything yet you didn’t get to share it to your parents, it’s a heavy feeling that you can’t express. it’s a hanging soul that there’s no place to go and cling, ever.

life sucks and it’s lonely, they say believe God and you’ll not be lonely. maybe someday i’ll try..

[littlepieceofshadymystery]

When it’s over, leave. Don’t continue watering a dead flower.

Unknown

[littlepieceofshadymystery]

I miss everything about my life 😪

[littlepieceofshadymystery]

😌 281120

Things hasn't been th way that I wanted it to be and it's sad. I don't even know how to put it in words. If Abah were to be still around, he'll be th first one to be proud of what I'm doing and supporting me. I miss you ba. I always come back home crying this few days, if you want to know.

Things are rough on me. People around me doesn't seem to understand that I am struggling with my own feelings. Haven't been expressing it enough and when I do, they'd say I am overreacting and I get th bad name. I lost a guy, th one that I loved, th one that I cared and everything that I did, betrayed me. I felt that in instant. I wouldn't recover from that incident, I swear. Wouldn't know what love is anymore. You did it for th second time yet again. I don't know what to expect honestly. 😌

Work time, I've been deployed in a different department now. More of a ground work now. Yet again, Abah would be super proud of me. People at work didn't give support because I'm sure there's people who talks about me regarding this deployment. I don't even know if my friends ARE my friends. Don't even congratulate me, don't even support me. Idk, I've been having a hard time mingling around and have a rapport with people at work. Fuck it, it's not my fault. I'm sick and tired of always being th first one to approach and talk. Why can't people say hi or have a conversation with me first?! Say my facial expressions, I can't control it eventho I tried. Why people are so hard about it. I'm so tired to deal with this. I would have died in that crash that day but I think God still want me in this cruel world.

I hate it here. I cry and beat myself too hard for everything that I did even when it's not my fucking fault. Fuck you guys and fuck life.

[littlepieceofshadymystery]

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in.”

— Haruki Murakami (via quotemadness)

[littlepieceofshadymystery]

Tengok traffic nak nangis sial palafuck!!!!

[littlepieceofshadymystery]

You’ve come a lot farther than you often think. You’re doing so great! :))

[littlepieceofshadymystery]

“How beautiful to find a heart that loves you, without asking you for anything, but to be okay.”

— Khalil Gibran

[littlepieceofshadymystery]

We always run back to each other eventhough there's a massive fight th other day. We apologized and move on from that day but we mend it, together. Idk, idk what's this. I'm hurt yet you're th one who makes me th greatest.

Sigh.

[littlepieceofshadymystery]

“Why can’t people just sit and read books and be nice to each other?”

— David Baldacci (via quotemadness)

[littlepieceofshadymystery]

“I’m tired of everybody. Please forgive me.”

— Ernest Hemingway (via quotemadness)

[littlepieceofshadymystery]

“You are strong enough to face it all, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.”

— PUSHINGBEAUTY.COM

[littlepieceofshadymystery]

June 2019 Illustrations  ヽ(• ‿•)ノ

[littlepieceofshadymystery]

1 year and 5 months, I've been waiting for this day to come. To be back in your arms and finally, you're back.

Things changes and changed. It's normal, we'll work things out and we'll change together. We've made a point to what we like and don't like. I think we are more connected now than before? To be able to tell what went wrong and in all honesty we'll tell to make things better. I'm amazed, I'm grateful. No matter how long you were gone, th way you make me feel didn't change and it's th same as before. Crazy as it sounds.. I missed you everyday, I missed you even when you're right in front of my face. I love your smell, I love th way you treat me. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel less as a person because that's my insecurities coming up due to th incident. Slowly yet surely, beb.

Interesting as it seems, I'm up for anything. You understand my past, you take me as I am. We can joke around and talk aku kau without any hard feelings. Being and talking in matrep and minahrep style just to annoy you is my favourite! Funny how you can layan and make all th merepek talks. Sigh, love you la Zhu. More to come and I'm excited.

Hope nothing but th best. Long way to go, all is well, always, all ways. ♥️

[littlepieceofshadymystery]

I wouldn't wantu trust you anymore nor hold onto your promises. Because you're fake. Promises are shit.

[littlepieceofshadymystery]

“Some feelings sink so deep into the heart that only loneliness can help you find them again. Some truths are so painful that only shame can help you live with them. Some things are so sad that only your soul can do the crying for them.”

— Gregory David Roberts

[littlepieceofshadymystery]

“There are days I drop words of comfort on myself like falling leaves and remember that it is enough to be taken care of by myself.”

— Brian Andreas