littleelsey-blog

[littleelsey-blog]

Love & Changes

I hated my new life. My parents divorced and I had just moved to a new city, the city of Compton, California. I had to start a completely  new life here. I had to start a new school, meet new people, make new friends. The first day of school was horrible. On August 13, I started as a Senior at Compton High School. I remember right when I got dropped off I made my way down to the main office to get my schedule. I felt so out of place, this school was so different than my old High School in Mission Hills. My old High School in Mission Hills was a charter school and it was always so clean and we had uniforms, I felt so out of place here. Once I got my schedule I made my way down to my first class in Room 203. I arrived late and when I walked in all eyes were on me. My teacher Mr. Jefferson introduced me to my class as Jessie Rodriguez. Half the class greeted me and the other half kind of just ignored me. I went to go take my seat towards the back next to this guy. He was quite attractive, he had green eyes and he was tall...but by the way he dressed you could tell he was a cholo. I took my seat and the lesson began. I  constantly caught him looking at me, after a few times of making eye contact he introduced himself to me as Fernando. I politely introduced myself to him. Throughout the whole class he would just sit there, he did not open his notebook once. But the day went on, it was finally lunch after 4th period. The cafeteria was packed and I didn’t have a place to sit. I was holding my tray of food wandering around like a lost puppy. I walked by that guy Fernando’s table and he immediately called me over. Fernando told me to take a seat next to him and he introduced me to his friends as “ the homegirl Jessie” I felt awkward sitting with them, they were nothing like my friends back home in Mission Hills. A week went by and I found myself feeling more comfortable around them. A month later, I felt even more comfortable. I was starting to get used to this school and my new friends. One day after school I was walking towards my car and Fernando pops out of nowhere with a big sign and some balloons. The sign said..”Jessie, would you go to homecoming with me?” I instantly got butterflies, I’ve always thought Fernando was really handsome but I never knew he would ask me to be his date… Homecoming was in about two weeks and I spent those two whole weeks looking for the perfect dress. Homecoming finally arrived and Fernando picked me up from my house. I remember that look Fernando had on his face when my dad opened the door, he had such an amazing smile. But his suit pants were incredibly baggy, when my father saw that I knew he immediately didn’t approve. I remember I gave my daddy the biggest hug and told him I would be okay that night, I promised. I wish I kept that promise. Fernando drove us to homecoming and we had such a blast. And after that we went to an after party in South Central. When we first got there I saw all these girls and guys drinking. Then there was this other section of the party where people were doing drugs. I was so new to this..I didn’t feel comfortable here. Fernando grab my hand and said we had to have some fun tonight. He took me over to the part where people were taking shots. I honestly didn’t want to drink or do any types of drugs that night. But I was peered pressured..people were pressuring me to take a few shots, so I did. I started to feel it.  I liked it. I wanted more. Fernando made me feel bad but in a great way. Fernando took me over to this corner where people were doing drugs. After that, I was gone. I found myself waking up the next morning in this filthy grass field. I was so confused, I don’t remember how I got here. I was missing a shoe, I didn’t have my phone and worst I was alone. Once I found my way back home, I took a shower. Then that’s when I started to realize my body was craving something. I needed it, I wanted it. The drugs. I called Fernando and I asked him what happen last night, and he explained everything. He apologized for everything and how he left me alone. I was so angry at him for leaving me but love makes you do crazy things so I told him to come over. He got to my house. And he brought our new worst best friend. I was hooked instantly. One night I was alone in my room, and then I thought to myself. I never knew my life would come to this. I was so disappointed in myself. I was going down the drain. The thoughts were taking over, so I turned to my new worst best friend again. Weeks, months passed and I was failing several classes now. I just had given up in school, school was no point at this time. The only important thing to me was my boyfriend Fernando. I loved him so much, nothing mattered but him. We would do everything together….but Fernando would get out of hand at times. He would hurt me..emotionally and physically. I don’t know why I forgave him over and over. I was blind by the love. But I would never want to lose him. Finally my father noticed I was changing for the worst and he was more strict on me. But I would rebel against him. He then knew moving to Compton was a horrible idea. He even threatened me that we’re moving out of here, but him and I knew he didn’t have the money. One night I went to a party with Fernando. And we did the same ol, same ol. We took our worst best friend. But that night...that night was horrible. I don’t remember half of what happened that night. As far as I remember we went to a LA view and from there I just remember I was on the side of the road. I heard some sirens and some lights flashing on my face. I heard some men asking me what I took, and if I was left here alone. And that is all I remember. The next morning I woke up in a hospital bed. There was a man next to me. I was a bit afraid. “What happened? Where am I?” I asked the man sitting next to me. He said his name was Justin and that he was the man that saw me on the side of the road and called the ambulance. He explained to me how he was trying to help me, but I wasn’t being cooperative. Justin and I started talking more and more. I thanked him so much. Then I noticed Justin looking at my legs and my arms. “What are those purple marks on you?” he asked, I pulled the covers up on myself trying to hide them. I felt really open with him, so I told him and made him promise to not tell anyone. I told him I have this boyfriend that hurts me. That my boyfriend got me into the wrong life style, that I’ve been messing up in school. I told him I don’t want to continue this lifestyle. I told him I was addicted, I want to change and be a better person again and go to college. He held my hand and told me that it’ll be okay. That everything would be okay, I just need to be strong enough to let go of that addiction. My dad walked in the room and I could see the worry I caused to my dad. I told him I was fine and that everything would be okay. Justin and I exchanged numbers and I thanked him and he left. A few days later, I was released from the hospital. My dad was very angry and said I was grounded. If I wanted to change I would need to accept it. I saw Fernando the next day at school and he came up to me. He apologized for leaving me there, that they didn’t even realize they left me behind. I told him what happened, and I could tell he felt so bad. I told him we were over and I walked away. All week he wouldn’t stop calling me, he would show up to my house or he would try talking to me at school. I even had to switch all my classes and lunch schedule to get away from him. He was no good for me, I had to let him go. This one night I was sitting in my room and I hear my phone buzz. It was a unknown number, I answer. It was Justin. He asked if I’d like to go on a date with him to go bowling then to go eat. I went on the date with Justin the day after. We had so much fun. Within weeks we just clicked and started hanging out so much more. He helped me find some programs for my addiction and they were really helping. He was so kind. He accepted me for me and my problems. I caught myself falling for him, but it was a nice feeling. I felt safe. I guess within months we were “Jessie and Justin” I really enjoyed this. One afternoon Justin invited me over to help him clean out his basement. I was organizing some photos of his when he went upstairs to get us some water. I came across a picture of these two little boys hugging. The little boy on the left looked so familiar. He had green eyes, so familiar. I looked at the picture even more and more trying to figure out who it could be. Justin came downstairs and asked what I was looking at. I showed him and then I asked him “Who are they?” He then told me he was the little boy on the right, and that the little boy on the left was his little brother Fernando. That took my breathe away. I didn’t know what to say, I was shocked. I asked him if they were close. He then told me his parents told him when he was a child he ran away from home when he was about 10 years old and that he hasn’t seen him since he was a kid. I felt sick to my stomach and I immediately went home. This all felt wrong now. I couldn’t do this. I was 18 now and out of highschool. I got my car that night and drove and drove and drove. I needed to drive away from my problems. I had to get away from that area. All that area brings are problems, sadness and tears. I settled in Texas. I started a new life there. Got myself a little apartment. Justin, Fernando and my father would call me everyday. I called my dad back to let him know where I’m at, that I’m okay and that I love him. So now I’m going to college and I have a job. Life is great. Now I’m just sitting in a coffee shop enjoying the rain we’re having today.  

-unknown

[littleelsey-blog]

...

I don’t know what to do. I’m so hurt. I feel like everyone abandons me. Everyone always walks out my life. I got to the point that I don’t have friends anymore. I’m so ashamed of so many things that I’ve done. I can’t... 

[littleelsey-blog]

But not all endings happen with waving hands and the loudest of goodbyes, because sometimes endings were made of teary eyes and the saddest of smiles.

ma.c.a // Epilogue (via vomitingwords)

[littleelsey-blog]

It's ok. You'll soon forget him.

unknown