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4 Tips for Walking Through the Sydney CBD

Sydney’s premier business district is known for its artful intersections, intellectual corners and flowing pavements on which its most esteemed citizenry, those exemplars of selfless consideration and thoughtfulness – corporate assholes – glide to and from the office and home everyday. If you ever find yourself walking amongst these assholes through the Sydney CBD, here’s some helpful tips:

Find someone fat and walk behind them On the footpaths of the Sydney CBD, corporate assholes will walk into you from all directions, without apologising. That’s why a human windbreaker makes all the difference. The only problem is that you usually have to find a new one once you pass a McDonalds.  

Press pedestrian crossing buttons multiple times Taking example from many corporate assholes, apparently if you press the button frantically and impatiently multiple times, the walk light will appear faster. One way to passive-aggressively display your contempt for someone else waiting at a crossing is to, despite having seen them already press the button, proceed to press it again, multiple times –  because they clearly did it wrong.

Avoid eye contact with everyone Like the ancient Israelites, God has personally chosen you as His sole heir to a narrow strip of barren land – the footpath. The only reason you should ever make eye contact is if someone bumps into you and you need to convey to that person your righteous indignation over how stupid they are for having bumped into you, God’s chosen owner of the footpath.

Avoid body-contact with lunchtime exercisers In the Sydney CBD, there are two types of lunchtime exercisers; fitness freaks who take it too seriously and those for whom it is the only exercise they’ve ever done in their life. Easily identifiable by their corporate-logo emblazoned active-wear darkened by monstrous torrents of sweat relentlessly cascading down their desk-job physique, the latter are easily identifiable as stereotypical members of an IT department. Untamed back hair is rife, arm acne rampant, and ripples of fat are unleashed by these sweat-begrimed beasts, with whom body contact should be avoided at all costs.

Stay tuned for my next post.

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Sometimes it’s hard to know what to do with your hands while making small talk at work. Holding an empty tea cup helps.

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5 Rules for Making Small Talk at Work

Struggle making small talk at work but don’t have Asperger's? Here’s 5 of the most important rules for making small talk at work: 

Talk about the weather The weather and its variability holds endless fascination for not only people at work but in general. It’s usually the first thing someone brings up when forced to make small talk with a.) a colleague they don’t know that well, or  b.) anyone. But when engaged in weather-related small talk, the subtext is clear, i.e. I have nothing else to talk to you about and this is just filler so things don’t get awkward. Although to some, the weather is genuinely fascinating. These people are usually in marketing.

Talk about your significant other     If you don’t have a girl/boyfriend or husband/wife, just say you do. This opens up a whole new well of pabulum that you can plumb the depths of for the purposes of small talk. Talking about the weather will eat up a few awkward moments, but injecting a story about your non-existent significant other is like adding nitroglycerin to the conversation. 

Talk about your weekend People love to pretend to love hearing about what you got up to on the weekend. The problem is that everyone else ALWAYS gets up to far more exciting things than you. Your colleagues’ tales of sky-diving, music festivals, road trips and the like make for much more interesting listening than your weekend of sitting in the darkest corner of your room masturbating. So do what I do, just make up a story. To help you out, here’s a weekend story template: “I had the best weekend! I [insert fun activity] with my [insert significant other] and/but the weather was [insert personal assessment of the weather].” That’s seriously all you have to say.

Don’t talk about anything mildly important The key to good small talk is complete lack of substance. People generally find discussing politics, religion, philosophy or anything remotely intellectual a complete bore. Instead, make sure you broach subjects like the three aforementioned points, plus reality TV, celebrities, sport or any other meaningless subject. For real life examples of how this is done really well, stroll over to where the marketing people are and watch as they open and shut their mouths without actually communicating anything.

Don’t make small talk with your boss at the urinal This happened to me at my last workplace. Making small talk with work colleagues is horrible enough, let alone if it’s with your boss, and you’re doing it while you’re both holding your own dick.

Stay tuned for my next post