liltasteoflana - Tumblr blog

[liltasteoflana]

I found this website scribblethought.com

Where we are free to share things we’ve never once told.

As I am reading I’m seeing confessions of heartbreak, love, regret, gratitude and everything in between.

I felt it all so deeply, this world is so abundant in emotion. While we may feel alone in our experiences, we are not. This is not “my world that everyone lives in”, no, the reality is we all have our own individuality and our own lives. We have common experiences but these feelings, emotions and memories are ours personally. Whether we share them or not, but at the end of the day it’s up to us to understand one thing. We make mistakes, we regret, we love, we appreciate, we sing, cry and laugh! We are human and that’s that.

Attached are somethings I needed to release from my mind, some things that needed to be shared that I’ve never shared.

- Lana

[liltasteoflana]

I am not a mess today, I need to recognize that because when I’m in a rut I catch myself saying

“Why am I never happy?” “I’m always miserable.”

When in reality that’s simply not true. It’s the days I decided to not go outside . When I don’t eat nutritionally. I’ve had this realization where I must be an active member of society. When I’m not doing that my depression gets the best of me and then the clouds roll in. Then soon enough I can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. My depression is scary because with it comes endless overthinking about trust issues, insecurities and a lot of rude judgement towards myself and others. Icky. Lastly I end up with suicidal ideations, those of which are terrifying and intensely sad. I must incorporate these beneficial techniques in my life so I don’t get so down. So today those things are in tow and I’m feeling a lot better. It’s nice to be able to breathe again.

[liltasteoflana]

I’ve been doing a lot more thinking than writing, but this entry has been a long time coming. I’m now in a position to speak on it due to the clarity I’ve gained since. I struggle with mental health everyday and I know others do too. I’m scared to talk about it, yet I’m tired of shaming something that’s apart of me. This is something I am passionate about and that I will speak on. I’m able to find my voice through my writing, and reflection assists me into learning lessons and gaining wisdom. Anyways, I hope my words reach whoever it is that might need to hear it.

Tenacious

I was not doing well around Christmas last year, it actually felt like darkness was my reality and I thought I would never find a way out. That was until I discovered something within me that continues to be very impactful and life changing. This was the act of courage. I came across this skillset while in a vulnerable state.

This occurred around December of last year, I was standing in my room when reality set in. I had hit a mental rock bottom. I realized I was sick and that I needed help from medications, therapy, ect. I had been manic for months. I recall being outside as fall approached, stepped inside for what I thought was a brief moment, but when I came back outside it was the middle of winter. When my brain was finally able to register this, it broke me and I fell to my knees. That’s when memories of many occasions flashed through my head of me in complete despair on the floor of bedrooms, or bathtubs , even side walks. As I watched this montage in my mind, I noticed one thing in common. That when I was on my knees due to physical or emotional pain, I was accepting defeat. I had given up and allowed life to break me and victimize me. By recognizing that pattern, I gained the power of knowing that I am not a victim and I’ve had enough. I was sick of it. I was done giving up. So with courage I slowly picked myself up of the floor, and with conviction I spoke. “I will never let anything bring me to my knees, ever again.”

This is now a mantra that I have enforced and is functional to my everyday life. Now instead of giving up, I put one foot in front of the other and I give myself a chance. The ability to persevere and have the courage to do so opens doors that I never would have been able to see from the floor. And I will forever stand on that.

xoxo

Lana

“So far, you’ve survived 100% of your worst days” -Unknown

[liltasteoflana]

you know i realized something about living that makes it better,we are always subconsciously raising the bar on ourselves and rarely do we take a step back to realize just how far we've come from our lowest lows of 'its so done for me theres no way im making it outta this one im a dead man walking' and when i look back on that moment i feel happy i didn't give up on that sad broken kid and i know someday ill look back and be happy i didn't give up on that broken man and then some day even further in the future ill be able to tell my family the epic tale of my life and the misadventures of my youth and the folly's adolescent me persevered through to make it to the here and now to tell the tale.so take solice soldier your fights not over so steady that brow and take up arms we gotta make it outta here alive🤝

[liltasteoflana]

Completed

Contemplation

“The contemplative mind is about receiving and being present to the moment, to the now, without judgment, analysis, or critique.”

I wrote this in 2019 and found it in my notes a few days ago, so much has changed and so much hasn’t.

8.9.19 10:19pm

A new chapter

I’m addicted to a lot of things, usually the things that I like or love. Such as my cats,I have 4; cigarettes, my boyfriend, alcohol, cocaine. I’m also addicted to things such as my anxiety, or my misery. Its almost as if I am addicted to the feeling of fixation. I am hooked on a lot of things because I am scared to lose everything.

I don’t want to grow old and wish I had a better mind set or didn’t let my feelings get the best of me. I want to live a care free, loving, positive, peaceful life. I can’t remember the last time I felt pure tranquility. I strive for a free life. A life free from my mind and all it’s fixations.

I don’t want these things to be the expansion of myself. These THINGS do not define me.

Where am I? I feel lost but.... how can you be lost when you never had the path?

—————————————————————————

I always something to say because I’m very opinionated, but this time…. no, not this time.

xoxo

Lana

[liltasteoflana]

M. C. Goodwin

How stars are made. 2022

[liltasteoflana]

Autonomy

I have this one very specific moment in my life. As a result of this came the most momentous and tranquil feeling I’ve ever encountered. For some it may be simple but for me it has always been a rarity. Now let me paint a picture of this significant point in time.

It’s a warm summer night, almost 3 o’clock in the morning. I’m wearing a tank top, blue jean shorts and my face was sun kissed from the day before. My 21st birthday just passed, so I decide to head to the local Royal Market for a blunt wrap and a 40oz. I’m walking across the big empty parking lot. Not a worry, thought, or opinion about myself, anything or anybody . Not a car in sight, not one person, shit…. not even a stray cat. The summer air was still, and soft, similar to a warm hug. I breath in and the air was so fresh I could feel my lungs expand with each inhale. I then consciously decide to stop walking.

As I stop dead in my tracks i am standing in the middle of this parking lot. When I say middle I mean that it felt like I was standing precisely in the center of everything, something, and nothing at all. I’m standing with my feet together, arms at my side, while my chin is up and I’m looking to the sky. I realize that I have grown out of adolescence and that I am a woman. Within that exact moment I felt freedom. My phones dead, I don’t have to be at work, my mom has no idea what I’m up to, hopefully she’s sound asleep at home. I exonerated all shame, judgement, all of the restraints that my youth had me in. I was just existing.

It was that moment where I felt complete solitude and I allowed myself to be carefree. I looked into my soul and I, for the first time, accepted myself unconditionally. All while having the realization that being fully present unburdens us from our regrets of the past and lifts the worries about what’s to come in our future. Sometimes we just need to take midnight stroll to the corner store for a blunt wrap and a 40oz. I know I needed it.

xoxo

Lana

[liltasteoflana]

I always thought you feel a lot of emotions when you get sober and that was the hardest part, and yes there is truth to that. I now know that when I’m sober I’m almost on auto pilot, almost like I’m numb, or maybe even just normal or balanced. Those are unfamiliar feelings but I realized this, I had no reaction or internal understanding for others. From being a kid I always had this disinterest in life at such a young age, it’s as simple as I remember watching Americas Funniest Home Videos. While everyone else was laughing at something funny happening, I would have no reaction. Like I just didn’t give a fuck. On the other side of the coin I lost many people in my life like Jim, Patrick or Cathy, I had no reaction to the news, I felt numb. Even at the funeral, I just felt nothing. I’d even try to fake these emotions within myself and I just felt…. Nothing. I don’t know! I could be a psychopath, or I could’ve just been guarding myself. Maybe Ive never had any regard for how other people feel, not even myself. I always thought I was an empath and I could be but then why would I still continue to hurt those that I loved?

Or maybe I’m just high and trying to justify my addiction….

xoxo

Lana

October 2023

[liltasteoflana]

Source: unknown

[liltasteoflana]

*The cat at the top of the staircase*

I’m going through a really big transition right now one that has been very scary in the past. I’m a little shaky, I’m very sweaty and I know once that tear drop falls, it’ll start hailing. I decided to take a step back and sit on the bottom step of my parents stairs, of the old house I grew up in. That is when I wasn’t running around the city being a goon and caught up in the mix. Anyways, so I look at this cat and I start to pet him, as I push back his warm little ears, he’s looking into my eyes, he has the sweetest little button nose, and his presence fills my heart with warmth. I didn’t realize how cold my essence was being reduced to, it’s small moments like these that always slap me in the face. I just knew he was listening to me utter about how I feel like I am witnessing the assassination of the women I’ve been working so hard to become. He then gets up and runs away to the top of the stairs, he’s looking down at me and I’m sitting on the bottom step, vexed by him leaving, “Why can’t you just sit with me for a second?” “You can’t just be with me for a second??!” and then I pause. I realize he likes his space, which in turn created this rabbit hole of self reflection and I realized that I don’t like space, i loathe it. Nonetheless I need it. So instead of looking to other people to fill that silent air, I instead need to sit, take a second, and smell the damn roses that are right in front of my face. Now inhale and exhale. Wow, would you look at that, he’s back and now we are quietly sitting in each others presence.

xoxo

Lana

[liltasteoflana]

That good good

How can someone know what you need and what you want, if you do not know what you need and what you want and I’m not talking about that bullshit that fills in the gaps, I’m talking about the good stuff, the real good stuff. You know? Like what you truly need and what you truly want.

xoxo

Lana

[liltasteoflana]

I think I wasted all my words, nobody listens anymore.

[liltasteoflana]

[liltasteoflana]

I love to write, I never share it because it’s very personal, they’re the words I chose, it’s my perception, experience, it’s my complete unfiltered and untouched thoughts, feelings and emotions. I’m choosing to share this today because this entry is the exact expression and raw fucking emotion, that truly is the person, the mentality, and the student I want to be. I wouldn’t have been able to write what feels like one of my most important pieces if it wasn’t for everything and everyone that has impacted me negatively or positively. Thank you.

•LOVENLOSSNLOVENLOSS•

I have two monumental friends that are the closet to me. These decisions were not made over night, this has been an ongoing, day in & day out, battle, this conclusion is the end that Him, Her and Me have put blood, sweat and tears into. I got clean for me, but if I didn’t see the people I loved the most go through the same thing, I know that I would’ve been unable to look inward. ——-

So, last night I ended the relationship with my dear dear friend. I’ve been avoiding this because I didn’t want to lose her. So when I came to terms and looked at the reality, the hard truth, that I had lost her to her addiction. That she was no longer the friend/person/sister I always wanted and needed. Looking at her, she’s just a shell of…. fuck. She’s just a shell. Taken away so far, that she no longer wants help. I lost my friend today, yet she still breaths. Please, wake up, I miss you, we miss you, please come home.

And then….

This morning i finally found him after weeks of searching, he’s homeless, sweaty, and walking as if his body is barley holding up. We hug tightly and I ask “where the fuck have you been!!”. With resilience in his eyes, he said “At the clinic, getting clean.” We shouted to the air screams of joy. Together we sat on the curb and laughed and we cried, we hugged and we cried some more. We had the long awaited talk made up of the unspoken words that filled the air every time we were together, we could speak on them because it was the exact moment that they needed to be said. I told him I will not stop until he is sober because everyday he shows how much he wants it, because he’s willing to ask for help, and because he still has a little bit of love for himself in his shell. Tomorrow we go to look at rehabs. Tomorrow his life is going to change. (This is a big fucking deal btw)

But now I have two conflicting, yet complimentary feelings;

Loss

I’m losing this admirable person/friend/sister that helped me in this life, who loved me for me, and ultimately was compassionate to everything and everyone with a struggle. Did no harm, but took no shit. A real, and rare human that you only meet once. When writing about this loss, it brings me to my knees and I want to stop talking. I choose to keep on writing because I want to remember this pain, it’s different than most of my sufferings. This one feels like I lost a limb, I lost a piece of my heart, mind and soul. This is why this pain is different, it’s because I am okay with it. It’s simple, I would have rather feel this every fucking day, over not having this friendship , SHE has a huge influence on my life, and without her I would not be the proud woman that I am now, it’s an honor knowing that she has pieces of me, she can have them. You truly have earned it, I’ll be here when you’re ready to come home. When you’re ready to accept the love you have always deserved.

Gain

I’m gaining my brother back, my support system, I’ll finally get to hear his contagious laughter that could shake an entire stadium, having everyone laughing so hard all they feel at that moment is pure, raw, fucking untouchable joy. The person that never let the actions/wrongdoings of others taint his character. I believe that you never did anything out of spite to hurt others but in the end I saw that you accepted hurting yourself. I see you and I understand. If only you could see yourself through the eyes of the ones who truly love you, I know that when I look at you I see the most open-minded, original, and complex kid I’ve ever fucking met. I noticed a pattern in my life and that was you, you always left and ventured on your own, and you always showed back up at the perfect time. From the moment we met, from our minds, to our humor, from rants, to roasts. We just were balanced, you showed me what it is to not compare and to always know that we are all equals. You my OG, my best fucking friend, from my first interaction with you in the 4th grade where we met, little ass kids. You made me feel seen and heard. I hope you know that you have always been a priority in my life and it’s now my turn to give you what you gave to me years ago; a person who undeniably and unconditionally believed in me. As long as you want me in your life, I promise I will be there every step of the way kid.

I never publicly share my writing, but I cant be silent about this one. My life right now is hands down my greatest success story so far. That success isn’t linear, it’s been lot of sacrifice, introspection, embarrassment, failure, grief and straight up, the loss of people, places and things that undeniably shaped me. I have learned so many things and it’s constant and I crave it. I’m learning from my mistakes, I’m holding myself accountable for my actions, I love being wrong, but most of all I’m learning to not give a fuck. I give no fucks anymore about what people think about me, about why that car cut me off, I will not be giving a fuck about why my best friend in the sixth grade didn’t like my new selfie. I will no longer give a single fuck about shit that does not matter! My relationships matter, my health, how I cope with my triggers, the words I use and how I say them, all of these values and morals. I need them and I will continue to pursue them, at the end of the day those fucks make me feel whole.

xoxo

-Lana

[liltasteoflana]

I’m super fucking triggered right now, I’m thinking about when Sam overdosed and I couldn’t save him, I’m thinking about how my uncle shot himself in the head. How I’ve tried to kill myself twice, and how Matt had that gun on his head only a few months ago. I’m thinking about Blake, Kayla, Maryfer, Karl, Jim, all the people I’ll never see again. I’m thinking about how death has taken so much love from me.

[liltasteoflana]

July 7th, 2023. 10:27pm

I don’t care to be sober, until that come down hits.

[liltasteoflana]

I thought I was okay, I am not okay.