lilcoffeemorefaith

[lilcoffeemorefaith]

Hi, I'm back again for selfish reasons and that is to dump some overwhelming feelings I'm having these days.

I hope someone reads this. I hope no one reads this. It's a conflicting feeling.

I want to be hidden and at the same time I want to be seen - the irony of the human mind.

[lilcoffeemorefaith]

[lilcoffeemorefaith]

Happy new year!

Welcome to the annual anxiety of going back to work when you haven't reduced your backlogs over the holidays.

And I say ...

It's alright. My Heavenly Father is here. 💕

Just keep on. 💟

[lilcoffeemorefaith]

Over and over again.

im going to be living proof that all it takes is to choose God over and over again for one to be completely satisfied.

[lilcoffeemorefaith]

— Oswald Chambers

[lilcoffeemorefaith]

When we expect other people to do exactly just like what we want but do not do them, it creates disappointment and other ugly feelings.

Mapapaisip ka rin kung masyado ka bang nag eexpect. I'll be honest, I can do some of the things I ask other people to do pero minsan, it really is a matter of ownership and responsibility eh (work & personal) and sometimes panlalambing (personal).

I hate these feelings. Yung compassion and empathy mo to other people, nababawasan. It even creates distrust. :( Your expectations were not returned or met. Haaaay. Kaya bawas bawasan ang expectations and be honest rin with other people para hindi rin bottled up ang feeling. Take your own advice, self.

[lilcoffeemorefaith]

I want to rant about other people here.

But even in my messed up state, I know that is not a good thing. I would look at these posts in the future and would regret voicing out uncapped feelings here rather than processing them.

Kailangan natin nang magdedebrief. 🥲 No joke.

[lilcoffeemorefaith]

Poor or stagnant relationship with the Lord will be evident in one's life.

Kaya nga trees will always be known by their fruits, di ba?

Sa tao, kita yan sa way sila magwork, magpalaki ng bata, makirelate sa asawa at sa ibang tao, sa pagmanage ng bahay, sa pag-aalaga sa sarili. Lahat apektado.

Sakin? Kitang-kita yan. That's why I am so sad at the state I have become. At this point (and at any point in life), only the Lord can help me restore, first, my relationship with Him and next, my relationship with His creations.

I don't want to just change. Praying and aiming for a transformed life. 🙏

[lilcoffeemorefaith]

Small things matter.

Ang hirap rin pala kapag basta mo na lang pinalalampas yung mga maliliit na bagay. Later on, malaki na yung balik nya sayo.

I've always regretted why I didn't push through with Tukne's baby-lead weaning when he started eating solid foods. I didn't have the support from my in-laws and husband. Mas madaling magprepare ng isusubo mo na lang sa baby, hindi ka na masyadong mag-iisip. Mabilis lang iprepare. Sure ka pang di sya mabibilaukan.

Our over-intervention has led to Tukne's over-dependence on us now when it comes to eating. Mapili sya sa pagkain. Ayaw ng veggies and fruits - very select lang. Minsan hindi talaga kumakain kung hindi gusto ang food.

We are also too excited to introduce him to 'adult' food na we are able to ignore and overlook yung nutritions na dapat pa lang sana nya narereceive appropriate to his age.

Late na, oo. But I want to correct this and let him have a healthy relationship with food. Unlike me - kapag masyado nang nakasanayan, mahirap na i-correct. I hope we can both change and improve. God help us and give us people who can help and understand.

[lilcoffeemorefaith]

Simula nang naging toddler si Tukne, extra challenge na ang motherhood for me.

I always felt like a bad mom. I can't make him drink formula milk. I can't make him eat by himself. I can't regulate my response to him when he is 'annoying' and immediately I felt guilty. I can't stop him from throwing things or hitting other people. I can't stop his screen time. I can't make him eat nutritious food. I can't think of other ways to let him creatively play. He's been too dependent on me, always crying while I was away. He gets sick easily (and I felt fully responsible of that).

I am an exhausted and distracted mom. I felt overly touched, I felt overly used but at the same time I felt overly invested without receiving any fruits. I don't feel the support coming from other people. It's been a burden to think how they can help me and not be able to receive it in the form I want it and when I need it.

I'm also working and this has always been a dilemma - responding to both the needs at home and at work at the same time. I don't excel at both areas - I had my delays, my shortcomings, and disappointments.

Sometimes, I want a break, too, and I want it without being overly judged. Why is it so hard for me to get?

Why am I not prioritized?

[lilcoffeemorefaith]

Ang taas dati lagi ng expectations ko when it comes to relationship, yung tipong all the sweet things happen to me tapos laging pinapafeel sayo na special ka.

Ngayon halos wala na talaga kong expectation. Alam ko naman na little things matter. But if they do, lalo na siguro yung malalaki di ba? Sana effort naman sa mga espesyal na okasyon. Haay. Might delete later.

[lilcoffeemorefaith]

Nostalgia. Ate Lucy. Daniel Project. SEAMN.

[lilcoffeemorefaith]

Read this verse before the day we created a conflict with friends fr Chiang Mai.

Should have really meditated on the full verse rather than focusing on what I only want to interpret "hate what is evil, cling to what is good".

What a compelling guide in relating with our friends in the ministry. Continue teaching me oh Lord and giving me a heart that listens and follows your Word.

[lilcoffeemorefaith]

6/12 days into the trip.

Homesickness struck deeper now.

Tukne can sleep on his own without me now. He often don't want to talk to me thru the phone. Either he's avoiding me or well... just growing or adapting.

Sadness weigh heavier than relief since they are doing okay without me.

C'est la vie.

[lilcoffeemorefaith]

2 days before my work trip.

Small celeb for graduates sa family - Dylan, Nonoy and Valeng. ❤️

Tama nga noh, dapat sa family, we always aim to live a better life than our predecessors. Kaya mga bhie, mag aral pa kayong mabuti para makapagtapos. 🤗

[lilcoffeemorefaith]

First time since pandemic and being parents that Aja and I went to work (onsite) together. Dahil maaga ang shift nya at 6am, maaga rin ako nakarating sa office. Had simple breakfast with Kuya Dadik dahil ngayon lang din nakapag-catch up. Haaaay, early mornings in the office are so serene and peaceful, sana lagi hehe. May sense of accomplishment agad tayo sa aga natin pumasok. :) 

Start na ba ng pagiging morning person natin? Uhmmm. Hahaha. 

[lilcoffeemorefaith]

Lord forbid that I should fear to change for the better or be so pleased with myself and the things which surround me that I feel no need for a higher life. Make me dissatisfied if I am not trying to grow in truth and to live in noble deeds. Amen.

What a wonderful prayer.