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[lilacsnrailroadtracks]

you have surgery in 4 days

i was initially told by the plastic surgeon’s assistant at 4pm a week before this was supposed to go down. she told me i’d have to stay overnight maybe more depending on my healing. whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?! so i kinda decided for myself over the weekend that i couldn’t make arrangements for all this so soon. well my surgical oncologist (who’s an amazing person!) called me monday afternoon after some phone tag and asked why i was so hesitant. 

i didn’t have all the answers. i just had an mri the day before, i hadn’t even seen the plastic surgeon. at that point if it was just a single mastectomy i was just going to leave it because i didn’t care. what about all those recalls on implants or things that have gone wrong with them? someone needs to address that. i was originally scheduled to see the plastic surgeon the day before it was supposed to happen. uhh i’m not cool with that. 

so my appointment was bumped up to tuesday and then i was to see my surgical oncologist right after. and so i was told surgery was happening on friday. pardon? yep it was the only day that both surgeons could coordinate their schedules and the next time would be in late june, which she said was too late. all my questions/concerns were answered & addressed. of course there were things i didn’t know to expect & that my mobility would be severely limited for the next while, but i also knew that i had a wonderful support network through so many friends, my chosen family, that i knew i’d be ok. and i am. i feel like after having met both surgeons they decided that ASAP would be easiest and the found the earliest time to coordinate possible. they looked at me thought: she’s young, fit, athletic, she can handle this. and well i am, but i wish i had more time to think about clothing, all the produce i had in my fridge that i wouldn’t be able to really cook...the shows i’d miss. Adria Kain, TOBi, Haviah, Nitty Scott, John River, Resilient Together Photography at City Hall, Slyfield’s show...

went out for ramen with a friend 2 nights prior to my surgery & went to go see my bartender afterward. he shoulda warned us it was a comedy night because it was painful. i really coulda made people laugh about breast cancer more than their awkward jokes about sex.  

then drinking. because it was my last night i could drink...my last night as an A cup. but also my last week with my tumour, Doug Ford. everything was happening so fast, perhaps some decisions made without me having the time to think it through, but sometimes life goes at you fast and you just gotta roll with it. 

so you might think, where is her family in all this? welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll we don’t get along. much. and i was hesitant to tell them at all. but i felt i should out of respect for them. biggest regret of my life. i started crying because i felt bad for burdening with more shit and then my mother tried hugging me & i was trying to get away from her. we were never raised as a touchy-feely family so this was like a pity hug to me. NOTHANKYOUUUUUUU~! she then said: come home. huh? what it’s not a home to me, never has been, never will be. so i lied & told her i had a partner to take care of me. she sends me this email later asking me if i had a GP, knew what a mammogram or biopsy was...i been through that already... and that she was worried. if you’re concerned about my apparent lack of navigating my own health, that’s not my problem. so i will continue to ignore this mess because i’m not wasting energy on it. 

[lilacsnrailroadtracks]

my ironic is better than alanis morissette’s

me. a proud card carrying member of the itty bitty tity committee has been diagnosed with breast cancer. on a good day i’m an A cup. HOW did this happen? i don’t know yet. but i do know that no matter what i have to laugh because this is what gets me through life.

the plastic surgeon told me that once the tissue is removed the skin will already be stretched out. the smallest implant is bigger than what i have so my skin would heal funny so i have to go bigger. i mean, i guess so... it’s not something i’ve ever thought about. b stood for butt for me, but now it might be for B cup too? in terms of timing this is the beginning of summer sooo... get it done and over with and then enjoy the fruits of summer, right? 

[lilacsnrailroadtracks]

halluelujer! i have an answer. oh shit, i have cancer

this isn’t for you. this is for me. i’m lazy. i also won’t have the wherewithal to update everyone all the time. i’m not sorry. i’m sarcastic as fuck, i have to laugh - all the time. i’m still me. living unapologetically. i don’t want to hear this courageous, fearless, strong blah blah blah. maybe this will help the next person get through things, but i’m being selfish. i won’t have the time to make you feel better about MY situation. that’s not my job. if you don’t like how shit’s being presented, that’s your problem, not mine. this might sound like all bravado right now, but this is how i’m normalizing it because this is my new normal. if you can stick around to support, thanks, i know i’ll need it. if you can’t for your own reasons i get it too. i don’t have time to sit & rank people in my life. if you’re asking me how you can help, if i know you well enough i will have an answer for you. trust me. 

TWO days after my second biopsy i get a call from the titty centre to book an appointment for the following week and if i want to know my results, they’ve been sent to my doctor and i should ask her. k...so i guess it means they’ve found something bad. i call my doctor to leave an voicemail. she’s not even working that day and she gives me a call. i’m at work...of course i come back bawling. it’s scary as fuck. especially when you don’t know anything except for the c word. 

[lilacsnrailroadtracks]

round 2

been there, done that had the same expectations. it took about 2.5 weeks to feel normal, maybe i was being too cautious, but i was scared to do push ups, pull ups...yes i’m still a jock, so what? 

i had a different doctor this time, which is great because i would’ve asked the first one how his vacay went. someone told me i had not broughtupsy for that, but i think it’s a very fair question. agreed? 

thankfully it was only an ultra biopsy and not a mammo because...no.

i probably shoulda iced this one. but i forgot to make ice cubes - again. it’s still kinda tender right now and it definitely bruised this time ‘round. i can do push ups though. :) 

k so now i gotta wait, again. this is my second biopsy in less than a month’s time and about a month since i found the lump, by fluke. i was brushing away a stray hair.

[lilacsnrailroadtracks]

love

love is having a pregnant friend take the subway up to the hospital to wait for you whilst you have your first biopsy. 

so to my understanding a biopsy is like...having a strawberry shortcake with bits of fake strawberry that can be very bad. so you either use a mammo or ultra to help the radiologist find the potential bits to stab at and take samples from with a fat needle. i had both procedures. yes they freeze you, yes i still almost passed out because the mammo was digging into my chest and not letting me breathe. 

normally it takes a week to find out your results. mine took two. the radiologist went on vacay -__- listen go for vacay, it’s cool...just let people know that things might take a lil bit longer. it’s not ok to play with people’s heads like that. especially when you tell them during the procedure that there’s something more worrying than calcification going on. 

so the results? when i heard it i was ready to punch someone. fast. i had to go for another biopsy. 

[lilacsnrailroadtracks]

man & machine

a mammogram, if you’ve never suffered through it is probably one of the most painful things i’ve ever dealt with. it doesn’t help that there isn’t much there either, but i almost passed out. maybe it was also because it was digging into my chest & on top of that they tell you not to breathe. i’m convinced it was invented by a man -  jacob gershon cohen - yup there you go, because we just shrug & say, well it works. if men had to put their nether regions through that torture there would likely be a 3D glove that would gently cup their manly bits as they’re scanned.