lil-teenidle-blog - Tumblr blog

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Sometimes someone says something really small and it just fits into this empty place in your heart.

“Pressure,” My So-Called Life (1994)

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Yeah, there is a rainbow inside me despite all my sorrow. 

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How can I say it without breaking?

I was ok. I swear it. I was ok until I cut myself. 

Suddenly I feel weird, I feel a little shame, I want to hide myself from everyone. I never felt it before. The pain was kept inside all along and I know it now. It hurts like hell. 

I’m cleaning the dishes looking around all time to prevent my daddy of seeing the monstruosity that I did to myself. I’m worried, I think I became addicted to it. I’m not cutting my pulse, just far enough to prevent me of dying for now. 

I don’t recommend it for anyone. Once you start it’s hard to stop and I’m seeing it now. 

I want help, I really do. I wanted to see a psychologist but my mom doesn’t have money for that and my daddy doesn’t want to see his precious little daughter going crazy in the hands of a lunatic. (that’s how he calls psychologists). 

I told my friend today. She made me promise I wouldn’t cut myself again. I’m sorry M, I failed. I cut my shoulder, just to feel less guilty. 

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How can I put it down into words?

I’ve used to suffer a little bullying when I was a little child. But for me it was no bullying at all. I know it doesn’t make any sense. 

Well, I felt I was beautiful trully, but I was a fat little girl and a bit weird too -I’ve always been- Everyone used to laugh at my back, but I thought I was awesome, until I realised they were telling the truth. I wasn’t pretty you know, not for them, not for my parents who told me I should lose weight and that’s what I’ve done. 

It was never enough, you know? I spend my entire year dedicating myself into practicing exercises to become ‘’pretty’’. Yes, I came back to my normal weight. But It wasn’t enough, I felt prettier, but they didn’t think so. They kept talking about me at my back, and laughing at my facebook pictures all the time in the classroom. I had some friends, and I was happy despite all the bad things they said. I just ignored all of them. 

I must say I wasn’t an angel too. I did bad things with little age, things I regret of, and I lost my friends because of it, and I suffered a lot at home, at school. The only thing I could do was to scream a lot.

I’ve found new friends, I was finally part of a group I belonged to. I was happy, but I was mean. I always made them fight, and then I walked alway crying in the school’s bathroom. Hypocrate, right? I used to feel so bad with myself, but I just couldn’t stop hurting me and the people around me. 

But I have grown and when I enter in High School I thought it would change. Some of my friends were gone (from school, I mean. They’re still my friends), and I was brand new. So I wanted to believe.

I payed for my mistakes, I can guarantee it for you! All of them. My first date marked me deeply, made me suffer a lot, but because of it, because of all this marks I am what I am today. And everything is forgiven.

What I can’t forget is my last year at school. It was the worst year of my life. My best friend left me alone to find herself, I used to be her shadow for everything, she was famous, I was nothing. I had my talents, but no one cared, because they had hers. And then they took her too. 

I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t study, I coudn’t do anything but to cry. I was a mess and all I did was to push her away from me. I fel like no one cared for me at all, my mother seemed so distant, I couldn’t talk to her or to anyone. I thought about killing myself a lot that year. I thought since it was the last year at school, everyone could be friends, but I was wrong. I’ve seen myself all alone. So yeah, I am happy that I’m not in school anymore. 

The worst year of my life is over, my best friend came back to me, she said she was sorry for everything. I have my friends who I know they love me, I have my parents who loves me too. I have people who care and I know it. But I kept a fear from high school with me. The fear of being alone once again, the fear of being apart from everyone. The fear of people laughing at my back all the time. And it’s hard to live with this, worrying about what they are saying or thinking about me. 

I know, you should not think about them, you should think about yourself. Yeah, I tell that to myself all the fucking time. 

I’m 17, and I think i’m pretty, sometimes. But when they say I’m not, I think I’m not despite everything I am. It hurts me deeply. And I know it’s dumb to think like that, you don’t need to say it. 

I’m going to a new University in August, and I am scared. God, I am so scared they won’t like me. I am so scared of screwing everything. 

Three days ago I did something I’m not proud of, and I never thought I would be able to do it until I did it. I’ve been cutting myself, looking for blood, I want to feel alive, it’s a necessity. I can’t control it. I’m ashamed of it, of hurting my own body for something so stupid, but when I look at sharp objects I just want to feel it in my skin. I don’t wanna die, yet. 

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That’s a picture I’ve taken a long time ago, can’t remember when. 

While I’m writing this post, I’m listening to my soundtrack ‘’Kingdom Fall’’. That’s exactly how I’m feeling inside right now. 

Well, the next post I shall tell you a bit of my story. 

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First Post

I must tell you, dear reader this tumblr is not a place full of happiness. There is a sorrow quite hidden somewhere around here. There is a bit of courage, loneliness, sadness and even a bit of sugar sometimes. 

I’ve decided to create this blog to express my deep feelings. I don’t hope you enjoy it, I also don’t. But if you do, please don’t be proud of it, because there’s nothing to be proud of in here. 

Otherwise, if you need to talk to somebody, if you’re also feeling alone, please come to my ask, I’ll be glad to answer.