lifesucksdiary

[lifesucksdiary]

I am so tired. I will never be angry. I did not get angry, but today was intense. Some people are so ungrateful.

[lifesucksdiary]

Oh I remember. I think that was when she told me Rolex shops don't have Rolex watches in China. I asked her is it because they are afraid that people steal so they don't put them in shops? She said 'No, they sold out dear!' while accidentally spitted a little that kind of hit my lips. Gross. But I tried acting cool like I did not notice. How kind am I? I think I have the virgin Mary's spirit. She also told me when I was looking at high end watches with her and asked which one do you think is nice? She said, all these are outsourced usually to other companies to make watches for them. Those outside companies make their watches and put the brand names. But Rolex, they make their own watches. To me, I don't know the high end market too well, plus why people want watches that are made in their brands own factory.

My take on this is that it is the human's natural desire to feel superior. Probably it is the story that draw people in, and the quality and other materials that are used in a watch, plus the artists and mechanic that has lots of romance in a watch. From the marketing strategy to drive the desire. Masterpiece of what people admire. To me to a person who can never spend more than $300 on grocery a month. Someone who drives Suzuki second hand brown kei car. Someone who just saved $1000 but ended up paying the national pension that I had not paid for the last two years leaving me with only $20 to my name. Enough said, I cannot afford such things, but I guess it is a game for the rich like I play sugar crush on my phone. Different scale of things, same type of feelings.

Even if I had a Rolex, if I had Tesla, Lambo, big house and all the cosmetics I see, outfits and shoes, and everything I have ever dreamt of, I don't think I'd be too happy for too long. Short lived happy hormone by purchasing one thing... Too pathetic?

I think I have a counter argument to myself. Now I am wearing a Swarovski watch that was about $500. I paid my brother's tuition for once, only like $4000. My mother bought me this, and another pair of beautiful earrings. I saw my mothers eyes being watery, I knew she did not have much either. But I wear the watch even when I am at home. Sometimes because it is so pretty and makes me happy. It is not a sad story, people. She gave me so much more than $4000 I paid for my brother.

Now I rest my case.

[lifesucksdiary]

I met this lady from Shenzen China, who was introduced to me by my mother as an ex journalist in China who studied history. And she always gives me the scent of a weathy person with power.

She sends my sister Swarovski watch and a neckless just because, and she posts a lot of LV bags on her social like many are dreaming about.

The first meeting, she was very cheerful and supportive, down to earth and very outspoken about her anger towards the Chinese government. It was refreshing to me to see a Chinese person openly discussing her opinion towards the government freely. She was very kind to me and she gave me her phone case because I complemented it.

The second time meeting, was when she came visit my mother after her husband suddenly passing away leaving her and her daughter hopeless and nervous. At first she was the one who looked so much thinner than before, and looked very sad as if she was going to cry at any moment. She was still down to earth though, she seemed to lack sleep and getting more anxious.

We went out for a dinner, she said don't suppress yourself. Wear bright colors and shining necklace, making yourself happy. I liked her.

We started having dinner together from time to time. Sometimes with other family members, other times just us. Every time we talked, I did not feel anything strange about her like she was going to ruin my life. I felt like I was talking to a good friend.

But she has this thing sometimes where she gets too anxious and demand me for suddenly 'do this' 'do that' moment. I did not like that. But well, nobody is perfect, and I know that that is who she is. Very direct and demanding, yet kind to others and curious and outgoing.

There was one moment I remember that wanted me to start writing about her here. She said something... I forgot. I will write later when I remember.

[lifesucksdiary]

What’s happening lately in my life

Guess what? Calob messaged me on Langmate. He apologized that he ghosted on me. He said the longer he waited, the harder it was for him to message back. And he went on and said it was childish. I said I don't remember haha

After I tried my best to move on from him, sometimes I doubted my own meaning to exist(just for a few minutes), my students were worried about me if I was okay, I even tried reading books or studying real estate law to get my mind off of my own grusome thoughts.

Back when he dissappeared from my life suddenly, I checked his messages every hour every day every week. I blew up his phone lol After I had no response, I realized that I had to block him everywhere, distract myself all kinds of ways possible. And I finally feel checked out from him. I started working at a new job, and it has been five months now. I feel tired but feel great to have my own income that at least support my basic needs. Sometimes not enough but I have side gig to last me until my next paycheck comes in. I can buy myself my own clothes, food, some items I find cute at flea market. I can drive myself around the town whenever I want. I found my new hobby which is writing letters to my friends outside Japan. I watch movies here and there. I refocused to myself and see what make myself happy and well.

Here are two aspects of myself I changed this year.

First thing I had to change was my debt situation.

I had credit card debt of about 1 million yen, my sister paid for my pension which she told me after she paid 200000yen. My brother borrowed me 150000 yen.. I was seriously in helpless situation. My brother took me in at his company to work as a waitress for three months, which helped me pay off to my sister. Now I paid off my one credit card that had 4000USD on it, and I cancelled it. What I am left with is about 2500USD debt on my other credit card which I cancelled as well yesterday.

I am more than grateful for my family who willingly helped me survive. I should have taken cared of myself already to have emergency fund and a job. I still do not have my own place because I still want to live abroad. I do not want any long term housing contract. I feel like a very dumb person but I feel much better than before for having reduced the amount of debt this year.

The second thing I had to change was my relationship with men of my interest.

Long story short, like Calob,and D, I revolved my life around them. I enjoyed so it was not forced at all. But the problem was that I did not have my own foundation because I was always changing my plans to match their time and location. That led me to not being able to progress my career, thus no raise or in depth experience in one industry. Now I put myself first before anybody. Sometimes it is tempting because it looks easier to imagine being a housewife who works part time outside and get to stay indoor with someone you love's money to have your basic needs covered. But in reality, I did not feel the total freedom to spend somoene's money. I always felt like I owed them and I felt useless and small. I felt obligated to do things for them and always my wants and needs last.

Now that I have my own job that lasted for five months, I am already making a progress at the company. I assist my manager's tasks whenever she is not in the office. Management was something I was always interested in, and call center job is what people say I am good at.

I did not know in the past four years after Covid lay off, I was doing something meaningful. But today writing these out made me figured that I did actually made a progress. It was definitely a trial and error but I totally am a better version than before.

My skin is better too! I fixed my acne problem! All over my body. Face, neck back butt, it took me about a year to fix them.

I have experience in online customer support position for total of about a year, on-site tech support for one year, clerical staff for a few months. I hope these experience help me be in a better position in the future.

[lifesucksdiary]

Recent updates about my life

I was so tired recently, for the job being more busy and a lot of changes happened in the past month. One of my very skilled manager left the company for his family, and somehow it is short staffed almost all the time. To fill the gap, I was told to help some parts, but it is a lot of responsibility to teach newbees and take care of myself as well.

I want to try to be at the assistant position, but I am still in a position to need someone to teach me things. I know my managers trust me that I am capable, but I am feeling like always on edge.

I wish I could focus on just this job, but because I am a freelance musician, and a teacher as well, I need to look after my own business to thrive so that one day if I ever need to relocate outside of Japan, I still have income. It's just the way I chose to live so I cannot give up on it. Plus, it gives me hope and purpose. I feel happy working on it, and seeing my craft being played on my computer, or seeing my students grow and pass exams.

As for my love life, I am taking some break from it all. It is a great change I made this year, because I don't waste money on things I know will not work. But I made friends from overseas through online language exchange app. I play chess with them, exchange letters with one of them, sometimes talk about our culture and teach each other languages.

I am not the most sociable person, so it exhausts me if I am always around people. I like plants, writing letters, playing chess occassionally. I love comedy and music.

I made another friend too. She is way older than me, but she has young soul. She teaches me things like

'when you are down, wear pretty clothes make yourself look nice and go out. you should make yourself happy.'

'you should ask for what you want. Be selfish, dear. Otherwise no one know what you want even if they want to do that for you.'

She says things very blatantly, and it is refreshing to me. Sometimes it is a bit overwhelming but I learned that I should not always stay in my own bubble, because there are happiness outside your own head that helps you stay inspired as an artist.

She plans to go back to her country soon, probably in a month or so. It is exhausting me to hear her preach about things but it is good for me. Today and yesterday I took some time for myself to just be alone and rest my mind. Writing and creating things help me express what I have been piling up inside me.

In an hour or so, I will have to start teaching but I hope I survive the two day office work that I have for this week. Only two more days, you got this girl.

[lifesucksdiary]

When I was younger, money was evil.

Someone who wants money means bad.

But then when you have not enough money to survive on, it’s hard to choose love over money.

Because you are on survival mode. So don’t judge someone too quickly when they seem to chase it, cherish it, see the big meaning over it. Because they are just trying to survive. If you can’t accept it you better leave bc that’s not good for them before you think about them being bad to you.

You are just ignorant. Lucky to have never felt lacking of any money to live on, or you forgot about it.

[lifesucksdiary]

Just keep working on yourself :)

[lifesucksdiary]

吐きたい　気持ち悪い　あの会社の全てが辛い

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[lifesucksdiary]

source

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https://www.instagram.com/sketches_in_stillness/

[lifesucksdiary]

Life sucks people sucks job sucks.

[lifesucksdiary]

It’ll be my 29th birthday next month, but I can’t get anything special for my birthday. A huge part of me is feeling so heartbroken to know that I’m not able to afford fancy makeup, clothes or teddy bear or anything. But sometimes I also think what’s the point in having all those material goods?

Is it because you feel better about yourself than others by having those pricy goods? Then am I just an easy victim of the high profit margin market of cosmetics?

I used to work at a high end brand shop where I got to know what’s the purchase price of those goods are, and how ugly most of those bags and jewelry are, and how conflicted I felt to recommend those overpriced leather goods or glass diamonds to the very nice people who obviously don’t need.

When I had the money to buy the expensive products, I kinda wanted to live without them. I felt good to not having to depend my self esteem on those high end goods, but to depend on my own natural beauty money can’t buy.

But when I’m so broke as fuck that I had to borrow money from my mom to buy period pads, I don’t have the actual money but I just want to spend three hundred dollars on useless watch just to feel good that moment if I had the power to do it. This mentality is so sick. A part of the reason that I’m so broke is because I was furloughed, and hanging around last year hoping to go back to my usual job. Jobs weren’t available to me either.

But I freelanced teaching online, wrote articles, did everything I could to bring money in. I could get on average 1500 dollar per month.

This year, I finally had a full time job for three months but didn’t pay me enough to leave 100dollars in the end of the month. I have 300 for student loan, 300 for my private pension plan, 170for national pension, 160 for my health care, 87 for my private health care insurance, 400 rent. I need at least 2000 dollars per month. I switched a job that could make me closer to 2000, 300more dollars per month. But I had 2 weeks gap, that healed my mental health but screwed me financially.

I have 2600dollars student loan debt, 1600dollar credit card debt. In total, I’m facing 4200 dollar debt.

Should I quit my school?

[lifesucksdiary]

Breakups in teens : ‘I’m gonna die if I can’t be with you. You are my everything.’

Breakups in thirties: ‘maybe I should seriously consider a dildo’

[lifesucksdiary]

I decided to be single for as long as I exist. I will date myself and spoil myself, pamper myself for myself, buy everything I want for myself, and take as long time as I need for anything I do for myself.