lifesperfectblemishes-blog - Tumblr blog

[lifesperfectblemishes-blog]

- a place to release what’s going on in my mind & life. -

[lifesperfectblemishes-blog]

I waited a long time to publish the second part of my story about my boyfriend and I. I’ve been dealing with a lot lately. So here it is now!

If you haven’t read the first part of this, here is the link; https://lifesperfectblemishes.tumblr.com/post/178818705141/you-dont-know-what-you-have-until-its-gone

I drove down my street with tears falling down my face. I didn’t even know where to go so I drove down the Main Street of my town that lead towards a pond and camp ground. I figured no one would be there and I could just sit in my car and cry or scream as much as I wanted to without being bothered. I pulled down into the back of the camp ground where the pond sat. I turned the corner and of course another car with people was sitting there. I parked for a couple minutes just to see if they would decide to leave, but they didn’t. I sighed and left. I calmed down a little so I decided maybe I should just go home and deal with all this stuff that’s going on.

I walk through the back door and I hear Elliot in the living room talking on the phone with someone (at the time I thought it was his mom but later I found out it wasn’t.) I take off my shoes and go straight to the bedroom and sat on the bed. Then I hear him on the phone with his friend Damon.

“Hey, can you come get me? I’ll be there until things cool off here if they ever do cool off.”

My heart sank. He’s leaving. I told him to go before I walked out the door, but I didn’t think he would actually leave. He hung up the phone and came into the bedroom with his backpack and started pulling his dresser drawers open and taking out clothes. I asked what’s going on and he told me he’s leaving like I told him to go. I said, “I know you’re leaving but I mean where are you going?” “Damon’s.”

We were talking and I was trying to get him to stay but he kept repeating “I think you just need your space to see what being on your own is like again.” Part of me agreed with him, but the other part of me didn’t want him to go.

After it sunk in that he was for sure leaving my hurt turned into anger. I started ignoring him and getting an attitude which in return just pissed him off and made him want to go more. I didn’t know what to do. Was this really what I wanted? No. I wanted him to stop talking to that girl. For him to reassure me that she means nothing. Maybe we did need time apart?

His friend got there to take him and I started hysterically crying and begging him not to go. He hugged me and I refused to let go. He ended up having to force me off him. He told me he loved me, kissed me, and told me to lock the door behind him. He closed the door, and I sank to the floor bawling my eyes out as I heard the car drive off.

[lifesperfectblemishes-blog]

You don’t know what you have until it’s gone.

I’m going to dig into my personal life here real quick. Something big happened in my relationship last week, and it wasn’t something to celebrate.

I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half. We have arguments and fights just like every relationship. Sometimes they can get pretty intense, but it never became like it was last Sunday.

The Friday before, I found out he was talking to a girl, which I knew about, but I didn’t know they talked a lot. He even asked me if it was okay and at the time I really didn’t care. “Sure go ahead, I don’t care. I trust you.” But I can become a pretty jealous person, and my mind worries a lot when it comes to other girls because of my ex. When I found out he had been talking to her on the phone, I. FREAKED. OUT. Not to him, just my brain automatically jumping to “he’s cheating on me.” Or “he’s going to leave me for her.” I was an absolute mess. The morning I find out he was on the phone with her, I get home from work at 6am and he’s asleep. I lay next to him and cry, thinking I’m losing him to this girl.

Now, my boyfriend, lets call him Elliot, has NEVER and I mean NEVER given me a reason not to trust him. When we got together he weaved out all the girls who could cause drama out of his life. Some girls messaged him but I was never too worried. So why was I acting like this one girl was going to steal my man away from me? I don’t know. I still don’t know.

I lay next to Elliot Saturday morning after getting home from work, and my mind is going crazy. Coming up with unrealistic scenarios, thinking about ‘what if’, questioning everything. I spent about 6 hours in pure agony until he wakes up. He rolls over and cuddles into me like he does every morning. My body goes stiff and I pretend like I’m sleeping. He get up and goes to the bathroom and I message him and this is what starts “the talk.”

“Are you going to start liking her?” No reply.

When he comes out of the bathroom he says, “really Emily, you think I’m going to leave you?” And that’s when I let lose it. I’m bawling my eyes out and begging him to tell me it’s not going to happen. He asks me why I’m so jealous and insecure.

I don’t know why. It’s not like he’s ever given me a reason to question him before this.

After about an hour maybe 2 hours of talking and him calming me down, we are okay, but my mind still isn’t. I suffer from anxiety. If you suffer from anxiety too then you know it make you think of irrational things that you know aren’t true, but your mind has a way of making you believe it is. All day Saturday whenever he was on his phone I thought he was talking to her. It was starting to drive me insane. I had to go back to work that night and I was scared.

I wasn’t myself the whole night and I felt nauseous whenever I thought about the situation. Which was all night. Wondering if they were talking, what they were talking about. I go on break and I see he’s active on Facebook again. I message him and he took a bit to reply. (I thought he was on the phone with her again.) I told him I wanted to come home and that I felt sick. He said he will call me if I wanted. All I wanted was to hear his voice. He had no idea this girl was still bothering me. We talked on the phone and I felt better. I got off work Sunday morning and went home.

And here it begins.

I couldn’t sleep. All I could do was think and worry. I caved in and talked to his mom about everything, and she made me feel 100000 times better. He wakes up and I’m in a good mood. He kisses me good morning, we cuddle, and love each other. Then I hear the notification for Snapchat go off and the thoughts and worry came back. “How many times did she have to snap you?” He said, “she just said hey in one and the other one was a meme.” “Oh, she has to snap you as soon as she wakes up?” “I don’t know if she just woke up.” “Do you guys talk all day?” “Not all day, but we talk.”

Here goes my mind again.

I leave it alone and just lay in bed dwelling on it. I just want him to lay next to me and love me but he didn’t want to. Again my mind goes crazy thinking why doesn’t he want to be next to me. Finally I get up and take the trash over to my parents like I do every Sunday. Elliot asks me to see if my parents have any corn tortillas so he can make us breakfast. I said I’ll ask.

I get to my parents. My moms at work, my dads laying on the couch watching tv like every Sunday. I sit down and cuddle up next to Rosie, and I try to hold in my tears, but they fall anyway. I’m a big daddy’s girl so he automatically asked me what’s wrong and I kept saying nothing. I didn’t want my dad to think badly of Elliot. I ask him about the corn tortillas and he said to check the kitchen table. There was a bunch of stuff that fell when I was looking and I got frustrated and I said “I can’t find them.” My dad comes in and he sees me hysterically crying. He asks again, “what’s wrong?” I looked at him and paused then said, “I think Elliot is going to break up with me.” “Why’s that?” My dad knows how my brain works. I told him he’s talking to a girl and he says they’re just friends but I didn’t know. My dad said, “well maybe they are just friends.” He gave me some little advise, but on my way home I decided I’m telling Elliot either he stops talking to the girl or I am breaking up with him.

I got home and did just that. I’m hysterically crying and telling him I’m leaving him. That’s not even what I wanted. I just didn’t want to feel like I was anymore.

Now looking back I probably looked really delusional. He’s talking to a girl who we both know isn’t his type what so ever and I’m accusing him of MAYBE one day in the future HE MIGHT LIKE HER. Talk about insecure much?

We end up getting into this HUGE blow out of a fight. I’m in the car backing out of the drive way with Elliot screaming out the window telling me not to leave. Calling me telling me if I back out of that drive way we are done. (I have a habit of always trying to leave when the situation gets heated.) I can’t remember anything he said because I was so overwhelmed. But he hung up the phone, closed the window. I threw my phone into the passenger side seat. I took my foot off the break and I backed out of the drive way.

**I was going to put the whole story in this one post, but it’s way too long for that. I’ll just leave a cliff hanger type thing right here for ya all to wonder for awhile lol.**