lifesheroes-blog

[lifesheroes-blog]

I Haven’t Been Able to Sleep

In 2014 I had the privilege of being part of the 2014-2015 Lay Counseling Cohort at the Allender Center located in Seattle Washington. The goal of the course is how to  help survivors of trauma and abuse as a lay church leader. I’ve recently begun going back through my notes and the transcripts, trying to digest what I learned, and more importantly, experienced over those few months. I came to an exchange between a fellow participant and Dr. Dan Allender concerning joy and why it is so painful and upsetting. This was about 5 days ago… I can’t stop mulling it over. It has been consuming my thoughts. It has kept me up at night. I feel the need to write about it in an effort to exercise this. Maybe I’ll get to sleep at a reasonable time tonight

On the first day of our 2014-2015 Cohort, on September 25th, 2014, Dr. Allender had an exchange with a fellow participant. I don’t know if I missed this because I was so in shock from the experience of being there in that place or just hadn’t experience enough of life to be able to understand and receive the significance of what I was hearing. If that statement seems dramatic or a little over then top, ask anyone who has had the privilege of learning from Dr. Dan Allender and hearing him speak in person. It will throw you off your axis.

Dr. ALLENDER: 

“You think you want mastery with pain? Even more so you want mastery with joy, because joy is even more unnerving that sorrow.”

PARTICIPANT: 

“What is it about joy that makes it so unnerving?”

DR. ALLENDER: 

“The best I can come to for my own heart is this. It awakens in me what it is I am most meant for and therefore also makes clearer how seldom that is part of my world and how much my world is meant to be part of it…

“…Joy is so uncommon that when it captures us, allures us, it calls us to become more. Joy isn’t just the anticipation of heaven; it is me becoming a man that lives for and about joy for myself and others. In other words, it becomes a moral category (not moral vs. immortal) about how I want to live in the world. I want joy in every person I meet. I want joy with every encounter I have. I have a good shot at beginning to create that if I become present and open my heart to sorrow and yet choose to create goodness on behalf of other.

I think most people live freaking mundane lives. I don’t mean that you have to have once in a lifetime experiences in order to experience joy, like being in a float plane and fishing wild rivers. The joy that came wasn’t because of being in a float plane. It might have been mediated by it, but far more I can have that kind of joy fishing with my granddaughter or my son or my dear friends…”

I thought I would have some insight or something profound to add, but I sit here with a sense of lost and shame… How many other remarkable things have I witnessed/heard in my life of this caliber, only to be too wrapped up in things that don’t matter or numb to my surroundings? How many times have I let my fear of joy stopped me from truly experiencing the moment. Sorrow is easy for me. It seems I have no problem with getting hit by pain, I will even seek it out at times as if I deserve it. Joy seems to show me the terrifying truth that this world, and myself are not as intended, not as designed. It shows me joy was supposed to be the default not sorrow and suffering. I’m good at pain because I’m so experienced with it as it’s everywhere and easy to come by. Joy on the other hand takes intentionality to experience and I’m exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically before I even get out of bed.

I think that is why Dr. Allender then points us to the Apostle Paul’s words in 2 Timothy 4:7 (NLT):

“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful.”

Paul’s words earlier in 2 Timothy 2:3-7 (NLT) come to mind:

“Endure suffering along with me, as a good soldier of Christ Jesus. Soldiers don’t get tied up in the affairs of civilian life, for then they cannot please the officer who enlisted them. And athletes cannot win the prize unless they follow the rules. And hardworking farmers should be the first to enjoy the fruit of their labor. Think about what I am saying. The Lord will help you understand all these things.”

Then Paul again in Philippians 4:8 (NLT):

“And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thought on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.”

There is a lot of action in these verses. We have to fight for it, run after it, and remain faithful. Joy isn’t something I will stumble on, or get if I just... fill in the blank. It seems to be something I become, and provide to others. I do this by being present to both pain and sorrow. I do this by being present and seeking goodness. I do this by working hard and not giving up. 

Philippians 4:13 (NLT):

“For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.”

If you would like more information on Dr. Dan Allender and the Allender Center please visit https://theallendercenter.org/

Thanks for reading!

[lifesheroes-blog]

My Purpose

I've recently received the feedback I should continue to write. But my writing is dark. If I'm honest with myself and you, I’m not entirely sure what that means or what to do about it. So, I'm going to continue to write the way I do, maybe I'll get better at it, maybe it will get lighter. Not sure, we'll see. But today I've decided to write about being reckless. I'm not yet sure what I mean so let me give some context. Something I think about often is this: "How do I want people to say I've impacted their lives at my funeral/memorial?" That whole dark thing is beginning to make sense... But I need to say, dark doesn't mean negative. Dark doesn't mean evil. Dark doesn't mean bad. We like dark things a lot. Well... not always. I mean it to be rich, thick, and full of substance, in a dark chocolate kind of way. Full bodied, full of flavor. Complete. Wholly

I want to show people being recklessly generous is a real joy and something worth being. I want to show people, showing others reckless hospitality is so rewarding. I want to show people being reckless in your love toward people will be hard but worth it. My life's purpose is to spoil people. Spending money, time, and effort on them. 

So far in my life I’ve learned; what I give away comes back ten-fold. It has been a hard-learned lesson, full of heartache for myself and others. I truly don’t wish it on my worst enemy. There are many things in life worth going-to-the-mat for. And real love is found in the little battles, not the big gestures. So, let me drill down on what I mean as it seems to me I might have made two contradicting statements.

My idea of being reckless in generosity, hospitality, and love. What comes to my mind is big, grandiose signs and a show. But what I mean is the idea of leaving nothing left. Sometimes it’s a huge thing. Yet other times, we may find ourselves having to dig deep just to hold the door open for someone. It really comes down to trusting we have and are enough for each moment. The story that comes to mind is found in Mark 12:41-44. Below is the NLT version.

“Jesus sat down near the collection box in the Temple and watched as the crowds dropped in their money. Many rich people put in large amounts. Then a poor widow came and dropped in two small coins.

Jesus called his disciples to him and said, “I tell you the truth, this poor widow has given more than all the others who are making contributions. For they gave a tiny part of their surplus, but she, poor as she is, has given everything she had to live on.”

She showed up and gave everything. She had nothing left. She trusted God to provide what she needed next. That’s what I mean by reckless. leaving nothing left and having hope and faith God provides.

Side note... I’ve also found sometimes being reckless is letting someone else give when you are the one with more to give. Sometimes giving someone the opportunity to experience the joy of being the giver is reckless.

Be reckless, leave nothing left, spend all your time, energy, and recourses loving each other, growing each other’s faith, and giving hope to all you encounter. Spoil them recklessly!

[lifesheroes-blog]

It’s Been Awhile...

It’s been said, “If it isn’t written, it isn’t real.”

My last post left you with little to no hope. Little to no joy. Just… A dark limbo. Over the last 3+ years, my life has completely changed in ways I never would have expected and/or imagined and on this New Years Eve Day, the last day of 2018, it’s very evident to me, I am in a new chapter of life. 

I’ve learned I’m an addict and have been diagnosed with OCD, Anxiety Disorder, and Depression. 

I’ve experienced my fate worse than death… Divorce. 

I took a new job and quit said job with no place to go… I’m currently not sure where my next paycheck is coming from, and am not sure when (if ever) I’ve experienced such peace, joy, hope, and love. 

I’ve started going to church again, not to mention, becoming a member of said church. 

I’ve rediscovered my calling of Youth Ministry, and am pursuing the calling with literal abandon. 

Consequences be damned! I truly understand the phrase, “Life’s an adventure.” So to say there’s a lot to catch up on is an understatement… But I’m not sure where to start… 

I could start at the beginning? But it just doesn’t feel right. I’m certain I wouldn’t do the story justice. And as I sit here with a glass of wine and a desire to write, I find myself completely stuck. It’s as if there is too much to tell. Imagine you are pouring some viscous liquid into a container. You know how the air in the container with stop the liquid from entering the container unless you provide a way for the air to escape? Is there anything in the container? most would say, “No”. So what is stopping the flow? Long, and possibly unrelatable example… But it’s the best I can do right now. It’s thoroughly vexing state to be in. And that’s just where I am. Desire without ability…

With all of my new found time, I’m hoping to sort through all of what has happened and do my best to tell the story. This is the first of, I hope many more posts to come. I will be back in a few days. 

Happy New Year!

[lifesheroes-blog]

Grace (Early 2016)

I wrote the title before I knew what I was going to write...

I know it’s been a while since my last entry. I know I need to post consistently to get a following. I know a following is not something I’m after. If a following is something that develops, I’m not sure how I’ll feel. As you may remember from my first post, I’m not doing this for you, I’m doing it for me. Pretty harsh, but true.

I have found out recently, I like to write. 

A little more than a years ago I took the first steps down a path, that now seem like I really had no choice. Every part of who I am, wanted significance. I yearned for it. Currently, I work in the black hole of careers that is the construction industry. I do like elements of it, but for the most part, I see the days slip by. It’s being more and more brutal to live in the present due to the constant sense of urgency. You constantly think of tomorrow, and by the time you do get to the weekend you’re hit with guilt and/or anxiety about if you did your best and what fallout next week will have in store. Which makes Sunday evenings borderline dreadful.

The best way to explain it is; image you’re the only person home. You hear a noise in another room. It’s obvious things aren’t as they should be, so you get up to investigate. As you proceed down the hall, your stomach is telling you something’s about to go terribly awry. You get to the room in question, the door‘s closed and it’s apparent your stomach is wiser then you are. You put your hand on the knob and turn. But wait! It’s time for bed. 

That to me is Sunday night. You’ll find out what trouble you’re gonna face in the morning... Just wait.

Back to my point.

I hate the idea you live for the weekend. You work five days a week so you have the money to enjoy two. Who came up with this system? I’m not advocating a shorter work week, however I’m saying we should figure out a way to enjoy the whole week. My search for significance caused me to ask a seemingly easy question. What do want to do for a living? I’m a youngish white American male, living in a economically robust part of the country. Arguably I’m part of the most privileged class on the planet, possibly in history (I’m neither proud nor ashamed of this fact). So why was it so hard for me to answer the question? 

I believe the challenge lies in the expectations one puts on the self. This isn’t a new or complex concept, but a difficult one. It really comes down to “what do you want? And what are you willing to do and/or give up to get what you want?” Once again, simple enough questions. But I bet, like myself, when you go to answer them you are either not being honest with yourself and/or you are not thinking about the core issues. It’s wasn’t until about a year ago I spend time with these questions myself. What surprised me the most has been the amount of shame I have experienced exploring these good questions. Shame for not exploring them sooner; shame for how little I deem the answers important; shame for how easy it all seems and how little effort I have put into them.

I believe this is where grace comes in. We often think of grace as something given to or received from outside of ones self. But how often do we need to extend it to ourselves? I’m a very cerebral person, I spend a lot of time in thought. Thought which usually ends with me beating myself up over something. Big, small, doesn’t matter. More knowledge with make it better... 

Back to the title... Grace... It’s unmerited favor.

Here is were we get religious...

The Bible says God has poured out his infinite grace through the life, death, and resurrection of his son, Jesus. The Bible also says our true meaning and ultimate significance is found in him, and him alone. If this is true, then all other pursuits are counterfeit. One of the amazing things Jesus did was make things so easy for us, we have been in disbelief for over 2,000 year. We have be trying to over complicate what he said, playing a what-if game with God. 

God gave the Israelites ten commandments. They then spent the next few centuries asking what about this and what about that. So God graciously and patiently answered their questions with 613 laws... Eventually, as promised, Jesus came along and hit a reset button. All the commandments and all the law  he summed up in this exchange with a religious leader:

35 One of them, an expert in religious law, tried to trap him with this question: 36 “Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?”

37 Jesus replied, “You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.”[e]38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[f]40 The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.”

-Matthew 22:35-40 (NLT)

Then, before he heads up stairs (Heaven) he gives us one more thing to do.

18 Jesus came and told his disciples, “I have been given all authority in heaven and on earth. 19 Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations,[b] baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. 20 Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”

-Matthew 28:18-20 (NLT)

Not much need to comment further...

[lifesheroes-blog]

Good Friday?

On November 22nd, 2015. One of my former YoungLife students was hit by a car on her way home from college. She was trying to get home for Thanksgiving when a pick-up truck crossed into her lane on route 26. With only a few month until her 21st birthday, she was declared dead on the scene.

It wasn’t an enjoyable way to begin the holiday season and two more would be added to the “body count” before Christmas. As of today, the death toll is up to 10. These are people I either knew or were related to, and to be honest, one of them was a dog. All of these souls impacted my life in some way significantly, and of course some more than others. Trust me, if feels a little weird to include a friends dog on the same list as a woman I lived with for most of my life. But death is death and this really isn’t a list, it is a collection. A collection of dates and memories.

With the death of my Granma Michelle, I was selfishly worried her passing would ruin Christmas for me, I am thankful beyond belief to say it did not. As a matter of fact, for me, last Christmas was the best on record. It wasn’t because presents, family, or decorations. It wasn’t because of food, music, or drinks. No. It was because a cantankerous, smart-assed, kind-hearted, gentle, incredibly loving woman, loved me and more importantly love Jesus. And I got to celebrate the birth of the Man, she and I both love dearly. This man, she and I believe, has made it possible for us to be with him and each other for eternity. Her life, and now her death has made my life so much more rich than I could possibly image. I grieve and celebrate.

She was number 3 and it was hard. There was goodness, but it was hard. Now I am looking at 10. And on this Good Friday I find it easy to put myself in the mindset of another death. The death of Jesus is something so many of us don’t truly mourn. We jump to Sunday, or better yet we see Good Friday in light of Easter Sunday. But this year I can’t seem to see Easter Sunday from this Good Friday. I feel… Lost, tired, anxious, angry, scared, numb and adrift. I feel like things are falling apart and I don’t see how I can get on. 10 deaths in 4 months will do that to a guy. I am losing hope, and I image this is in some way how the disciples felt after their world ended. My world hasn’t ended, and neither did theirs, but I can see how they might have thought it did.

I keep telling myself “Sunday is coming”. And I would love to be able to wrap this up with some up lifting point, but the truth is I got nothing for you. And maybe that’s ok. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe today is a good day to mourn. Mourn for life lost, the finality of death. Mourn hopelessness, pain, sorrow. Sunday is coming. My hope is I will have something up lifting for you then, but today I mourn.

[lifesheroes-blog]

Carpe Diem

Carpe Diem. Seize the Day. YOLO. They all have come to mean “You got one shot at this life, tomorrow may never come, do what ever makes you happy today.” 

Like may things, when taken out of context you end up with a counterfeit of the original meaning. Like all counterfeits, you get something so close to the original you think it has value, but upon closer inspection, you find what you have is truly worthless. The same goes for Carpe Diem. The full quote is: “Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero.” which can be translated in to “Seize the day, put very little trust in tomorrow (the future).” 

“Not so fast!” you say, “that’s the same thing.” 

No, no it is not. The point is the future is unforeseen and you shouldn’t leave it to chance, but rather, you should do everything in your power today to make your tomorrow better. When Horace wrote those words he wasn’t telling you to ignore the future. No, not at all. Don’t ignore the future, just don’t think everything is going to fall in place. You life sucks today? Ok, what are you going to do about it today? Sure, tomorrow may never come, but that doesn’t mean today doesn’t count either. 

“Memento mori”

Being reckless can be exhilarating, but much like credit card debt you’ll have very little to show for it. In pursuit of the richness of life we have to remember not to ignore or dwell in the past, tune out or live solely in the present, or worry about or day dream about the future. True abundant life can only begin when we live in the present because of what the past has made us for the future. You don’t get to pick one or two, you have to take all three. “Memento mori” translates to “remember you are mortal”. Horace’s two phrases are not opposite approaches, they are two sides to the same coin. 

When read as intended this becomes a much richer phrase. 

[lifesheroes-blog]

Beauty All Around

You can find beauty all around if you have the strength to look. 

[lifesheroes-blog]

This is What Redemption Looks Like

Both of these men have a very special place in my heart but may not know it. One, because I've never told him, and the other because I can’t, I don’t speak his language and he doesn't speak mine. Now, as I write this, I can recognize there are many other ways to show someone they’re special to you. This post, is my effort to do so. 

There's a story here... But I don’t believe it would be honoring to share it. But know whatever you think you've done, and where ever you've been, you‘re never too far gone to be loved and redeemed. I’m not saying the road to redemption isn't sometimes long, and grueling. No. In fact, anyone telling you otherwise doesn't know what they're talking about. There's hope for you, there's rest for you, there's life for you. 

You are worth dying for, you are worth living for. 

Anything and anyone that says otherwise is wrong. 

Supernatural things happen everyday. This picture is a picture of the supernatural.

[lifesheroes-blog]

Tough Times Call For...

These two are heroes. Anyone that looks at their life and the people they have touch would be wrong to disagree. 

On Monday a local family was called home in a freak accident. Josh and Vanessa Ellis and their 8 month old son Hudson (a.k.a. "Kid Huddy") were driving along when a large sidewalk project fell on their truck. A half second earlier or later and they would be alive today. I didn't know them, but many of my friends knew them well. There is not much you can say for comfort right now, not a single thing to be done that will bring back the youth pastors of EastPointe Foursquare Church. But the bigger question is why do we rush to comfort? That question seems so callused, but when you think about it really a rush to comfort is the exact opposite. When was the last time you told some one that it was going to be okay and it really help the situation? Most likely it made the situation worse. Why can’t we just grieve together, instead of trying to make it go away? Are these three not worth grieving?

But today’s hero is a man I do know, Pepe. 

In the wake of this tragedy Pepe opened his home up to the youth of the area, giving them a place to grieve and process the lost of this great couple. Pepe needed to grieve the lost of his friends and invited the youth to join him. The youth needed someone to look to and Pepe stepped up to the plate. Oh, he steps up to the plate a lot, and in big ways.

Many times that is all that is required to make a difference. See a need and fill it. You don’t need to do anything other than be you. Pepe saw a need for music and provided it through Red Door Presents. And now, given the choice to hide and grieve by himself (which is 100% great) or extend the invitation to the community. Pepe’s choice led the youth to band together in worship and committing their lives to living for their creator and savior. Truly an outcome that Josh and Vanessa would have given their lives for. Pepe is my Life’s Hero today because of his heart, never being someone else, and never apologizing for it.

Do you know a Hero? Tell me about them.

[lifesheroes-blog]

Ebenezer

After we all departed from the Seattle School, I had about two and a half hours to kill before I needed to pick up my wife. I thought, “What better way to say ‘Welcome home, I missed you!’", than a big box of macaroons, one of every flavor. I knew she would love it and I also wanted to get myself something aswell, a sort of Ebenezer. I was thinking a new leather cord for my necklace or maybe another cross. I began my trek through the market when a bunch of beautiful longboards caught my eye. It wasn't their beauty that caught my eye; it was more interest. When I was younger (and much thinner) I road longboard to get around everywhere. Even broke my pelvis doing it... Anyway...

When I finally was able to get through the crowd to the stall, I was dumb struck. Below the longboards was the most beautiful chunk of wood I have ever seen. I was captivated. It was a hardwood end-grain cutting board. I couldn't move. It was a hardwood end-grain cutting board. (Yes, you said that already). I repeated myself because at the end of the day it is just a cutting board, a block of wood. But this thing was a work of art. After the longboards were cut to the desired shape, there would be the over-cuts. Because the hardwoods used are very expensive, and Bill Erickson’s intent to have zero waste, these little strips of wood are priceless to him. As he puts it:

“I take pride in meticulously crafting each one to be artistically distinct in pattern by using varying sizes in row widths, alternating grain directions, and incorporating anywhere from 15-20 different types of wood species to give each piece an original one of a kind design. Each cutting board takes approximately two months to create from start to finish ~ lots of cutting, planing, sanding, gluing, clamping, and more sanding for a perfectly smooth surface!”

So there I was, stuck. 

This thing as beautiful, super expensive, and really not something I needed. But there I was I couldn't move. I was captivated, truly. This particular board was the results of the end cuts from other cutting boards. So twice before, these little pieces of wood stepped up to be used and turned in to a work of art and didn't make the cut.

They weren't right to be a longboard. They weren't right for the strip cutting boards. But they were right for this:

These little pieces of wood have finally made the cut. Some are light and some are dark. All are unique and together make something beautiful. Much like our stories. Most of these little pieces would have been thrown away, but someone had the vision to make something beautiful out of them. I could write for hours about the symbolism of this chunk of wood... But I will save that for myself, as it will probably be incredibly boring for you.

So I stood there looking at this thing for about an hour. Trying to figure out what to do. I finally picked it up, flipped it over, and realized my wife was going to divorce me. Definitely divorce me, possibly kill me. So I put it back down. But still couldn't pull myself a way. Beauty would come at great cost, right? Finally making the decision to buy, not caring about my impending doom I handed over the plastic. It was such an honor to meet the craftsmen that made this awesome thing and learn how and why it was made and hear his story. 

I had my Ebenezer, now more than ever I needed those macaroons.

[lifesheroes-blog]

The Love of God

The love of God is greater far Than tongue or pen can ever tell; It goes beyond the highest star, And reaches to the lowest hell; The guilty pair, bowed down with care, God gave His Son to win; His erring child He reconciled, And pardoned from his sin.

Oh, love of God, how rich and pure! How measureless and strong! It shall forevermore endure— The saints’ and angels’ song we sing. Holy, Holy

When ancient time shall pass away, And earthly thrones and kingdoms fall, When men here refuse to pray, And rocks and hills and mountains call, God’s love, so sure, shall still endure, All measureless and strong; Redeeming grace to Adam’s race— Shall be the saints’ and angels’ song.

Could we with ink the ocean fill, And were the skies of parchment made, Were every stalk on earth a quill, And every man a scribe by trade; To write the love of God above Would drain the ocean dry; Nor could the scroll contain the whole, Though stretched from sky to sky.

[lifesheroes-blog]

Cacophony

Here I am with the desire to write. about what, I am not sure.

I find it fitting that I am starting this blog on Good Friday. Good Friday is a is the day we in the Christian faith remember Christ’s death. And on this Good Friday I am trying to rest at the Cross, the death of Christ. I believe that like many I have this urge to jump to the Resurrection. We have a tendency to be happy and joyful that Christ was brutally killed in a way that was designed to be a long and painful death, in light of the Resurrection, because we know how the story ends. But, I am reminded of these words from Dan Allender:

"Optimism does not take into account the utter brokenness of life. Let me push you a little further. The death of Jesus never allows you to be an optimist. But hear, the next sentence that has to be said without a break. The resurrection makes any form of pessimism a form of treason."

Today is a Good day, but the goodness isn't devoid of sorrow.

 Today is a great day to rest and wrestle with being able to hold Sorrow, great pain, lost, anticipation, joy, thankfulness, guilt, shame... Spend some time today thinking, meditating, chewing on, the fact that he willingly died a most brutally death... for you. The death makes the resurrection so much better, and the resurrection makes the death so much more powerful. 

So I find it very fitting to start my writing today. My Hero today (and really everyday) is a Jewish carpenter from a small backwater town. Live a life for me, and died for me, and came back to life, for me. For you. Jesus. As you read these posts, my prayer is that you will be confronted with the sorrow and brokenness of life, and the joy and the beauty of life. 

This is the richness of life.