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[lifesaverstory]

Twenty-seven Years

I’m not interested in rushing you, or hurting you, or using you to get off. I want to see what you enjoy, what you want, what puts you over the top.

I know that now. I know you wouldn’t dream of doing that. When we do get to that stage, you’ll have to go slowly and gently with me because I know in the beginning it’s going to hurt. It’s tight.

You being comfortable and not worried is what’s important to me.

But just to be clear, I do want it. I only want it with you.

I’d still feel the same about you if you didn’t want it. That isn’t important. You are.

You don’t realize how sweet that is. As long as we have great communication, we’ll have everything. And with that being said ___, I feel like I’m falling. I want you so much.

I want you as well, ___. It will be so amazing to catch up again.

I have a million thoughts and ideas that I can’t pin down to one paragraph. I’m so glad for the future.

I am too.

Pleasepleaseplease be careful. You have such a dangerous job. I don’t want to lose you now when we haven’t even begun. Every step downward, every turn you make, please be careful and take excellent care of yourself. I want ‘us’ to begin.

I’m always careful, never reckless.

I know. I know you are. Just keep doing what you can to be careful. It’s a scary job and you take calculated risks to help save others and I know you put others ahead of yourself every working day. And I think that’s amazing and I feel lucky and I feel safe with you because you’re a real life hero—you save lives for a living!—and I only wish the very best for you, always and forever and even if I were taken out of the equation. You’re principled and have tremendous integrity and I trust you. I know this all now. You mean a great deal to me, ___. Please remember that.

Tonight we began writing steamy texts back and forth to each other but by the very end, we started writing honestly about life and not just about sex. The part I posted are the things I am talking about. I had come to a revelation.

We haven’t used the “I-love-you” words yet and we haven’t even given each other terms of endearment in our texts. But I know in my heart and my mind that I’m falling in love with him.

We met more than 27 years ago. A friend at my school at university gave me a sheet full of email addresses with no names on it. I was curious to see if any of these addresses lead to actual people and whether they would write me back to me. It turned out one of them did. And his name was ___. He wrote me back and I was so excited. We wrote long emails and eventually we decided to meet. He stayed with me at my place at university two separate times. We fooled around but I wasn’t ready to commit myself so we never actually had coitus. The third time he came to see me, (he lived far away), I was scared and fled. He found me though and I kind of wrecked it. We hadn’t had a D&M regarding sex or how we even felt about each other. I thought, when he came the last time, “I don’t want to have sex with someone I just met and whom I don’t really know.” He was more hurt than anything. It wasn’t even a fight. He just left.

Fast forward 27 and a half years. I’m not married. Neither is he. We have been friends on Facebook and we have communicated a little over the years but only about a month or so ago did we start to really talk to each other. Like actual friends. Sometimes we chit chatted about life and other times he wrote things to me that sent butterflies dancing inside me. It was the most incredible feeling. He has remembered so many things about our time together so many years ago that even I don’t remember. But he can write one hell of a steamy passage and I felt so moved by the fact that he actually liked me. He has said many times that he often reminisces about us back then. And every time my mind would refuse to accept it, or to believe it. Until now.

We have talked about getting together again one day in the near future. I don’t know when and I don’t know where. And up until today, I was actually a little nervous about seeing him again. More than anything, I was afraid I wouldn’t know what to say to him. What I say to him in the form of text is no where near the way I would talk to him in person.

But at the very end of our chat tonight, it occurred to me that ___ is a hero. And he only has my best interest at heart. And even though he’s said certain things that have led me to believe he cares a lot about me, I think he loves me. I think I might love him too.

He’s one of the captains in a fire department. He’s a thoughtful person. He cares about his friends. And he saves the lives of other people on a daily basis. And that makes him a hero. Literally a hero. And when I thought about this tonight, I realized I’m getting a second chance at making it work this time between ___ and I. And all of a sudden, I realized there’s nothing to be scared about seeing him again. He’s my life-saver! He really is! And of all the people he could choose to be with, it’s me he wants! When we finally meet, my mind will remember “here comes my hero. My fire fighter. My life saver. My love.” And I have the sneaky suspicion we’ll have no difficulty talking to one another. And to me that’s the most important part of all. Because he could become my best friend one day. It’s only taken 27 and a half years for me to realize this. He’s just a man who, for whatever reason, likes me and cares about me. And he just so happens to be a hero. And since he is, he know he’ll take measures to do whatever it takes to keep me safe and happy. And at some level, we both care about each other very much. I’m so lucky to have him. It’s surreal.

Am I nervous? No. I’m goddamn excited.