lifeofcmil

[lifeofcmil]

Fire & Gold

I kind of feel like Beck from You right now.... just kidding.

This last week was extremely difficult for me, but yesterday I finally felt like I took one step forward, and today was good. 

My dear friend from home, Elizabeth and I just started reading the book “Come Matter Here” by Hannah Brencher, and honestly that’s the reason for my blog post tonight. But before I move forward, I just want to say: 

Everyone needs an Elizabeth in their life. Around this same time last year, Elizabeth reached out to me over Facebook Messenger. I had been struggling, and she had seen and read one of my blog posts. We hadn’t talked in likely 10 years since we graduated high school, and although we are cross-country apart, she has been my friend, supporter and relentless sister in Christ over this last year.

Today we read Chapter 2: Build Out of Love Instead.

“I think every one of our stories has some sort of Elvis standing in the middle of it, keeping us from telling the real story, the thing happening just below the surface.” 

For Hannah, her word was “fear” and as I continued to read, I couldn’t help but think what my word would be. Fear was close, but not quite it. I didn’t have a fear of moving across country or taking a chance on a new job. I don’t have a fear of letting anyone in. I can relate to the word “anxiety”, or maybe even the word “trust.” I tend to think the very worst - like a lot.

As she goes on talking about her fear and moving, her friend tells her, “As I was praying for you. I kept thinking, God is going to do a lot of things when you get to Georgia. He is going to strip you and gut you. This will be your refining fire.” If my friend told me this, I would be like... excuse me?

And this is where I keep attempting to type and then backspace over and over again because I can’t do justice to the beauty of what she goes on to say.

“We don’t welcome suffering in our culture. We don’t even really talk about it. We want to skip over the parts of the Bible where suffering actually turns us into better versions of ourselves. It reminds me of Tim Keller’s wise insight in which he said, ‘If you believe in Jesus and rest in him, then suffering will relate to your character like fire relates to gold.’ He’s saying the stuff we’d rather not walk through will be the things that define us, make us, transform us, and turn us into gold. That’s what happens in the refining fire --- gold may come out of it, but gold cannot exist without the flames.”

Pause. Read that last part again. FACTS.

I didn’t expect to be in this current season of my life. In fact, I’ve been extremely caught off guard and hurt by it. Despite all of that, when I truly put my emotions aside and think clearly, I am for certain that this season of my life is intended to do exactly what Hannah said: to define me, make me, transform me and turn me into gold. My previous season in life was good. Man, it was so good. It may have had its ups and downs, as life always has, but it was truly everything my heart had ever wanted. But now I know - God is propelling me toward something greater, and the only way I can let go over my anxieties and mistrust is to build it out of love instead.

And while I’m on the topic of love - I have had more than just Elizabeth in my life over this past week; these people know who they are. What is the most special about these people, though, is they have loved me with such grace, gentleness, kindness and most importantly understanding of my heart. They know where my heart is, and will always be (unless I’m wrong and we can all laugh about it in time) and they’ve supported me in every single way. There is nothing more a girl could ask for, and for that I am so very thankful.

This season isn’t going to be easy in the slightest, but when the days like today are good, I want to be sure I acknowledge them.

[lifeofcmil]

26 days of joy.

The night before the LA Marathon, I had dinner with two of my friends who suggested for the 26 days after my race, I do one thing - big or small - every day that brings joy or adds value to my life.  As I’ve posted before, I’ve become brutally aware of how little I actually care for myself and it’s a struggle. When it’s my turn to enter the gates of heaven, I want to have lived a life of selflessness; to have loved authentically with my whole heart. But I’m learning: I must learn to love myself, too.

It was a challenge some mornings to figure out what it would be to bring me joy that day (especially because I made it a point to try not to repeat anything), but I found that most days, it was really simple.

DAY 1: Brett Young Concert

Brett Young is one of my favorite country artists right now.  I had his three show dates on my calendar for awhile, I just didn’t know if I could afford it and who I would go with. The week before, we received an employee discount for his final show in LA, and a group of about 15 of us from work purchased tickets and all went together. He did not disappoint!

DAY 2: Massage

After my first marathon, I stayed in Chicago with my roommate to show her around the city. Because we were out and about walking and riding bikes, my recovery was quick. This marathon, not so much. I rested for a day, and then went back to work to sit behind a desk all day. This massage was life changing, and much needed!

DAY 3: Therapy

Not much to say here, other than I highly recommend therapy for everyone and anyone! It gives me an outside point of view, in a private setting, and has taught me so much about myself and my life.

DAY 4: Home early to watch Grey’s Anatomy

I feel like at the end of the Kings season we had a game every Thursday night, so I’ve been catching up on Grey’s Anatomy on the weekends. Between that and working long hours for renewals, I made a point to (still work late and) be home by 8 PM for a live episode on the couch.

DAY 5: Dodger Game

Reunited with Dodger Stadium for the Opening Weekend of the MLB season with good company!

DAY 6: Went out downtown

People have been asking me for 2 years now where I like to go out in LA, and I really have never had a good answer, or answer at all. I have officially found my favorite spot, and had a fun, impromptu night out with my roomie!

DAY 7: Church & lunch with friends

I look forward to going to mass every Sunday, and to be able to worship God with two wonderful friends is such a blessing. We even got our lunch for free that day!

DAY 8: Phone calls with my Grandmas

Life is incredibly short, so I want to make sure I take the time to call my grandmas while I still have the chance. I miss both my grandpas so much.

DAY 9: Bought Catholic Planner

I have to thank my cousin, Mandy, for this one - she shared her Blessed Is She Liturgical Planner on Facebook, so I decided to buy one for myself and let me tell you, I am OBSESSED. It’s dedicated toward Catholic women, which is amazing, but it also gives me the month, weekly and daily pages. My most favorite part is that every day it has a part for me to check the box of: “I loved my: body, mind or soul” and then also asks me to answer what I was grateful for that day. The planner is currently on sale at blessedisshe.net!

DAY 10: Rest

I’ve unfortunately been sleeping horribly for weeks now. I made an attempt to turn my phone off by a certain time, take some melatonin and go to bed early. It was worth a shot.

DAY 11: Happy Hour

A friend and I got together to catch up at a spot we had never been to in Santa Monica for drinks and dinner. It was nice to talk to a friend who gives you the advice and understanding of your heart and what you’re going through. I know it’s easy for you to tell a broken-hearted friend that they deserve better and to move on, but I highly recommend taking a different path of advice with your friend. It makes all the difference and means the world.

DAY 12: Clippers Game

Spent the Friday night taking in the Clippers vs Lakers game with one of my best friends. And again, someone who just gets it.

DAY 13: Kings Game

I wasn’t going to count this since it’s work and mandatory, but it was our last game of the season and I decided to take it in a little more than I normally would on a game day. How fortunate am I to have worked at one of the best venues in all of sports for the last 2 years, and not only that, but to have finally found a home working back in hockey.

DAY 14: Diamondbacks Game

I am the queen of impulsive decisions and this one was a great one. A couple weeks ago I became close with my coworker, Kelsey. Of course, now she is taking a job with the MLB in New York and leaving me, so we decided to make the trip to Arizona for the Diamondbacks vs Red Sox game. We both have it on our bucket list to attend a game at every MLB ballpark. We drove to Phoenix on 3 hours of sleep, Starbucks and good ole female country music powerhouses - it was the perfect girls trip!

DAY 15: Thai Girls Night

Monday night. I had just driven 5 1/2 hours back to LA. My emotions coming in full-swinging. You know those nights where you just really don’t want to, but you do and it becomes one of the best nights? Yeah, this one. It was honestly the first time in my 2 years in LA where I got together with a new group of people (girls) and everyone was genuine, welcoming and awesome. This was also the day I started enjoying red wine.. no more “only moscato”, SAY WHAT?

DAY 16: Read & bed early

I’m honestly in the middle of 4 books right now, so I have no idea what I’m doing with my life.

DAY 17: The right mindset

This is a weird one for me to type and put into words. It was a repeat of one of my other days, and could’ve turned into a really bad night if I hadn’t made a decision that day to allow myself to have a night of happiness - to not allow anything to distract me or break me - and I did it - with a little help from my friends, red wine and honestly, techniques my therapist taught me.

DAY 18: Blog

The day before was what would have been my friend Ray’s 30th birthday. It was weighing heavy on my heart to write on my blog (you can read it below). Journaling and blogging can be very therapeutic.

DAY 19: Set no alarm

When you work a 12-8 PM shift, you get to sleep in without an alarm and it was HEAVEN.

DAY 20: Dodgers Game

Technically this is a repeat, but you can never go wrong with Dodger baseball and catching up with a friend. Although we did spend majority of the game in the Baseline Club watching the Clippers game - oops.

DAY 21: GOT Watch Party

This was another day where I just wasn’t feeling it, but I allowed myself some alone time at home that afternoon after church and lunch, and then went to a friends to watch the Game of Thrones premiere. Good food, good company, good night.

DAY 22: Girls Night

Two of my girl friends came over to drink wine, watch the Clippers playoff game and spend the night. Let me just add that I called the game - that the Clippers would win a game in the series and it would be Game 2 at Golden State. SAY IT AIN’T SO!

DAY 23: Treated myself for lunch

For people who are scared to go out to eat by yourself - I used to be you, but get over it. It’s the best, especially when you treat yourself to a birthday cake shake.

DAY 24: Home

I booked a flight home to be with my family - talk about pure joy and happiness!

Day 25: Hurricanes Game

It has been 10 years since the Hurricanes were last in the playoffs. I was a Senior in high school, never had my eyebrows waxed and Rod Brind’Amour was on the team. Being back in the building was everything I know as home. I was reunited with my family, family friends, best friend of 17 years, past season ticket members and old coworkers - people who I love so much. Not only that, but the Hurricanes won to tie the series in true redneck hockey fashion.

Day 26: Complete lazy day

It’s 5:30 PM and I’m still in my pajamas. Don’t judge me, or do. I don’t care.

After 26 days, I’ve realized a couple things:

Surround yourself with good, genuine people who support your heart

Allow yourself the time you need to slow down and rest

Planning your week out ahead of time makes all the difference in staying busy and keeping yourself accountable

I owe it to myself to keep bringing joy and value into my life

[lifeofcmil]

30.

Yesterday would’ve been Ray’s 30th birthday.

He’s not here because on October 2nd, 2010, he and my other friend, Zac, died of drug overdose.

My therapist said something to me the other week that stuck with me. She asked, “do you feel as if you take the end of a relationship like death?” I do. Without a doubt. We decided to dig into the loss in my life a little bit deeper, and I quickly realized this one, or these two, have impacted me the most.

October 2nd, 2010: It was Lambda Chi’s annual Watermelon Bust - one of my favorite philanthropy events because ya girl is serious about winning a watermelon eating contest and slip-n-slide watermelon. I can still picture myself walking back to my car, and remember thinking to myself “I don’t need to bother with my phone” - which is unlike me. I always have my phone on and near me. If I don’t answer, I’m either in church, a meeting or asleep. When I got back to the sorority house, I impulsively decided to go for a run around Greek Village. A run would be something normal for me to do, but weird on that day as I was covered in watermelon juice. That, too, ended up being ironic, because I had ran track with both Zac & Ray. When I got back to my room, I turned on the shower and before getting in I decided to pull up Facebook on my laptop. That’s when I read all over my timeline, “RIP Zac Tigner and Ray Ausbon.” No. No. No. That cannot be true. Zac, maybe. He was reckless and everyone knew it. He was 2 days away from going into the military. But, Ray? The two of them? This must be a mistake. I rushed to my cell phone, which I still hadn’t checked, to see missed calls and texts. It was true.

The next two weeks were spent at home with friends and family, attending their funerals, missing class - which lead me to drop from business and change my major. It was the first time I had to see my 11 year old brother’s heart break. It was the start of making a habit of going to the cemetery every trip home from college and now California.

For awhile, I blamed myself. I should’ve known, and if I had known, I would’ve tried to stop them. For an even longer time, I blamed their closer friends, because they did know, and they did nothing. It made me so angry to sit and listen to them talk about how funny it was how “fucked up” they were the 24 hours leading up to them passing away. I have thankfully finally forgiven them as God has taught me to.

What has impacted me the most from losing Ray, though, is that we were in a fight when he died. We weren’t even Facebook friends because I had deleted him. He left this earth not knowing how much I cared about him. He was a part of our family and I was a part of his. We know tomorrow isn’t promised, but it became cemented in stone on that day in October.

I’ve always had a big heart, but this changed my life in the best and worst ways. I now choose to live my life living and loving with my whole heart. I try to show Grace as much as possible with anyone I meet (just maybe not in LA traffic or with Duke fans). I don’t start fights with my family or friends. If my ex ever sees this, he’ll probably laugh at that last sentence, but it’s true. It’s never in my intention to start a fight. Ever. Because there was ONE fight that changed my life. I can’t go to sleep at night when I’m in an argument in a relationship. I have to have it solved right away because I’m painfully aware that tomorrow isn’t promised. And I struggle, just like my therapist said with the loss of a relationship. It’s death to me. Every single bone in my body wants to love that person with everything I’ve got - to tell them how I am feeling; that I love them, that I miss them, that I want to be with them - but that’s not how breakups work. We are both fortunate to still be on this earth, yet I lose that control of being able to love them as if there’s no tomorrow. It’s heartbreaking because it takes me back to this major loss in my life. It’s made me who I am today.

9 years later, and on what would’ve been Ray’s 30th birthday, I am reminded of how much he is missed so dearly.

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams? Settle down with a family, I wonder what would you name your babies? Some days the sky's so blue, I feel like I can talk to you, And I know it might sound crazy. It ain't fair: you died too young, Like the story that had just begun, But death tore the pages all away. God knows how I miss you, All the hell that I've been through, Just knowing no-one could take your place. And sometimes I wonder, Who you'd be today? Sunny days seem to hurt the most. I wear the pain like a heavy coat. The only thing that gives me hope, Is I know I'll see you again some day.

[lifeofcmil]

How 26.2 Changed My Life

My high school track and cross country coach knew the reason behind any bad race I had - it was because my boyfriend & I were in a fight or broken up, or something else was going on emotionally in my life. I can still see myself standing there in the parking lot when he called me out on it (in a positive way, of course) & he was right; the best running and life lessons from Coach Cooper. Fast forward almost 14 years later & I can finally say I know how to channel my emotions through running in a positive way. 

Like I wrote about in my previous blog post, I’ve always been motivated by other people and things. I couldn’t even tell you the last decision I made that was solely for myself until 6 1/2 weeks ago when I signed up for the LA Marathon. An extremely impulsive decision, but this time it was about ME. The start of this year has not gone the way I expected, in more negative than positive ways. Today’s race was about giving it all away - the past, fear of the unknown, anxiety, hurt, insecurities - all while dealing with a very recent broken heart. The (lack of) training I put in was obviously not what’s recommended for a marathon, but I knew if I had a mentally strong day I could power through the worst pain I’ve ever put my body through for the second time.

Today I can proudly say I have a new marathon PR, achieving the goal I set for myself back in October for the Chicago Marathon.

I did it - for me, and no one else.

I do have some shout outs to give, though. Thank you to my friends & family who left me love & encouragement on my Motigo app..

Tess

Claire

Jess

Mom - “Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain and difficulty. I’ve never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I’ve envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.”

Dad

Angela

Tammy - no offense to everyone else (love ya mean it), but these took my breath away. Tammy was my cousin Gabby’s nurse, so these messages gave me an even greater strength to keep pushing (especially up the hills).

Bryson

Kelsey

Amanda

Devin

Alexis

Liz & crew!

Elizabeth

Mandy & James

Megs

Erin, Bo (& Woodford!)

Uncle Mike - “I just got out of church & the message was on forgiveness, & I thought while you’re running you could think about this.. the hardest thing is not forgiving God or forgiving others - a lot of times it’s forgiving ourselves for the things we’ve done that are mistakes, but thank God that He blesses us with forgiveness. I know you know that, but I just wanted to have a nice message for you while you run your race. Take care & God Bless.”

Natalie

EG & Jackie

Aunt Ruth (& Wallace LOL)

Davey

...& everyone else who has sent me text messages in the last 24 hours. I couldn’t have done it without the support & encouragement from my loved ones. To have a list like the one above is truly incredible, and I am so so blessed. Also, shout out to Maria at Mile 14 & finding me while I was dead in the grass after the race - so much love for you.

March 24, 2019 will forever be a day that changed my life in the best of ways. It may seem silly, but to finally make THE CHOICE to do something for myself - something as impactful as completing another marathon - and as humble as possible, crushing the hell out of it. I made a promise to myself that I would. There may still be some heartache and struggles in my life moving forward, but I now know I can get through anything with putting more value, love, respect and (unselfish) focus on myself.

As suggested by two of my friends, for the next 26 days, I’m going to do one thing - big or small - every day that brings joy or adds value to my life. I will keep ya’ll updated.

God Bless,

Christine

[lifeofcmil]

Motivation

A couple weeks ago I was on a run & I had a moment with myself - I couldn’t figure out why I was struggling so hard to find motivation to run a simple 2-3 miles. But then it came quickly to me - my motivation has always come from doing things for others, not myself.

Examples throughout my entire life:

My cousin, Gabby was my motivation while running track and cross country. She dealt with so much pain and beat the odds time and time again, so I knew I could push through my races that were microscopic compared to what she was going through.

My best friend, Jackie was diagnosed with bone cancer in high school. My nickname for her has always been [ strength ]. I was terrified of hospitals, and even more terrified that my best friend had cancer, but every time I walked in that hospital or bedroom to see her, I had no choice but to stay strong for her. I couldn’t show her that I was scared because she needed to win that battle (and continues to do so every day).

Two of my friends died of drug overdose in 2010. They both ran track with me, and let’s just say, they weren’t the most dedicated of runners. One thing they always did, though, was finish strong. The hour before I found out they passed away, I went for an impromptu run around Greek Village - to this day I’ll always finish a run or a race strong because that’s what they would do if they were still here.

I joined Isabella’s Dream Team while living in Charlotte and ran several 10Ks in her honor and memory, as well as the Charlotte half marathon. Her lost battle with neuroblastoma gave me the motivation to run with her parents and so many others at the crack of dawn on Saturday’s in the summer.

I ran the Chicago Marathon as a St. Jude Hero, raising over $1,500 for childhood cancer, a cause that clearly means so much to me.

I find the most happiness in my job when my quality of life is going well - and that typically revolves around relationships and community with others.

While in a relationship, I put the other person’s happiness above mine, but that’s because their happiness is most important to me. With everything I’ve been through and the loss I’ve dealt with, it’s important for that person to know how much I care while we are here on this earth.

Now don’t get it twisted - this isn’t a list of things to say “hey look at me, me, me & how great I am!” It’s simply a reflection to myself on where this currently puts me. Where does it?

How do I find motivation to do more things for myself? 

The key word to that is “more.” Yesterday I treated myself at the hair salon and then drove 40 minutes for some fried chicken and sweet tea - so there are definitely times I do things for myself... but it’s not the big things.

My relationship with God is for me and my life (and those who are in it - of course I had to add it).

This LA Marathon in two weeks is for me. It’s to battle through pain and put a focus on something bigger than me. Wait.. “something bigger than me.” That was the only way I could finish that sentence. Does that make it not for me?

Nothing is just for me. Is that okay? Or is that why I am broken and struggle at times?

My heart is my absolute favorite quality about me, but also, heartbreakingly, my least favorite.

[lifeofcmil]

fear.

I have always tried to live my life as authentic as possible. It ain’t always pretty, but I think it’s important. In this current world we live in, everything is glamorized, people post their best (filtered) lives on social media, while suicides and drug overdoses are at an all-time high. I have tried to be as open as possible with my struggles, because first, I know I need the support, and second, because I know others need it too. We are truly never alone.

I haven’t been off to my best start this new year. I started having an anxiety that I’ve never experienced in my life, as well as dealing with chest pains (the worst) that have come back after 4 years. Living in California has truthfully never been easy for me, either, so in my eyes, it all just added up. I’ve also learned that many of my anxieties aren’t always trigged or pinpointed to the current moment, but things from my past that have caught up to me in a variety of ways. I started seeing a therapist (highly recommend) and also began the most amazing bible study. God’s timing is perfect.

My bible study is tied into Lysa Terkeurst’s book “It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way” and let me tell you again... it is seriously amazing. In Chapter 4, Lysa talks about fear, and how in the Bible, God wants us to confront that fear by starting with us.

“After all, I will never be able to control what other people have going on in their heads or in their conversations. But with the help of the Holy Spirit in me, I can absolutely learn to control how much I allow the fear of their opinions to have access to my life. And working on something in my own heart has a much greater chance of getting traction.”

So what did Lysa do? She went and bought a two-piece bathing suit.

“The enemy wants us paralyzed and compromised by the what-ifs, opinions, accusations, and misunderstandings.”

As I finished the chapter and worked through my bible study I thought to myself: what is one thing I can do that I’m scared of? While reading the chapter, I was relating by reminding myself that I had signed up for the LA Marathon last minute, but truthfully, that isn’t a fear of mine. I know I am capable of completing it. I am a runner. So I thought some more and then I saw on Twitter that Lauren Daigle, my favorite Christian artist, was in LA the coming week and a few seats had opened up. Why not go to her concert by myself? It’s awkward and uncomfortable, and also touches on a big insecurity I’m currently dealing with which is not feeling like I have many friends in LA.

So fast forward to last night. I put on my guardian angel bracelet, walked out the door and went to the Lauren Daigle concert by myself. While the opener was performing, I looked around and noticed I was the only person (that I could see)at the concert alone. At one point I was also reminded in my head that the last time I was at the venue, I was with the one person I care so much about. But then I remembered - I’m the one who decides if my anxiety and fear are going to have power over me or not. And the concert was amazing - life changing - soulful.

I’m still a work in progress. I always will be. But last night made me proud that I was able to set my mind and my heart on the things above by choosing to believe God’s word. Sure, it would’ve been nice to go with a friend, but I was able to put myself first and it allowed me to live in that moment. It’s also a step in the right direction of me feeling like ME again, because I know she’s still in there, and not so anxious and fearful.

I’ll ask the same question Lysa asked me:

“How are you living paralyzed by fear instead of in the reality that you are deeply loved by God?”

[lifeofcmil]

Record Year

There’s a Kenny Chesney song where he sings: “We all have a song that somehow stamped our lives; takes us to another place a time.” That’s what Record Year by Eric Church is to me for 2017.

Time has flown by, but at the same time everything at the beginning of the year felt so long ago.

I brought in 2017 with my best friend in Pittsburgh. It was the perfect start to the new year; road tripping, watching hockey and exploring in a new city (which I loved). I added it to my list of places I would move to in the next step of my career.

I started the new year continuing to work for the Hurricanes. I had tried to work in sports for 3 years before I landed the Sales Associate position. I had even interviewed for a position back in 2013 before I graduated and didn’t get it. It can take a lot of patience, and it’s totally cliché but true to say: never give up on your dreams. And when it comes: seize every opportunity.

That’s what I chose to do. In February/March, (as humble as possible) I crushed every single revenue record previously set in Inside Sales with the canes. I had left Charlotte, a city I loved, where all my best friends were, to move back in to my parent’s house at 25 to begin my sports career. I knew if I kicked ass, I’d have opportunities, and it ended up coming down to Chicago, Nashville and LA - all dream jobs.

Everyone knows how this goes, but on April 22nd, I began my drive across the country to California with my mom. Some of my most favorite advice I’ve been given to this day was to soak in my trip across country. It’s on so many people’s bucket lists to do it, but when we finally get the time off from work, we’d rather go to the beach, mountains, or fly somewhere. I truly enjoyed every hour and mile on that trip with my mom. The highlights were definitely stopping in the Grand Canyon and Sedona.

In May, I began my career with the Clippers. I spent the summer going to my favorite beach and Dodgers games.  In August, I moved to Santa Monica with two of my biggest blessings in California (my roommates). Moving across the country has come with it’s challenges, and from my previous blog posts, has been a bit of a rollercoaster, but I am closing out the year on a high note.

This year I turned 26 and spent my birthday watching the Dodgers vs Cubs (my two favorite teams - yes, it’s complicated, I know) at Dodger Stadium for my first ever playoff game. I completely my fifth half marathon, and decided to finally pull the trigger on signing up for my first full marathon in 2018.

In November, I went to Game 7 of the World Series; the first Game 7 in the history of Dodger Stadium (I’ll be paying that one off into the new year, but totally worth it). I discovered Risen, and started walking to church every Sunday morning (despite it conflicting with Panthers games and fantasy football each week).  I was also lucky enough to go home for Thanksgiving (It was the longest I had gone without seeing my family and WAY needed).

I just spent my first Christmas away from home, but oddly, I found myself at peace. Between my faith and difference circumstances leading up to Jesus’ birthday, I was able to find a calmness in my heart.

With everything that has happened, I would definitely consider this my record year as far as my career and life changes go, but it’s the song that has stamped my life.

”I'm either gonna get over you Or I'm gonna blow out my ears Yeah, you're out there now Doin' God knows how, and I'm stuck here Havin' a record year”

Stay tuned for my new year resolutions...

[lifeofcmil]

What is the reason for the gift? (Advent: Week 2)

Last week we learned more about our God who gives the gift; the perfect gift. Isn’t that what we all strive for? To give the perfect gift to your coworker for Secret Santa, sibling, friend, significant other, parent, etc. Believe it or not -Advent is actually a time for receiving; receiving God’s gift.

What is the reason for the gift?

In Isaiah 40:1-11 the power of redemption is lifted up and we are reminded of several important things:

You can find joy (and comfort) in the midst of your difficulty.

Your sins have been paid for.

God’s path is straight. His timing is perfect. And when he comes, he comes quickly.

We are so unfaithful compared to God’s faithfulness, and his faithfulness is permanent. “God endures forever.”

Nothing you are pursuing apart from God can give you permanent joy. Okay, I wrote this in huge bold letters at church today, so I’ll bold it here, too. Not power, not our job, not sex.

God is coming, and he is Lord over past, present and future.

If you told me Beyoncé was coming over to my house, I’d have my place to perfection. But what are we doing to prepare ourselves for God’s coming?

Christmas is about:

Real comfort

Real salvation

Real hope

[lifeofcmil]

Who is the God who gives the gift? (Advent: Week 1)

Sunday has quickly become my favorite day of the week, especially thanks to Risen Church. As many Christians know, today marks the first week of Advent. My new and dear friend, Tim, preached and it was too good and honest not to share. 

Christmas is by far my favorite holiday, but it’s a truly unique time. Ronald Rolheiser says it perfectly:

“Our time of preparation is generally more of a time to prepare our houses than a time to prepare our souls, more of a time of shopping than of prayer, and more of a time of already feasting than a time of fasting as a preparation for a feast. Today advent is perhaps more about already celebrating Christmas than it is about preparing for it.”

I mean, seriously. Last week I spent my entire Sunday afternoon shopping, picking out a tree and decorating my apartment like a looney. Today I went looking for new shoes (that I most definitely don’t need) for my company’s holiday party and got invited to another where I’ll focus my time on (attempting to) finding a plus one. I don’t even want to think about Christmas cards and gifts, but that’s next on the list. And I know I’m not alone in this - we all do it - it seems like the entire month of December.

This advent season we must ask ourselves:

Will we take the time to slow down?

Will we prepare our soul for God’s coming?

Will we reflect on the God who is?

Who is the God who gives the gift?

Today’s reading comes from Mark 13:24-37, scripture that is often controversial amongst scholars; but what is true is this:

God is bigger, above anything in all creation

He will always be bigger than what is going on in our world (Yes, even Trump, nuclear weapons, and celebrity scandals).

There is no place you can’t go where God can’t bring you back

No matter how dark of a place you may fall at times, it will never be too far away from God. I know this for a fact.

God has left a fig tree in your life

The disciples asked for a sign, as do we in our daily lives. The fig tree represents His physical workings in our world.

God will always keep His word to you; His words are certain

God left us with tasks

Those tasks weren’t to go shopping or to attend every holiday party and social gathering in town. What tasks did He leave for you? And have you embraced them?

Will we have room in our lives for God each day, not only this advent season, but all year long?

[lifeofcmil]

Confessions Part I & II (just not as scandalous as Usher)

When you hide things not only from others, but yourself - it eventually catches up to you - and that’s where I find myself in this moment.

People tell me far too often how much they love my life and think it’s amazing. In many aspects, they’re right. I work for an NBA team (who happen to be the best in the west right now) at one of the greatest arenas in the world. I live in Santa Monica, CA, just a short run to the beach. And I’ve been able to do a lot of cool shit like over 20+ Dodger games and a World Series Game 7. How do they think my life is so great? By what they see based on my Instagram and social media.

What they don’t see is:

How alone I feel being 2,232 miles (to be exact) away from my family

Not being able to find the energy to do a simple task like dry my hair in the morning (okay, drying your hair is a bitch)

Finally hearing from the guy who I can’t get over, being the happiest I’ve been in weeks, to feeling heartbroken all over again in a matter of minutes

Failure in my job

Not having the same friends as back home

Gaining weight

Emptiness I’ve never felt in 26 years

Now, please don’t take this the wrong way. I don’t want or need your pity. Life is hard; nobody said it would be easy, and truthfully, I’m getting what I asked for in a challenge when I chose to move to California. What I know is that I’m not the only person struggling out there, and that we need to do a better job at not only being more honest with ourselves, but with others. We can’t believe every damn thing we see on social media.

..Which brings me to my part 2..

Exactly a month ago today, on the 7 year anniversary of my two dear friends’ death, I wrote and shared about how something needs to be done with the opioid crisis we’re facing in America. Although I’m not abusing drugs to cope with my struggles, so many are. And what have I done in this last month to try and make a difference? Nothing except post on Instagram. But now, here I am, and I need help; I truly feel like I’m struggling.

I guess the point to all of this is to help and love one another. The very least I could do in this moment is simply share my struggle and bring it to light. Many people don’t, and it’s important to remember that.

[lifeofcmil]

Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams, telling myself it's not as hard, hard, hard as it seems.

It’s been a little over a month since I moved to Los Angeles, and I thought I could use some positive reflection. I am hard on myself; at work, with my relationships, while I’m running, or honestly sometimes when I’m sitting on the couch doing nothing - and I’ve got to stop and give myself credit where it’s due.

I just moved 2,536 miles away from the place I have spent the majority of my life. To California. Where most people dream of wanting to visit or live. And back in October when I was dreaming of it, I decided to set my mind to it and made it happen. Without knowing more than a handful of people here, I did it. That is badass and I should be proud of myself.

(This was the napkin handed to me on my flight to LA for my final interview. I know hundreds of people get this every day, but I really believed it to foreshadow.)

Over the last few weeks, I feel like I have spent WAY more of my thoughts and energy on how tough it’s been. But when I really stop to think about what I’ve already accomplished - it’s awesome, inspiring and will only get better over time with a little (a lot) of patience.

My first weekend in LA was spent with my mom and best friend (surprisingly she hadn’t killed me from our cross country road-trip). Friday night we drove down to Anaheim and caught the Ducks and Oilers game. I’m convinced you can never beat a Stanley Cup Playoff atmosphere; however, the rest of the weekend did not disappoint. Saturday we watched the Dodger’s hit back-to-back-to-back home runs to come back and beat the Phillies in the bottom of the 9th. Then on Sunday, I introduced my mom to my new team as we sat right above the Clippers’ home tunnel for Game 7. How incredible of a first weekend, right?!

The beach has always been one of my favorite places. It’s where I wanted to go to college, it’s where I moved after college (let’s all take a moment.... okay, yep... that’s about as long as I lasted there too), it’s where we partied for Spring Break, and it’s where I watched my high school love (love?) surf. But what it really is to me - peace. Lucky for me, after a long week of, can you guess it? Me being hard on myself, I’m just a quick drive away to the beach. Hello, Santa Monica views at sunset. Another one of my favorite things.

Isak Dinesen once said “The cure for anything is salt water; sweat, tears or the sea.” Well, although I got my dose of vitamin sea in, I somehow cried in front of my boss the next day. It was so great (false) and came out of no where. Poor guy. With no better timing, my cousin and her husband had just arrived in town and met me for lunch. That’s where I spontaneously decided to join them in Anaheim for the weekend. I not only got to cross Disneyland and another half-marathon off my list, but I got to spend quality time (when it was much needed) with the ones who matter most: family. (Also: Shoutout to Mandy for setting a new PR that morning! Called it.)

That following week, I finally made my first sale. I say finally, because why? Because if you’re following the theme here- I’m hard on myself. I think I had only been on the phones for 5 work days at that point, but it was important to get that monkey off my back. My coworker had introduced me to his Inside Sales team as the girl who “absolutely crushed it in Carolina.” Well, shit. Is this another one of those moments where I need to give myself credit? I guess so. That same week my boss from Carolina had sent me this picture of our “Wall/Hall of Fame” with my signed puck and new business card. 

“Don’t forget where you came from, but never lose sight of where you are going.”

I’ll forever have a special place in my heart for Hermosa Beach. It was the first (and really only) place I went to when I first came to California for my birthday back in October, and I fell in love. If I could live anywhere in SoCal, so far it would be here.

It’s comforting to have little pieces of home in a brand new (huge) city; like my first best friend and neighbor when I was 3 years old. How fun to be reunited for drinks, playoff hockey and sick seats behind home plate to a Dodgers game? As if nothing has ever changed.

Hiking has been on my Cali bucket list since October and surprisingly it took a month living out here to get it done. I decided instead of going down the street to the more popular, crowded options, that I would drive out to Malibu and hit up Solstice Canyon. It did not disappoint, and holy Malibu. Beautiful.

I’ve come to realize it’s going to take me awhile to learn the area, make new friends and build up my book of business at work, but that’s okay. As long as I’m making the most of what I can each day, I’ll always be “standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams” (and going to lots of Dodgers games).

[lifeofcmil]

The meaning of 13.1

My first thank you has to go to Isabella’s Dream Team. 

Eighteen weeks ago I joined this team for a couple reasons, but mostly to bring more into my every day life that can get repetitive once you join the working world. I truly had no idea what an impact the dream team would leave on me. Not only was I given the motivation to train for my third half marathon, but I joined an INCREDIBLE group of people who were equally as passionate to raise money for neuroblastoma research and childhood cancer. This team has raised over $150K for the Isabella Santos Foundation. With an original goal of $500, I ended up raising $1,050! 

Special shout out to Amanda, my mom, Bonnie, Bob, Corey, Charles, Alex, Grammy, The Lowe Family, Justin, Lorraine, Natalie, Liz, Mike, Tom & Nancy, Nicole, Jen, The Shengulette Family and a couple anonymous donors for your giving hearts. I clearly couldn’t have done this without every single one of you, and I am extremely grateful for your support.

If I said I trained for eighteen weeks, I would be lying. Once I left Charlotte and moved back home, my training was less than average. I am thankful for the Isabella Santos 10K back in September so I could once again join the team. I am thankful for the 5 AM runs at the ass crack of dawn (if I was lucky) with Jen & Amanda. I am thankful for the days where I could find the motivation to get back out there on my own. I knew it wasn’t the best way to finish my training, but I knew in my mind that I’m a runner and always have been. I could do it. I just would need to have a good, mentally strong day and my legs would go with me.

So race day.

MILE 1: The goal is always to have a strong start, which basically means to weave in and out of the thousands of runners to not get stuck in the pack. And then of course, there’s just the adrenaline of being out there with thousands of runners and hundreds of spectators cheering you on from start to finish. It’s an incredible feeling at 7:30 AM.

MILE 2: I started to spot some fellow Dream Team runners in their purple tanks and shirts, reminding me what we are all running for. This is also one of the miles where I could start receiving my Motigo audio messages (every even mile until the end of the race). I wasn’t sure if anyone would leave me one at mile two, but sure enough I received my first one.

Keith Farmer (a teammate of my brothers for the last couple of years and close family friend): “Uhm hello, this is Keith Farmer. Uh, just a reminder to keep pushing it and always work your hardest in life. Also, we have a date coming up. We’re going to North Hills to see a movie, I don’t know which one yet because I’m in Boston and I’m freezing my cheeks right now so, ya just keep it up, have a good time alright? Love you!”

So with 11 more miles to go, I’m running with a smile. I highly highly highly recommend downloading the Motigo app if you are a fellow runner, and sharing it with your loved ones! What a brilliant idea.

MILE 3: Hello hills of Charlotte, nice to see you again! Like I said, if I’m mentally strong, my legs will go with me, and I am thankful they did. I was feeling good and dominating those hills. This is where I have always done well in races - weird, I know.

MILE 4: Did I mention hills? Yes, there were more. Actually, at the same exact time I was receiving my second Motigo message I was running up the steepest hill yet. This one from my sister and her boyfriend. Good timing, guys.

James and Megan: “Wassup Christine, this is James. We met once maybe. I am Megan’s kind of like boyfriend or whatever (lol). Just kind of, you know, what to encourage ya, you know, Go Christine! Isn’t that right Megan? Yeah, Go, Christine, Go! We are all rooting for you, you know, great cause and all.”

You know?

MILE 5: Probably more hills. The perk of this race though - running through some of my favorite streets in Charlotte, through the prettiest neighborhoods. I was feeling good with a split of 46:15 at mile five. During this mile, one of my best friends and running partners, Ross, caught up to me, putting his hand on my back and giving me the thumbs up. All I remember saying is “We’re almost to six! Almost to the Dream Team cheer section!”

This is where I have to thank Ross. Thank you for letting me convince you to join this team back in the hot summer months. Thank you for giving up your Friday nights for early Saturday morning runs. Thank you for keeping me mentally strong these last couple of weeks when I have struggled. I couldn’t have done this one without you.

MILE 6: I do remember throughout the race counting down my miles until I got to hear my next audio messages. I knew ahead of the race that I had eleven messages (ended up being fifteen by the time I was done- SURPRISE!), but I didn’t know who or when.

“Hey, it’s Jordan! Keep on running!”

When you’re six miles into a race, you’re pretty delirious so when I heard this message, I’m thinking “Who is Jordan?” I thought, that’s sweet, it must be one of my Dream Team runner’s kids who doesn’t even know me! Not until mile eight when I heard his sister, did I realize it’s GEORDAN. The sweetest boy who I used to nanny for. Love this kid!

MILE 6.5: ISF CHEER SECTION! There are crowds and crowds of people throughout the course, but nothing beats seeing people you know and your loved ones. Not only did I get to high five my coach, but I got to see my mom and best friend. Oh, and to toss off that sweaty headband I no longer needed. Blessed.

Coach Tom. What a joy it has been having you as my coach. On day one and every single day since then, I have always felt welcomed. You have kept us all accountable and motivated, and been an inspiration yourself! You are the best.

Mom. Thank you for coming to Charlotte with me so I could be fully prepared for my race and then cheering me on again. You will always be my hero!

Tess. Two years in a row now you have woken up at the crack of dawn in the COLD to watch me RUN. And by watch me run- see me at the start, wait an hour to see me again, and wait another hour to see me finish. You are the definition of a true friend, and I am forever thankful for your constant support of me!

MILE 7: TBH. I blacked out this mile. I am sure it was me mostly telling myself I was not allowed to walk. Not yet. If I was ever going to let myself do it, it was too soon. Plus, I was a mile away from more audio messages.

MILE 8: My friends clearly know me so well, because I needed them in this moment. These audio messages were a mixture of laughter, smiles (no really I caught myself cheesing out during this mile - people probably thought I was insane) and then emotions.

Aislynn (A girl I used to nanny for in Charlotte): “Hey Christine, It’s Aislynn. I really hope you do a good job today. Keep Running!”

Verners (One of my brother’s Latvian teammates): “Hey, I’m uh #37 from Carolina Eagles. Your brothers, Matt Miller’s, really good friend, and keep going. Good luck!”

Julia: “It’s Julia! We finally made it to our race day girlie and I’m sure you are rocking it out on mile 8. Hopefully I am somewhere close to you. Just wanted to tell you thank you for being such an inspiration and a motivation to me. I seriously look up to you so much. Psalms 1 39:14 tells us that we are all fearfully and wonderfully made and you truly are a living example of this. Keep pushing girl, we are so close!”

Julia. You too - thank you for letting me convince you to join this team over the summer. I couldn’t be happier, because it brought us so much closer and you have been an inspiration to me, too. I already miss our early runs and smoothie dates. Oh yeah, and tell that little knee of yours.. YOU DID IT!!

Kayla: “Hi Christine! It’s KK! I love you so much. I’m so proud of you. OOO keep running! Pass that bitch! Pass that bitch! You got it! You got it! I love you! I’m so proud of you.”

Kayla (Round 2): “Oh, It’s KK again! Are you passing her? You better be passing her, Christine! I’m not fucking kidding. Only winners get ice cream!”

Erin Santos (An audio of her daughter Isabella, the little girl we run for, reading a book before she passed away from neuroblastoma at the age of 7 years old): “I hear the owl. Hoot hoot hoot. Asking who I love and who loves me, too. I smile and I answer. It’s you you you. You are the one I love.”

It took the breath out of me. For a minute or so I had to focus on getting my breathing back to normal, and then push. Because I had no other option.

MILE 9: This is the part of the race where you have to stay mentally strong. Cons of this part of the race: Morehead Street makes you feel like you’re so close to the finish, until you turn left AWAY from the finish line for another couple of miles. Pros: I’ve ran this road before. I’ve ran UP this road before. It’s nothing different. I am capable of doing this.

MILE 10: Split: 1:35:38. Basically needed to run the last 3 miles (the hardest 3 miles) in less than 25 minutes to PR. Doable, but this shit is tough.

Allie: “BABY YOU WERE BORN TO RUNNNNNN!!! DA nuh nuh nuh. I KNOW you’re killing it out there! I can’t wait to hear how sick your time is. Finish strong girl!”

Amanda: “You got this Christine! You’re almost done. I love you!”

Jackie: “My strength- I am so so proud of you. You’re almost there, so keep running your cute little booty off! I’m really proud of you- I know you’re doing amazing. And I love you so much. And thank you for running because I can’t. You are the best and I love you!”

I was unapologetically running with tears down my face. Many of us support causes that are most important to us. Childhood cancer is important to me because the girl above, Jackie. My best friend, my strength, was diagnosed with osteosarcoma freshman year of high school. I am proud to say she is cancer free, but she continues to be my inspiration and strength on a daily basis. The last sentence got me- “thank you for running because I can’t.” This is why I run. I run for her. I run for Isabella. I run for my cousin, Anna. I run for those who can’t. At this point in the race, I felt myself kick it better into gear.

MILE 11: Two more miles left. That is nothing. Take it one mile at a time. One little loop around South End. You’ve got this, Christine. At this point in the race last year, I completely lost it mentally and ruined what would have been a PR. I refused to let that happen. It was a good mile.

MILE 12: This last mile felt like an eternity. 

Jaime (An old coworker and even better friend): “Hey Christine, It’s Jaime! You’ve only got one more mile to go. You’ve done an amazing job and we’re all really proud of you. You got this!”

Mom & Tess: “Hey Christine, It’s mom. You got his girl! And Tess! WOO You’re almost there! Just think- soon you’re going to have your tattoo where it’s like bumble bees stinging you over and over again. You got this! We love you! See you at the finish line! Bye girl!”

Yeah, speaking of that tattoo: I did it.

Erin Santos (Isabella Santos audio of her reading): “Over the mountains and over the sea. Together with you, I wish I could be. Please let the light that shines on me, shine on the ones I love.”

Erin. Thank you for starting The Isabella Santos Foundation in honor of your daughter. Thank you for sharing her story, and thank you for sharing yours. Although this race is over, I will continue to support the foundation and share Ibby’s story for the rest of my life. We have just begun. You are an inspiration and bad ass! There are not enough words.

I was strong, and then I was weak. I let myself walk and counted to 30, then kept going again. At one point, I had to completely stop and bend over to attempt to rest my legs for a second or two. Then two Dream Team runners ran by. I immediately started again and told myself to stay with them until the end. I could see the turn by Panthers Stadium to the finish. I had stayed with them earlier in the race, and I guess had broken ahead at some point. I knew they were going to finish strong because they are great runners. I tried my hardest while keeping my eyes on the back of their tank tops: “We run for Isabella and other children fighting cancer.”

MILE 13.1: 2:06:46. I did it. I lifted my arms crossing the finish, and in video you can see me lift them higher to the sky a couple times. Glory to God.

It was not 13.1 miles I wanted to complete for a third time just for fun. It was wanting to make my coach and team proud for the amount of work we put in over the summer months. It was for those who had given graciously and donated to my fundraising page. It was for those who took the time to leave me audio messages to push me to my potential. It was for glorifying God with the talent he has blessed me with. It was for Isabella Santos and all who have fought cancer. My most precious medal.

[lifeofcmil]

I Like You So Much Better When We’re Naked

The title of this isn’t what you’re thinking. Grey’s Anatomy: Season 6, Episode 12; last night’s episode before bed as I gradually try and catch up on 13 missed seasons.

The big question of the episode is would you choose surgery over the person you love? Would you choose your career over love? Love, easy. In a heart beat. Like Izzie says: "That's crazy. Surgery is just a job. If you lose your job, you get another one, but if you lose your love, suddenly nothing else matters." I know that exact feeling. But then Alex replies, "Love comes and goes. Surgery doesn't." Well, wait. That sounds more realistic, at least with my track record on love. How could I possibly put love ahead of my career? I went to college, got a degree, am currently paying back thousands of dollars in loans, and worked my ass off to land my dream job, to again land another. I’m going to throw that away for a shot at love? That may be a more realistic approach, but what it truly is, is fear.

There is nothing I want more in life than to marry the man of the dreams in my best friend, start a family, and live our happily ever after. But what I realized I’ve been doing more than that is loving with fear. 

“Don’t let the fear of actually getting the love you talk about be the reason you sabotage relationships and connections. Don’t pick people who will never pick you. Show up for you. Show up for your partner. Ask what you need. Tell them how to love you, instead of testing them to see if they can figure it out. Love from your heart. Jump into the unknown and quit taking a parachute with you. We don’t get to be certain and have great love. We have to choose.”

More than anything, though, my relationship with God needs to be at the center of everything. My faith will always be a work in progress; it will never be perfect, and I need to be more consistent with my relationship. It shouldn’t be only in times of fear, heartbreak or pain when I am coming to God in prayer. I should also be coming to God in prayer to celebrate my accomplishments and blessings in my life on a daily basis. I need to remember that I’m not supposed to handle everything on my own. God’s got me.

A good friend of mine sent me this tonight, and it couldn’t be more perfect:

So yes, I like you so much better when we’re naked; when I’m vulnerable and not fearful; when I am my complete self and choose love, every single time.

[lifeofcmil]

What I’m taking with me: InReach

It was a Thursday morning in May, and we were getting ready to open the restaurant I was serving tables at, and I got a phone call. It was someone who I had worked at Olive Garden with the year prior, and he was calling about an HR position he had open at a local nonprofit. He knew I had an interest in non-profit organizations, and so of course I said “Yes, I’m interested.” His response: “Okay, I can set you up with an interview this afternoon.” Oh, crap. So that afternoon, I rushed home with only a little time to spare before my interview, rinsed the BBQ smell off me in the shower, and put myself together the best I could for an interview. I almost talked myself out of it, because I wasn’t prepared.

The first person I met at InReach was, L, and it was the best first impression I could have had because I knew InReach was an organization that really stood by it’s vision and mission, and it was something I knew I wanted to be a part of. Fast forward through my interview, and I was hired as a temp to begin working the very next morning. Craziness!

So, To InReach:

Thank you for helping me grow professionally. I have not only learned a lot about human resources, but I have learned even more about myself. I have learned to have a backbone, to be more organized than I thought I already was before and I’ve truly learned to be a hard worker. I have two career passions: non-profit organizations and sports. I have been extremely fortunate to have gained the non-profit experience I have had over the last two years, and I am extremely excited to open another door into sports. It is my goal to one day combine the two, and work in community relations.

Thank you for truly standing by our mission and vision. To me, there is no better agency around than InReach, for what we do for our customers. One of my favorite things I’ve been able to do as an HR Specialist is to conduct onboarding each week. I enjoy being that “first face” to the organization when they are welcomed in because I want to make that impact. Quite frequently, I hear positive feedback about InReach, before they have even begun working, and that is extremely important to me, not only in my role, but to our agency as a whole for what we are trying to accomplish together. I have absolutely loved getting to know our customers, and seeing them accomplish theirs goals, aspirations and dreams.

Thank you for turning me into an advocate for the I/DD population. Working for InReach has opened my eyes, and I truly feel like many people, if not everyone, could benefit from it. I was in the copy room yesterday speaking with D, while she was making labels & she told me she was “having the time of her life.” Our customers put a lot into perspective, and we could all learn from them, too.

Thank you for being there for me as a coworker, but more importantly as a family. While at InReach, I lost both my grandfathers and my cousin, and InReach was there to support me every time. I have gained another momma in Beth, friends, running buddies, fans to cheer on the Panthers with, and just genuine, good people to be in my life. I could not be more thankful.

[lifeofcmil]

What I’m taking with me: My Faith

Today is the start of a mini series I’ve decided to put together during my last days in Charlotte. I am sure most of you are already sick of me talking about it, but the truth is: Charlotte has been my home for the last 7 years & the most important years of my life where I have truly become the woman I am today have been here. I live a life with purpose, and there are some important people, places & things I will be taking with me when I leave. The first is my faith.

My Grandpa Dan passed away in May 2014. At his funeral, my aunt shared two important things Grandpa wanted us to carry on with us: a strong faith and a love for our family. Faith at that point in my life was something I needed to work on. I’ve always grown up going to a Catholic church, but after moving to Charlotte for college, I never really took the time to attend church because it wasn’t a priority for me. Shortly after my Grandpa’s funeral, I started attending St. Peter’s Catholic church in uptown. It is the oldest church in the city (but definitely the prettiest). From the very start, I felt at home and was completely comfortable attending church by myself every Sunday. Before each mass begins, we stand to greet our neighbors and introduce ourselves. The church is small, so there are many people you recognize each week. We also have a lot of visitors being in center city. Before Father Tom left, at the end of each mass he would ask all visitors to please stand up. He would speak to every single guest asking where they were from & what brought them to Charlotte, and then wished them well. It was my favorite. I think the most important part of the mass though is understanding the gospel through the homily. I cannot say enough about the priests at St. Peter’s. Growing up going to our church at home, I would cross my fingers to have a certain priest (Is that sin? LOL). At St. Peter’s, you can’t lose. I have always been able to understand the gospel, and truly relate every Sunday. I will miss that.

So thank you St. Peter’s Catholic church for not only bringing me back every Sunday, but strengthening my faith. As Father Shea quoted again during the homily this morning (my favorite):

"Nothing is more practical than finding God, than falling in Love in a quite absolute, final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning, what you do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, whom you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in Love, stay in love, and it will decide everything." -Fr. Pedro Arrupe

[lifeofcmil]

This picture represents three things: 1494, sweat & strength💜💦💪🏼 1494: The number of days it has been since Isabella left this world. When I started my run this morning, the numbers were clear. Less than halfway through I looked down to notice they were smeared & thought "aw man" but then quickly remembered: this sweat is for Isabella & the other children who have lost their lives, who are currently fighting, or who may be one of the 43 diagnosed today. Strength: What was given to me in high school when my best friend was diagnosed. Without it [or her], I wouldn't be able to get through these runs. 6 miles at 6 AM✔️💜✨ #isabellasdreamteam #halfmarathontraining #beatgrowlive (at McMullen Creek Parkway- Pineville Matthews Entrance)

[lifeofcmil]

#IsabellasDreamTeam

Since I am the queen of social media, I am sure many have noticed my most recent hashtag. I've started getting the question, "Well, what is Isabella's Dream Team?" 

 Isabella's Dream Team is an endurance running team that raises money for The Isabella Santos Foundation while training for either the Charlotte, Savannah or Nashville half or full marathon. ISF is a local nonprofit organization that raises funds for Neuroblastoma research, as well as supporting other local childhood cancer charities. Personally, I think the dream team is genius. This will be my third year running The Isabella Santos 10K & also my third year completing a half marathon. Joining the team was a no-brainer for me. Instead of training on my own, I now have over 100 teammates running by my side encouraging me, while all supporting a cause extremely close to our hearts. 

 Yesterday was my second team run, & it's hard to put into words that will make people understand it's importance. We're in Week 2 of training, with the mileage yesterday at 5; something I haven't done in awhile. Thankfully I had two friends who I encouraged (or forced) to join the team motivate me along the way. My biggest motivation, though, was Isabella, a girl who I never had the chance to meet. Before taking off on our run, Isabella's mom, Erin, introduced herself & thanked us, with emotion that is still ever so present. Was I going to quit? No. Isabella fought for 5 years, & at age 7, cancer took her life away. I can complete a simple 5 mile run. Yesterday, bright & early on a Saturday morning, over 40 of us showed up in South Charlotte wearing purple to run 5-6 miles for Isabella. I am proud to be a small part of this dream team.

There are many weeks ahead of us before our November 12th races, but I encourage you to help us raise awareness for The Isabella Santos Foundation, & if able, to please donate to my fundraising page. I have a goal of $500, but hope to exceed that. Running is so much bigger than myself. Every step I take is for Isabella, my cousin, best friend, grandpas, or another child fighting for their life. Every dollar also counts. You can make a difference.

#beatgrowlive #ibbysheroes