lifeofaquinn

[lifeofaquinn]

clownery.

i pretended to be tough. i try each day to be the strongest person i ever get to be. i try not to disturb my peace by looking at things i know will cause pain. what a fucking joke. it still hurts every fucking day. there’s no better way to ask the universe if i deserve every pain that i’ve been feeling. why is this so hard? bakit lagi na lang ako? kailan ba na ako naman makakaramdam ng kaya kong ibigay? hindi ko ba deserve na maranasan yung pagmamahal na kaya kong ibigay? was i born not to get the reciprocation of what i am able to give? ang hirap na lang magkunwari bawat araw na matatag. ang hirap sabihin na “wala na, ok na ko.” na walang kirot sa puso ko. ang hirap sabihin na masaya na ko ng hindi umaabot sa punto na dadating din yung lungkot na may sakit. 

[lifeofaquinn]

hell of a ride, 2022.

i can’t believe na may pahabol pa 2022. there was a lot that happened since the last time i wrote here. the universe really does know how to shit up my fucking life. giving me temporary happiness then making me go through hell that i once got out off. i’m not even recovered yet with everything that has happened. i never felt more alone than this in my life. i tried to be the person who everyone can will get to talk to. the go-to person whenever someone needs anything. the person who you can always count on whenever and whatever. it seems like people will betray and use you of that advantage. i’m so tired. pagod na pagod na ko na magamit. being kind doesn’t get you love, it gets you used. so fucking hard. this year reminded me to not be this person. no more kindness. no more ms good. no more who i used to be. i did not deserve everything that life has treated me. this will be the last time na magiging ganito ako. you’ll never see me this way, ever again. 

[lifeofaquinn]

derit sthguoht

you really do know how to hurt me badly. with or without you, grabe. pagod na pagod na ko, sobra, pero nandito pa din yung pagmamahal ko para sayo. i still care about you even though you don’t. my heart still aches sa tuwing nakikita kita. para akong natatarantang baliw pag nakikita kita kahit na ilang buwan na nakalipas. sobrang hirap na hirap na kong igather lahat ng emosyon ko kasi hindi ko na alam kung ano pa bang dapat kong maramdaman. nandito pa din ako sa point na gustong gusto pa din kitang ipaglaban kahit na pinalinaw mo sakin na kahit kailan hindi mo ko kayang ipaglaban. binigyan mo ko ng sobrang daming pag asa at pangako, pero lahat yun binali mo at hindi tinupad. para pa din akong bulag na hindi nakakakita kahit sobrang linaw na. pagod na ko pero lumalaban pa din puso ko. hindi ko alam kung bakit ganito ako katanga. sobrang hirap at nauubos na ko pero pumipilit pa din akong lumaban. pagod na ko, pero mahal na mahal kita. 

[lifeofaquinn]

messed and fucked up.

exactly what the title says. i still can’t believe na nandun pa din ako sa point na umaasa pa din akong may babalik pa. willing ka nga bumalik, pero sa kanya. was I that bad to u for giving me such shit to feel this way? i gathered all my strength and courage para iparamdam sayo na kahit anong mangyari nandito ako, waiting for you. umabot na ko sa point na hindi ko na kaya kasi pagod na pagod na ko. how can you do this to me? from all those reconnections and recollections, wala lang pala yun. di naman masakit. slight lang. but yet, that was so messed up. i want to get mad at you, sobra, but i can’t. di ko alam kung bakit at hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi ko kaya. inis na inis na ko sa sarili ko dahil sinasaktan ko lang yung sarili ko for not getting over you. the hope that you assured me for 3 fucking years is still here. ang sakit pa din grabe. i hate you pero i can’t hate you. ewan ko kung malinaw pero yun yon. the thought is i never gave up on you when you were the worst person in my life, pero nung ako, wow. that is some fucked up shit.

[lifeofaquinn]

day four

Healing is indeed weird. Some days you are ok, some days you feel so much pain in your heart. even though many days, weeks, months had passed, there will always be a day that the pain would still feel fresh and new. the concept of unloving someone is ironic. you can’t just unlove someone, but just accepting the fact that you can still love them even without being with them. this distance made me realize that not everyone is worth fighting for. even if we had the ability to grant every wish we make, i just wish to have every strength and courage to suddenly unlove someone to take this pain away. 

[lifeofaquinn]

day three

people would always listen to one side on every story. it is what they don’t know that would be stuck in their minds as the good thing. hindi nila alam yung totoo sa isang bagay, and yet they still look at the person as a good guy. i never spoke about anything just to keep my peace, pero seeing people see you as the good guy in this matter, makes me feel like shit. everyone acts like everything was okay, when the truth is, pinilit mong takasan lahat even with unfinished business. dinaan mo sa “sige na” “kailangan ko na umalis” kahit hindi naman talaga, kasi alam mo sa sarili mo na di mo kaya. like how mature diba? you even had the audacity to say na dapat maging mature tayo sa ganito and yet you’re the one who is acting immature. ang galing. well, atleast im grateful kasi mas nadadagdagan yung mga rason on why i shouldn’t be looking back at all. every memory was nice and happy, but the idea of you was not even worth a shot. you changed your path para lang sa sarili mo. all you ever said is never mong pinili sarili mo, kaya dibale ng makasakit basta masaya. how selfish of you. you’ve always been known as the person na never uunahin yung sarili, kaya binago mo. pero to the point na kailangan mong makasakit ng tao. atleast itong mga bagay na ito kahit papano, mas nakaktulong sakin na mas magalit pa sayo. sabagay, lahat naman ng sulat ko sayo na hindi ko alam kung isinasapuso mo ba or what, alam ko na palagi kong nilalagay dun na “you make me stronger each day”, and yes, more and more stronger. kasi the fact na mas lalo mong kayang patunayan sakin na you’ve been treating me like shit from the very start is rebuilding my own person. i’m still hoping that the tables will turn someday. tawagin na kong masama pero i hope that karma gets to you as fast as it could.

[lifeofaquinn]

day two

everyday keeps getting better, but still gives me reasons to feel worst. hindi ko na maintindihan mga nararamdaman ko. one day i feel sick and tired, the next day i feel okay. para akong nakadengue ulit na on off yung sakit. i used to question the universe on why can they be so cruel. i just want every piece of emotion that I need to feel to past. hindi ko na kinakaya gumalaw sa bawat araw ko without even having the thought na paulit ulit pumapasok sa isip ko na tinapon lang ako na parang basura. that should have been enough reasons para sabihin na hindi talaga worth the cry yung taong yun, pero i’m still here, the phase na di ko alam kung kailan ko malilipasan. how can he feel that he’s happy after hurting me? it feels like shit, sobra. 

[lifeofaquinn]

day one.

here i am, trying my very best na idistract sarili ko in every minute. hindi ko na alam kung pano ko gagawin o uumpisahan, kasi sa totoo lang gulong gulo talaga ako kung paano ko gagawin lahat. alam ko sa personality ko, hindi ko matanggap na ganun ganun na lang yun ng basta basta. kahit lahat ng tao palaging sinasabi sakin na wag ko na isipin, tanggalin mo na sa isip mo, mahihirapan ka lang sa ginagawa mo na yan. eh ang hirap eh. anong magagawa ko? kahit naman pilitin ko ng pilitin na hindi isipin, palagi ako mabibigyan ng rason para mag isip. mas lalo ko lang talaga narerealize ngayon na hindi talaga worth it na dumating siya sa buhay ko, kasi mas binuild up niya yung pag ooverthink dahil sa lahat ng mga ginawa niya sakin, pero in the end sakin niya sinumbat lahat. pumapasok ngayon sa isip ko kung deserve ko ba lahat ng to. hindi niya na ko binigyan ng hustisya na maniwala pa ko sa kakayahan ko at sa sarili ko, kasi wala naman siyang ibang ginawa kundi iparamdam sakin ni hindi ako worth it. bakit kasi nakilala pa kita? bakit dumating ka pa sa buhay ko? bakit dumaan ka pa? kung iiwan mo lang naman ako sa huli. kung kailan mahal ka na ng tao. dapat talaga nung una pa lang naalarma na ko eh. di mo nga kayang tumupad ng pangako, let alone make another then broke it. i just really hope that the tables will turn someday. hindi man ngayon, pero im really hoping. kasi after lahat ng ginawa mo sakin, you don’t deserve any of the things na nararanasan mo sa ginawa mo sakin. kung mali man tong iniisip ko ngayon, then make this as words of emotions. kasi di ko talaga deserve yung ginawa mo sakin. di ko deserve na nakilala kita. di mo deserve lahat ng pagmamahal na binigay ko para sayo. bawat sakripsiyo, effort, pagmimiss ng kahit anong opportunities, at higit sa lahat, bawat araw na sinabi kong mahal kita. kasi hindi ko deserve lahat ng yun. hindi talaga. hindi ka worth it. you don’t deserve any love that this world can give. you are the worst person that came into my life. i’m begging to the world right now na wag ka nang pababalikin the moment i’m healed. don’t ever come back in my life. 

[lifeofaquinn]

the start of a new era.

FINALLY! Nakawala ka na din! i know that you’ve been thinking about it for how many months already, and then, it finally happened. wag mo na isipin kung sino gumawa or regrets kung bakit hindi mo nagawa, the important thing is, wala ka na sa kanya. you’re free! i know that meron pa din mga times na maiiyak ka, memories lang yan. you can rebuild new ones to someone who can clearly see your worth as a person. he made you feel like shit and ngayon may mukha pa pala siyang lokohin ka? grabe na talaga yung kapal ng mukha niya eh. anw, di mo deserve yan kaya buti na lang wala ka na sa hellhole na yan. he fucked up your life real good, don’t you dare go back to him. hindi siya worth it and di ka niya deserve. you are so much more than what you did for him. he manipulated, gaslighted, guilt-tripped, love bobmed, you name it. lahat ng yan pinaranas niya sayo sa buong span of your realtionship, or rather, relationshit. serve this as one of the biggest lessons in your life. take your time to heal and all will be worth it. you’ve gone through so much, deserve mo magpahinga. hindi mo deserve yung tinrato niya sayo from the very start. tinanggap mo na nga siya, siya pa di naging thankful. napaka ignorante at mayabang. you should’ve saw that from the very start. i know it hurts right now pero think about it, mas masakit yan pag nagtagal pa diba? knowing na niloloko ka na pala. you have every reason to be mad. do yourself a favor and let it all out. kaya nga nandito tayo ngayon sa tumblr eh. let all your thoughts and emotions out. you met him for a reason and a purpose. you needed to be stronger. you needed to transform. you needed to think. you needed to take a rest. mabilis naman ang karma. make that jerk see what he lost. make that asshole see his loss.  

[lifeofaquinn]

not now, but soon...

I’ll soon find someone, who will love me for who I am. I’ll be with someone who can give me so much happiness that I won’t even have to beg for it. Begging makes you feel like shit and you know that you’re in that state right now, but you still won’t make yourself free because of all the trauma you’ve been through. You won’t be alone. Someone is praying for you and you are someone’s dream girl. You’ve been through so much and it made you alone, to the point that he’ll make you his whole world. Days, months or years may have passed, he would still make you feel that it’s the first day. Don’t be with someone who just takes you for granted. He knows that you’ll just come back to him even though he put you through shit. Be the person whose afraid to lose you, even with how many years you’ve been together. Don’t be with someone who just can’t wait for you. You’ll soon feel loved that he won’t even know that you’re so thankful for his existence. He’ll be there for you, every single day of your life. He will love you no matter what happens. Not just by words, but by actions, cause actions speaks louder than words. You’re just in a phase right now. You’ll get over it.     

[lifeofaquinn]

december eight, twenty twenty-one

at this point, hindi ko na lang alam. i tried everything that i could to save myself kahit na nahihirapan na ko, pero wala pa rin. dapat nga wala na kong pake diba? hindi mo na dapat siya sineseryoso kung hindi ka naman niya kayang seryosohin. isa siyang red flag, like walking red flag, pero ayan ka, nagpapakatanga sa kanya. you’re supposed to be in love with someone else. hindi ka ba napapgod? parang lagi mo na nga sinasabi na pagod ka na pero ayan ka pa din. hindi mo naman na kailangan magpakalumpo dun eh. you have every right na iwan na lang yun after every shit he has put you through. you deserve someone na kayang iparamdam sayo na mahal ka at hindi ka sasaktan. time, assurance, love, and respect. he made you feel like shit. di ka ba natatauhan? he always lied to you. he never made you feel na mahalaga ka talaga sa kanya. akala niya yung mga una niyang ginawa, yun na yun. tapos na. pinahalagahan ka na niya. he made you feel like crap kahit na siya nagsasaya doing the things he liked doing. did you ever feel the need to be the strongest? pero he makes you feel weak... sabi ng iba, “madami pa jan” “wag mo iyakan yung hindi worth it”. you are worth of every second, minute and hour of this world. you don’t need to be with someone who would just throw you away like some dirt. you gave the love that you, yourself deserved. stop wasting time on someone who desn’t give a shit about you. gagraduate ka na soon, and its best to put yourself forward. diba mag iibang bansa ka? refresh na refresh yun oh para sayo. you don’t have to think of the things that pulled you down. pero bago ka umabot dun, pull yourself together. lapit na mag 2022 oh. don’t you think its about time to be a better version of yourself? wag mo na iyakan yung mga taong di naman kayang mahalin ka ng tunay. oo iniyakan ka niya, eh ang dali dali umiyak. umiyak siya ng 1 week, tapos. di ka na agad mahalaga para sa kanya. bakit? pride and ego. pero kung tunay kang nagmamahal, alam mong hindi niya kaya ng hindi ka okay. tandaan mo, minahal mo siya sa dati niyang pagkatao, pero ngayon, nagbago na siya. you don’t have to love the person na nagbago para lang magustuhan siya ng tao. di mo ba narealize? ginamit ka niya para maganda image niya, kasi alam niyang kahit panget siya, pumatol ka pa din sa kanya. girl, ganun ka kaganda. pero syempre wag mo na isipin yung negative dun na ginamit ka niya, kasi atleast diba, maganda tayo. you know na kung gusto magbago ng isang tao, di ka niya itutulak palayo. he will change with you knowing na ikaw lakas niya. pero hindi eh, ikaw pa ginawa niyang panggulo. at ikaw pa ginawang mali kahit nahuli mo siya na gumagawa ng mali. diba nga may kasabihan na “nagsorry ka hindi dahil sorry ka, nagsorry ka kasi nahuli ka” ni hindi pa nga nagsorry eh. tama behavior ba yan? hindi diba? mare wake up! di ka pa ba naalarma? napaka gago niya. di mo deserve yon! ayan tuloy nagkasugat ka pa sa kamay, ngayon ka lang nanuntok ng pader ha? ano? kinaganda mo ba? para kang tanga. 

[lifeofaquinn]

random thoughts

September 22, 2020 10:22 PM I’ve decided to start a tumblr account, again. I made like 3 accounts in the past but still never knew how to use this platform up until to this day. But instead of knowing the actual point of this website, I’ll just make use of this as a journal could solve my curiosity (i think). Throughout my life, I never knew what my personality really was. I find it hard to discover the things that I am good at and the capabilities that I can do. A lot of people say that it takes time to see who you really are, and I know that I am still on the process on finding it out. Tried a lot of things that I thought would solve my personality crisis, but failed and never did it again. Got scared and missed opportunities to try out things that I want to try doing. Held myself up thinking that I was not good enough to do any of the things that I love doing. It was always the fear that has kept stopping me from all those things. How can I even stop being scared? When all my life I felt like everything that I do ends up into a traumatic ending. I stopped believing for a while and made myself pounded up to the thought that I can’t do the things that I love doing. I made myself believe the fact that I’ll just fail every damn time. I wore a mask pretending that I am the person who people see and interact with. I know it wasn’t me, I knew that. But the question is, Will I ever discover who I really am? Can I really discover the things that I am good at? Will I feel that happiness that I know that I will feel someday? I know I am happy right now, I feel that I am. But, there’s this empty space in my heart that I know I’m missing out, an opportunity missed once again. I know my reasons and I know it would make me unhappy with surrounding myself with the things that gave me pain in the past.  Did I really made the right choice to not push through with it?  I’ll know when I get there. Not now but I’ll find my answer.