lifeisuhmazeeing-fulloflove

[lifeisuhmazeeing-fulloflove]

Facing Depression & Anxiety

Sorry, for being MIA after graduation.

3 years 6 months after graduating from UOC & came back to my home Sabah. On and off been having different jobs, different group of friends. I never thought I could be writing this right here right now at this time of crisis. But I have things to say deeply from my heart & have been keeping it in to myself not wanting to rant out to anyone or let anyone think I’m a sucker or wanting attention. 

A lot has happened, and not many knows. I had friends, close ones, but then I was being used. Either is to borrow something like my car, my camera, or anything that is valuable to me or to just use me because they know I would say YES to anything. Other than that, I’m just still an outsider that will never ever  be part of what they have as a group FRIENDSHIP. I got to know new friends when I started working, but some of them old friends would just judge me and say “wow you got new friends already and you don’t want us anymore as friends” or “ya ya ya you got new friends already, you’re not the same anymore.” - You know its not easy to be 2 person in 2 different friend circle, and not like you would even ask me to join into your group of friends right? 

Then come working environment, I have changed 4 jobs in total throughout my time after graduation, each of them I put effort into it. Either I’m just too kind hearted or putting a lot of effort in impressing my boss or try to be the best at the end I was taken for granted, I wasn’t “GOOD ENOUGH for them” “You did not do as what we expected you to do (even if I have done TONS of it)” You would never see the best in me. - I cried to myself every night to sleep or sometimes sleepless. Because of that, colleagues look at me differently and they heard what bosses say to them about me “she cant do shit!” “oh well her family very rich one, she don’t have to work also can get money!”. 

I then tried working on my own, doing my own business. It went well at start, I got to earn my own income and more than what I have earned before in my life. I was happy at one point, I got to come up with my own car. But then the problem was still there, friends will despite me make fun of me or judge shame me, saying “ya la, you earn so much you must be rich la show off.” “wah new car oh, your dad bought for you is it?” “aiya, what are you so worried about you are so rich, your family so rich they can always help you back up!” “we are more poor than you!” - No matter how much I tried to explain, no one would believe me or even think I could do it. 

DEPRESSION.

It hit me hard, knowing me myself I wouldn’t be able to take it in and handle it well. I cried, I take a drive out late night on my own without anyone knowing where am I going, sleepless nights, having shakes, hurting myself, having arguments with the people I love, thinking negative thoughts. Everything here that I have mentioned it I have done it. People tend to say things to you that they think its not hurtful, “Eh, YOU GAINED WEIGHT AH?” “Fat already oh!” “you need to loose weight” “why your face so many pimples and scars?” “why so ugly?” - I literally forced myself to loose weight by not eating and sometimes exercise it out even when I have low blood symptoms in me. I faint and out of breathe easily. BUT who cares? NO ONE! No one would care and notice, they would just say: “aiya, you so weak one?!” 

- Sometimes my family despite me as well, why don’t you go out to find a PROPER JOB?!  

ANXIETY.

I suffered a lot of stress and pressure from family and friends. Until a point where I don’t wish to come out to meet anyone and my anger is unusual. I would get mad for no reason or find things to argue about even when its not necessary. I stress eat, insomnia most nights, sudden crying, watch sad videos or listen to sad music, and I have done hurtful things to myself just so I can get attention. I have watched movies/series about all these kind of symptoms related to myself, and would usually watch it on my own so that no one would know how I felt. I’ve had panic attacks before & even for now in the present I still do. 

- I guess that’s why having a pet to me is so much better than having a person beside me. Since long time back I’ve always had a dog and my dog would always be by my side whenever I’m sad, but after not having a dog any more and coming back home I’ve then have a cat. It reads me and always comfort me when she hears me in tears or angry at times. 

Seeing people doing business the same way how I did and yet they get more sales than you are, what’s the secret? They have friends helping and supporting them from the back by helping them share it out and as for me? I had no one to help me share and talk about it to their friends. I don’t have friends... I only have acquaintance, they come when they need me for something, and they leave once they have what they want. I’m just a usage. 

I keep promises, but when I don’t feel like doing that promise today doesn’t mean I won’t do it another day. Yet some people can get super upset and wouldn’t want to talk to me for days or weeks, am I just someone that you just require to have when you’re in a good mood or bad mood? I’m not a mood cheerer just for you, if I cheer you, who’s going to cheer me? NONE! NO ONE GIVE A DAMN ABOUT HOW I FEEL!!! I’m so so tired just to make people happy and make myself so depress and hopeless. I don’t want to be that happy fruit to someone’s basket. 

I could choose to not be your friend, but I’m way too kind hearted to let you in and out all the time. It’s just like how you choose friends to be in your group of friends. Even if one day, I’m gone from this world I would guess not anyone of you would remember me being here on this earth before. Just a name that doesn’t ring a bell as much. 

- It’s true, I am facing these symptoms and I am not just writing this for fun. Treat people equally and love. 

Love,

N.G

[lifeisuhmazeeing-fulloflove]

My Heart Contents

It really has been a while that I have not blog

anything, been busy

with studies and events here in UK.    Taking a break from my assignment writing and it is now 2:49am and still working in the library. Just wanted to have a quick update, just suddenly wanted to blog this, as I feel something deep within me. 

   Something that can make my day go crazy in love and happy is that a special person that I have showed my feelings towards to has now been 2 years of having this feelings towards for, and I still can't take him out of my mind. But just today, he replied me back and having a catch up session even when it is just for 5 minutes. Just a simple text, hello, how are you? how have you been doing? yet still cares, yet the feelings are still there. I can’t believe it has passed 2 years now. Last year this time, I tried telling you that my feelings for you are right, but you rejected. Its fine, I stayed strong and remain as friends first but now, it all changes.     I wish you could tell how I actually feel for you right now. I really want to tell you that I really like you not just because of looks but because of everything: personality, characteristics and your passion! All I wish is that you realise it, my feelings are true.  N

[lifeisuhmazeeing-fulloflove]

#vintage #vintagecamera #vintagecameras #camera #decor #vintagedecor #collection (at Main St. Vintage)

[lifeisuhmazeeing-fulloflove]

Art

[lifeisuhmazeeing-fulloflove]

"6-2"

Lord I've been prayin' For somebody I've never seen And I don't care what he looks like As long as he loves me No I'm not particular But could he have blue eyes Just like the sky And blonde hair Wavy and light And 6 foot 2 is my favorite height But lord I don't care what he looks like I've been gettin' so lonesome Waiting for him to come around But if you're teaching me patience I'm willing to wait this one out I'll be patient But could we meet by The first of July So he'll hold my hand As they light up the sky And marry me on an April night But lord take your sweet, sweet time Whatever you want Is whatever I want I'm not particular So if he has green eyes That would be fine Or brown hair That's quite alright Now 6 foot 2 is my favorite height But lord I don't care And could we meet by The first of July So he'll hold my hand As they light up the sky And marry me oh marry me Marry me on an April night But lord take your sweet, sweet time And lord I don't care what he looks like.

[lifeisuhmazeeing-fulloflove]

Darling Forever Love...

Haven't been updating my summer lately, just because there were so much going on back home, and had to rush back to UK for special reasons. But 2 months back home was worth. Got to spend time with family and attended 2 good friends wedding, though I am going to miss out another one up coming September, but I'm sure ill see them here in UK! 

So any how, I made a special day for my best friends. Though we are not complete with one more person who is in Canada and another best friend of mine did not have much time to take good pictures with me. So here are some summary...

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We had a great time to have a photoshoot, to make everyone happy throughout their days even though it means there are sad moments in life but we will all get through it by looking forward and to just smile along the way...

[lifeisuhmazeeing-fulloflove]

"I Won't Give Up"

When I look into your eyes It's like watching the night sky Or a beautiful sunrise Well, there's so much they hold And just like them old stars I see that you've come so far To be right where you are How old is your soul? Well, I won't give up on us Even if the skies get rough I'm giving you all my love I'm still looking up And when you're needing your space To do some navigating I'll be here patiently waiting To see what you find 'Cause even the stars they burn Some even fall to the earth We've got a lot to learn God knows we're worth it No, I won't give up I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am I won't give up on us Even if the skies get rough I'm giving you all my love I'm still looking up, still looking up. Well, I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up) God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved) We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved) God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it) I won't give up on us Even if the skies get rough I'm giving you all my love I'm still looking up

To the person whom I love dearly, though it may hurt with what you've said to me today, and that you don't feel the same towards me as well... But I am willing to wait, and I know this wait will be worth waiting... I'll be patiently waiting for you to actually feel for me. 

Remember that, I won't give up on us.

[lifeisuhmazeeing-fulloflove]

Littlefinger never lifted so much as his little finger for her. 

[lifeisuhmazeeing-fulloflove]

Summer 2 0 1 4

So its that year again, 1 year and 6 months here in UK, is this particular day that I am looking forward to, SUMMER! I am so glad that my first year has ended just nice and perfect for me to look forward on my summer break back home, which also I'm going home in the next 9 days! 

  More to update, but now I'll be busy packing and moving and all... so yeah... stay put! 

[lifeisuhmazeeing-fulloflove]

520.2014

A day has just past, and it was a special day... Every year it happens once, and everyone literally everyone who understands it usually celebrate it with their couples. Now you got the hang of what I'm trying to say here ;)

  So as they say, 520 means 我爱你 and I love you, Jé t'aime, te quiero. Its just the fact that it rhymes with it.

  I know I don't have a partner or a relationship right now, but praying that one day it would be him that would be my life partner forever, till the days come, everyday all i pray for is that he would notice me and that he will know my heart truly and compassion about how i feel towards him and would fell the same towards me too.

  He is the most sweetest guy I've ever met here in UK, and the first British person that i know has a good heart in people and has a happy family.

  Wow, feels like I've known him for life when I've known him only for like nearly half a year? @.@ but yeah, back to my point; well... I've never thought I would like a person so deeply over and over again after my past few relationships back when i was still a teenager. pfft... kids those days! B: 

  I was scared, to be honest, was scared of falling in love again... Scared of being hurt or hurting someone and regret it for a long time, it took me nearly 4 and half year to actually realised how much it hurt and how much heart breaking it was to actually see those relationship that breaks my heart. Really, maybe that was one of the reason why i couldn't find a proper boyfriend for the past few years... =.="

  I've learned my lesson, and I've learned to let go of my past and move forward, learned to accept my flaws and learned how to be more mature... I've never thought how much it means to me, falling back in love for one person here in the UK. But now what I am worried about is that whether or not he feels the same towards me too. 

  But as to say this, do not put my worries bigger than God, God is much more bigger that could solve my problems in a split seconds, rather than me suffering thinking of how to solve it. I uphold everything unto God, and I trust him with all my heart! 

  Happy 520.2014. <3

Love,

Natalie

xx

[lifeisuhmazeeing-fulloflove]

[lifeisuhmazeeing-fulloflove]

[lifeisuhmazeeing-fulloflove]

[lifeisuhmazeeing-fulloflove]

[lifeisuhmazeeing-fulloflove]

The world is amazing with its stunning views...

2 weeks in an amazing country with the most amazing view, I have finally made my dream/wish came true! Yes, I have been to the most beautiful islands in the whole wide world, seeing the most beautiful sunset you've could never imagine, having a great view of the most creative houses on top of the hill on an island! Santorini, Greece. I've dreamed my whole life of going there, and yes I finally made it... 

Pictures to show everyone...

The most amazing views, yet the most stunning scenery that God created in life... Fell in love with this place from the very start knowing this place, and will love it forever more... My next dream is to held my wedding here, pre photoshoot here, honeymoon here too! <3

[lifeisuhmazeeing-fulloflove]

Friendship for 4 years, since we first met 2010 and things went through a rough patch in between, but things have been misunderstanding through our friendship life, but we managed to get through it and fixed it... Look what has been up to us right now, far distance but still growing strong, we've learned so much and know how to un tie our knots! Friendship for 4 years and still counting! Love and miss you much! Besttie! 😘💙💖

[lifeisuhmazeeing-fulloflove]

Santorini, Santorini, you take my breath away, you surprise me with stunning views, you gave me love in first sight on you, you make me not wanting to leave this place, you make me wanna stay forever and ever, you make me want to have my honeymoon and my pre wedding photo shoot and my wedding to be placed here, just because you're UHMAZEEING & STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL! 💙 @sunrisegreece (at Fira, Santorini)