lifeissoscrewedup-blog

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Help....sadly 

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My story part 4

Well, I matriculated into the course. Year 1 Sem 1 was ok, I made friends, got a gpa of 3.0. I thought I had left all my problems behind. There were some mean people, but somehow, I managed to ignore them. Year 1 sem 2 rolled around, and I was assigned to a group of people, and there was this guy who marked us down for one IT module, and I tried to tank so hard for the other modules. And ironically, there was no peer evaluation for those modules which I tanked. It didn’t affect my grades but since then, I was quite skeptical about group projects.

Y2 SEM 1: My mum noticed I was becoming irritable, so she suggested that I start seeing a counsellor. I went to see a counsellor, and she asked me to go to CHAT for evaluation since I suggested(flippantly) that I might have split personality or bipolar disorder. She was a very good counsellor. Then I started going to see a psychiatrist and case manager at IMH, where it all went downhill. I told them that I suspected people were talking bad about me, calling me retarded and shit. They evaluated me and said I had no mental illness. I thought they would say I had depression or something. They wanted to monitor me for mental illness. No meds prescribed, free to go, but consideration for a 2 year monitoring period. I started losing my shit, started developing sleep paralysis. I felt quite traumatised by the re-telling of my story. I even screamed at the case manager on the phone. At that point in time, I felt very depressed and I thought I might have severe depression by that point in time, if my circumstances didn’t already warrant it. 

I shall end here. More coming up, stay tuned. Meanwhile I am going to post GIFs/other write-ups/daily check-in/pictures.

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My story part 3

I didn’t want to go to a JC, or a polytechnic. I hated conventions and norms, and how I had to wear uniforms, and conform to school rules. Since I didn’t want JC, my mum suggested a polytechnic. She suggested science or accounting, such as biomedical science etc., or pharmaceutical science. Perfumery, Gaming and animation, Food science, were against her wishes, as it was deemed too impractical. As for mass comm, I did consider it, but somehow, I was thinking of myself as angsty teen cum game programmer aka Peter Houghton from 19 minutes. She made me choose all my choices as Accounting, accounting, accounting, to make sure I secured this choice. The rest of my choices, after the 4th or 5th choices were all gaming/animation/IT/mass comm. 

So I had a 4 month break. I got a temp job through an agency, and the pay was extremely low. I had to buy my own uniform, in the form of white tshirts and black pants. Had to buy my own shoes. We were not paid for the one hour/half an hour break, and lunch was not provided either. Strict rules, strict management. I kept making mistakes on the job. I was not a very fast worker on the job, and I was let go. It was a big blow to me. I think I kind of lost my mind at this point. I met my first internet friend, whom I dated very briefly. He was one year older and we kissed. I dated several other guys, and one experience was particularly traumatic. He was a jerk, and I felt really violated. Subsequently, I also went for a fake modelling scam. That didn’t go too well. Those were my two sexual encounters. Some guys were despo for attention or whatnot. Several part-time jobs, some of which I lasted, some of which I left, some of which I was released early. But I just kept going on, and trying to forget the past. Poly came around and it was another beast.

It has been many years, but I feel like crying as I write it. I am so angry, angry at myself, angry at sick people, angry at the psychiatrists for dismissing me.

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My story part 2

Secondary 1 and 2 rolled around. I got into my desired secondary school. Life was great although my cca was quite a busy one, and the dance instructor was quite strict. I tried to make friends with my classmates and schoolmates, and it was fine in the beginning, but I realised, the clique I formed invited another girl, within the first few days of my secondary school, and the girl did not like me. So I left the clique. I tried to make friends with my classmates, but just could not break the ice. Also, I got bullied quite a lot. Like, there was this boy in my dance cca who would say “pui” whenever I walked past. Another guy in my class who would say “eeyur” or “pui”,I don’t remember. Some of my memories are quite fuzzy. It may sound like I am embellishing details, but I am not. During PE lessons, I would sit alone, and pretend to read newspapers, because I was so afraid of joining my classmates to play basketball/any ball games. However, my cca was very physically strenuous, so I was quite skinny then. During recess time, I would sit alone at the recess table, because nobody asked me out for recess. Worse still, during assembly time, my classmates would leave a wide berth between me and them. I felt so awkward and weird. I just avoided everyone and there were some boys making lewd remarks to me. Weirdly, I enjoyed it, and even entertained them. Eventually, I ate very little, and I chose to hide in the library, and munch on a slice of apple/one piece of curry puff for recess, eating secretly, as I did not want to be seen alone. My tuition teacher was quite exasperated with me, as my grades were dipping, and I could not keep up with her teaching pace. Secondary 3 was the start of my nightmare actually. Besides some incidents which I could recall, such as one of my bullies saying that my infected ear piercing was disgusting, and them kicking my ankles on the stairs, my studies was a total nightmare. Some people have invited me to their cliques and stuff, I had friends in my CCA, but I just felt alone, because the bad incidents overshadowed the good. In secondary 3, during the first semester, my grades were ok. But they rapidly plunged to D7s and F9s. I remember that there was one semester where I only passed English, Chinese and Biology. I was crying in the classroom while doing my amaths exam, and they had to put me in a separate classroom. I hid my grades from my mum as I was too ashamed to show it to her. My physics teacher told me that I should not continue taking physics, but I had this misguided notion/dream that I would become a game programmer someday, so I held on to it. He said that I was not as smart as my other classmates, intellectually, in a mild mannered way. My grades were horrible all the way, until the prelims for o levels, where they started picking up. Somehow, during the o levels, due to the intensive revision, and my mum supervising me, my grades looked up. I could go to a JC or poly. I wanted to go overseas. But my parents insisted on the conventional route.

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My story

I will keep this short, and omit details. I was never a fast learner in nursery school, or primary school. My parents were constantly exasperated with me, comparing me to the other children. My mum quit her job because I was so slow and stupid, and she helicoptered me a lot. In nursery school, my teachers noticed that I stared out of the window and I did not fit in with a lot of the children, and I was an outcast. I felt like a stranger when they were playing house. I had to wear glasses when other children did not. In primary school, people often ostracised me and called me siao, saying that I had to take medication. I didn’t have many friends. I also didn’t get division when the teacher taught us in class. My mum said I constantly daydreamed. I was also bullied physically in primary school, like being kicked at my ankles. In primary 5, I was transferred from higher Chinese to normal Chinese, because my mum said I couldn’t cope. So, in this normal Chinese class, there were a lot of bad boys. Once, I ran out of the classroom cause a guy was chasing after me. I left my bag in the classroom and reported it to the principal, and the guy was loitering outside the general office. My pencil case got stolen at times, people threw eraser bullets at me, once, my form teacher asked me to write in blood because I refused to ask someone for a marker. I was very very shy then. My form teacher also confiscated my book twice, when I was reading during assembly. One of those books, I never saw it again. She would demand that I look her in the eye, while she reprimanded me, which was a lot. Maybe it was due to my lack of social interaction, or when I was punished for detention/not bringing homework or something, I don’t quite remember. All I know was that I was very scared. When she held me by my arm, it was quite painful. I was 11, and I started dating guys online. My mum scolded me for being inattentive when I was doing my schoolwork, and said that I could not concentrate, because I was thinking of them. Ironically, I wrote an essay in Chinese, about trying to console a suicidal woman with a drunkard husband and children to feed. Never did I know that I would become one of the suicidal ones.Primary 6 rolled around, and somehow, I felt that things would change, as I grew older somehow.

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Why I chose tumblr

It is a website for those depressives, those people to come together....u know, those people you don’t want to associate with. They will bring you to the dark side. People think they glorify and promote depression, they think its an outlet for them. I have a depressive Instagram too, but I am not sharing, only if I trust you maybe? I tried to write positively about the mental health sector. But I am done with it, I quit the blog. This platform is so versatile, and it allows for easy posting of pictures and videos, and gifs. 

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My recent experience

So yea, recently I cut myself. Went to the polyclinic, and the doctor was not very nice. He asked me how can he help me? Either A&E or referral to the doctor for an earlier appointment. I said I don’t wanna go to IMH, and he asked me what’s wrong with IMH. Went to an A&E on my own volition, and they interviewed me, transferred me to an obs room with several wheelchairs, and a girl at the waiting bay. No beds nothing. Should at least let us wait in the waiting room. They interviewed me then referred me back. 

From my experience, shrinks always diss my feelings.

1. Why are u so negative?/People worse off than you./You just have an adjustment problem./Life’s like that/Things will get better.

2. When you OD or whatever, they send you to IMH. 

why? Why do I always have such bad experiences in the mental health sector?

I can’t die yet, have to finish my schooling. But from my cutting experience, cutting wasn’t as painful as I thought. I have done tattooing, done belly piercing, facial extraction, waxing, eyebrow tattoo etc. I feel like one day I might go soon. And I am afraid I might have to make that leap eventually. Sadly. I am left with no choice.