lexielively

[lexielively]

I Hate

I hate a lot of things, and I do not know why

I hate beautiful things, ugly things, boring things, and fun things

I hate some memories that haunts me

I also hate things that I am afraid that I would never have

I hate when people stare at me, or just glance for no reason

I hate to smile, or show emotions to people who wants to know me

I hate little things like thin paper, or the sun beaming on my face

I hate affection in public, or when two people are madly in love

But do I really hate, or are those my insecurities

Do I actually hate my insecurities, things that make me angry, or sad

Or I actually hate those things

But mostly, I hate how I do not actually know how I feel

[lexielively]

Guilt II

America, hamburgers, fireworks, and baseball

A country with many different cultures, and traditions

It is also known to be the land of the free, and the home of the brave

It is the greatest place to be, don’t get me wrong

We seem to get caught up into the American dream, forgetting

Forgetting who our ancestors were, and what makes us, us

A few people only still knows what nationality they are from a hundred of years ago

As being an adoptee, it is a little different

Being surrounded by ones who only focuses on BBQs, and crabbing makes it hard

Not being in touch of other culture makes me feel wrong with being in touch with mine

In today’s society, it is strange to see someone celebrating a Christmas in January

It makes me feel not normal when learning my native language

This is the answer I was looking for, this is why I feel guilty

Guilty for being an outcrowd, or the black sheep

So guilty that I may quit, and forget

Only remember where I am at now, home

[lexielively]

Guilt I

Celebrating heritage, celebrating where we came from

Dressing in clothes that are similar to our past ancestors

Eating our family secret recipe that was handed down past generations

I’m sure that feels nice, being able to get in touch of who a part of you are

For me, it’s different

When I try to wonder about my culture, I feel guilty

Or even just trying to memorize my birth name

It’s different, because I was adopted

My heart races as my palms get sweaty when I research something about Ukraine

Holding back hundreds of questions that comes up in my mind

Why do I feel so bad for wondering?

Is this a bad thing for wondering?

Feeling so guilty that I erase my search history everytime I mention the country

So bad that I act as if I were born here, and don’t mention that I was adopted often

Trying so hard not to offend my siblings, and mostly my parents

Little do I know I am offending myself the most

I am hiding the truth from myself

Hiding a part of me that no one else I know

Keeping a unique part of me a secret

Hiding my emotions on the down low

Guilt is your worst enemy

It makes you feel ashamed, upset with yourself

Guilt puts you in the state of darkness, where no one else is at

It makes you too scared to express your true feelings to other people

Just wanting to know how to make perogies is terrible

Or asking about their traditional eggs, like it’s illegal

This is guilt

Why do I feel this way?

[lexielively]

Doubt

With the pandemic, and other girls, I don’t know at this point

I am losing hope of thinking that I have a chance

He does not even like my posts, or look at my stories on instagram

Watching tarot card readings hoping that I still have a chance

I am losing hope of thinking that I have a chance

He knows so many girls, and gets noticed by so many people

Watching tarot card readings hoping that I still have a chance

Am I pretty enough, am I his type, or am I even in his league?

He knows so many girls, and gets noticed by so many people

My patience during this quarantine is wearing thin

Am I pretty enough, am I his type, or am I even in his league?

I’m overthinking this, calm down, and chill out

My patience during this quarantine is wearing thin

This guy is too good to be true

I’m overthinking this, calm down, and chill out

Do we have an immediate connection, or am I overthinking this?

This guy is too good to be true

Should I wait a little longer, or much longer?

Do we have an immediate connection, or am I overthinking this?

I feel my energy wearing down

Should I wait a little longer, or much longer?

Why am I keep asking myself these questions?

I feel my energy wearing down

It’s self doubt, I am doubting him

[lexielively]

Changing but Still the Same

Have not talked with my friends for a while

I can still remember the first time I met every one of them

Since then, everytime I am with them I smile

Through all the exciting times we had, they never fail to make my heart drum

Talking to them now feels different, but does not

Instead of talking about just going with the flow of life, we have goals

But there is still our childish selves that we caught

As were making fun of each other’s stomach rolls

Our styles changed, along with our views

We are now our own people, and not our parents

We accept each other for who we choose

We tell eachother how we will still hangout when were grandparents

As we make new friends, we still have each other

As we get older, we will experience new challenges together

We can tell each other how it is so hard being a father, or a mother

Or, how holding our newborn child is like holding a feather

We will continue to change

But we will never forget how together we came

We will always keep making fun of eachother in exchange

But in the end, we will all still stay the same

[lexielively]

• Maybe love isn’t the complicated after all •

[lexielively]

• Photographs are lies until you make them true •