lex-thinks - Tumblr blog

[lex-thinks]

5 fucking years in august. beyond depressing. nobody wants me. i’m disgusted with myself.

i haven’t had sex in 5 months and i feel sad af about it. ))))))))-:

[lex-thinks]

so incredibly lonely. no one’s first choice. no one invites me anywhere. no one’s dying to see me. feel like i have to beg people to hang out with me. i feel like i don’t have anyone. i haven’t been touched in so long. years. i mean the depth of loneliness has no end. im so envious of people that have companionship. i feel like i’ve spent my whole life completely alone. where i spend time with people for a few hours a week and then im just all alone. i want companionship. love. connection. i want someone to want me like i want them. i want someone to want to be around me and actually try to see me. i want someone who will put effort into being with and around me. im so tired of being so completely alone. it’s actually killing me. it’s gone on for my whole life. the most content parts of my life were when i had active companionship. and people make me feel guilty for wanting that while they actively have it. i can be alone, i have been my whole fucking life. humans are social animals who need connection and i have very very little of that. when do i get to connect. when do i get to have effort. i feel abandoned by everyone, by the universe. i feel literally so alone. i don’t feel held by anything. not my community, not my family, not by god and barely by myself. i just don’t want to be alone anymore. i want genuine connection. i’m so exaughsted it’s getting to a point where i am just tired of being tired. tired of this fucking loop.

[lex-thinks]

i’m on the verge of mental collapse

[lex-thinks]

i’m never allowed to just not be okay. i always gotta be good. i’m tired. if im not good im alone. i literally want to die. im so done.

[lex-thinks]

why can’t you fucking hear me

[lex-thinks]

it’s just too much for me. i can’t. i’m tired. i want to sleep for good.

[lex-thinks]

here we go again. its like one sick cycle. i’m running out of brain capacity for it all. i just hate myself. i can’t communicate. i can’t even think about it without my mind getting scrambled. i feel so alone. i feel pathetic. i feel like my 12 year old self again. and as dramatic as it sounds i wholly and genuinely feel like i am in the sunken place. like this hole never ends. like i should just be more positive i shouldn’t be the way i am. i shouldn’t think the way i think. i shouldn’t feel the way i feel. but i do. i feel it all to whole other levels. i never know what’s happening to me anymore. what all these feelings are and where they come from. i am so scared of being abandoned, left behind. so scared people will see me how i see myself: boring, stupid, useless, a burden. i find myself wishing for nothing more than love. wishing someone would come in and see me. accept me. try for me. then i remember how i am, that i am not ready and i find myself believing i’m undeserving, ugly, unlovable. i feel constantly rejected, like a little kid hurt because things didn’t go my way. i see myself and just tsk at it all. like why am i like this. why can’t i just be rational. why does nothing ever go smoothly. opening up never makes me feel any better. people see me vulnerable and it’s like they don’t like what they see. like it’s too much. i find myself dramatic, all my emotions blown out of proportion. but on the other hand i just want to die, i want to cry, i want to yell, i feel in real genuine pain emotionally on a regular basis. i feel like i’m hurtling towards death life flying past me all while i’m just too fucked to get back up. and that i find pathetic. why can’t i just do it. why can’t i just let it all go. why do things affect me. and why don’t i ever affect others. i feel unnoticed. i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i don’t know how i am. i just crave nothingness. i’m so so tired. i want companionship. i want real love. real connection. i want to feel cared for and cherished. i want someone to want me the way i want them. to read me the way i read them. to try for me emotionally even though i’m so hard. i want to believe that’s out there. i want to love myself. i want to be better for myself and others around me. i want so much more. i feel like a divided person. absolutely insane. questioning my own reality. on one hand completely suicidal and on another craving so much more from life. wanting to make it for myself. i am so tired of being insecure. of living a life of mental torment. i want peace. happiness. prosperity. but i just find myself so tired and so paralyzed by myself. my relationships suffering, not taking care of myself, not doing what needs to be done, wanting to die. all of this inner turmoil and self hatred leads me to believing everyone around me is gonna leave me because it’s too much. i feel bad that she’s even around me. i get so angry over nothing because i’m so deeply insecure. and it’s like not an excuse i just like don’t know how to change that. i just don’t even know what to say i feel like shutting completely down just thinking about it. i feel like i never say anything right. like nothing ever comes out right. i never know if i’m being toxic or manipulative and i constantly worry about it. i worry about everything. it’s all just like too much. i just want to go to bed. i just want it all to end. i want to get better and i don’t want to have to do the work to get there. it all feels so scary that i’d rather keep running or die. facing it is almost too much. i don’t even know what i’m looking at. why i am the way i am. who i am. what i am. if i’m even real. if any of this is even real. if any of it even matters if i’m just crazy. if im just dramatic. if im a narcissist. if im toxic. if im abusive. annoying. dumb. fat. ugly. stupid. worthless. no maybe im none of those things maybe im beautiful and worthy and human and allowed to make mistakes no im none of those things. yes you are. no your not. shut up. boss up. be better. you never will be. and on and on and on and on it goes.

absolute hell. and any time anything externally happens i just don’t know what to do. i go into panic mode. i say things i don’t mean or don’t want to say. i start worrying people are going to leave me that this is gonna be it. that it’ll never go back to normal. that i’ve ruined it. that they hate me. i can’t think straight. i almost want to say sorry to the blog that’s how shitty even talking about it all makes me feel. i hate that on the other hand i’m scared to be better i’m scared to do anything other than just freeze and hope life just somehow gets better. i feel like i’ve been frozen for years. i don’t know what happened. i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i’m just so tired. so sick of it. over and over the cycle goes. i don’t know why i don’t get help. i think i’m convinced it won’t work. that even my therapist will reject me. will hate me. will go home and laugh about what i told them. think i’m pathetic. that they only get payed to sit there and listen but they have no personal feelings , no connection. i just want someone to see me. and love me even after that. and i worry that will never happen. i am always holding back my affections and my feelings. always feeling like i say it at the wrong time and say things i didn’t mean. i feel like i come across like i’m attacking people i don’t know. i wish i had someone to actually talk to that didn’t make me feel shitty after. i want someone to hear me and just tell me maybe i’m not like completely crazy and maybe i can get better. idk. i’m tired. my mind is always such mush. idk. ready for the long nap and at the same time not. idk. wish it was not so complicated. wish i could think straight. wish i didn’t feel in the sunken place.

[lex-thinks]

annoyed. that’s the one word i think of rn. i’m so tired of people and their love drama. it’s honestly too much. all around me people are so afraid of being alone and they just end up in shitty situations and then complain hella about it. like i’m sorry but you put yourself here. you jump into something but it’s not easy to just jump out of it when there is feelings involved. i feel as though people around me have a lack of depth because of it. afraid of discomfort. it’s annoying. maybe i’m bitter from being alone for so long. idk. i just wish people would make better decisions instead of rash ones. like think about the big picture before jumping into something. i feel like i can’t talk to anyone either and i find it quite annoying. like trust me i have my own set of issues in regards to love. i just end up feeling mad lonely. and that’s okay in a way it’s just annoying when everyone can open up to me but i don’t feel the same way. it just leads me right back to feeling like i need to pay someone to give a fuck. and that makes me feel even more lonely. i’m just tired, annoyed and honestly at a breaking point but i’m almost not allowed to be there so it’s a total just pull yourself up by the bootstraps type of moment. i’m hopeful things will get better, hopeful that i’ll find a real connection with someone, hopeful that there’s an end to this tunnel.

[lex-thinks]

i feel shitty about life. i’m fucking so tired. i hate the thought of going to therapy because i hate the superficial nature of it. i’m just uncomfortable with all of it. i wish i were just normal. i don’t feel like i can talk to anyone at all anymore. and so that’s what leads me to believe that i really have no choice but to hire someone to care. and that feels really shitty. i feel like people are able to open up to me when they talk to me but i never feel the same. i often wonder what the point of sharing is at all. i feel bad talking to even a therapist, i think about how it must weigh on their concionce to listen to people talk about their darkest shit all day long. and to never share back. it makes me not want to share at all. and it all leads me back to wishing i was just normal. that my issues resolved around my love life instead of my never ending cynism, mistrust, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, depression, dissociation, wanting to end my life, wanting to be cared about but terrified of being too close to people. i feel lost as always in the way i don’t have passion for anything. i don’t want to work. i don’t want to have to do anything at all. i dislike everything. i find everything miserable. i find change annoying. i find myself exaughsting, not worth the effort. i just am so incredibly frustrated to a point where i don’t even want to put it into words. i just want to disappear. i guess i’m starting to get why some people just give up. i’m just so tired. i don’t want to give up though i just find the idea of getting better impossible, and if i did who would i be? who would i be without all of this? would i still be interesting? would i even like myself or would it all be fake? i just hate it all. i’m so angry.

[lex-thinks]

i want to move the fuck out. i am so tired of living in this shitty situation. they got so used to me spending years at kaylas and vitorias and jays and now that i want to spend some time with my friends where i live it’s an issue. “i can’t walk around in my pjs” giving me shit about dishes, giving me shit about literally whatever they can. i’m so fucking tired of it. i want to just get away from them. i feel like i’m very out of the way and considerate. i don’t bring boys or many random people over. i’m quiet as i can be. i try to just stay in my room. and then they give me shit for that. i’m sorry that i exist in your guys world. i’m sorry i take up space. i’m sorry i use the ammeneties. someone uses the laundry once and it’s “don’t do that because we need privacy. we didn’t invite anyone into our lives don’t walk past our bedroom because we can’t close the doors because of the animals. i don’t have my friends up in your space blah blah blah blah” it’s literally 9 pm. you have an entire house to yourself 90% of the time and never tell me when you’re inviting anyone over. often times i’m in my pajamas. and i never complain. i quite literally never complain about anything they do and then they turn around and say i can’t because i live here. when i talk about moving out i’m “not ready” they say they’ll build me a space to live in but i doubt that will ever happen and now i’m afraid to ever ask. i feel trapped and left with very little options. i feel criticized no matter what i do and i don’t feel like i can confront them ever. i can’t even shower if it’s too late because it’s too loud. can’t have the tv on past like 6 notches. don’t leave dishes anywhere. just go to councelling and don’t talk to me because i don’t know what to say. oh you were talking? well i’m not interested so let me go on my phone and ignore you until you go away. let me control your life. let me figure out your problems for you instead of teaching you anything. let me just fucking use and abuse you as i see fit and you won’t say anything about it because i’ll manipulate anyone you tell into feeling like you’re dramatic and a liar. don’t disturb my husband and i, ever. we live in a bubble and you’re only invited when i see it fit. don’t ask us for anything without expecting it to be a huge deal. let us make you feel bad for us paying for things, but never ask you to actually pay or give you a dollar amount and time it’s expected. drive us when we need you to because you live with us and we pay for you so it’s expected. hey if i leave my dishes in the sink, clean them. just do it. be helpful. let me joke about you helping with housework instead of just straight up asking you to help. how am i supposed to navigate this. it’s a passive aggressive household where i cannot win no matter what i do. i feel like i’m living my childhood all over again and i hate it. i feel just like i did then. like i just want to run away and never look back. i’m tired of living here but can’t really afford to move either. like i’m gonna be flat fucking broke. unable to afford much else other than rent and food. i don’t see anyone actually helping me out either or being proud that i did it. they’d criticize where and how i lived. it’s like okay then, i’ll move out and just see ya on christmas. i’m tired of being treated like i owe people something. it affects me in every aspect of my life. i wish she would take some ownership in how she’s affected me instead of telling me she’d be worried about me killing myself if i lived alone. i’m more worried i’ll kill myself here. i’m tired of fucking living like this.

[lex-thinks]

honestly i am so hurt. i’m so done with being a second choice or a back up plan. i’m so done with self sabotaging my life. i’m so done being sad all the time. i’m so done being lonely. i’m so done. i’m touch deprived love deprived and seratonin deprived. i hate that my brain is such a dark place. can’t help but think of the worst today. i feel like no one cares i feel worthless i feel rejected i feel alone. i’m so so so tired i just want to sleep and not wake up.

[lex-thinks]

almost two years. can’t move on.

i haven’t had sex in 5 months and i feel sad af about it. ))))))))-:

[lex-thinks]

it’s so nice to be able to say whatever the fuck i please here! i have it all here and no one even knows. all my deepest shit is right here. better than a journal because this is in the cloud

[lex-thinks]

maybe more than depression is going on here. i feel like i’m going all over the emotional spectrum. i’m not doing good at all rn.

[lex-thinks]

i haven’t cleaned my room in so long. i’m beyond depressed to a point where i don’t even notice it. it’s normal, and that actually makes me sad. i need to get help.

[lex-thinks]

i just had the worst breakdown of my life, mostly on the phone with jay. i’m beyond angry and humiliated. i’m disgusted with myself. i’m confused. i’m mentally all fucked up. and i’m dissosiating. i don’t think he understood any of it and probably thinks i’m overreacting or being crazy, but i’m just not stable. i kept talking to him because he made me feel grounded, he made me feel something when i’ve felt nothing for so long. even if that something wasn’t good i didnt want it to end i wanted to hear him talk to me forever. i’m not doing well at all, i don’t know if i’ve been any worse. it’s all crumbling. everything. my life, my sanity everything. i’m alone and sad and have no one to truly support me, no one to be with when i don’t want to be alone. i’m so embarrassed and ashamed of how i acted but i felt like i couldn’t help it. my mind was going in loops i couldn’t stop talking and i just wanted him to hear me even if it didn’t mean anything, even if it didn’t matter. it feels like the last time i’m going to talk to him every time i talk to him and it makes me so anxious i want to tell him everything i didnt, everything that i couldn’t. what he said hurt me and made me feel like i was crazy, on the phone he made me feel like i was going absolutely insane and it drove me to act even more erratic than i already am. i’m truly loosing it and i’m not even too sure why but i know i don’t want to put myself out there again. all over the fucking place. but after this i’m just going to go with the flow. stop trying to make things happen and just stop expecting things. life is gonna happen and i need to just let it or i’m going to continue to have these breakdowns. i had a 2 and a half hour long conversation with edmond and boy did it make me feel better to just talk to someone who knew what to say and how to say it. to talk to someone so intelligent for a change. he’s a breath of fresh air honest to god. he gave me really good advice and actually listened to me. he is an actual friend. and someone that is actually in my corner and might actually give a fuck. i need to be in better contact with him.

astrology for the day since it was so crazy acurate to how i am

[lex-thinks]

i’m really fucking embarrassed that i did this. the silence is making it a lot worse. like okay i guess i got the message, but i don’t even deserve to be rejected? no text, no call, nothing? my feelings are fucking hurt and maybe this is my karma, but i can’t wait for it to be over. i’m hurting and i don’t know if he gives a fuck. i wish i hadn’t said anything. him not knowing but still talking to me was better than this bullshit. “give me a day or two” “i’ll text you tomorrow” bullshit. maybe the only real thing that was said is “it’s the tequila talking to you” and now that he’s sober he won’t even give me the time of day. we will see if i’m overreacting but i have this feeling in the pit of my stomach saying that i’m not. i hope that i am, i want a second chance, but this is just rude. note to self: don’t put your emotions on the line so far it’s never worked out at all. i just end up hurting myself.