lettingitthrough

[lettingitthrough]

June 9, 2023

As per the title of this tumblr. This is a place to let it through. A sanctuary unknown to all other. Where i can completely and utterly open up. I’ll keep track of everything here, unavertably . And so it shall begin. Let’s see if i can keep this up, because i have claimed to begin many a times before, but never long. Will this time be any different? 

[lettingitthrough]

08/27/2021

This unhappiness, it seek to be absolved by the outer world in its infinite hunger it consumes ravagely To no avail. Nothing will filled it, or change it.  

  Because it was all

              Already Here.

  Yes that was it, I was trying to keep an absolute in the mornings. A scenario that would always fulfilled me, but what works one day, will not work the next. It is a pattern of happiness, I cannot keep. I must let go, of all these wants, to truly float by gleefully.            

 The projected image of something you want to manifest often lead to expectation that cannont be met for yourself, because of the demands of the worlds, but what if your not putting yourselves high enough? What if you could do better? When we look at thing as obligations and do them, for that mare fact, we are being held hostage by something within ourselves. We are going by should instead of by could if you get my drift. And this leads to doing things by duty rather than by wants. The issue come from trying to replicate a previous scenario of your perfect moment where you indulged in the want again and again; preserving it in some sort of vacuum that you can pull out at will to be enjoyed. Unfortunately, that is not the case, for the most important ingredient in the want is their spontaneousness, wants cannot be lead by projected images that we try to uphold. Instead they must come from the moment to moment manifestations of the glorious moment. Dancing in the eternal now, fruitfully in love with you. Endure the drupe that was indulge, as a mother lets her moan out, in the depths of night at the corner stone of an enamored lover, looking how to fuse their barriers a new, please see me as it is, my dear dress in drupe.

  Eternally yours, the moment in you, my beloved you, please be free to …indulge in the eternal now that come from being you in represionless dew. Please be here, and please be now, what joy it is, to be not held back, by the endless drupe that plagues our youth.  

[lettingitthrough]

A Rationale to Dispel Fear.

8/28/2021

                  I can see the fear, all the fear that is projected towards a newborn. I can see it in me as well, and how we go on this unconscious trip guided by this fear. I can see the tenseness, but this is more in me. As I fall in line to other’s projected fears. To conform to them. Well, I won’t.

                The most powerful of this projection to turn me under its guise come from my wife. Of how I would often fall in line and do as directed by her fear projections. Just to not provoke her anger, her grief towards me, but it is all because I was approaching it with the wrong strategy all along. I was blaming her fear… or making her the one to be blame? I could not solve the issue by attacking what she perceived to be her. I need to rationalize her out of it. I would be triggered by others projected fear, and I would be defensive or attacking. I have been doing it all wrong here. What did I just do with Kunthea earlier tonight?

                She was afraid because of our newborn daughter’s insistent sneezing, and gagging up what seem to be liquids, which partially resembled buggers. She was fearful, and wanted to call one of the midwifes. She could not get in touch with Tamara, so we had to call Becky. She only speak Spanish, so had to do the speaking and I just couldn’t speak her fear, but I was falling in line because of fear of her grief towards me. Of course, I felt resistant or resentful towards her for making me do this. I wanted to speak myself out of it, but my speech would had been attacks. However, as I spoke with Becky, realizing that I could not do this. I somehow, spoke words that dispel her fear, of why I knew there was nothing to worry about. Surprisingly, it made complete sense to her and she drops the fear.  My word were not of attacking or blaming, I just shared my rationale. A rationale I did not know I had before.

                This newborn body had been submerge in liquid for months, and now it had come out to the open air. Of course, her body would be expelling liquid through her orifices. Much the same as common scenes in a sci-fi movies, where a person would finally wake up from some sort of submerge cryogenic sleep. Where we would hibernate to travel deep space, to conserve our bodies, we would be put into capsules, submerge in some sort of liquid, very much like a newborn inside her mother’s belly. This adults waking up for this cryogenic-sleep would also suffer from similar symptoms as our newborn daughter has.

              That rationale dispelled her fear. Now if only I could continue to approach all the fear projection the same way, rather than attacking the fear that she identifies with we could process further along into new spaces of our relationship.

[lettingitthrough]

Unexplored Spaces

A whole portion of my psyche screams to me to lay back down, to go back to sleep, imagine how good it will feel. You need to go back to sleep, or you will feel tired and off for the rest of the day.

First it tries the promise of pleasure to lure me, then coercion through fear, there will be consequences later on for not going back to sleep, but this morning, something more profound that all of that lead me to meditate instead of going back to sleep. And now I am here, writing whatever it is that I am writing and the thoughts arise of positing this online, in public display, potentially, because wherever I post it, it will be obscure in the beginning, and I probably won’t share it with anybody, but I wished I could be like these people that constantly speak their minds on podcasts, regardless of repercussions. I guess my biggest fear about that, is my family, most of my family will be oppose or even disturb by the things I really have to say…. So, I stay quiet and I stay safe. Do I even express to myself, I am conflicted, splintered between two things that do not coalesce. Just like a friend who store away dozen of journal of his writings, but none has ever been shared. Victims of their fear… is that how I am? I have shared my writing, but only with individual who I feel could resonate or at least not outright judge or ridicule, who give me the time. Nevertheless, what about family members, will anyone even bother reading these, dialogues with myself? These introspections, I write these words for me and not specifically for anyone else, so what does it matter?

              As I keep writing, it almost seem like the doors will be sealed shut at any moment and I won’t have anything else to write. Isn’t what I am writing right now just filler? Am I writing about anything at all?  If not, then what’s the point? Here, I do not even know how to move forward; well I guess I could just write about my day, yesterday. For starters.

                It all seem very mundane and uninteresting, but it might be worth to take a closer look at the mundane because our hidden machination might be reveal by doing so. I feel like, there is resistance. How do I even spout it out naturally?

Sometime I am just so tired of consuming, I want to be a creator, we are just looking for the next thing to consume, to spend our time, we looking to spend our time with something that consumes our time, we do not engage with our time. I am afraid of everything, I am so afraid, but I still hold firm in my beliefs and integrity and slowly that stand get more firm.

              As the day ended yesterday, I felt a deep longing to get away from it all, to live in the woods, or forest, somewhere. Like I am wasting my life away here. As if no one really sees me, absolutely no one, no one wants to even look…. But maybe I do the same on the instances where someone attempts to show me themselves. In all their rawness.  Sometimes I am so consume by the things I want to consume, so consume by the desire, to indulge in these things, that I ignore the awkward realness that could ensue. The unexplored spaces that lies between our relationships, where any social convention is outdate, or more precisely, irrelevant, or useless. Where you have to stand in that deep unknowing with someone else, with the courage of not covering it up with meek words to distract from the unspoken realness that can be reach. Where we meet our feelings and emotions in the purest forms, where we move towards our spirit, in the center of it all, to commute with God in a matter that defy all logic and intellectuality. If only both of us could fall towards that space. Without restrictions, we could meet the divine.            

                                                                          Inside and without.

                             Amen.

[lettingitthrough]

08/20/2021

                Another day today, happy day. Felt a little off this morning, I can’t quite pin point what.

 Anyways to start the daily check ups through writing and too keep building and tuning up that writing muscle here we go.

              Yesterday, I was exploring Van Leda and concluded that it was curiosity that drove me to her, but I never quite let that curiosity get the better of me. Too many risks, what would Kunthea think and feel. That’s one of the barriers, but even before Kunthea I barred myself from going, hadn’t I met Kunthea would I had ended up going to her? She would had contacted me sooner or later, and I think I would had ended up going to her, because I didn’t had anything else going on.

                Now to explore some instances concerning her. While I was in Baklang, she would call me from time to time, to go an on about god knows what, I mostly listen politely and then say I didn’t understand only to have her repeat everything she just said, to my dismay.  I remember one particular occurrence where I was sitting on the hammock on the back, my chest was burning, with a strong sensation; she had me on her hook. I told her, “Kyom srolang neak” I told her a couple of time, and she was like reassuring me, as if I was doing a good job. I don’t remember if she ever said it back. I was holding my chest tightly; I think I often masturbated thinking of her and I did for a long time. She has that sexual alluring hook.  However, it is weird, I find her unattractive, but strangely alluring at the same time.

              At some point a visited her again, and we all slept together, me her and her two kids, she was next to me and she was coming on to me. I felt the strong sensation in my chest again; I was touching her with my hands, very much getting into it, until she started to suck on my nipples aggressively and massaging my member. A foul smell started emanating out of her mouth, soon after she attempted to come in for a kiss, and at that point I turned away, the smell was a complete turn off and jolt me out of  whatever trance she had me under. It smelled foul, rotten, I attributed to death. I turned around, laid face down and fell asleep, while feeling her astonishment and confusing as to what was happening.

                I left unhindered by her the next day, but of course she still lingered in my sub-conscious.

                There was a weird instance once, when I was staying in paddy bamboo in the town. She called me and seem to be chanting, or casting a spell, in that same phone call she said she had visited a priest regarding me, probably some love spell, I believe.  

                When Van Leda found me and Kunthea walking on the streets of Phnom Penh, picked us up and took us over to her house, we stayed there for almost a month. Now, something happen when we were in her house and she change and put her dress and pretty herself up. There was a very strong attraction, none like I have felt before, almost like something was pulling me toward her literally from my chest. It was almost psychedelic I did not know what was happening, but I was curious to dive into it with no reservation. That night I slept with Kunthea, but she was saying she would leave tomorrow, to give me room to explore this. I was okay with this, even looking forward to it, I wanted her out, even as she cried her eyes out there next to me, I did not care. At some point during that night, I snap out of that trance and thought, “Wait, what I am thinking?” The effect of the spell got completely cut off, and I could see clearly again. The attraction toward her completely subsided and as I recall during the duration there, it never came back. Eventually we ran away, because we could not take her craziness.

                Even after that incident she still linger in my psyche. And again I had to confront her, during a dark time in our relationship. I stayed in the room that morning and sat with all the thoughts and feeling rushing through. I wanted to get away on my bicycle and make my way towards her, but instead of doing that, I sat and meditated. I had a very powerful experience and sensations, all the way down my crouch area, very strong erection and vivid imagination. I saw myself living with her and making a life together. Being a parent to her two children and all sorts of moments together, everything that could had been? Walking in a field together, getting married, all inserted thoughts. It was a very powerful thought injection that I had to work through. Even today, there are still echoes of that, calling me back, but when I stop to really think about it and feel into it. There is nothing to it.

              I sincerely believe she put some sort of spell, or hex on me.

 After some light research, I found a passage that describe what happen that night over the phone. The moon was full and she did chant an incantation. That must have been the love spell.   Part of me wishes that I had explore it mechanization deeper, because there were powerful feelings, but at the same time those feelings felt foreign, but I guess it’s exploration would had always ended up in the same place, once I smelled the foulness of her mouth. Well, whatever, I think that it for that mystery, let’s play some Runeterra now.

[lettingitthrough]

08/19/2021

 Okay, so in attempt to be more organize I will keep separate files for different days. Instead of mindlessly being consume by consumption I will try to be mindfully engage in the writing of words. Now for today what can we attempt to express out?

              Yesterday, I started exploring the nature of Van Leda in my psyche, the way that she still lives inside me. In addition, how sometimes I indulge in fantasy in what would had happened if I had stayed there and completely succumb to her. It has always been very bizarre, the phenomenon of her and the contradictions sitting inside me, regarding how I felt or feel about her. What do I feel about her and how has that evolve? Do I deny how I really feel for her?

 Let us explore back in the beginning, initially there was no attraction whatsoever, and I was not particularly taken by her looks in any way. It was her constant advancements towards me, I was treated like a king there, even at the end of the day, how she would sneak into my room to leave a plate of food, I was overfed and I felt like I had to eat to be polite. I was so confuse and out of bounds back then.

              One night, I came back home late, and she came to the room saying how tired I must be, and started giving me a massage. She sat right next to me on the bed, she kept massaging me, expecting that it would eventually escalate, but I was not interested in any escalation at all. She started crying, and I tried to comfort her, and hugged her, she tried to kiss me but I denied it. These advancements would continue and she would steadily get more forward. I would be in my underpants and she in her sleeping gown, in the dark, she would come in to give me massages, one time she put her hands down my pants, to stimulate my member, until orgasm, right before orgasm I removed her hand and got up. She would never be offended at my resistance. She would understand that it was because I had Ariadna back home, but really, it was because… why did I reject her?

                What provoke me to stop her from making me orgasm? Does it has to do with fear? Was I scared of something? No, all I’m grasping on here is blank, I have absolutely no idea, or anything I can articulate. There is a faint feeling… nothing more, I can’t pin-point a word for it, a great big unknown. Maybe that’s all it is, a fear of that great big unknown, because what if I had orgasm right there on her hands, that a big space of vulnerability, to be that expose with her, I couldn’t bear it. And she has this kind of predatory vixen energy, maybe it was an instinctual response, to keep me safe, from her predatory tendencies. However, at the same time, there is a part of me that is curious for what would had happen, because there are powerful energies at work here and a lot of the hentai I indulge in center around this type of phenomenon, of going into that completely broken expose space, of surrendering into the bodily orgasms? Again, this is a state of complete openness and vulnerability where anything can enter your psyche energetically, because  your shields are down.

              A part of me wonder what would had happen if I had stayed in that house longer than I did, with her constant insistent attempt to come in. Would I had let her come in eventually? How would that had felt? Is it mostly curiosity that drive me back into fantasizing into what would had happen? Because these are entirely new feelings that I have never explored before and I really am curious about them.

That was mostly the drive that push me to go back, but never quite did go back. Now it’s too late for any of that and I am left wondering, will I wonder for the rest of my life about what could had happen, what would that experience be like? It is not love or attraction that drives me back to her, but curiosity.

              I often say that it is like she place a spell on me, I would get inexplicably strong sensation in my chest, similar to what is describe in dark-side of cupid, a love bite. Maybe that was the true nature of this, and I had enough intuitive knowledge to pull myself away from that and not fall for it….