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I blame my sister for my dad dying. Her and her husband's inability to do basic maintenance on their car lead my dad to have to leave the house to help them. He got into an accident and was gone before help could get to him. He wouldn't have left if they didn't need help. It's my sister's fault that my dad is dead and I'll never talk to her again.

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Every time I think about the fact I even considered an abortion I feel so fucking guilty. I love my baby. So many women have miscarriages and I considered not having my baby. I hate myself.

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I feel like I'm the only one that cares to keep the house clean or even clean it in the first place. Why is it so hard to put stuff back where you found it??? Especially if it's not your stuff? I'd like to be able to find the things that belong to me.

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Found out today that my sister went to be with my dad on Christmas.

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I have to stay here for my kids.

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I've been through a lot of "firsts without my dad" this year, and while I know there will be many more.

My babies had a great Christmas and now all I can do is sit here sad cus he's not here.

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I was disappointed that no one wanted to throw us a baby shower but it's a whole new disappointment when you get me all excited to have one then decide you want nothing to do with it.

No ones coming tomorrow. But I'm still making cupcakes and we're gonna go to the park like we planned. This baby deserves a baby shower too.

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I hate the way i genuinely hate my kid sometimes. She woke up and immediately wanted to hold my hand, follow me to the bathroom, watch her videos, be up my ass. And all I wanted to do was punch her in the head. Not in a haha ur annoying but like maybe if I punch her hard enough she’ll go back to sleep or atleast leave me alone. 

I should not be a mom and I’m 10 days away from having another kid and I know I’m gonna have ppd again. My house is a wreck and instead of doing anything about it, my husband says in his whiny little voice he does “im sorry when baby gets here I promise I'll be better about the dishes”  No you wont. If your not on top of them now then how is having a baby gonna change that. And he makes an even bigger deal if I try to do the dishes. “I’m sorry I haven’t done the dishes, I feel like a bad husband.” as if not doing something makes u a bad husband/person. I don’t complain when things aren’t done but maybe I should start. I clean the house while hes at work and by the time i get home from work at night you can’t even tell I did anything. 

I don’t want to do any of this anymore. I want to get in my car alone and drive off a cliff somewhere. But I refuse to let anyone else raise my kids. There’s one night I couldn’t sleep and I was so fucking overwhelmed.. all I could think about was how easy it would be to kill my daughter, then my husband, then myself. I got up and sat in my car: better to walk away. Then what if he wakes up and sees my keys gone and think I left him and my daughter. I’m too worried about how things will make other people feel and not enough about how I feel. 

This isn’t written in anger. I am desperate for someone to genuinely understand the scary thoughts that run through my head when I’m overwhelmed but if I tell my husband I get the whiny voice and no genuine support cus he’ll never understand it. 

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I don't have 60,000 for school. How the hell do people do this????

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My dad's accident in January has me scared of being in the car. It's been months and this is just now coming up and I don't get why. Other than I'm scared that he was scared or in pain. What happens if I die? Who gets my oldest kid?

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fuck this hurts

Dad, I keep thinking about the crash that killed you. Did it hurt? Were you scared? I hope you died on impact like they want us to believe. It’s the least painful answer. Did you think of us? Were you ready? Did you have cancer like N says you may have?  Daddy I just need to know you didn’t hurt and you weren’t scared. 

We’re gonna have a poem read instead of our dance at the wedding. I wish you could be there. I need you there. You’ll never get to meet the new baby. I wish bug would have gotten to spend more time with you. 

I can’t watch football anymore. Bug loves it but your not here watching with her and I hate it so fucking much. 

I need you back...

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My mother doesnt understand how much anxiety she causes me. 

I get the keys to my new apartment on friday and i have to tell her im moving out. She doesnt like the guy im with and i dont care but she doesnt ever stop sharing her opinion on everything. i already know shes gonna ask what i plan on doing about a car cus she thinks that just cus she cosigned for it she gets to control where it is. I pay for it and have been paying for everything for it since i got it. But heaven forbid she help me without trying to use it to control me. I also have to tell her im pregnant. Im 17 weeks and she has no idea. how she reacts with determine if she stays in my kids lives. I dont know if i want her to anyway... 

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This stupid bitch is selling all of my dads stuff. He hasnt been gone a year and shes already trying to erase him. She never loved him, she told me so. She told him if he didnt make the money he did she wouldnt be with him. She abused him in more ways than one and i want to see her rot in jail for how she treated him. Ill never see anyone pay for his death. The stupid bitch that hit him then got to go home to her family will never even see hand cuffs. everyone else lived except for the man that deserved to. I wish he would have moved in with me and gotten away from that cunt that didnt appreciate him. She used him. She chose the cheapest option and no service then had the audacity to get mad when the family that loved him had a celebration of life without her. she is a horrible person and her family will never see it. So i write anonymously because trying to tell her family the truth will result in nothing but her getting drunk and harassing me again. i shouldn't have had to block my dads facebook but because she decided to use his phone months after his death to harass me i had to block anything of his she could use to contact me. I cant wait for her to die. 

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Tired

My boss asked me yesterday, why I’m so tired when I’d just started my shift. I told him “I don’t know, I’m always tired.” But that’s not the truth. How do I tell him that since January 1st I haven't slept more than 3 combined hours a night. That I know it’s been since January 1st because that’s the day I got a call at work that had me screaming so loudly in the bathroom that I didn’t need to use my headset to tell my manager I needed to leave. Earlier that day my dad was murdered died in a car accident in which everyone else involved got to go home to their loved ones, and even if he had survived the person he would have gone home to someone who didn’t love him like he deserved... didn’t love him at all. I raced home, calling my mother on the way to tell her to meet me outside only to collapse in her arms as soon as my car door opened. I replay that night and the helplessness I felt every night that week, knowing I couldn’t do anything but wanting to rush to him none the less. 

How do I say I stay up every night crying for someone I’ll never have back. That I make sure to hold it all together during the day because my 2-year-old doesn’t understand why mommy’s crying and it scares her. That I’m scared I’m going to snap from the sleep deprivation and be baker acted again, resulting in my daughter being taken away. I can’t loose her too. So I cry at night, I feel everything when I’m alone so no one knows just how bad it hurts. The only way I’ll ever hear my dads voice again is through videos. I’ll never get that strong suffocating hug again. He’ll never cry for me to stay with him again. 

I don’t believe in god or heaven but there’s got to be something after life. He’s got to be there, somewhere, watching us try to figure out how to keep going without him. 

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Dad im tired of thinking about you every day. I feel like I cant physically cry any more and I just go numb. If someone asks I say I was thinking about you, casually, so they dont know how badly I hurt.

In front of people I try to act like Im okay, but as soon as Im alone all the thoughts of the things we'll never get to do together hit me so fucking hard.

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Im angry. Im sad. I know I need to greave him but it just makes me feel like I've hit a huge set back with my depression. I feel like I need to cry but I always feel like Im being dramatic, like life goes on so I need to accept that hes gone and move on. It doesnt help that I surrounded myself with his things.

I need him

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“Some old wounds never truly heal, and bleed again at the slightest word.”

— George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones

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Dear dad

I cant shake the feeling i had when she told me you were gone. I kept saying "no hes not" and it took everything in me not to scream. Your not supposed to be gone. Im angry. I want someone to blame. At first i blamed the other driver. "She killed my dad" kept going through my head. Then i went to blaming R, that he should have known how to jump start his own car so you wouldnt have been driving to go help him.

N says you may have had pancreatic cancer. Why didnt you say anything? You fought so much by your self and tried to stay stong for everyone else. Were big girls now dad. We can handle it. But i cant handle you being gone.

D wont let us see you, have that closure. I probably wont see anything of yours ever again. She swooped in and cleaned out your desk cus she knew i wanted to. I want those pictures. A is talking to D to try to get us girls something of yours and some of you.

If i get any ashes im gonna put them in a tattoo and the rest in a necklace.

I keep waiting for you to call me. Or someone to say your not really gone. I think im okay then i start thinking about all the things that will never happen. We were gonna move back down so you could be part of Bugs life. Youll never walk me down the isle. But ill be sure to save you a spot in the front. Ill have a moment of silence for you. Ill tell Bug all about you. I miss you. So fucking much. I dont know how im going to do this without you.

Your not supposed to be gone.