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Day 605
Hi Momma.
It’s obviously been a long long time since I came here and posted. It took my a solid 15 minutes just to get logged in because I couldn’t remember what the email address even was. I’m sorry. There have been so many changes since I last typed. It’s been so long since you’ve been gone.Everything is different. Not necessarily in a good way. Even though Danielle and I have moved ahead a little bit in life, things in my life are still hard. You would be disappointed to know that I am still in credit card debt. I don’t know why I can’t stop myself from filling the void I feel in my life with stuff. I mostly spend on takeout. I just don’t feel like cooking most of the time and I am just a ball of stress. All the time. We have moved out of your house. Doug is there all alone and all the time. Except for Tippy, of course. He quit his job over a year ago and hasn’t been working since. He’s kind of acting like Grandpa and spending a lot of money. Our house is nice. I think you would like it. It’s a townhouse in Athens and I keep it really clean. I clean all the time. It’s mostly where my emotional energy goes. If I have a bad day or a good day. If I am stressed or if I am happy. I clean. Danielle says I clean too much but I can’t stand to have a messy house. It’s mostly because of our puppy. Her name is Juniper. We took her to the waterfall where we placed your ashes to introduce you to her as much as we could now that you’re gone. She was so small then. I put her in my jacket because she was cold since your birthday is in February. She’s very hyper and has such a sweet soul. We adopted her at 2 months old from the humane society in Athens. Danielle chose her. She has been sick lately and it has really made me think about you. I love her little soul so much. It scares me so much to think that one day I will lose her. Losing you has devastated me. I am not the same person I was. Lots of people come to me for advice on what to do when you lose a loved one. I still don’t have an answer for that. I try not to think about how much it still hurts that you’re gone. I can’t even believe it. Still. It’s strange that I feel like you’re not really gone even though I know you are. It’s hard to have to keep so many of my feelings in because letting them get into my head really makes it difficult to do anything without welling up instantly. Danielle has gotten to the point where if I start to feel sad she tries to distract me which is sweet but sometimes I just need a few minutes to let the wave crash over me and then I can pretend it doesn’t hurt anymore until the next time it’s too much to ignore. I think about your absence every day. The only person that knows how it feels to lose you as a mother is Cassie. She doesn’t really talk to me anymore. She will have a get together and not invite us. I asked her about it and she always blames it on it being last minute plans but I think it runs deeper than that. She isn’t the same anymore at all. She’s on medication but I don’t think it’s good. The last time I saw her she was spaced out of her mind. She’s not happy at all. The boys are growing up so fast. Jayden has a girlfriend and has had his first official kiss. He’s also second chair trumpet in the band. I found that out through Facebook because again, Cassie doesn’t include me in things anymore. I barely feel like I’m part of our family anymore. Things fell apart without you. Chase is growing and growing. He graduated first grade and looked so cute in his little cap. In a few years I’ll be graduating, too. I re-enrolled in college for my business degree. It’s just a few classes at a time so I can still go to work. I can’t continue to barely scrape by forever. It’s too much to bare. I know you always saw potential in me. One of the best days of my life was the day that you came to my first college campus with me for orientation. I was so proud and I knew that you were proud of me, too. I want that feeling again. I want to succeed in a way that would make you proud. I need to come type here more often because I can speak candidly in a way that I can’t in real life. I feel like maybe I should see a therapist because who knows if I am dealing with losing you in a healthy way. At least I can kind of speak to you here. Kind of. I miss you. I love you.
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Day 29
Hi Momma.
It’s been over a week since I wrote to you. I hate myself for it a little. Mostly I have been really caught up in working and being worried about money. I’m not feeling like I am getting anywhere in life. I used to be so motivated to do things and be in shape and now I don’t feel any of those things. I don’t want to become one of those people that just is complacent with life and just floats through it all with a good enough job and a good enough house or place to stay. I’m tired of things being hard. I’m sick of living pay check to paycheck and having buyer remorse when I but groceries. I have been really bummed out lately. I am relentlessly sad about you being gone. It’s still unbelievable to me that you aren’t here to talk to. I could really use one of your pep talks. You always knew the right things to say. It was never hard to come to you and tell you that I was sad or that something was weighing me down. I’m not sure anymore how to find motivation when the motivation well is dry. I know Danielle is getting frustrated with me because I am not very jazzed about becoming better than what I am lately. I just feel depressed. I’m afraid that I am going to sink into a dark place and I definitely don’t want that. I don’t know if I need a sign or what but I just feel like I have no direction anymore. If someone was to ask me what I want for myself in 5 years I have no idea. I have no real short terms goals, either. I sound like one of those people that just sits around for their whole lives and doesn’t do anything. How did you keep the will to keep fighting for so long? I feel like I have no right to complain about anything because you fought so hard for so long against forces MUCH greater than the little things that have got me down. I just get up, go to work, come home, cook dinner, watch TV. It’s all so mundane. I don’t work towards my goals every day. I haven’t gotten back into school yet which was definitely my goal by now. I don’t even know where to start. I don’t think the sign or the kick in the ass I think I need is ever going to come. It’s going to come down to me just picking myself up off the floor and getting it done, but for right now tonight all I see is gray.
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Day 19
Hi my sweet Momma.
It feels like it has been years since I talked to you. I wish that every time I walked out of the room your smiling face was there to say hi and I could tell you that I love you. You are on my mind constantly. I’m not sure how exactly grieving is supposed to go. I have been a lot more emotional lately. It kind of feels like I am going backwards instead of forwards. It’s a mine field of emotion and everyone doesn’t know how to talk to me and they ask how I am. There is so much I could say to that but I just tell them that I am okay. That’s becoming less and less the truth. Doug said he thought he saw you last night as he was drinking orange juice (out of the jug, I bet lol) and that he felt you give him a hug. Danielle says she thinks she saw you, too. I would give anything to hug you again. They were always my favorite. I have been making mistakes at work, kind of. Just forgetting a little thing here and there. Luckily my partner is a very understanding and nice guy and doesn’t say anything about it. He knows without asking that its been hard for me. It’s getting harder, too. I came back to work right after you were gone. I know I technically had 2 weeks off when you were sick and then again when I went on my honeymoon. But it wasn’t exactly alone coping time. It was busy go go go. I would love just a day alone without chores and a to do list to just lay and be with my thoughts. It’s probably not going to happen but a girl can dream. lol
I miss you Momma. I will every day for the rest of my life.
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Day 18
I hate this. I feel helplessly sad. How can I even handle this? Sometimes I feel like I can do this and that maybe if I deal with things as they come I will be alright. This is not one of those times. Doug keeps leaving the reading lamp above your recliner on at night like you used to do. It just illuminates that empty chair and some nights I feel like it’s perfect and sweet that its on but tonight it was too much for me to take. I had a breakdown. Danielle was right there just like she has been. I don’t think I could make it through this without her. I am going to mail those birthday cards you addressed to those people. I am going to include a note that you made sure that they were addressed and sent before you were unable to send them. I can’t hardly see the keys to type. I have to go, I love you Momma.
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Day 17
Hi Momma. I haven’t written to you in 3 days. I have typed and deleted an excuse for it 3 times now, and the truth is I really don’t have one. I spent all of Thursday afternoon and evening making a wand for my friend at work Scott. He and his girl were going to a wizard party and he was upset that he didn’t have a wand to take. I looked up the tutorial on how to make one and it looked like a lot of fun so I went to Michael’s and bought the supplies for it and by the time I was finished almost accidentally hot gluing my fingers together and got it finished I just fell into bed and asleep. We had your funeral yesterday morning. It was really really nice. Cassie did most of the leg work and it was beautiful. I got up and gave my speech that I posted on here and it was really hard. I read it out loud to myself to practice making it through without tears. I made it through (kind of) but I got pretty choked up. Cassie got up and spoke, too. We burned the candles that were Babas and that made me cry too. Jayden, Chase and Doug in place of Wyatt sent off balloons for you. Jayden tied a note to his. I’m sure that even though balloons can only make it so far in the atmosphere before they explode you knew what his note said before it ever got tied around that string and floated up above us. It’s been really hard to be without you. I am running out of distractions. Even though I have been faced with the reality of this many times since you died, it still feels like you are going to come home at any time. You were right about having the urn in the house. I know you are physically here but I hate the thought of spreading your ashes and having you be really truly out of our presence. I know you said you didn’t want to be an albatross and have to be kept around but it’s going to be so hard to finally let go. Sometimes I will go into your office and just sit and look at your handwriting. Look at how you organized things. How the tape and the glue are right next to each other. There are some cards scattered under the desk and as much as I want to pick them up I don’t because I know that they were placed there by your hand and I hate the idea of undoing something that you did. That’s silly, probably. I love you Momma.
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Day 13
We are here today to celebrate the joyous life of an incredible woman. My mother was known by many different names. Mother, wife, sister, grand-mother, best friend, daughter, Kibbie and Tina. Regardless of how you knew her, I am confident that you knew of her unwavering strength.
My mother faced obstacles that for a normal person would have inhibited the possibility at a fulfilled life. Tina Strong was not a normal person. She was an extraordinary person.
I have watched cancer take many things from her, but there are some things it could never touch. Her willingness to comfort others, her optimism and her wicked sharp sense of humor.
The biggest lesson my sweet Momma taught me is MY secret weapon when things seem the most difficult and overwhelming. No matter how bad things seem, they are never THAT bad. There is always a silver lining, and it almost always involves humor. Here is an example.
“ Well, the doctor said my hair is going to fall out again. But think of the fortune I’m going to save on shampoo!”
I have always viewed struggle in my own life through rose colored glasses because they pale in comparison to what my mother has dealt with in her time here on earth. In learning to see things this way, I have learned how to be a more humble person and I too have that relentless optimism.
Make no mistake that 25 years of fighting cancer teaches you a thing or two about longevity and emotional wellness. We can all learn from how she conducted herself in the face of adversity.
So look at the world in a different perspective than you did yesterday and greet every difficult situation with the goal of finding your silver lining.
I have heard my mother laugh far more times than I ever heard her cry or complain, and that makes all the difference.
Mevlana Rumi said, “Everyone is so afraid of death, but the real ones just laugh; nothing tyrannizes their hearts. What strikes the oysters shell does not damage the pearl.”
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Day 12
Hi my sweetest of Mommas,
I feel like you haven’t been here for so much longer than it has actually been. Time is moving at different levels in different parts of my life now. Before it was basically all the same speed. Things with Danielle are basically the same though. Work seems to be moving much slower. Time at home is standing still. It’s like we are in your time capsule just waiting to have you open us back up again. The air in the house is so sad. It’s all I can do to not have a breakdown every day. I’m sure Danielle wants me to not cry anymore. Lol I’m sure you do, too. I was exhausted by work today. It’s probably because I haven’t been back in the swing of things for so long. I’ve only been at work total of I think 3 days since you went to the hospital. Danielle and I came home around 5 and fell asleep to take a “nap” and ended up sleeping until 7:30 pm. Sheesh. So much for a short nap. Now we will likely be up all night. lol I miss you. I know I say that everyday but I really mean it. Danielle put your hat on top of your ashes jar. I think that it’s perfect and so cute. I love her Momma, and I’m so glad that you loved her too. We do fight a lot, and eversince you told us not to go to bed angry we haven’t. That is marriage advice I will never forget and I will tell my kids the same thing once they get married. Your funeral is soon. I feel like I’ve gone through stages in accepting that the end of your life was really the end. When we took you to the hospital it was like I couldn’t believe it. I have seen you come out of dire situations before and it felt like you were just going to surprise all the doctors and add another chapter to your hospital papers. Then when hospice officially took over it really hit me that it was real. That it was going to happen. Then I had the hope that you were going to start feeling much better and that your kidneys would magically come back to life from sheer willpower. It wasn’t until you lost the ability to communicate that I had to stop fooling myself into thinking it would be okay. It wasn’t okay. And I’ll never feel okay again. I had been staying up all night every night with you, and it was 3 days since you had last said something to anyone. You had what they call terminal restlessness and you were too agitated to say anything anymore. I went over to your bedside and laid my head on your bed and placed your hand into mine. I cried and cried an apologized because I didn’t spend more time with you once I was home. I didn’t pick my head up once and I felt you squeeze my hand hard twice. I am absolutely sure you knew we were all there even though medically they say you probably didnt. I don’t believe that. I love you Momma.
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Day 11
Hi my sweet Momma.
I showed Danielle your ashes today. It’s a lot of calcium in there. Bones and stuff I guess. I am laying under the blanket that didnt dry in the dryer because it balled all up in there. It’s that annoying dampness that makes you feel sticky. We stayed at home for most of the day today. We went out for a while and got the ingredients for that drink that we tried on our honeymoon. The blueberry one? It tasted just like it! I was very pleased with myself. When we got home Tippy had gotten into our room and completely ripped apart the packaging to Danielles beef jerky and eat all the rest of it! She looked pretty guilty for the whole rest of the evening. We did several loads of laundry today and we went to the tattoo parlor and talked to the artist that did our tattoos about fixing my tattoo. It looks pretty old and rough. I’m starting to hate it a little bit. He said that he will fix it for me! I am so glad too. It was done at a rival tattoo shop so he is really excited to fix it. lol We go back to work tomorrow. I joked earlier that I don’t even remember how to do my job. Haha It feels like so long since I have been to work. I was back for just a few days and then I was out the rest of the time with you. I really need to start working as much as I can so I can focus more on getting this stupid debt paid off. I have wondered what is going to happen to Doug when we move out. It is pretty heavy n my heart. I remember you telling me that he cant afford to live here without you. So I’m not sure what is to become of things. I miss you so much. You always know the right thing to do all the time and I feel like even though Cassie wants to be the matriarch of the family I have to because she functions at a lower level than I do sometimes. When we were at her house yesterday she said that I am actually HER big sister and the more I think about it the more that seems true, I just can’t bring myself to let her walk all over me anymore. It’s really hard to stand my ground when I know that it could lead to her having a meltdown and having a big fight and her ignoring me again. It doesn’t feel right to have that happen when I know you fought so hard to have Marilou in your life. It’s just the right thing to do. I am always the bigger person. Sometimes being the bigger person isn’t easy at all. Family is complicated.
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Day 10
Hi Momma. We just got home from the Haunted House with Evan. It was super scary and I lost my watch that I bought special for the wedding. So I am very sad about that. Cassie Danielle and I went to the wedding venue this morning and gave the lady our deposit. Cassie and I had some differences of opinion in the process. I wouldnt let her text and drive and she got mad at me and was in a mood for most of the drive. I’m having trouble with her acting selfishly and ignoring anything anyone else has to say. Danielle sees it and I have realized that I let Cassie walk all over me. We went over after we got back from the venue to design the program for your funeral. Even though she asked me my opinion about things she shot down every single thing anyone said. I got frustrated and gave up trying to help because she is making everyone feel like you’re only HER Momma. I wish you were here to talk to about any of this. I’m sick of her taking over everything and forcing her way or the highway. I have been typing to you everyday Momma. It always makes me feel better. Even though I can’t talk talk to you it’s still comforting to pretend like maybe I can. There’s things that I could talk to you about that I could never talk to anyone else about. I miss you. I miss you so much. Danielle too. Doug is keeping busy which is a good thing. I wish he would take care of the dishes the same night e makes them, though. lol Wishful thinking, I’m sure. In the car today Cassie played a video that she took of you talking about bills and things. It was the first time I had heard your voice since you died. It was hard to keep it together. I miss you telling me you love me. I miss you calling me little names and wanting to hear about my day. There’s so many things I feel like I still need you for. What am I going to do when I have kids? How am I going to make sure they know you? I know that passing on the lessons that you taught me is the best way, and to always greet things with optimism. I am going to see to it that we do dirty bingo and make nut bread every year. Even though I think it will be a very warm Christmas season it doesn’t mean we can’t bake our butts off and make a ton of nutbread. :]
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Day 9
It’s late and I can’t stand the thought of another day without you here. I am sitting in the dark in the living room next to your ashes. I can’t believe its you in there. The cookie jar we have you in is heavy. I hate thinking that a whole life was burned down into just a baggie of dust. You are the most important person in my heart. I am sitting here under the coffee cup blanket that you said you hate because it made you look like you were covered in some bloody animal. We went over to Cassies today just to say hi, We went to Walmart to get some snacks and ended up buying the stuff for biscuits and gravy. We doubled back and picked up Jayden to bring him over. He hasn’t been here since before you died. He misses you terribly. So do I. It’s excruciating. I feel like we are all just floating in time waiting for you to come home. I just wander around the house looking at things that you love. Things that were yours. I went looking for something today and found a letter that you sent to me last year. Almost 1 year ago, actually. It sent me into tears. I hate talking about you in past tense. It feels unbelievable. Its almost as if the whole thing was a big blur. A smudge on the timeline of my life where those weeks with my Momma are supposed to be. I’ve never had an out of body experience before but I think that I had one that lasted for 2 weeks. I remember that it all happened. I remember every second and every coughing fit that you had and every last word you said. I remember bathing you and getting you ready after you were gone. Painting your fingernails and carefully picking out an outfit for you to wear. But thinking back on what can only be described now as memories, it’s like I watched it happen but it wasn’t me. It was just my body there but not my mind. Like I was looking from the outside in on somewhere spending every waking moment at home watching over their mother night and day. I’m sure someone who knows a lot more about grief than I do would call that compartmentalizing to help subdue the power of the loss. I am glancing around the living room in the dark and I can’t believe it was just a week ago I was on the couch watching your every breath to make sure you were still alive. Now I feel like there is a gaping hole in my heart. I could never have imagined this kind of pain. I know that my whole life I have been faced with your mortality and that we have had some scares and a few close calls. I feel like I got immune to the possibility because you were so strong and always made it through the odds. It was always Momma will be fine because she is always fine. She always makes it through. I became very much comforted when I was scared about your health by that thought process. Even in the hospital after hearing from the doctors that your kidneys were failing and that you were not going to live much longer, I still had confidence that you were going to defy the odds and pull off another medical miracle and survive past the diagnosis. I feel selfish for finding solace in that because the only reason I was able to use that as a coping tool is because you were fighting so hard to stay alive in the mean time and I am so sorry for that. I love you so much Momma. I wish that I could talk to you and hear your voice. I just miss you. I used to come into the living room and sit down by your recliner and you would say “What’s the matter baby?” and I would either give you a hug or promptly break down into tears. No matter what was going on you always knew what to say to make it better. How can you just be gone? You’re just...gone.
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Day 8
Hi Momma. Today was thelast day of our honeymoon. It’s Friday the 13th! We went to the Baps temple in Lilburn. I remember when I went with you was the first time I ever had Starbucks. Danielle and the guys really loved it. We went to Discover Mills and walked around. Then we went bowling in the Dave and Busters there. Danielle won the first game! She said she wasn’t a good bowler but she took the game! lol After we dropped the guys at their hotel we went to find Friday the 13th specials at a tattoo shop. Daneille got her nose pierced and we got tattoos! Just small ones, of course. And not matching ones. I got a little octopus and she got a lotus flower. We love them! It was worth the wait. We have to go take the guys to the airport in a few hours. We are trying to stay up until it’s time to go. It’s hard! It was easy when I was staying up with you, though. Watching your chest rise and fall to make sure you were okay. Cassie went and picked up your ashes today. You are here somewhere in the house, but I don’t think I have the constitution to go look. The house feels different with you in it. It feels different without you in it, too. We went and picked out a bed for TIppy for our room. I’m hoping she likes it. She spends a lot of time in here with us now. I love that little dog. It’s so hard to stay up. I miss you Momma. I wish I could give you a hug and sit and talk with you for a while. I love you very very much. I just feel like I could fall apart. It’s been a great week and everything but I am still just swallowing how sad I feel.
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Day 7
I can’t believe its been 7 days. I can’t tell if writing every day is helping or not. I mean, it feels better to get all of these things out, but am I just fooling myself that it is good for me? Is it a form of denial? I know you’re gone Momma. I feel the ache of missing you in every step. I think it probably is better this way. I am going to get a tattoo in your honor. Not only am I going to get an ostrich tatto for our inside joke, I am going to get one of your drawings on me too. I think Cassie is having an issue because she and I are not mourning in the same fashion. I can’t be sure. We have been at our hotel in Atlanta for 2 nights now. It has a better reputation than the rooms show for. The headboard is all worn and falling apart. The ceiling is peeling. It’s just not that great. I hope that next year we can afford to be somewhere nicer. It’s tough not having much money. We went to the World of Coke today and to the Aquarium. I saw dolphins for the first time and it was amazing! I’ve never seen something so awesome! I drank lots of coke in your honor today, too. I love you very very much. I don’t know if Cassie has gone to pick up your ashes. It will be nice to have you home as weird as that sounds. I love you Momma.
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Day 6
Hi beautiful. Today was my wedding day. It was really nice, We all met at the park and walked down to the lake. Everyone that I wanted to come today came. We then all went to Longhorn and had lunch. It was great, We came back home to pack and were met by a very emotional Cassie who was sitting in your office crying. I think I was crowding her space by trying to comfort her I’m not too sure, though. We came to Atlanta and checked into our hotel. At first we had plans to go to the Vortex but everyone basically cancelled so maybe tomorrow. I borrowed your Hello Kitty keychain and pinned it to my lapel so I could have you with me. I miss you so much. I hugged the back of your recliner again before I left home. Its hard not to have my Momma there. There is a tavern connected to our hotel lobby and instead of taking a nap we decided to go to the tavern. And let me tell you was it ever the right choice. We ordered an appetizer and some cocktails. I had one called the blueberry braz and it is the tastiest drink I have ever ever had. The waitress gave us a free dessert and the manager gave us free wine. We joked and said that we should get married every day! haha I had heartburn by the end of the night so we had to go to the gas station and get some antacids, I think I will go see a doctor soon about it because I have it almost every night. I love you Momma. Time for bed. The beds in our room are only full size. They’re so small!
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Day 5
Hi Momma.
I am getting married in the morning. It’s always been part of my wedding dream to have you there. Its going to be strange to not have you there like I always thought you would be. I love you very much. I am typing to you tonight on my wedding present on my new Google Chromebook that Danielle got for me. It is very very cute. Back when we lived in LA and she first moved in with me I had one just like this one. I accidentally stepped on it and cracked the screen. I didnt pay much for the thing in the first place. It was pre owned just like this one is. I don’t mind that at all. Plus Best Buy gives us an extra discount on stuff like this. I had mentioned to her wanting to get one because I am typing to you every day because for some reason I feel like there is the internet in your version of heaven. If people can have their own version of hell then there must be a tailored version of heaven, too. I am absolutely sure you are surfing the webs and keeping you Kibbitz namesake alive. I picked up Danielle’s best friend Ilene from the airport today. He is ordained and is going to be the one to marry us. Did you know there is a tree in Athens that owns itself? It sounds crazy but it’s true! The man who owned the property said that he loved the tree so much that he signed the rights of ownership of the tree over to the tree itself. So no one can touch it now. Lol That’s what the plaque outside said, anyway. We are packing up our luggage tonight and heading to Atlanta tomorrow night for 2 nights to celebrate! Kind of an unofficial honeymoon I guess. It should be fun. We are going to the aquarium and the World of Coke. I am going to drink at least a gallon for you. I haven’t been back to the aquarium since we went with Aunt Brenda and she pitched a fit. That was so embarrassing! We have to leave soon to go pick up our other friend that is flying in tonight. He had training for Best Buy and had to fly in from Minnesota after the training was finished. The 4 of us used to hang out in LA. It will be good for Danielle to have friends here because she is lonely a lot, even if I am by her side most of the time. Tippy is in my lap again. Now that I am typing on a much smaller computer it’s easier to reach around her head. She’s spending more and more time in our room and that’s good because I smother her in lots of love. I finally found a treat she likes! I am going to get a little bed for her in here. This chair is barely big enough for me let alone the two of us. Doug wants her to sleep in the bed with him but she jumps down and wiggles around too much for him, I think. I miss you Momma. Cassie is going to pick up your remains in the morning. I won’t be here to go with her and I am feeling guilty about it. Maybe she needs some time alone with you, though. Her spiral is deepening, I fear. She told me tonight she is a sad peanut in a sad shell. I am going to attach pictures of us after we get married tomorrow so you can see. I love you Momma.
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Day 4
Hi Sweet Momma
Today was hard. I was off today and when I woke up Cassie had called me and asked me out for coffee. We went to Target and got Starbucks with the gift card you gave her for Christmas. She said it was only right to buy coffee for the both of us with it. We joked that you would ask me to bring you something and what I chose wasn’t always so tasty for you. Lol We then went and booked a place for your funeral, Momma. Its really nice and there is plenty of room. It really made the both of us feel like we are doing something for you because we have been so powerless. Im afraid that there is some kind of a power struggle going on with Cassie and Danielle. Cassie seems jealous when we all spend time together and Danielle doesn’t respond well to it. I wish I could ask you for your advice, because I hate feeling stuck in the middle Danielle is sweet but you know Cassie knows not what she does. I think. Cassie might be jealous like she wants to be close again but I am very close to Danielle, obviously. Danielle can be too sensitive at times, too. We fight because of it. I just wish I could talk to you. I know you would know what to do. Evan’s mom is pressuring Cassie to move to Pennsylvania. I’m sure you knew that already. I really don’t like her. We are getting married the day after tomorrow. This pressure between Cassie and Danielle is so stressful. Danielle thinks that Cassie has all of these motives for driving herself between us or trying to make sure that she is the most important to me. I’m not sure that Cassie has thought it through that far. She has said a few things here and there but I don’t think its that deep of a thought process. It’s just frustrating. Tippy is in my lap again. She keeps whining. Dogs know, you know. I wish you could be there for my wedding. We chose the park that we are going to use because we thought it would be easy for you you to get to in the wheelchair. Now it doesn’t feel right to change the location even though you’re gone because we chose it with you in mind. I bought Danielle a wedding gift today. It was a card and a coffee mug that says “Wifey” on it. I think you would think it was pretty cute. I went into the living room earlier to talk to you about what to do about Danielle and Cassie and then I walked out and realized you’re not there. I promptly burst into tears. I miss you Momma. Ive been hugging the back of your recliner because it’s almost like hugging you. I love you. I hope wherever your soul is that it is at peace and you are happy. Even though I’m not religious I feel like you’re in heaven.
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Day 3
Hi Momma.
Another day has gone by without you here. I woke up this morning and tried to remember the little schedule you said you used to follow in the morning. I cleaned the kitchen and let Tippy outside. Started a load of laundry and made a cup of coffee. Picked up the living room a little bit. Doug is going back to work tomorrow. It will be good for him to be reestablished at work, I think. Give him somewhat of a sense of normalcy. He told me that when he goes to call you tomorrow on his way home from work it will be hard for him. I know it used to drive you crazy to have him call every day. I am bummed out that I wont be able to have either one of my parents at my wedding. Cassie will be there, though. And I know you will be with me in spirit. I miss you. Marilou came over today to check on Doug and see how we were doing. She took up a donation at her church and brought it over today. It is going to be what we use for your funeral. I am going to make it look as nice as possible. I am having kind of a hard time bridging the communication gap between Doug and Cassie, especially with funeral planning. I hope it doesn’t cause a lasting rift between them. At least for now I have smoothed it over a bit. Tippy has been spending most of her time today on my lap. She laid at the foot of our bed for some time today. Even though she is making it difficult to type at the moment. lol I am taking good care of her just like I told you I would. I promise. Doug too. I love you Momma. Today doesn’t feel any better. I don’t think that time heals wounds. I think time just gives you more opportunities to become distracted from the pain by things that don’t hurt.
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Day 2
Hi sweet Momma,
You passed away yesterday and I miss you already. I’m not sure what life is supposed to be like without you. I’ve been trying to make sure that everyone else doesn’t fall apart without you here, but in doing that I’m not sure I know how to fall apart myself. I went back to work today and everyone is avoiding me like I am a ticking time bomb and saying good morning to me is going to make me burst into tears. Who knows, it might. I keep finding myself wanting to remember all the tidbits of my day, what I saw, who I saw, if something made me laugh. All the little things I used to come home and tell you. I wish I could say that Doug is doing alright, but he’s not. He is trying, though. He is trying to be himself but so much of who he is is you and his love for you. I’m afraid that once he realizes that he doesn’t know who he is without you, he will self destruct. I want to get him involved in something with Danielle and I. Something constructive like hiking or.. I don’t know. Anything other than upping his nicotine intake or participating in a hate rally on behalf of Trump. That probably sounds silly but he doesn’t know how to be himself without you, either. Things with Danielle and him have improved, I think. It’s still there somewhere but in light of all this maybe they will be better for it. My family has shrunk by such a large margin I don’t even know how to put it into words. You were the most important person in our family. I never knew what people really meant when they said that someone was the glue that held the family together. I know what that means now. Cassie on the other hand has already self destructed, as I’m sure you figured out by now. I went and saw her tonight for the first time since you died. We had to talk about what to do about your funeral. Doug is frustrated with the whole thing and I can’t blame him. Cassie lost a lot all at once and even though she does better with tasks its still going to be difficult for her to find something to keep her going. I’m sure the whole population of Auburn will have shawls soon. I am trying to find solace in the fact that this all happened on your terms and you made all of the decisions in how things unfolded. I miss you so much. I see signs of you everywhere. So much more Hello Kitty and white Kia Souls in the world than I ever realized before. Its happy but sad simultaneously. I don’t know how to handle it.
I had a dream about you last night. It was only the second nightmare I’ve ever had in my life. I don’t say that to tell you that you are the stuff of nightmares. Haha. Thats not true at all. I’ve just never had to spend time with you in my dreams before. I think my subconscious is trying to cope with you being gone. I had a dream that I was sitting on a sidewalk playing with a kitten and I didnt know where the kitten lived and I kept asking it. It just kept rubbing its little head on my legs. I got up and went into the store I was sitting in front of. Remember the hat you used to always wear that had the bow on it that looked kind of like a flower? I found one that looked just like it in that store and I bought it. I left the store and put the hat on. You walked past me wearing that hat just in a different color. I knew it was you and I turned around and said, “Momma! I found a hat that looks just like yours!” You turned around and it was you but it was how you looked the last time I saw you before you died. Your arms were curled up by your chest and your eyes were gaunt and sunken in. You were so thin and your mouth was wide open and your eyes rolled back just like how you were the last few days. It terrified me and I woke up in a sweat. Its a good thing I did because I had slept right through both of our alarms and woke up at the exact time Danielle had to be at work. We stayed up late last night at Kari’s watching Hocus Pocus and medicating our emotional wounds with halloween sugar cookies with pumpkins on them. I picked them out of the 2 options. The other had ghosts on them. She is such a good friend.
I miss you Momma. Its so strange to see your chair empty but I dont want to see anyone sitting in it, either. I feel like you’re going to come home at any moment and I can tell you all about my day and how Danielle and I picked out our wedding bands today. No one cares as much as you about the most trivial details of my day. You always listened to every word like it was the most important detail of the most boring story. I am dreading the day when I forget how your voice sounds.
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