letterstomydaughter

[letterstomydaughter]

When someone says "You're the most beautiful person to me" "You're always perfect in my eyes" Be careful that they're putting you as the subject, and not themselves or their opinion. Because what they could actually be saying is "My opinion matters above everything and everyone else's. Even yours." And that is not a relationship you want to continually invest in if you can help it.

[letterstomydaughter]

It doesn’t need to last forever Dear daughters, I read this thought the other day about how our society prizes things that we keep doing in perpetuity and how that isn’t true; the misconception is that only things that we keep doing forever, are the things that are successful - if it stops, it is a failure. We see that in most of our social constructs and ideas; if you stop schooling, you are considered a dropout, if you end a marriage, the marriage is considered to have been a failure, if a friendship dies, we say that it was lost, or it has crumbled, or it has dissolved. But the truth is a lot more forgiving than that - in everything, there’s a season, a time, and a purpose. In the short answer that is, it doesn’t need to have continued forever, until it is not possible for it to be considered a success. You can drop hobbies and you can pick them up again. When a relationship ends, it has taught you a lesson that you probably would not have learnt otherwise when a time a person ceases to serve a function in your life, it leaves -and that is the natural way of things. Seasons come and seasons go. the sun rises, and the sun sets. The days pass and the days arrive. This echoes the words of the Dalai Lama, and I will quote him as saying this: “ the important thing is to make it meaningful - meaningful friend, or a meaningful day”. This is not to say that the end of something will not hurt. More likely than not it will, because it is the death of something that you have invested in, that you have given to, and that has become a part of you. But it is no measure of success that it has come to an end; instead, the measure of success is what you have gained from it. Very few things last forever; do not be sad when they do not. They are not meant to. Instead, cherish the memories of what it was, and what it will forever be in your heart. Hold on its entirety, remember the good with the bad, that its story may be recorded in your mind as a complete narrative. And in that way, you will gain so much more than if you had forced its continuation. Be strong, be flexible, and true to yourselves. Love, Dad

[letterstomydaughter]

Don't let others take blame for you Dear daughters, The date is 3 May 2024. In real life, recent weeks have raised the topic of blame many times - particularly how some people are blamed for things that are entirely not in their control, and definitely not their fault; in these cases, they are blamed because the blamers feel out of control should they have to take their due responsibility, but also that they need to attribute negativity to others, so as to keep their positive appearance to the outside world. I could go on about how this is typical of narcissists and sociopaths, but that isn't the point of this letter. I write to tell you not to let others take blame for you - for more reasons than the obvious one, being that it's wrong to allow someone else to bear the responsibility for your actions. But consider also this; if you are in the position to run away from your responsibilities and consequences and another person is compelled not to, then you are abusing your strength and another's weakness. This is not the purpose of strength nor power. If you feel like your partner in your relationship, whether personal or business, should take the blame for you so as to show that they will protect you, then I would urge you to think about this: are you forcing someone into a place of weakness, making them be who they are not, in order for you to appear strong? If so, that is not strength, for strength does not need to be shown to exist. If they are already in a position of weakness, then on what basis can they protect you? Are you demanding that they sacrifice their being, their selves, so that you can preserve yours? I did not bring you up to be that selfish - there are ways where you can both survive together, and you should always strive for that. If you only believe that you should take care of yourself, then you are going to be a very lonely person for the rest of your life, with no support whatsoever. Note that I am not proposing that you unnecessarily take the blame for others either - take care of yourself, yes, but not ONLY of yourself. For no one who can take care of you will want to be associated with someone who only takes care of themself. You cannot expect such a relationship/partnership to survive, if only one person is giving. Own your actions, embarrassing as they may be. Also do not force someone else into that position, whether or not it benefits you; there is always room to be kind. And you can only be kind if you are strong. Love, Dad.

[letterstomydaughter]

When people tell you what they are Dear daughters, I write this post to you from rather bitter and sad experiences, and I hope that you will learn from my mistakes rather than make your own in this case. If you do, however, know that mistakes are part of life, part of growing and learning, and may the fact that I, too, have made them, spur you forward instead of allowing yourself to stay demoralised. One of the things that in my naivety I once fell for is in trusting that people are who they say they are. I believed when people told me that they are "very objective", "not biased", "always open to listening", "can always learn", "do not take sides", "very observant and see everything that goes on" and so on. In retrospect there were so many reasons why this didn't make sense: If you think about it - why do they have to tell you? If they are what they profess they are, then it would naturally show. These days, especially when superiors and bosses tell me that they are "fair", immediately a red flag goes up in my mind wondering why it needs to be said. Moreover, if they truly believe what they are claiming to be, then what that means is that they do not see when they are not what they claim to - and this lack of self-awareness is dangerous for them but more so for you. This is because when they contradict themselves and you point it out to them, they are likely not to take it in their stride, and most probably will consider you "rude" for telling the truth. Even if they do not react to the perceived affront, they will not believe you, and you would have lost credibility with them because you do not agree with them. This would not happen for people who are actually open-minded and self-aware; for such people, correction will be accepted, albeit still unpleasant for them. But if they are not self-aware, they insist they know what they are (or worse still, they claim that they know what YOU are), then that already signals that they do not wish to have another perspective, and going against them only pits yourself against them. I have told you a number of times not to take my words for truth - and this applies to all people. Observe for yourself what goes on, while acknowledging that there will be gaps in your knowledge (there must be, and if you do not think they are then the gaps are so large that you are not even aware they are possible). But most of all, recognise that people who talk about themselves, and who talk about others, are such small-minded, uninteresting people, that they rely on the lives of others to entertain them. (You may wish, if you are old enough, to look up the Jewish concept of Lashon Hara for a very practical view on this.) Trust yourself most of all, but never trust yourself completely either; some amount of self-doubt is necessary for growth - and to prevent yourself from becoming arrogant. I love you always. Love, Dad.

[letterstomydaughter]

To Love Somebody Dear Daughters, I had a conversation with a friend, one whom I call my "twin" because despite having very different lives and backgrounds we are similar in so many ways, which reminded me of some parts of my past. That in turn triggered these thoughts that I am about to share with you. One day, you will love someone, and that someone will tell you they love you back. Now you would have noted the differences in how I've described each of the member of the pair, because in truth, you can only know what you feel, and you have to rely on the other person "telling you", whether in action or in word, how they feel. One thing that I want to bring up here is that loving someone is beyond loving what they can give you. Sure, you can love that too - but if you intend to spend a lifetime with someone, you have to be prepared to love that someone for who they are, not what they bring to the table. You will also have to love all the people they will become, and in all honesty, there is no way to predict this - I once thought you could observe a "trajectory" of how a person develops, and I suppose in some way I was right, only that this observation is continuous and not just to be done at the beginning. In the same way, I would hope that the person who claims to love you, loves you because of you who are, not what you give to them, or what you can provide for them. This is, quite honestly, something not easy to detect, especially at the beginning when you both appear to want the same thing as a couple. It is easy, at the beginning, to agree on things - time with each other is fleeting, after all, and we can tolerate slights. When you eventually live together, raise a family together, have your entire LIFE together, then repeated slights become something more serious. Am I saying that the person should appear perfect for you, right from the start? If only that was possible, my daughters, if only - instead, no, you will find someone who is imperfect, maybe with a few things that you dislike and a few things that you like. And if along the way that person decides to change for the objective better (and not just to "better suit you"), then the only way that change persists is for that person to WANT to change, FOR THEMSELVES. Could someone start off seeming like the right person, and then evolve/reveal themselves to be someone horrible, or simply horribly unsuited for you? Yes, and sadly, this is the more likely scenario. If that were to happen, I am so sorry, my daughters, that you have had to go through that. It does not matter what state you are in, how deeply you have committed in the past, what it will take to move on - my advice to you is to run. Run, far away from them. Run, run, run, and take what you can with you, emotionally and physically. And run back home, back to me. I will always have a place for you. There will always been hot chocolate, warm hugs, and cold water towels for you to wipe your teary face dry with. Don't stay where you are not loved for who you are; I know what it feels like firsthand. Come back home to where you are always loved, where you will always have a space held for you, where, no matter what you've done or who you've become, you are loved for being you. To love someone is to love SOMEONE - and this much I can say: there will always, always, ALWAYS be love for you. Love, Dad

[letterstomydaughter]

Those who scheme always think others are scheming Dear Daughters, What I write to you now needs a great deal of contextualisation and background; the former I will leave out, because I believe you will understand what I'm saying, and I will try to keep the latter short. People generally operate under certain systems and paradigms, with given assumptions formed from experiences. Immerse a person enough in any one experience, and it starts to form (at least part) of their identity through influences. Engage an individual enough in any activity, over and over, and eventually that becomes innate to the individual. While these can be used to form good habits, hone your skills, and so on, it also helps us to understand what forms a person as a person. Sportspeople think in certain terms common to them, sometimes even exclusive to their sport. Musicians think another way. People who do both can likely switch between mental frameworks - people who do only one may find themselves struggle when switching is required. If an individual spends all their life planning for profits, they tend to think of everything in terms of ROI (Return on Investments) or gains. What each individual experiences, especially consistently, forms their notion of what is "normal". And so, when you find people who are always suspecting others of something, it is likely that either that person has (at least in their minds) consistently had to defend themselves against those who are plotting against them, or that person is so used to plotting and scheming that they naturally assume that others do as well. Both cases are a reflection of their person, and I would say the more severe case is that where they simply perceive their "truth" without it actually being the case from an objective point of view. This is one way for you to find out the core being of a person - what they naturally assume of others speaks of their experience and themselves. You may realise that this can go either way - the narrative can take both the direction of the perpetrator or the victim - and so this is where you may need to observe more indicators and patterns to figure out which one it is. You will get it wrong (I certainly have, in the most serious of ways), so when you do, take it as a reminder that our own vision is limited, what we can see is often obscured, and move on, wiser and better. I have always told you not to believe me at first word - see for yourself, try to find out where I might be wrong, and help me understand why this is so. As children, this is a tall feat for you, and I don't expect you to be able to do it so soon (and as such I am careful about what I make claims about, because I think at your age you trust your parents beyond what should be accorded to us). But eventually I hope you will, and we can have discourse as intellectual peers; after all, you will eventually have to teach me about the world we live in, because it will be so different to what it was for me. Returning to my original point: remember that everyone has a different sense of "normal behaviour", which is often revealing in many ways. It can tell you how they were treated, how they expect to be treated, how they are treating other people, how they see themselves relative to the world. The words they profess are less revealing, often curated, and this is a skill you may unfortunately have to learn as well - if nothing else to see through the lies that people spin in your face, but also so that you know how to present yourself truthfully, at least more truthfully than these others, and in a well-mannered way. I should take this chance to remind you that manners is not simply giving in to the person who demands it. To some people, manners and goodness is just a matter of whether you follow what they say. That is also a reflection of what they consider "normal", and you do not need to subscribe to it. I hope you learn to be you, in all your own glories and lights. Be strong, that you may be good. Love, Dad

[letterstomydaughter]

Own your sh*t

Dear daughters,

I write this letter from the point of view as both learner and educator - a son, student, apprentice, follower, listening, emulator, mimic, and as the latter category a journeyman, a senior, a teacher, a mentor, a guide, and the one most obvious to you, a parent/father. I also write this with great annoyance seething in me because what I will write about is not only something that occurs so often around me, but also something that has cost me quite dearly personally.

I write about the idea that many self-proclaimed "teachers" - in whatever capacity they are in relative to the learner, that the student should be discerning about what information they (i.e. the teacher) disseminates to them. You commonly hear this in terms of phrases such as:

"You just listen to what I have to say - what you don't think is useful just ignore, what you think is useful you learn."

"You should know for yourself what you can use, don't take what I say wholesale."

And the penultimate response to most of your answers, whether in life or in the classroom: "It depends."

My issue with these statements is not that they are not true. My issue is that they expect you, as a learner, to have a level of discernment and analysis that only someone more senior that you can have. A second issue is that they all absolve the teacher from responsibility for what they impart to you, they all are disclaimers that add on to the idea that you need to know what you possibly cannot, and allow the teacher to assume no responsibility for the students' (mis)intepretation.

To that, I say: that is utter bullshi*t.

One of the things a teacher, in any capacity, must realise, is the moral responsibility to leave the student a better person (or at the very least a better equipped person) that when they first arrived. This does not mean that we cannot deploy "hard love" - in many ways, we do. I certainly do. But we are not authorised/permitted to throw you in the deep end without either fishing you out before damage is done, or providing you with a way to improve and swim. "Sink or swim" is overrated - and it's a lot more nuanced than that.

Saying things like the above and not realising that it is completely unhelpful, only adding to the stress of the student in that they have received "advice" and are therefore expected to "naturally" make better decisions given the "advice", indicates any combination of these things: the "teacher" only wants the glory, has no idea of the responsibility entailed to be a teacher, has no intention to help you in the first place and only wants the appearance of doing so, has no idea what they are doing and likewise only wants the appearance of doing so, is a coward who declines facing up to the consequences of their own actions, likely has other people to take the fall for them, and/or is malicious toward you.

A teacher, a true teacher, realises the influence that they have on their students. A good teacher protects their students from their own influence - allowing them to grow on their own, providing the perspectives and the tools, but never dictating how or what or when or why to use them. And so to make statements like the earlier, implies that these "teachers" do not own their knowledge, if any - they simply parrot it based on what their shallow minds perceive.

I have told you many times "don't believe what I say - open your eyes, and look around you, try it out for yourself, listen for yourself". That sounds dangerously close to the statements I have made earlier that I detest - the difference is not in the statements I have presented earlier, but in the offer that always follows: that if you find otherwise to my offered knowledge, tell me, and I can refine it, we can discuss it, together we learn something new. In other words, I cannot tell you "it depends" without telling you also what it depends on - to do so is too vague, too abstract a task for you to undertake, one deliberately thrown your way with no further help, leading you to either discard all portions of the advice or accept the wrong portions (to which false teachers can always blame your poor discretion), or by sheer chance obey the right ones (to which they can also claim credit for having given you the advice).

On that thread, one of the great hallmarks of a great teacher is that they are never static - they are always in motion, learning more, finding out more, seeking more. They are not necessarily DOING more - but they are certainly BEING more. To be a great *anything* requires you not to think "what do the greats do", but rather "what are the greats" - to do what they do, you must start from BEING one of them, and the DOING will come naturally.

But I digress.

What do you do when you meet such false teachers? It is hopeless trying to point their fallacy out to them; they are bought into that idea, and they can easily argue that they have more experience and knowledge than you (which would be true, and is also irrelevant to their level, skill, usefulness of, and motivation for teaching). My humble advice here is to find someone else who is willing to go that extra mile with you, and supplement the false teacher with the true. As contrary as it sounds, there are things we can learn from false teachers - just not what they claim to teach. Examples of such things are usually do to with showmanship and presentation - these are also things that often true teachers have very little time to attend to, having spent most of their time on actually connecting and understanding the content.

So in that light, everyone is a teacher to you - just not in the most obvious ways, and not for what they claim to teach. Learn what is useful, discard what is not - but most importantly find someone, multiple people, who will help you objectively discern between the two. Learn HOW to learn and you’ll never fall short again for long.

And even if you make mistakes, remember: you can always come home.

Love,

Dad

[letterstomydaughter]

To love somebody

Dear Daughters,

I had a conversation with a friend, one whom I call my "twin" because despite having very different lives and backgrounds we are similar in so many ways, which reminded me of some parts of my past. That in turn triggered these thoughts that I am about to share with you.

One day, you will love someone, and that someone will tell you they love you back. Now you would have noted the differences in how I've described each of the member of the pair, because in truth, you can only know what you feel, and you have to rely on the other person "telling you", whether in action or in word, how they feel.

One thing that I want to bring up here is that loving someone is beyond loving what they can give you. Sure, you can love that too - but if you intend to spend a lifetime with someone, you have to be prepared to love that someone for who they are, not what they bring to the table. You will also have to love all the people they will become, and in all honesty, there is no way to predict this - I once thought you could observe a "trajectory" of how a person develops, and I suppose in some way I was right, only that this observation is continuous and not just to be done at the beginning.

In the same way, I would hope that the person who claims to love you, loves you because of you who are, not what you give to them, or what you can provide for them. This is, quite honestly, something not easy to detect, especially at the beginning when you both appear to want the same thing as a couple. It is easy, at the beginning, to agree on things - time with each other is fleeting, after all, and we can tolerate slights. When you eventually live together, raise a family together, have your entire LIFE together, then repeated slights become something more serious.

Am I saying that the person should appear perfect for you, right from the start? If only that was possible, my daughters, if only - instead, no, you will find someone who is imperfect, maybe with a few things that you dislike and a few things that you like. And if along the way that person decides to change for the objective better (and not just to "better suit you"), then the only way that change persists is for that person to WANT to change, FOR THEMSELVES.

Could someone start off seeming like the right person, and then evolve/reveal themselves to be someone horrible, or simply horribly unsuited for you? Yes, and sadly, this is the more likely scenario. If that were to happen, I am so sorry, my daughters, that you have had to go through that. It does not matter what state you are in, how deeply you have committed in the past, what it will take to move on - my advice to you is to run. Run, far away from them. Run, run, run, and take what you can with you, emotionally and physically.

And run back home, back to me. I will always have a place for you. There will always been hot chocolate, warm hugs, and cold water towels for you to wipe your teary face dry with. Don't stay where you are not loved for who you are; I know what it feels like firsthand. Come back home to where you are always loved, where you will always have a space held for you, where, no matter what you've done or who you've become, you are loved for being you.

To love someone is to love SOMEONE - and this much I can say: there will always, always, ALWAYS be love for you.

Love,

Dad

[letterstomydaughter]

Growing up Dear daughters, The date is 2 March 2024. As our usual Saturdays go, I brought you swimming after all your activities were over. Both of you went without floats, starting to do your front crawls and splashing about. While you can't actually swim yet (especially the younger of you, who has just gotten off the float and needs to stop every few strokes because you haven't learned how to keep your body horizontal and turn to breathe in a way that allows you do to do indefinitely), you're starting out. For a brief moment in the water, my mind flitted back to a time where each of you could not even take a splash of water in the face, lest you burst out crying and panicking. The memories came unbidded after that: ...a time where you would refuse to eat, or that we had to restrict your diet to non meat, ...a time where you still wore diapers and needed us to bring you everywhere (which we still do most of the time out of habit), ...a time where you could barely speak coherent words, much less read books on your own. You called out to me as you both reached the end of the pool, and I smiled before plunging into the water and swimming to both of you. In the water, the memories dissolved, leaving only the present. You grow up too fast, my daughters. Too fast for me. But I will try not to hold you back. Love, Dad

[letterstomydaughter]

He who cares makes effort

Dear daughters,

Today is 6th Dec 2023.

Yesterday I gave you both one of the sternest scoldings I've ever given in my life to anyone - for utter disrespect and stupidity (in which in this case is defined as doing things you have known for a long time were dangerous to you, but still doing them). Today, Bibik (our helper) was chasing you around the living room with your plates, trying to feed you and get you to finish your food, while I had just retired to the room to lie down after a long day of work and fetching you around for your classes, so busy that I had only eaten lunch at 4.45pm.

Your mother was less than a meter in front of you, scrolling through Facebook on her phone, completely ignoring your poor behaviour; in the end I had to pull myself out from the room to scold, punish, threaten, and execute threat one more time, despite me scolding you for the same principles yesterday.

She lifted not a finger the entire time.

When I brought it up to her shortly after, her excuse was "I'm exhausted, I've got nothing left to give", which I felt was utter nonsense, seeing as she was already seated down for her work. I had no response that didn't lead to an escalation, so I walked away; but I had two thoughts that stemmed from her response:

Firstly - everyone, without exception, will find a way to put in effort when it matters enough to them. She has told you many times of the great sacrifices she has made, how much money she has poured into your "education" and "hobbies", how much she gives you, and she will likely continue to do so for as long as your live under the same roof as she does. But you can see the truth for yourself; when effort is required, you can see who is the one who puts in the time and energy and presence for you. Money can be earned, and her family has tons of it - to give of excess is easy. To give out of shortage is a true sacrifice. (She will likely refute this, seeing as she just passed a comment about how we do not qualify for educational bursaries for your primary school - which honestly doesn't cost very much at all in Singapore, and she can well afford it. Hell, *I* can well afford it on my own, and there are people in the country who truly can't. For your information, it's less than twenty dollars a semester - only enough to buy two McDonald's Happy Meals with.)

Second, when you are "exhausted", remember that there are people holding the slack for you - this is something your mother constantly fails to acknowledge and recognise, preferring to think that she is the ultimate epitome of selflessness and zen, and allowing her family to pass comments about me never stepping up when it matters (and ironically, also passing comments about me always stepping in and never letting you have any freedom...which of the two it really is is anyone's guess, but if you ask me, they just want to complain about me). She has never defended me in any regard to her family, because it's easier and more beneficial to her to stay on their good side, so that she gets the cashflow from them, the benefits, the luxuries, the privileges that she can't afford and hasn't earned other than the fact that she was born into a rich family (which also isn't really earning anything).

So in time to come, I hope you will realise two things: one, that you should stand up for and appreciate those who fill up for your lack, and two, that you can see whom you matter more to simply by the proportion of their resources that they give based on how much they originally have, and the effort they put in when they have nothing left.

I will always, ALWAYS, have space for you. I don't believe I have ever not held space for you, even in the early years of severe lack of sleep. I don't believe anyone else has seen me go through that either.

Stay strong, my daughters, so that you can be good.

Love,

Dad

[letterstomydaughter]

On bullies and strength

Dear daughters,

I've written to you before about bullies, and about power; but i think this may be the first time I'm writing to you about both in tandem. I will be very real in this post - I whitewash nothing, and i promise nothing except the cold hard reality.

It is this: that bullies, as pitiful and weak as they are, are often the ones with power, and consequently they will get away with their actions.

Think of it this way; for a bully to do what they do, they must weld some form of force, advantage, authority, etc., even if only perceived by society (or sometimes only perceived by immediate contacts). Whether we like it or not, we can call this "strength", albeit misused/abused. Sometimes this "strength" is nothing but a social construct - age, seniority of generation - and other times they can be more tangible metrics - money, time, energy, resources, connections, favours. The use of any of these to pressure someone else into doing something to cater to the perpetrator is called bullying, and we call the perpetrator the bully. Catering to them can be in terms of giving them a physical item/resource, or pandering to their egos, or giving in to their preferences (often to your own detriment or disadvantage).

It is this misused strength that allows them to do what they do, and it is also these strengths that will allow them to get away scot free with it - whether it leaves you no room to retaliate, no chance to fight back without even worse treatment for them (we've got to consider the long run) or any of the such. You'll find that very often, you'll find that no matter how hard you think you can hit them, they can always hit back harder; and this is strength.

Despite what most fairy tales and well-meaning books want you to believe, bullies can't be negotiated with, reasoned with, ignored, or (not even) retaliated against. The hard reality is that their "strengths" will render them immovable, and while you can bolster defenses, find support, getting help and protection (preferably in a legitimate fashion), you'll find that most of the time all you've done is divert their attention to someone else - and sometimes you can't even do that, and will have to endure them for as long as they live.

(Sidenote: the worst kind of tolerance we have to perform is when the bullies cannot be detached from you, i.e. you cannot go no-contact. Cases like these are when they are relatives - note that i don't consider them "family" - or when you are forced to interact with them, or have to interact with them to avoid worse treatment.)

That's the tough pill to swallow. It's going to happen, and there's more often than not nothing you can do about it.

There's some good news though, even if it's not the kind of good news that the well-meaning books and idealistic advice want you to believe. The good news is this: no one is infallible, and so every strength has a weakness. If you really want to retaliate, there are ways to find pressure points, and squeeze. I can't teach you how to do this - not just because it's highly contextual, but also because I'm not quite sure how to go about it myself. Sometimes this requires patience - you may have to sow seeds and wait and wait and wait and WAIT for them to take root, and sometimes they might not and you have to restart your plans all over again. Sometimes you may not see it happen at all. And I don't have to tell you this, but there's something that vengeance does to your soul that is damaging and irreparable, and you'll want to consider whether that's worth it.

I've always told you that you were good, asked you to be good - but a recent conversation I had revealed something else: that without being strong, you cannot be good (or evil). It takes strength do to either - if you are simple following the flow, if you are not pushing for something, you are weak, regardless of the outcome. For you to take action, whether for good or evil, requires you to have some form of strength - if you are following something that requires no effort on your part, then it requires no strength. Similarly for not doing anything, being passive, or simply perpetuating status quo (whether it is good or bad), you require no strength.

Therefore, if you wish to stand up - for yourself, for others, for those who cannot stand up fully for themselves - then you need to be strong. And if I know anything from the years I've watched over you and guided you, from all the late night talks and deep thinking and emotions I've worked you through, that you both are strong beyond what you believe.

You can be strong, stronger, maybe not the strongest, but strong enough to make a difference.

Be strong, so that you can be the good that you are.

And I will endeavour to always be strong for you.

Love,

Dad

[letterstomydaughter]

On bullies and strength

Dear daughters,

I've written to you before about bullies, and about power; but i think this may be the first time I'm writing to you about both in tandem. I will be very real in this post - I whitewash nothing, and i promise nothing except the cold hard reality.

It is this: that bullies, as pitiful and weak as they are, are often the ones with power, and consequently they will get away with their actions.

Think of it this way; for a bully to do what they do, they must weld some form of force, advantage, authority, etc., even if only perceived by society (or sometimes only perceived by immediate contacts). Whether we like it or not, we can call this "strength", albeit misused/abused. Sometimes this "strength" is nothing but a social construct - age, seniority of generation - and other times they can be more tangible metrics - money, time, energy, resources, connections, favours. The use of any of these to pressure someone else into doing something to cater to the perpetrator is called bullying, and we call the perpetrator the bully. Catering to them can be in terms of giving them a physical item/resource, or pandering to their egos, or giving in to their preferences (often to your own detriment or disadvantage).

It is this misused strength that allows them to do what they do, and it is also these strengths that will allow them to get away scot free with it - whether it leaves you no room to retaliate, no chance to fight back without even worse treatment for them (we've got to consider the long run) or any of the such. You'll find that very often, you'll find that no matter how hard you think you can hit them, they can always hit back harder; and this is strength.

Despite what most fairy tales and well-meaning books want you to believe, bullies can't be negotiated with, reasoned with, ignored, or (not even) retaliated against. The hard reality is that their "strengths" will render them immovable, and while you can bolster defenses, find support, getting help and protection (preferably in a legitimate fashion), you'll find that most of the time all you've done is divert their attention to someone else - and sometimes you can't even do that, and will have to endure them for as long as they live.

(Sidenote: the worst kind of tolerance we have to perform is when the bullies cannot be detached from you, i.e. you cannot go no-contact. Cases like these are when they are relatives - note that i don't consider them "family" - or when you are forced to interact with them, or have to interact with them to avoid worse treatment.)

That's the tough pill to swallow. It's going to happen, and there's more often than not nothing you can do about it.

There's some good news though, even if it's not the kind of good news that the well-meaning books and idealistic advice want you to believe. The good news is this: no one is infallible, and so every strength has a weakness. If you really want to retaliate, there are ways to find pressure points, and squeeze. I can't teach you how to do this - not just because it's highly contextual, but also because I'm not quite sure how to go about it myself. Sometimes this requires patience - you may have to sow seeds and wait and wait and wait and WAIT for them to take root, and sometimes they might not and you have to restart your plans all over again. Sometimes you may not see it happen at all. And I don't have to tell you this, but there's something that vengeance does to your soul that is damaging and irreparable, and you'll want to consider whether that's worth it.

I've always told you that you were good, asked you to be good - but a recent conversation I had revealed something else: that without being strong, you cannot be good (or evil). It takes strength do to either - if you are simple following the flow, if you are not pushing for something, you are weak, regardless of the outcome. For you to take action, whether for good or evil, requires you to have some form of strength - if you are following something that requires no effort on your part, then it requires no strength. Similarly for not doing anything, being passive, or simply perpetuating status quo (whether it is good or bad), you require no strength.

Therefore, if you wish to stand up - for yourself, for others, for those who cannot stand up fully for themselves - then you need to be strong. And if I know anything from the years I've watched over you and guided you, from all the late night talks and deep thinking and emotions I've worked you through, that you both are strong beyond what you believe.

You can be strong, stronger, maybe not the strongest, but strong enough to make a difference.

Be strong, so that you can be the good that you are.

And I will endeavour to always be strong for you.

Love,

Dad

[letterstomydaughter]

Dear daughters,

The date is 22 November 2023.

The day was reasonably pleasant, somewhat normal, with the usual fusses and requests, and nothing out of the ordinary.

That is, until the night rang around.

I'd asked the both of you to pack your tables, and then subsequently after you were done and you were done playing, to pack the items you were playing with. The older of you decided that packing only involved collecting things together in a pile on the floor - to which I instructed that stationary and stickers (particularly scissors) do not belong on the floor, and requested that she please tidy that up in an appropriate manner, such as on the table or keep them in their respective containers.

The request went ignored several times more, and finally when I asked why it was ignored, the response was a yell that them being on the floor constituted as being packed up, followed by a host of screams and tantrums.

I flipped, and tossed everything on her table onto the floor, telling her that by her definition, this must constitute as packed as well. The yelling continued, and so in a threat and the execution thereof, I started bringing items of hers off the shelves and cupboards, even from the room, for as long as she refused to start packing and continued to scream at me (not simply cry in frustration, but screams that are directed at me).

She ran into the room to call on your mother, demanding for help, and in the meantime I brought out more and more stuff. My intent was to show you that screaming would not help, and only the directed action offered would provide a solution. Eventually the idea sunk in, and in less than ten minutes a massive mess on the floor (and it was massive) was cleared, with everything in a semi-appropriate position. While all this was going on, the younger of you two joined in the anxiety and crying, and between sobs and tears, asked if you could help your older sister clean up. I refused - stating that this was her punishment, her lesson, and you didn't need to be a part of it as you were not involved in the offending actions (in fact, you'd cleaned up your area as much as could be expected of you, following directions and requests to the spirit).

Comforting went on after that, with continued and understandable crying, and I put you both to sleep, went out to complete a few tasks, and then came back in as promised to you before you both dozed off to snuggle you in your sleep a while more (and while I don't know if you were conscious enough to know that I came back into the room and the two of you curled up against me when I lay down, a promise is a promise, and I didn't intend to break it).

One of the tasks I returned to the living room to do was to rearrange both your tables. Neither of you could be expected to know how to organise your items - not at your age - and so I set out doing that for you, leaving you a note telling you where your things were specifically after I was done and before I went back into your room to keep my promise.

Part of me felt bad that I took that path of discipline, and I wondered if I could have done it in a gentler way, something requiring less work, less tears, less manual labour, less screaming and crying. I wondered if talking to you would have sufficed (and part of me reasoned that it wouldn't because that's what we've been doing with you all this while to no result), if I'd gone too far by continually taking things out as you refused to start acting on instructions, if I should have allowed the younger sister to help so as to foster your relationship with each other. I'd wondered a great deal of things about what I did, how I did it, why I did it, and I don't have an answer for many of them - the only certainty is that it was what I ended up doing.

======

I suppose you could take this entry as any number of lessons. I could make it into a great variety of learning points - on following directions, on neatness, on manners and speaking to your parents, on how when you become a parent discipline is no simple matter, how even adults make mistakes and aren't sure of what they are doing and need to apologise for their actions, and so on. But not everything needs to be a lesson, and so I'm leaving this here simply as a record of what happened today. Maybe one day you will look back on this and remember it with whatever emotions well up at the recollection, or maybe you won't even remember it happened.

Either way, I'm sorry it did, and I love you both very much.

Love,

Dad

[letterstomydaughter]

Dear Daughters,

Yesterday your mother came home in a strained mood; you may not have noticed, because it is her usual routine to come home and go straight to the room and lie on the bed, and I usually will entertain the both of you. But she did, and when I asked if she wanted to tell me about her bad day at work, she made the comment:

"I don't see why people like to tell others their problems; it's not as if it solves anything."

I want to break down the untruths in this statement and teach you a few things about strength, humility, vulnerability, and ability.

The first untruth is that telling people does help - people bring their experiences to the table, their skills, their perspectives, most of which can and will be different from yours in some way, even if you are both similar. Just comparing you and your sister - the both of you, despite having the same environment, the same parents, the same treatment (roughly), already have such different perspectives to the same situations when you are both in them, to the point that sometimes your points of view are even opposites.

The second untruth is that she does look to others when she has problems; more specifically, she only looks to one person. But looking only to one person (worse still if the person is toxic, insecure, etc.) is very dangerous - you only get one extra perspective, from one set of tools (no matter how many skills that person may have), and that is all. More perspectives never hurt, more tools and skills make for an easier solution, and certainly people who do not lord their help over you as something you need to repay (particularly in terms of giving in to their ego and other demands) would be ideal.

So, get more than one opinion. Get more than a second opinion. Go to all whom you can trust, and while there shouldn't be too many of those, there should at least be a few from different backgrounds, and who aren't afraid to disagree with you and won't play on YOUR insecurities.

Now lets go a little deeper.

A statement like that is typically made by people who want to appear in control and strong (and even more when made in falsehood). But it couldn't be further from the truth. True strength, like true power, doesn't need to be wielded to exist; neither desires to be seen. Staying silent about problems not only creates a gap between those who want to be close to you and be a part of your life, but also perpetuates a vicious cycle of being alone and unsupported; you cannot hope to receive support if you do not speak about what you need support about, and this is a habit your mother has cultivated over the years under various influences.

There is place for vulnerability, openness, humility - not just that you might receive help, but if anything, sharing your problems with someone allows you to know that you are not alone (especially if the person is a good listener and doesn't jump in to try and solve problems for you - a good question you might want to use when you come into the position of being told another's problems is "so do you need a listener or a solver right now?" because some people, like me, just need to vent to get it out, and then deal with it themselves...but you can also be both, at different times).

True strength allows vulnerability - true strength says "here, I'm having a tough time, and this is my weak point, and I'm letting you know...not necessarily because I trust you, but because I know I can handle it even if you decide to sabotage me". True strength bares its neck at the enemy, daring them to come for it, because it knows it can defend itself.

THAT is strength. Not hiding things and keeping secrets to yourself and only one other person who keeps giving in to you. (That's being pampered.)

Strength, like courage, are paradoxes - they require their exact opposite of what they hope to achieve in order to be truly present. (In case you're wondering, the paradox of courage is that it is a such an intense desire to live, to the point where you are willing to die. The exact quote is "Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live taking the form of a readiness to die.", Gilbert Keith Chesterton.)

Be strong, my daughters. No one ever said princesses couldn't be warriors too. Be strong, and the rest of life will sort itself out.

And when you are tired of being strong, come home, and be soft for a while. You will always have a safe and true space with me.

Love,

Dad

[letterstomydaughter]

Dear Daughters, It's a whole low level of despicable to create falsehoods that around suspicion about a person, then cherry pick the evidence for you to be right, in order to suck others toward you in hope of safety. There will be "family" who will tell you things about me in this way; they choose not to see what I have done for you, what great things I have contributed despite the little I have, and only choose to point you toward the little they have given out of their excess. (Remember: he who gives out of less, gives more than he who gives out of excess.) In statistics, we call this confirmation bias. In real life, we call this hypocrisy, narcissistic and self-centered behaviour, stemming from insecure and entitled people. Keep an open mind, learn all you can, see all you can, and recognise that you should not choose what you observe and acknowledge - it is to your own detriment, because the truth is the truth, no matter how you want to turn a blind eye to it. Love, Dad.

[letterstomydaughter]

By your deeds Dear Daughters, The date is 21 Nov 2023, and it's 5.50pm. I've just finished a full day of consultations with students, who are all preparing for their final exam for the module i'm teaching them this semester. Of course, they are flustered, confused, and some in a mild panic as they prepare for things, and so I did expect that it would be a hectic, draining, and intense day. What I did not expect is for two other students, whom I've never met before and who happened to be sharing the classroom with us to ask who I was, what modules I taught, and what module this was. (I did reserve the classroom, but I also told them if they wanted to stay on they are free to do so if they didn't mind the noise and talking.) While I hesitate to say that their curiousity is spurred by positive impression (although I would hope it to be), it is seen that at the very least they are curious about who I am and what I do, in light of just being seen with them, and it seems to be a pleasant reason based on their countenance. I bring this up to tell you this - that while not everyone will appreciate what you do, the career you are in (by choice or otherwise), and the positive impact you hope to make, there will be people who will see it simply by virtue of you carrying it out. If you do not do things for the primary reason to be seen, if you seek to *be* good at what you do, and not just *look* good, then it is likely (not certainly, though, unfortunately) that someone will see it, and see it for who you are. This is not to say that a single deed, or even a single series of deeds determine the static character of a person - people change, and they can certainly change for the better (believe me, I know), or sometimes for the worst. As Dr Strange put it - "one good deed does not a boy scout make". But if you seek to *be* good, instead of *look* good, perhaps there is reward in that. Be good, my angels. Not because it benefits you, least of only when it benefits you. Be good, for I know and believe that you are. Love, Dad

[letterstomydaughter]

Dear daughters, Today is 15 Nov 2023, and your mother kept me up most of the night - first by leaving all the lights in the bedroom on while she played some games on her phone, then by knocking against the bed and kicking it while she was moving around the bedroom. When I told her about what she did, all she said was: "sometimes when you're awake every little movement can feel (sic); it doesn't mean I keep you up" This is an example of a non-apology for something that was clearly an action on a person's part. You may be thinking: ...why couldn't I go elsewhere to sleep? I suppose I could - but that doesn't excuse her non-apology, and besides, sleeping on the sofa for the whole night while she gets a king-sized bed to herself is just mean. ...why didn't you tell her when it happened in the night? I did, and offered to do what I could in her place, like turn off the light; I was met with an exasperated huff before she stormed angrily to the light switch to turn it off, then plonking herself limply on the bed like a rag doll, waking me fully up from the impact. Do I have issues sleeping? Yes, I always have. Do I demand more than usual? No, I don't think so - I merely asked for some courtesy, and was met with disdain, entitlement, shunning of responsibility for actions, and victim shaming. Please do not do this when you grow up - own your behaviour, change if you need to (or don't change, if you don't want to expend the effort, but then bear the consequences of that). From here on, I will mince no words about what I have been experiencing at home, and the emotional abuse that I have written about in anonymous terms before. I will be explicit because I think you need to see this for yourself...before we are all gaslighted into believing something else is the truth. I will protect you, whatever it takes. Love, Dad.