letterstojori - Tumblr blog

[letterstojori]

Dear Jori,

12.28

We’ve been hanging out a good amount. I don’t know what any of it means but I enjoy hanging out with you.

It’s been 8 months since we stopped talking. I don’t know what the future will bring but I know I’m at least no longer going on walks and looking up forlornly at the sky.

It’s been a crazy year. I’ve met the happiest and saddest versions of myself. I moved to Japan. It’s been a huge turning point.

As much as I’ve loved writing these letter, I think I’m at the point where I don’t need them anymore. I’m in a good place with whatever happens from here on out.

Still hoping for the best timeline.

-bearbear

[letterstojori]

12.18

Dear Jori,

We just played games together for around 3+ hours. Idk if it means anything. I hit you up to play league but you hit me up to play TFT after. It felt like you wanted to play with me. And it felt normal. Minus the burning desire to tell you everything.

I think this is good. Like I feel happy. Like this is the step to us being friends again.

It’s kinda funny my last post was all about letting go and moving on and here I am again.

There’s a song to fit it too, Been There Done That by NOTD.

I hope we can continue to be friends.

-bearbear

[letterstojori]

12.15

Dear Jori,

I know I’ll be okay now. But that doesn’t stop me from wistfully looking at the sky while listening to music and thinking of you.

Am I mourning over the garden you planted in my soul? Or the cemetery you built in my heart.

-bearbear

[letterstojori]

12.14

Dear Jori,

Today was the day that I realized that I’m where I’m supposed to be. Everything lead me to where I am now and that’s where I’m supposed to be. Changing lives in Japan. One of the other ALTs I met put it in just the words I was looking for. My kids are lucky to have me. They won the ALT lottery. I kinda did too in terms of my Board of Education. Tetsu is really nice. The other ALTs here are cool too. Though I’m not close with any of them, they’re all chill.

My kids wrote me letters from the scavenger hunt event we did at the school festival talking about how they didn’t really like English but they started to after they had my lessons. I think about my three kids that went to New Zealand and they wore the hats I got them. I think about all the kids I have lunch with or play at recess with. I think about kids like Sora who were labeled as a “bad student” by previous teachers and how we made a connection and even got some work done. I think about the quiet kids that are participating more often because they want to earn Jagurico at class.

I just hope this path leads back to you. I mean it has already, hasn’t it?

I say that but I’m supposed to be letting you go LOL. Sigh.

It’s okay to have conflicting emotions sometimes. I miss you.

-bearbear

[letterstojori]

12.9

Dear Jori,

I know, I know, I need to say goodbye soon. I was telling Jazmine this but it’s like I’ve gone through our breakup 4 times without you even realizing it. Maybe until the end of this month/year. Make it symbolic that you were chapter 2023 in my life. I wonder if you’ll be one of my favorites in the future.

Anyway, Jazmine called me earlier and she seemed so sad because the guy she was talking to had some girl on his lap at his birthday party. Why do people gotta suck man. I just want her to find love and be happy. I want the best for my friends and it just sucks.

-bearbear

[letterstojori]

12.4

Dear Jori,

Its been awhile since I have written. Though I guess not that long. Can you believe it is already December? We had a few messages back and forth but you dont seem to be in the biggest hurry to reply. Maybe you dont want to talk to me at all. Am I a reminder of a heart that you broke? I could keep making excuses that you might not be on discord that often or whatever. But I know deep down that if you wanted to reply more, you wouldve replied already. I messaged you Saturday morning? Its been two days. I am starting to just think im delulu.

Life has been a little interesting these past few days. Last Friday was quite a day in the life of an ALT. I wish I documented it. I had 3 scheduled classes that day but because of one teacher being absent and then one class taking tests, I had 0 classes that day. But I made the most of my time. I went to a science class for the 1st period. I have never just sat in an academic class before. Like I have gone to music class or pe but never an academic class. Mr. Shouji is nice though. Then I went to a cooking class the first years had. They were making salmon and some vegetable soup. After that I attended a meeting the third years had for high school but I didnt really undrestand it so I got bored and left. I went to get something to snack on at the conbini and then I went back. Might have watched some TFT or something. Had lunch with some of the kids. 1-2 class but for some reason they made them be quiet the whole time it was kinda boring. THen they had a presentation in the gym with a guest speaker about anti drugs. I didnt really understand much of it either but I got the gist of it.

Spent a lot of time playing tft and got to dimaond over the weekend.

And then I did lesson plans for a lesson that I taught today. It was about the difference between see, look, and watch. It went well for one class but the other class, there was barely any participation and a lot of disrespect/talking. Idk. Low key had to tell the kids off in the nicest way possible but it was quite disheartening.

I am starting to think that maybe I should just stop writing you letter. And fully detatch. Because I guess I never really did. And now that a lot of time has passed, it should be a lot easier. And now that I see how little you care, maybe it'll be even more easy.

-Bearbear

[letterstojori]

11.29

Dear Jori,

Wow that was a wild morning. I have training in Matsuyama and I was supposed to catch a ride at 5:45 to the train station but my dumb ass thought he said 6:45 lmao. It’s kinda funny. Anyway I ended up driving EVEN THOUGH I could’ve just taken the next train because typical anything fashion were told to be here at 9:30 but it starts at 10:30.

Anyway before I left I saw you messaged me so my spirits have been hi lmao. I know I have to be chill. But there’s so much I want to tell you. That I wish I could tell you.

I wish I could say that I’m over you. But when I eat broiled salmon at Sushiro I think about the sushi we had together. When someone talks about 7 leaves I remember that we went there and how you were making fun of how I didn’t like the taro. When I log into league I see your name. When I’m at the conbini in Japan and I see the mushroom chocolates you pass my mind.

I hope you talking to me isn’t weird. I hope I don’t fck this up.

-bearbear

[letterstojori]

11.28

Dear Jori,

It’s been 7 months since we stopped talking. I saw you for a third time yesterday and I ended up saying hi. It was between classes so we didn’t get to talk much. I sent you a message on discord later and I have no idea if you’ve seen it or notice kinda been a mess since then. Just this weird feeling of self doubt. Who knows maybe you don’t go on discord anymore or who knows maybe you just want me gone and out of your life.

I would’ve been okay if you just didn’t show up for a bit. But ever since you did I’ve been thinking about you a lot.

I thought it was funny you changed your tag to ABB.

Also you’re telling me you didn’t see my name here?

This was before when I was still trying to decide whether to say hi or not. I was your “TFT coach” lol. I wonder if DG figured it out.

Please reply even if it’s just to reply. My mind can’t take the donowall.

-bearbear

[letterstojori]

11.26

Dear Jori,

I ran into some of my kids at McDonalds again.

They told me to get these mini pancakes. I ordered them but couldn’t find the syrup. They looked in my bag but couldn’t find it either so I went back to the register to ask for some but he knew he put it so he came to check my bag and it was on the side. So I was like “gome” and as soon as he left I turned back to Tomoki with an aggressive swerve and Ayato laughed. So even though we don’t speak the same language they still understood what I was going for and that it was funny. I’m really sad that they graduate in March and I won’t get to see them anymore.

On another note, I decided that if I run into you a 3rd time, then I’ll say hi. What do I tell DG? lightning doesn’t strike the same place twice. Well I guess it did but maybe it was a fluke lol.

Just been grinding TFT but been having a hard time after I got to Emerald. I played infinite today but I want to play more but it’s already 3:00 am. I did finally start working out again though so that’s good.

Sigh tomorrow is a boring day because it’s 4 of the exact same class. Hope your Thanksgiving went well.

-bearbear

[letterstojori]

11.23.1

Peepohey. Guess who just showed up in chat lol…

What’s funny is you were talking to Shoonchoo about Taylor Swift or something. You two would get along lol.

I thought about saying hi. Even the last time at Worlds in Emily’s chat. And both times I chose not to. Like, it’s not time yet. And both times I’ll wonder if it was the right decision.

I just saw you started following DG on March 2nd. That’s right around when you started streaming. When we started talking. Haha.

[letterstojori]

11.23

Dear Jori,

Hey Jori! Happy Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is almost over here in Japan. They actually don’t celebrate “Thanksgiving” here but they do celebrate the Autumn Harvest Feetival on November 23rd each year. It just so happens that this year they’re one in the same.

This is actually the first Thanksgiving that I haven’t spent it with family. I’m pretty sure I’ve gone back home every Thanksgiving.

This week has been a lot of fun. Especially on Wednesday. My elementary schools had a music show were each class sang a song and played a song. They were all very cute. I recognized a few songs like zippidy do da and IDOL or Under the Sea. It’s so surprising how loud kids can be for things like a greeting or a skit. Like they well fearlessly shout things out to a crowd full of adults. I feel like elementary school students in America are more timid or shy for big crowd things.

I keep running into my students everywhere. I saw Taisuke on Sunday at the mall, Aki at Sushiro on Monday, Takuya and Yuujiro at the Konbini yesterday and Hino and Kaho and friends at Sushiro and some other group of girls at Sushiro today too.

Yesterday was also a company dinner. I just feel so out of place sometimes with the other ALTs. But it makes sense they’re all a lot younger than me. Josh especially. He’s the one that lives closest to me so we get Sushiro sometimes. He’s good company, easy to talk to, but he’s so young haha. Like we’ll get food sometimes but that’s usually it.

Most of my time I’ve been TFTing. One of the people I made friends with randomly on TFT wanted to play. His name was Bryant Zenpai and I was like we’re both Senpais but he also said that his girlfriend goes to Davis so we became friends. And we just played some games together tonight so that was kind of fun. But other than that mostly just been in DGs chat. I love just saying things and waiting for him to turn and read chat and he laughs as he reads it aloud. Wish that could be you though haha.

I wanna climb. I’m behind on sleep soo much cause the set just came out. But I kinda wanna invest my time into other things. I want to work out. I want to watch Attack on Titans too. And master Chef. And Blue Lock and Talentless Nana. And more Japanese studying. I can do simple sentences in Japanese now. Like I did something somewhere at a time. And sleep. I really should be sleeping but here I am in DGs chat. I still wonder if you ever stopped by. And if you saw me. I still wonder too much. I wanna play but I really should go to bed.

Goodnight Jori, hope your thanksgiving is fun and full of turkey, family, and friends.

-bearbear

[letterstojori]

11.19

Dear Jori,

Friday I got to the the whole teacher watching auditions thing for the school festival. It was so much fun. I felt like I was in HSM cause there were some very… not he best auditions. A couple in particular was this one boy singing. And then another boy doing a sword dance but he was so stiff and it was just… awkward.

But my favorites were this one girl who played guitar and sang and I literally got goose bumps because she was giving Haruhi from The Melancholy of Haruhi vibes. Another was Mei, who did a piano thing. And then there was a group of 5 girls that did a kpop thing and it was realllly good. But another one that surprised me was Rui singing a song. I didn’t expect that from him. He’s one of the MCs from 3-2. He was one of those kids I recognized from the beginning would be difficult so that’s why I befriended him right away.

On Saturday I had a super long call with Francois and Tu just catching up on life. It’s nice that they stayed on the call that long with me. I do miss them.

Sunday I just went grocery shopping and watched worlds in DGs discord. Ugh this Shoon kid still bugging me. Why does it bug me that he talks like you haha. But anywho, Faker did it! World champion. Happy for him and the rest of the T1 team.

Also played a the last game of set 9.5. Looks like I’ll get to end on Challenger after all :)

Been thinking of you a lot. Though the more time that passes by, I feel you slipping away in that I don’t know how much I’d mean to you in the future. You’re still my dream boy, so I can dream, right? I still just can’t get over that we were in the same stream and your twitch name caught my eye with over 5000 people in chat. I miss you Jori. I’m trying to live my best life in Japan. And I think I am. Maybe this was supposed to happen because if we became a thing I wouldn’t be meeting all these wonderful kids in Japan. But can it come full circle and can we meet again? It’s been awhile but my heart is still broken.

-bearbear

[letterstojori]

11.15.1

Dear Jori,

I’m so bad when it comes to starting new things cause I’m lazy. So it was kind of surprising I started One Piece again. Probably because all the hype I saw around Gear 5. Things on my list right now include Attack on a titans and Blue Locke. But I just started another show today and it’s Dessert Master Chef Australia. The desserts are so cool but let’s be honest I’m watching this for Reynold. He’s so hot haha and his desserts are just perfection. Only 1 episode is out so it’s gonna be one of those weekly things. Which I haven’t done for since My School President.

-bearbear

[letterstojori]

11.15

Dear Jori,

It’s interesting watching how Japan schools do things. For middle school everyone is so involved in things. They have this choir competition where every class sings a class song and a song of their choice. Idk who chose the second song, it would be a lot cooler if it was the kids. I think it’s get a little boring for their performance because we’re going to hear the class song 3-4 times. I guess that makes it easier to judge?

Another thing they do differently is I feel like they just teach something to the class and then do a CFU on like one or two people, so they’re not actually checking if people understand. They just teach something and then expect kids to follow through, but some kids don’t. And that’s why they’re not learning as much English. Like sometimes teachers ask very simple yes or no questions. But then also I don’t know how effective that is for learning English. I know giving options to students is helpful if they don’t understand something but yes or no questions put like no ownership on the students.

Anywho, I’ll keep you updated and other things I think they could improve on with teaching.

I’m learning more and more Japanese each day. Though yesterday I still played a bunch of TFT. I wanted to end the season in challenger but I was going to decay so I had to play and I lost infinite. I thought maybe I don’t even have to climb cause I already hit it. I don’t have to put myself through that stress but I just want it there on my record. Sigh. I guess I’ll try but if I don’t make it or start losing a lot then it’s okay. I got my screenshot.

I really want to start working out more but I’m so lazy. I ate a bunch of chocolate yesterday. But I’ve been running a lot. I ran 10 laps around the school with tennis club on Monday and on Tuesday I was eh Ning around with the 3rd graders at recess a lot. My legs have been on fire lately because I’ve been using them a lot when more recently I haven’t been other than standing. But it feels good.

-bearbear

[letterstojori]

11.12

Dear Jori,

Look at these cute donuts! I think you’d like them.

I ran into some more kids at the mall. Some kids I knew. But some weren’t even my kids. They just remembered me from another time I was at the mall because I had my pikachu jacket. I could tell because of the gestures and the only word I knew was Pikachu lol. I kept trying to remember how to ask which school they were from or who was there ALT but I failed.

Saw other kids at Sushiro the other day too. And we also met this 3rd grade half viet half Japanese girl that spoke like pretty decent English lol. She was one of Allen’s students. But I also saw two more of mine, Yuzuho and Yume.

-bearbear

[letterstojori]

11.11

Dear Jori,

THIS SHOONCHOO kid. In DGs chat. UGH he just reminds me of you and it’s soooo annoying LOL. Like he’s always just saying things like X is BIS or WIS or “that can’t be right” like sjhflajdla I hate it.

-bearbear

[letterstojori]

11.10

Dear Jori,

I just had lunch with my 3-3 class in junior high and idk I just feel kinda sad cause they basically can’t talk during lunch at all. And they were just getting yelled at if they made any noise and it’s like they’re still kids. I thought there’d be a little bit of an exception since I was there today and I’m only in each class like once a month but oh well.

-bearbear