lettersleftunsent

[lettersleftunsent]

// to my doom //

dear you,

i'm not sure why i'm writing this right now, but all i know is that i'm so overwhelmed with my feelings for you that i just want to put it in a place outside of my own head. and you know, in my standards, if i decide to articulate my feelings outside my head, it's real. so i know that these feelings are real.

this song was only released yesterday, and i found myself looping it to the thought of you. the song's visualizer shows niki on a beach, and coincidentally, i have associated you with the freedom and peace that comes with being on the beach.

ever since that fateful day in june, i'd always imagine myself drinking a matcha latte and you an iced americano on the way to the beach. we'd sit on the sand, watch the waves crash, talk about sensical things, and laugh our hearts out. there's a recurring thought that you'd want to go home, but you'd assure me that you'd want to stay.

i also imagine you being there during my med school graduation -- sharing how hard it was to have a girlfriend who studies medicine but we saw it through together because our love was too strong.

lovey, everything's lining up for me. i hope it does line up for you too. :)

despite knowing you for a year now, i still cannot wrap my head around the fact that i hold such sacred feelings for you. don't get me wrong, i say this in a positive light. you just did not fit the pattern of the people i used to like as we don't really have a lot of similarities. but regardless, i'm in so deep to the point that i'm very much willing to break my earth for you. i'm in so deep that you dominate my subconscious and keep me at bay the whole day just because you appeared on my dreams.

i want to come home to you every day. i want to hear your voice by the time i go off work. i want to be your first morning thought, your last evening sigh, and every god damn thing in between. the four-hour distance would be nothing.

but as niki sang, "i'm drowning in the deepest of truths. fuck, i think i'm falling for you." this is me admitting that i have grown to love you so much more than i expected myself to.

i love you so much that it consumes me. would you let yourself be consumed too?

[lettersleftunsent]

this queue will probably go down in history as one of the most hurtful things i intentionally did.

[lettersleftunsent]

[lettersleftunsent]

// the last falsetto //

dear you,

when i first listened to this song, i easily associated it with someone. the song makes me feel like i'm walking barefoot at the beach, feeling the warm sand in between my toes, my hair flowing freely with the cold breeze, and my chest feels light as i breathe all my frustrations out in the air. he feels exactly like that. he feels like sunshine.

but after looping it for hours and rereading the lyrics multiple times, i took back the association because it doesn't match. all along, there's an underlying reason why i liked the song, and now, i realize it may be because of you.

there's probably a million things i'd like to say to you, but honestly, i think it'd be best if i just ask — how have you been?

a part of me wholeheartedly wishes that you're well, and that you're living your best life. a part of me wishes you're happy. but the part of me that recognizes the pain you caused totally wishes the opposite. i can't blame her though.

do you even remember how we started out as friends? it was the 5th of december, and we had emptied a lot of bottles. we were both drunk, and you were muttering the most nonsense sentences the world has ever heard despite us having a sensible conversation because the alcohol already took over. when the morning came, we were waiting for everyone to finish getting dressed so that we can go home. you sat by me while i'm hugging my stuffed bear and asked "can i hug you?". you were clingy when you're drunk, and funnily enough, i am too so i said yes. i think that was the first out of the many hugs we get to share. too bad the count finally halted.

we met again that afternoon for a photoshoot, and you, despite sleeping so soundly on the jeep to the point that your friend carried you to his apartment, turned out pretty decent. you looked great, like you weren't hurling hours before. that day was filled with so much bliss, and it's vividly etched in my memory. little did i know, the 6th of december marks a start of a beautiful friendship — so beautiful that the world doomed it to end terribly.

i don't want to delve deeper into what we had because even i cannot verbalize what that was. was there even a concept of "us" or was it just in my mind? all these years, the chronic thought of asking "what are we?" haunted me and what's sad is that i will never know the answer to that. maybe it's better not knowing. maybe it's better to just settle with the fact that you were the reason why my life was filled with bliss for a certain point in time, and for that, i will be eternally grateful.

at the back of my mind, i have this small box filled with little details about you. i know the song you listen to when you need that little push. you know how to braid someone's hair because you do your little niece's hair. you have this certain hyperfixation on this one particular italian word. oh god, i still remember how you smell like -- intoxicating, gentle, familiar.

and at the same time, you knew things about me, things i never even had the chance to verbalize out loud, but you still knew because you paid attention.

it will always be a mystery to me how you knew that i loved that particular song to the point that you asked me to sing it with you. i will never forget every single time you braided my hair because you knew i loved it when people play with my hair. you knew i love stickers, so you bought one that matched mine.

your arms, up until now, are what i consider my safest place in this world. no one has ever come close to the way you made me feel that night – the security, the serenity, the peace, everything – and five years later, you still own a part of me.

i'd like to think we knew each other pretty well -- perhaps to be loved is to be known. however, like the seasons, you and i went through drastic changes. we outgrew a lot of things, including each other. although sometimes, i think about these versions of us -- the version of us who deeply knew each other -- where did they go?

at nights when i walk home alone, or during spontaneous karaoke nights wherein i sing duets with a different person, and whenever i get the urge to braid my hair in the morning before i go to work, the question lingers, "what if?"

i'd like to think there's a universe out there wherein we decided to give in to chance. there's probably a universe wherein i decided to tell you that i love you, and you eagerly said it back. there's probably a universe in which the yearning and pining were mutual, and the love was unconditionally reciprocated.

like the song we sang to each other, i'd come home after a long day because in that world, you'll be mine and i'll be yours.

but that's all this was gonna be – a "what if". ours was never a case of bad timing because we're never made to course through this lifetime together. what we were were just ships that pass in the night — meant to meet at one point in time, but destined to sail off on our separate voyages, never to cross paths ever again.

it's bittersweet that i couldn't even say that our time has passed because we never even happened, but i grew to accept that i was never meant to be a part of your story. not a sentence, probably not even a phrase. i never made a mark on yours, but do remember that you are a whole chapter in mine.

[lettersleftunsent]

// thirteen twenty-three //

dear you,

i avoid indulging myself in thoughts involving you because it brings me back to a version of me that i decided to bury years ago — a version of me that is vengeful, fuming, and extremely violent. tonight's an exception though. just for tonight, i will allow myself to intentionally think of you, of all that wrath and regret because what may seem like small and meaningless to you means a lot to me. you opened up a box of overly consuming emotions that i have worked so hard to permanently seal.

i did not plan to think of you tonight. well, i never really planned on thinking about you ever since we broke up because it was perfectly clear that i was already done with you. to be honest, i was done with whatever we had months before we broke up, but i just don't understand how i'm still living in pain while you're already living your best life.

i'm not saying that you should still be alone or be hung up on me more than three years later. it just feels unfair that you're already off with someone new, experiencing whatever kind of happiness the world can give, while i'm still stuck with the tremendous pain you caused me.

i know it always looked like i had the upper hand in the relationship. i was the one who broke things off even when you didn't want to. i left you when you told me countless times that we should give it another chance. you wanted to hold on, but i don't have the will to hold on to it – to you – anymore.

maybe you thought that it was too easy for me because it only took one simple mistake for me to tell you that i was done. it came as a shock to me as well, but after years of reflection and rewinding everything that i can remember from all those years, it was me who took the brunt of all of it during those three long years. i was already bottling things up, i just wasn't aware of it.

maybe you thought it came naturally to me to be instantly okay after every fight. maybe you thought i was too understanding because i only cry for a while after all the times you stood me up. maybe you thought it was my responsibility to not wear heels when i'm with you because you hate the idea of me being taller than you. maybe you thought it helped me when you asked me to stop wearing shorts whenever i go out because i might get catcalled. maybe you thought it was perfectly fine for me to be your shock absorber whenever you get mad and cuss at me every single time you receive low grades on your assessments. but that's all those were - maybes. those were all maybes because you never really asked if it's okay. you just assumed.

i don't actually blame you for it because i always told you before that i loved you more than i love myself, and loving someone means always being there for the other regardless of the circumstances. but the thing is, whenever i tell you that, you always reply the same thing. you always tell me to save some love for myself, but why is it that when i finally had the courage to tell you that i finally loved myself more than i loved you, you made me feel like i was selfish?

when i suddenly asked for space after a very small misunderstanding, it felt like i was a bad person. it felt like i was asking for too much, but at the time, i really wanted to cut myself loose from your shackles. you've become too painful to look at. you're too suffocating, too unhealthy, and at the time, all i felt for you was indifference.

when i wanted to talk about it with people who knew me and you, they kept telling that it was wrong of me to run away. it was wrong of me to abandon you at the time you needed me the most. no one ever asked how i felt, but they always thought of how you'd feel. they wanted to make sure that you could survive whatever shit you and i were going through at the moment. you were the main priority. it was always you.

when other people, you included, wanted me to choose you and to keep choosing you despite every single thing that’s happening, i chose myself. and while other people believed that it was wrong, it was actually one of the things i did that i never regretted, not once, because that decision gave me my freedom. that decision gave me my life back. it gave me my identity. it gave me back myself.

but you know what decision i regret? numerous times? it was you. choosing you.

now, i just hope i’d be given a do-over. if i could take back time, be that wide-eyed 15-year-old again, i would’ve steered away from the massive red flag that is you.

i don’t deserve to be shattered to miniscule pieces. i don’t deserve to waste the past three years living in chronic emotional pain just because some stupid boy cannot be matured enough to sort out his own feelings. i don't deserve to your sponge just because you feel i'm capable to absorb every single emotion you throw at me.

i deserve to feel happiness, and that’s something you’ll never deserve. not now, not in a million years.