lettersididnotsend

[lettersididnotsend]

for all my positivity, i am nauseatingly nervous about monaco. i want him to at least have this. if nothing else, please let him have this. it would mean so much. to him, to his family, to the team, to all of us. this is, quite possibly, the only chance we can legitimately hope for a win in this season. every race weekend seems to be an odyssey in itself at this point. monaco is his home, treat him with kindness and love, please. i will not ask for anything else – all season long. i will not crumble at the prospect of any other track. but this. let him have Monaco in all it's glory. he's grown up in Monaco's streets, you know how many times he's mentioned that he used to take a bus around the first corner? it is almost endearing, almost with a childlike innocence he loves his country. monaco please welcome him home, let him stand on the top step. the season overall hasn't been kind to him, you have the opportunity to do the kindest thing possible, monaco. you have the opportunity to give him some hope, monaco. please be kind on charles, let him fulfill this shared dream. let him behold you in all your glory, monaco. you have to take mercy on your own, monaco. you have to. you must. please.

May 25, 2023

[lettersididnotsend]

it is officially race week now, baku was kind in '17, '18, and '21 to charles. last year it became the foreshadowing of the end, of the dejection i didn't witness live. i would say that i have been lucky that i started watching since Hungary '22 — i didn't know anything about the tyre compounds and i kept waiting for charles to make up places, but it didn't happen. there was a naive hope for it all, there were promises to the gods involved, but bahrain '23 happened.

the first retirement i saw live and i didn't feel anything, i thought I'd cry, or weep, but the entire weekend was clouded by this internal sense of dread i had and even though little things were going wrong in the lead up to it, even though the rumours were already deafening, i was thinking about his little radio message that would be played at the end of the race seconds before retirement happened.

saudi we got stuck behind, carrying the burdens of the first race forward. australia didn't last past three corners. sigh.

there is hope yet, for baku and monaco in my heart. i am not thinking too far ahead yet. but if we see absolution from Baku, if we see penance rewarded in Monaco, i think we might make it through the season.

Baku has been kind in ways no track has been. Last year was cruel, but. it favours charles more often than not. we keep hope alive still. we have to.

April 24, 2023

[lettersididnotsend]

i've been thinking a lot lately, of how stupidly easy it was to believe in a comeback last season; there weren't enough reasons, to keep my faith in the red, but the austria win disillusioned us all, no one could've prepared us for the fall. i've been thinking a lot lately, of how easy it was to believe in a dream i didn't know existed, to believe in charles. and every corner we turn these days, there seems to be a barrage of issues, engines, race pace and the nightmares about tyre deg. i miss when he smiled in post session interviews. baku will be a turning point. it has to be. it will be. i know it. i feel it. glory with the red team – what every kid dreams. baku will be kind on us, on the team, on him. baku knows – it has been before, too. i don't know what to feel. i really just want to see him back on the top step.

April 12, 2023

[lettersididnotsend]

i got into the habit of write e-mails to ferrari after every session, last season — mostly positive, encouraging, hopelessly hoping for better sessions, wins, praying that they could turn it around after the summer break. being kind, when i was frustrated. wishing whoever read the emails happier days.

i stopped doing it this season, and it's gone horrendously bad. i don't like how it is making me feel at the moment. it feels like i let go of a habit that was keeping everything afloat. i do not want to spam their emails again. therefore, this. letters i did not send. letters i hope somehow channel charles back onto the podium. letters i hope realise an impossible dream into reality by the end of the season. i just want to see him smile after a race sunday.

April, 12, 2023