lest-it-go

[lest-it-go]

sometimes i lay awake at night imagining a life in which i have chosen a different path, but realising then that the past cannot be undone or changed. and that if those countless mistakes i have made were suddenly removed, i may not be the person i am today–so at one side, i don't want to redo anything.

it's such a complicated thing on going back and changing decisions already made, and being in a weird state of content and loathing of moving forward.

[lest-it-go]

I can't believe that the bathroom ghost would throw a tantrum because I left the lights open. I would still have gone and close the lights anyway.

Please don't throw the bucket again...

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Good.

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You're trying your hardest in making everything less tiring. Less consuming. But every plan you make just backfire, and you don't know what to do. You feel like everything is against you. Like you don't belong. Your emotions that you spent years covering just burst out of you like a raging volatile volcano.

You cried. Screamed. Punched. Threw. Rolled. You even tried to do all things at once.

You're tired, you know.

So tired.

You don't know why you even bother trying in the first place, what was the reason? Have you suddenly find the joy in inflicting more pain on yourself? Wasn't it enough?

Are you even enough?

[lest-it-go]

I don't know if I'll finish school. I've been putting off projects and activities in this whole pile of uncertainty. I want to graduate, I really do. I want to travel and buy the things I want for myself, without worrying and feeling guilty afterwards. I have this whole plan I'll be doing in my mid 20's to early 30's, things like sky diving, hiking and camping.

I have this dream I wrote on my journal about the house I'll move to, the conpanions that I'll own, friends to go clubbing and partying.

I even made a collage of foods I'll like to try at least once in my life.

And I want to do it, but for the longest time, I've been feeling that I'm losing myself. I'm a fantastic liar, and is living a triple life. I don't know what's wrong because I've never been diagnosed with anything, never faced a therapist my whole life.

Because I'm an amazing liar, I even managed to fool myself in believing my own lies. I don't know what my identity is, or what I am as a person.

Most days I just go numb all of a sudden, like there is nothing inside of me. Feeling physical pain has been going down as years pass by. Sometimes I'll just start laughing by myself, cry by myself, even talking to myself.

I can't say this to the adults in the family, because they are toxic. My siblings and I don't have a healthy relationship with our parents, I'll rather kill myself than spend time with them, and because of the pandemic going on, I'm forced to see their disgusting faces.

Seven months ago, we've been tested positive, and they are all blaming our cat who never went outside. My maternal grandmother and father abuse our cat so much that she avoids them, she literally isn't comfortable being caressed by our father, and avoids physically touching my grandmother.

Grandmother lied about being stepped on by her(she literally kicked her and she went flying), putting the blame on our poor cat and victimising herself. Kinda happy she got her elbow joint surgically removed.

Father got what he deserved, having two of his five fingers stitched back together. I was definitely happy and just quietly laughed inside the bathroom.

Mother is just less toxic than those two. Has redeemable qualities, but only a few.

For years of abuse, I'm happy seeing them suffer.

[lest-it-go]

Good thing I don't remember most of it!!

The only childhood memories I do remember is the ones people tell me, and only then I get to slowly recall that specific file. Like being drowned, slapped on the face, and alcohol! Oftentimes I just get confused when they say things and the 'did I really do that? Did that really happen?' stuff just dancing in my head.

you ever just sit and realise u can’t remember 80% of your childhood? like … what happened? who am i ..?

[lest-it-go]

how to study with a mental illness!!!! aka a guide to simultaneously caring for yourself and your academics

(disclaimer: this is from purely personal experience and is not a substitute for seeking professional help. these are just personal tips as i was formally diagnosed with depression and anxiety in the third year of college, but had been showing symptoms even in high school. different methods help for different people, but i really hope some of these things can help a struggling student out, because one of the reasons i went on studyblr in the first place was that i felt really lost and anxious.)

1. done is better than none. sometimes an assignment you have to turn in would be objectively easy to complete, but it takes longer to do so because you’re afraid that the final product won’t be as good as you want it to be, or as good as a professor expects it to be. it’s hard to remove those expectations, but it is a little easier when you remember that getting some points (no matter how many they are) are better than getting a deduction for late submissions or not turning in the project at all. many people – including myself – suffer from perfectionism in university, but it is overall more important to complete something to the best of your own ability, and learn from the feedback on the project later on. more importantly, often, you’re doing better than you think you’re doing, so surprise yourself. you can do it. just start.  2.  keep careful track of your deadlines.  much of my undergrad anxiety came from the fact that i knew something was due, but couldn’t keep track of it, or didn’t want to confront it. it’s better to confront it because you have more time to do it slowly and thoroughly. as soon as you hear about an impending exam or paper deadline, keep track of it. personally, i use google calendar. from there, you can make smaller plans and break down your goals to make it more doable! 3. don’t be afraid to ask for help.  there used to be a huge stigma against mental illness, but thankfully, many educational institutions are much kinder and more considerate about it. if you really can’t meet a deadline or come to class, let your professor know. most professors are kind, reasonable people who genuinely care about you and your well-being. even one of my scariest professors granted extensions to a girl who was genuinely struggling with serious depression, and the college of law i’m in takes mental health very seriously to the point that they instruct faculty how to deal with such cases.  if you’re not able to talk to a professor, try to ask help from a classmate or a friend who can share notes or fill you in on how they accomplished a certain assignment. many people will be happy to help. you are not a burden, love. 4. be kinder to yourself.  mental illness is like any illness. it often keeps us from doing as well as we’d like to be because it’s a genuine and serious health problem. sometimes it helps to keep this in mind when we flub a report in class (as i did several tens of times in undergrad), get a bad score, say something ridiculous during recitation, or mess up a paper. it’s okay to do your best while you heal. you know you’re trying your best, and slow growth is still growth. 5. on that note, care for your other needs.  one of my happiest and most fulfilled semesters (even though it was my busiest) was when i had time to see a psychiatrist, run, pack lunches and fruit to school to eat healthy, and have a reasonable-ish sleep schedule. this was during my thesis semester. while i had to take an incomplete, and finish my thesis the next sem, because i was attending to my own needs, i felt like a living, breathing, learning, happy person. and i finished my thesis the next semester. it’s better to look after your own physical health and needs before your academics. 6. sometimes, it’s better to do nothing and rest. you deserve it.  part of the reason i’d been doing horribly in law school was that i didn’t sleep and it was making me mildly unbalanced and incredibly suicidal; not to mention the fact that i wasn’t really retaining any information or performing well. rest days are just as important as days when you study because rest IS productivity.  7. take your meds. see your psych or therapist if you have one. avail yourself of mental health services on campus if there are any. these genuinely saved my life at a time that i thought i was beyond saving. please go seek help if you can.  BONUS: MY STUDY SETUP ON A TERRIBLE MENTAL HEALTH DAY (like today) - i try to clear the space and clean up as much as possible. it makes me feel like i have things under control, and have my work things where i can see them. - i eat something healthy, like fruit, and get a lot of water. i keep a water jug on my desk because it clears my thoughts and helps me replenish the fluids lost from crying (1/2jk). it also really keeps up my strength for the study process. - i turn on a calming playlist, like a jazz or lofi or ghibli playlist. in another window, i turn on a rain sound video on a softer volume, and it helps center me. - it helps when you have a soft or calming scent to calm you down. i use a lavender room spray, and it makes me feel cozy and productive, but in undergrad, i used this tea-tree lavender mix and it smelled like sunny afternoons and guitar coffeshop playlists. it really is nice. - there are breathing exercises and gifs all over the internet. they help calm you down when things seem Too Much.  i really hope this helps, guys. don’t hesitate to message me if you’ve been having a hard time with school or life or anything. please, please care for yourselves. you can do it.  – sam

[lest-it-go]

Zuko and “doing nothing”

In “The Southern Raiders,” Zuko’s characterization during his conversation and Katara’s confrontation against Aang has been widely regarded to be inaccurate, his open hostility a jarring difference from the tentative hopefulness he has shown to the Gaang prior. It has been said numerous times by other ATLA meta writers that Bryke had interfered with Elizabeth Welch’s script, adjusting it so that the “there would be less Zutara” among other changes. No matter whether such claims are true or false, the end product is still a clashing mess of halfhearted ideals and backwards characterization, as the following lines of dialogue demonstrate:

Katara: Now that I know he’s out there … now that I know we can find him, I feel like I have no choice. Aang: Katara, you do have a choice: forgiveness. Zuko: That’s the same as doing nothing! Aang: No, it’s not. It’s easy to do nothing, but it’s hard to forgive.

Within the context of the conversation, Zuko’s line, “that’s the same as doing noting,” implies that he looks down upon Aang for promoting the more peaceful resolution - to forgive Yon Rha - thus providing a number of certain meta writers with the ammunition they need to decry Zuko as a violent and dark influence on Katara. However, Zuko never tries to sway Katara to do anything - he gives her the choice to seek closure and trusts her to do whatever it is she needs. So it’s not that Zuko is denouncing compassion and forgiveness (he was still trying to earn the Gaang/Katara’s forgiveness, after all) but that he’s denouncing the passivity of Aang’s proposed solution. Following Aang’s rationale, Katara can effectively “forgive” Yon Rha even without knowing what has become of him, without knowing if he was still in the Fire Nation Navy, without knowing if he was still hurting the innocent.

Once we examine Zuko’s dialogue in the context of agency rather than violence, an interesting possibility opens itself up.

Zuko and Katara’s relationship with their mothers are narrative parallels, with Ozai and Yon Rha respectively removing them from their lives, and as such, it’s reasonable to assume that Zuko is relying on some of own experiences to try to understand Katara. So what does “doing nothing” mean for Zuko?

It means becoming complicit in the Fire Nation’s imperialistic campaign.

It means thinking scarring a 13 year old boy is justified.

It means letting his fear prevent him from calling out his father’s wrongdoings.

It means seeing his uncle imprisoned and saying he deserves it.

And it means breaking his promise to his mother and forgetting who he is.

[lest-it-go]

I can still keep going. I'm going to make it.

I got my heart broken and I survived, I failed 3 courses in university and graduated, I got rejected in the very first job I applied for and got promoted yesterday, I went through hard times with my family but then two years later, we laughed our hearts out over lunch, The closest friends disappointed me several times but I made new friends and loved them with all my heart. I did it once, I can do it again.

[lest-it-go]

I imagine Zuko doing something straining, and being caught by Katara. I didn't know how it just turned into that, but okay.

Like, Zuko walking inside the palace and checking everything out, but also reminiscing about his past. Then Katara sees him— walking and bowing to anyone he come across when he should still be resting, she scolds him on being reckless and repeatedly asking if he feels alright.

He says that dreaded line, and she just GETS so MAD that he's taking his injuries lightly. And he fought his sister in the day where all the Firebenders are much more powerful because of the Comet's distance.

And dear darling Zuko—like the awkward man child that he is—made it even worse when he bashfully smiled.

“Someone can't joke like that! You—” Katara pointed straight at the star-shaped scar—“can't joke like that...did you know that your heart stopped?” tears had welled up as she silenced her sobs.

“I-I didn't know what to do and when you opened your eyes I couldn't-I couldn't be angry at you because...because you sacrificed your life, your throne..the world..peace, and I felt so scared to lose you—”

Katara felt arms wrapped around her, pulling her in for a hug, and she felt safe.

After the final Agni Kai:

Katara: Zuko, you idiot! You’re hurt!

Zuko: Nah, I’m okay. The doctor said all my bleeding is internal. That’s where the blood is supposed to be!

Katara: >:(

Zuko: :D

[lest-it-go]

Don't force anything on your kids.

oh gods it was parents evening again tonight..

other parents: how did you do that?

Me:do what?

Other parents: your teenager is eating a salad..

Me:i never forced him eat, now he will pretty much eat anything…except chicken casserole which we both agree is gross

Other parents:we don’t get it.

Me: our only rules are bed at eleven on a school night and don’t hack any important government agencies.

Other parents: you don’t restrict screen time?

Me: you know 95% of kids will self regulate, given the chance?

Other parents: thats not true

Me: have you tried it?

other parents:…but, now he’s reading 1984

Me: he has had a university reading level since he was 12, what am i going to do censor his reading material?

other Parents: what if he reads something you don’t approve of..

Me: i fail to see your reasoning…

Me: you know he cooks too..it’s our mother/son time, we talk about his friends…

other Parents: he talks??

[lest-it-go]

I figure out I had ADHD last year, but I didn’t seek an official diagnosis and medication until this year. I’m 30 years old, my school days are long behind me. I slipped through the cracks because I have predominately inattentive type and I was a quiet little girl. Having ADHD does not mean you have to be hyperactive and loud, it means you have a processing problem in your brain that doesn’t allow you to regulate your focus or emotions. 

Mental health even now is still taboo to talk about. People are more open now than ever about it however and that gives me hope. 

This is a profoundly personal comic and it only reflects my own experience with ADHD. It is on a spectrum with a wide range of personalities. But if my story connects with someone else and helps them, that would mean the world to me.

[lest-it-go]

Yes, yes he carries the bags in the relationship. He even insist to carry it, a very helpful companion to have during shopping trips.

Both. His feelings transcends the main and backstage stories.

Huhu, how right you are..

Can someone please enlighten me?

Is it canon that Sakyo carries Izumi’s bag when shopping together?

If so, did it happen in a backstage story or something?

If not, it would be a nice SakyoIzu content tho...