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[lesabreloop]

Episode 2: "The LeSabre Loop & The Talmudic Sorcerer of the Bronx"

Title: That Time I Got Fisted in the Back Seat of a Buick Lesabre While Eating Top Ramen in June

Episode 2: "The LeSabre Loop & The Sorcerer of the Bronx"

FADE IN:

INT. 1986 BUICK LESABRE - NIGHT Kaname bolts awake in the back seat, a half-eaten cup of ramen still in her lap. She groans.

KANAME (muttering) If I have to wake up in this crusty-ass car one more time…

The TALKING KOREAN CAT hops onto the dashboard, puffing on his tiny cigarette.

TALKING KOREAN CAT You will. Until you stop being stupid.

Kaname glares at him and shovels a bite of ramen into her mouth.

KANAME Okay, so what’s the deal? Why this car? Why 1986? And why does my ramen never spill?

TALKING KOREAN CAT Quantum stabilization. Your consciousness resets every time you sleep outside the Lesabre. You have to figure out how to break the loop.

KANAME And what happens if I don’t?

TALKING KOREAN CAT (deathly serious) You become Keith.

Kaname freezes mid-bite, eyes wide in horror.

KANAME Oh hell no.

EXT. PIZZA HUT - NIGHT Kaname and Keith sit in a booth, a large pan pizza steaming between them. Keith, ever the tragic simp, keeps sneaking lovestruck glances at Kaname.

KEITH So, uh, I was thinking, since we’re trapped in a time loop and all, maybe we could… you know… go to prom together?

Kaname slaps a slice onto her plate with zero enthusiasm.

KANAME Keith, I would rather lick the floor of a 7-Eleven bathroom.

Keith sighs dramatically, resting his chin in his hands.

KEITH You say that now, but I know deep down, there’s a spark between us—

Before Keith can finish, the restaurant lights flicker. A cold wind howls through the Pizza Hut, making the red plastic cups tremble.

KARL (gripping his whiskey bottle) Oh, hell. He’s here.

The front door swings open, revealing MORDECAI GOLDSTEIN—a towering figure in a long black coat, yarmulke adorned with arcane symbols, and glowing blue Talmudic scrolls hovering around him. His voice is like gravel and thunder.

MORDECAI (booming) Who dares tamper with the threads of fate in my domain?

Keith shrieks and dives under the table. Kaname, still chewing her pizza, raises an eyebrow.

KANAME (sarcastic) Oh great, a time wizard. Let me guess—this is the part where you monologue?

Mordecai extends a hand, and the floating scrolls unravel, spewing forth golden Hebrew letters that crackle with energy.

MORDECAI You mock forces beyond your comprehension, girl! The Buick Lesabre is a conduit of ancient power, and you… you are an anomaly that must be corrected!

Karl stumbles to his feet, dramatically pointing at Mordecai.

KARL Not today, bagel boy!

Karl hurls his whiskey bottle, but Mordecai waves a hand and transmutes it into a gefilte fish midair. It lands with a wet slap against the table.

Kaname wipes her mouth, stands up, and cracks her knuckles.

KANAME Alright, magic rabbi. Let’s dance.

KEITH (from under the table) Please don’t kill my wife!

MORDECAI Silence, worm!

Mordecai slams his hands together, and the entire Pizza Hut warps into an ancient temple, the walls shifting into massive stone carvings covered in Hebrew inscriptions. The employees remain unfazed, one of them still assembling a salad bar in the background.

Kaname glances around, unimpressed.

KANAME Okay, that’s kinda cool.

TALKING KOREAN CAT (scoffs) Meh, I’ve seen better.

Mordecai raises his arms, and golden light pulses through the temple. The very air hums with energy as a colossal spectral golem forms behind him, its eyes burning with righteous fury.

MORDECAI You will not escape the judgment of the Elders!

KANAME (unbothered) Cool. So, do I punch you, or the golem?

KARL (grinning) Hit 'em both, kid.

Kaname stretches, rolling her shoulders.

KANAME Alright then.

She lunges forward, fist cocked back, ready to start the fight of a lifetime.

FADE TO BLACK.

[lesabreloop]

Episode 1: "Through the Time Warp Glory Hole"

FADE IN:

INT. LIBRARY - NIGHT KANAME UZEMAKI (19, bookish, perpetually tired) adjusts her glasses, a hot bowl of top ramen in her hand as she flips through an old book on quantum anomalies.

KANAME (scoffing) Right, like I’m supposed to believe in a "temporal rift caused by non-Euclidean orifices." What kind of pervert wrote this?

A loud WHOOSH echoes from behind a nearby bookshelf. Kaname turns to see a glowing, swirling hole pulsating in the wall.

KANAME (deadpan) ...Of course.

She leans in for a closer look when suddenly—she’s sucked in, ramen and all.

SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. RANDOM PARKING LOT - NIGHT (1986)

Kaname crash-lands onto the hood of a 1986 BUICK LESABRE. Her ramen miraculously remains intact.

KANAME (holding up ramen) Still hot. Neat.

From the shadows emerges a TALKING KOREAN CAT, tuxedo-patterned, smoking a tiny cigarette. He eyes Kaname with the weariness of a creature who’s seen too much.

TALKING KOREAN CAT (in perfect Korean, subtitled) Congratulations, dumbass. You’re trapped in 1986.

KANAME (flatly) Neat.

TALKING KOREAN CAT (still in Korean) No, not neat. Stupid. Stupid girl. You sleep anywhere but this Lesabre, the day resets. And guess what? It takes you nine episodes to figure that out.

Kaname looks around, unimpressed.

KANAME (sipping ramen) So what’s the catch?

From across the lot, KEITH (a 20-year-old proto-incel, mullet, trench coat he doesn’t deserve) steps forward, eyes twinkling with misguided romantic ambition.

KEITH (softly) Are you... an angel?

Kaname squints at him.

KANAME No. I am a mistake.

Keith gasps, clutching his heart.

KEITH (whispering) Even your humility is ethereal.

Before Kaname can respond, a loud, guttural laugh pierces the air. Enter KARL (mid-60s, Hawaiian shirt, somehow both greasy and dry). He carries a bottle of cheap whiskey and the stench of poor life choices.

KARL Ahhh, fresh meat! Welcome to the Lesabre Loop, kid. Name’s Karl. I’ll be your pervy old mentor. First lesson: Don’t ask questions. Second lesson: You got any money? No? That’s fine, we’ll hustle Keith.

Keith gasps in betrayal.

KEITH Karl, no!

KARL Karl, yes.

The Talking Korean Cat sighs and flicks away his cigarette.

TALKING KOREAN CAT You’re all doomed.

Kaname, unfazed, takes another bite of her ramen, looking up at the night sky.

KANAME So let me get this straight. I’m trapped in 1986, forced to sleep in a car that looks like an overcooked loaf of bread, and my only company is a delusional simp, a chain-smoking cat, and the crypt keeper’s drunk uncle?

TALKING KOREAN CAT That about sums it up.

KANAME (sighs) Cool. Might as well find a blanket.

Karl grins and slaps Keith on the back.

KARL Keith, go fetch the newbie a pillow.

KEITH (dejected) Yes, sensei...

FADE TO BLACK.

[lesabreloop]

New anime "That Time I Got Fisted in the Back Seat of a Buick LeSabre While Eating Top Ramen in June" from CrunchyHole! Please look forward to it