leonnotes

[leonnotes]

9/2/2021

Today I still bear the weight of my mother’s words. Napansin naman nila na may mali sakin buong araw, pero hindi ko masabi. Hindi nila maiintindihan. Nasasaktan ako, ramdam kong wala akong kwenta. Ayoko na.

[leonnotes]

9/1/2021

Today I woke up and I am not happy that I did.

Kagigising ko lang, sinalubong ako agad ni mama nang pagbati, “Pasko na, boy. Wala ka pa ring trabaho”. Nahihirapan na ako. Gustong gusto ko na mawala.

[leonnotes]

8/31/2021

I am dead tired, hopeless, and depressed.

Stuck in community quarantine are my dreams of getting that RPT this year, 2021. Still, my NYSED paper has not been approved; Currently on my 4th cycle of intensive phase of review, barely getting by day by day; stuck in the house getting chores done; pressured of not contributing to family expenses even though with a degree and a license.

I am tired of this cycle of getting my dreams delayed, falling short on my short and long term goals. Waking up everyday with anxiety attacks is no joke. I am dead tired. I don’t see a glimmer of hope in front of me. I don’t see any light at all. I am in my darkest era, and I want to end this life already. I am too weak. I am too tired. I am too battered to continue. I want to rest myself in the confidence that tomorrow will be better, but everyday I wake up and everything somehow makes its way to get worse. I do not know what else to do. I have no worth at all. I am useless. I am in pain. I want to die.

[leonnotes]

2017

Iiwanan na lahat ng sakit

Bibitawan ang lahat ng mabigat sa dibdib

Magpapaalam na sa lahat ng lungkot

Hihinga nang malalim, at sasabihing ito ang natatanging sagot.

Maraming beses na akong nasaktan. I asked for a "Happy 2017", at natupad naman yon. I established unforgettable memories, welcomed new people in my life, and of course had to say goodbye to some other too. This is the happiest, yet the most heartbreaking year for me. It's funny how a single year can change you. Ito na yata ang toughest year ever para sa akin. Lahat ng challenges super upgraded: sa acads, sa love life, sa social, family, and etc. Life is fair, but the world is not. We can't have it all, sabi nga nila. Dama ko parin ang mga galos sa maraming beses na pagkakadapa ko ngayong taon, at alam ko rin na mahirap pang bumangon sa pagkakadapang ito.

Most of my friends know well how I took the greatest fall of my life. Kumbaga sa first paragraph, sinabi ko na it's funny how a single year can change you, dito it's crazy how a single person can bring so much sadness in your life. Well syempre, only the ones who made you happy before are capable of bringing so much loneliness in your life. Pero life goes on, ika nga. You live and you learn. And I'm happy I'm learning. Thanks to you, T.

Sa ngayon, I am hoping for the best year this coming 2018. I want to keep my circle small, and focus more on myself muna. Sarili muna. This is going to be my year. Babawi na.

[leonnotes]

It has been a long long time ago since i made my last poem. I guess that's how hard my heart turned to be. From all the scars; The stitches The pain And all.

It was a never ending story of foolish heart, That is willing to play the fool maybe forever.

How much painful can it get? Never to experience such happiness that forever he is searching. What else can be worse than this? To feel that the world is providing joy to everyone else but you; That life itself is nothing but your one and only losing game.

[leonnotes]

The Invisible Man

I was a song with a cheerful melody at the beginning. I was a comedy, a show, a movie with a great meaning. It was a novel, my love for you has always been; A love that lasts forever, stays in my heart, deep within.

It was a dream for me to catch your precious attention, But it stays a dream, and never would it reach my expectations. A thousand poems may be written beautifully, But nothing will beat my love for you which it truly.

Coz maybe to you, all that I am is an invisible man, And maybe there are no other ways that I can Express what I feel and say the words in this poem, And how much I wanted my heart to be your home.

And now the song that was cheerful turns lonely; And the comedy that I was ends up a tragedy. Invisible man that I am, cannot ever be seen No matter how much I wanted this love story to begin.

[leonnotes]

untitled

I can't fall in love with you. I will be obsessed with the talking, the stalking and the feeling.

I can't fall in love with you. There will be endless times I wish our conversation's neverending.

I can't fall in love with you. I will do so much of overthinking. I will lose focus just in everything.

I can't fall in love with you. Just when my heart finds a reason to beat, it won't stop till it gets crashed again.

I can't fall in love with you. I'm afraid I cannot stand perfection. You can sing, you can cook. You're smart and you're just too good.

I can't fall in love with you. Cause you always describe the man you like, and every single word would mean the opposite of who I am. I know that I am never enough to people, and that I am never enough for you.

I can't fall in love with you. It will be hard for me to detatch myself to you. I will depend so much that the only way I can go to sleep is to cry till my eyes get tired of thinking we will never become one.

I can't fall in love with you. I'd die staring at you. I'd die doing just everything for you, and find myself empty after all it is through.

I can't fall in love with you. There are a million reasons that I shouldn't, but only one powerful reason to do otherwise; and that is I already have. I have fallen in love with you.

[leonnotes]

Flames

The fire you lit in my heart so tender Heats my chest and soul with your love I was frozen since you came; I still remember And having to experience the heat is enough

At first it felt so much good to melt The ice and coldness built by yesterday But then, the fire grew and hotter it felt Until it hurts, more than words could ever say

It came crashing down my soul And burning my whole life into ruins Your love felt so strong; can't control And it destroyed all that I was dreaming

I winced and winced for the pain, I can't endure And tears couldn't just water all these burning flames I gave my all, my everything, even though unsure And now I suffer in all of my days

No words could explain, I loved you best But all that I got was a shattered heart For the love you gave to me is a jest It burnt my all: the flames; the love you did start.

[leonnotes]

I’m Gonna Kill You

I'm gonna kill you Bury you with thousands of words, And endless thoughts. Make you the subject of my poems, The rythm of my songs, The protagonist of my epic, And everything.

I'm gonna kill you With this playlist of songs of broken hearts; With melodies that strike a heart, Crush the soul, And drown the shadows of you in my mind.

I'm gonna kill you With this voice shouting and crying Singing songs of loneliness Saying reasons of why I shouldn't ever Have started falling for you, That caused me sleepless nights and daydreaming Of what could and should've been.

I'm gonna kill you Drown you with tears and blood That spill from these eyes that swell And cuts from my wrists. Coz i've spent so much time, So much blood and tears, So much deaths and more From this love that you didn't even make me feel.

Through all these killings I've only made everything worse. I only let you live inside me even longer With roots and thorns wrapping up my heart Chains and jails of your everything In this mind.

And only then I realized After all these thoughts and acts of killing you, I've been a fool, Cause what I all did is kill myself.

[leonnotes]

Life Evaluation 1.1

Summer 2017. It's April. Freakin hot, eh?

I planned a couple of times to do life evaluation pero it turned out na sobrang tamad kong gawin ito. Anyways, here it is! After a year of coming out, ang dami daming struggles, "what ifs", wag na lang kaya moments ang hinarap ko. I know, although I did know in the first place since I was a kid na ganito ako pinanganak, still I denied it 'till I was 17. Hay buhay. Paano ba naman kasi, I lived in the world na para bang epidemya o malalang sakit ang pagkakaganito. I lived in this family, although there were evidently existing "ka-feds" still cannot accept them, as they are (for consistency rules, I used "them" pero "we" talaga yan 😉). Mocking such as "'bat kaya dumadami ang mga bakla, e hindi naman sila nanganganak?".

What I know for sure is that there really is something sa pagiging tulad namin. Some says you are born with it, and some says influence daw talaga e. Well maybe they're right. Some theories can defend both parties. Pero in my case, I'm born with it. I knew it when I was still young. Naalala ko pa noong bata ako I always wonder why does my 'thing' harden and lengthen whenever I watch krystala fighting with guys, or watching "Super Inggo" dahil inaabangan ko lagi si Derek Ramsey as "Machete". No wonder he's my first ever crush!!! As innocent as I am back then, I asked my mom why does the 'thing' get hard? Her answer was "naiihi ka niyan kasi."

Naku ewan ko ba bakit ganito kagulo ang mundo para sa akin noon. With bones so lamya, and balat sibuyas, everyone can easily say na I am "BAKLA". Yes. Caps lock para intense, kasi ganiyan nila sinasabi yung word na yan e. Pasigaw, o kaya painsulto tone. Masakit sa akin noon. Kaya I kept what I feel sa sarili ko lang. Whenever I feel that 'kilig' or a "puppy libog", it wouldn't reflect yung affect ko.

Kinaya ko naman. Then technilogical advancement took place sa house namin. Nagkalaptop kami, kahit gradeschool pa'ko and I get to access the internet pa. Dangerously, I explored so many videos sa youtube. And my fetish since I was stillt this little kid is nipples. Yes! I touch them especially when i feel cold. And I have fhis weird obsession sa pagtouch ng sides ng unan, panyo and etc. hahaha I know it's embarassing. I started watching youtube videos of muscled men. I kissed the laptop screen, and touch my nipples as I watch them flexing their huge guns. Yun lang naman noon. Then come High School, first year. Medyo gumrabe na. I started watching kissing scenes. Tapos I really can't forget how my first masturbation took place. Hay. It was Zeb Atlas that released the white demons out of my thing. That happened kasi before I am to review for our periodical exams, baka I felt horny (this time I really can't remember). Afraid that I am, trembling and smelling the first release of my life, syempre tumakbo ako sa banyo. And felt really really scaaaaared. Scared that I even thought of not doing that again ever. Pero come Xmas vacay eto si Daniel Marvin. He's the second one 😉 haha u know it!

So much of those nasty things. It continued on and on. I spent so many years of watching gay porn believing that I am still a straight guy. Niloloko sarili ganon. That's also when I started falling to the wrong guy. Dahil lang idol ko siya magdoodle, drawig and shit, nagustuhan ko siya. At nandidiri ako till now thinking why was I so crazy about him loool. Ayokong pagusapan to!!!!

Nothing really significant event regarding this matter took over until I was second year college (2nd sem). Ay mali. Nainlove pala ako sa isang straight guy. His name is Kit loool. It's significant kasi he knew I have crush on him 😂 oh my gad. Those were the days. I can't explain how crazy I was din that time. Come second yr, second sem i have this classmate na gay din. Gwapo siya. Talented. Matalino. Kaklasi ko siya nung first yr hanggang second yr pero noong second year kolang siya napansin talaga. Kasi nagusap kami every night. Aminado din ako na binibigyan ko ng meaning lahat ng sinasabi niya, kaya nafall talaga ako teh. Grabe talaga. Pero hindi naman kasi niya ako gusto kaya nagmove on din. At nakapagmove on na. Pero it's him I thank the most kasi siya ang nagpush sakin to do what i have to do, along with Gab (bisexual friend ko din). It started sa mga "kwentuhan mo nga ako" antics ni Zsan. I was wondering why he's asking such. Pero I suspected na rin at the same time. I finally made kwento when this Gab said she knows who my crush is (Kit). Sobrang nagulat ako non kasi it's the first time someone told me that they know my crush and of course by that, they knew what I really am. And the plan for a change took place.

Ang dami kong kaartehan. Dumating sa point na medyo pasuko na si Zsan sa akin. Na susuportahan na lang niya ako sa pagsisikreto ko (which I thank the Lord did not let it happen). At ayun nga. I started coming out. Chatting my friends, of course andiyan ang best friend kong si Dhey to check me out always. That's where we become really really close.

I've had a lot of crushes. Till now jusko. Lahat ata ng "unknown followings" ko sa instagram at facebook ay crush ko. Napakaunreachable pa. Ang taas kasi ng standards ko nakakainis hahaha. Kaya hanggang dun lang ang lahat. This is also the era where I first tried apps like Hornet, Grindr, and Tinder. Tapos nitry ko din si Blued. Every little app is the same as the others. Wala akong makikitang kaforever ko don haha. It's hard na mas mahirap pang humanap ng love sa mundong pinili ko. Kadalasan pantawid gutom ang hanap nila e. Which, I am still not ready para doon hehe.

I always ask God for a wish kapag nakukumpleto ko yung simbang gabi ganon. O kaya sa simple prayers. I was always asking for "honors", "medals", "awards", "high grades" kasi yun lang naman pinagkakaabalahan ko e. Dun ako nageexcel. I am the achiever type of a person. Pero this year, 2017, I made a general wish and just let God give me what he thinks is the best for me to receive. Naghiling ako ng "Happy 2017". Masayang 2017 lang. Siya na bahala what is that "happiness" he will give me, kung academic excellence ba, love, financial (lol), uhm family happiness (coz you know laging may issues), friendships, etc. Well happy naman ako e. Kaya lang inaamin ko di pa ako kuntento. I've always been the best student since I was first year college. Sana hanggang ngayong third year. I would be very happy if I will be.

[leonnotes]

Just Do It!

I know you are tired. I know you are upset and distressed. But you have to keep moving on. You have to get back on track. Don't break the words you left on to your facebook wall when you were in high school; that you have been battered, yet never defeated.

We all experience tough times. They're inevitable, and more often than not, they lead to hopelessness, added in the anxiety and the stressful 'what am I gonna do next?'. So what really is happening with you?

If the reality does not wake you up, I hope this message will somehow remind you of them. Do it for your father; who sacrificed the longest era of being away from you since you were born, and getting the chance to meet you only with a span of 2 months, or less. Yes, it may have been rough that he's there; complaining, shouting, cursing, and even beating you up when you were still a kid. Yes, you may have a hard heart toward all the gallons of tears he's brought to each and every insensitivity. But never forget what he's done to this family. You consume all your necessities plus your whims from the poured out blood, sweat and energy of his dirty hands, smelly clothes, egg-filled tummy, and misery of an almost 300 days of being far from you.

Do it for your mother; who wakes up early in the morning almost every day in the week, just to prepare for your breakfast before finally going to school. For washing your clothes, ironing and sometimes sewing them; for always making sure you've filled your stomach with something healthy and clean; for the neverending love she has been pouring out to you, in some sort of creative forms that you even forget to notice most of the time. This has been a lot of continuous and never failing effort of carressing you, even when you were still as tiny as a piece of sand in her womb, up to bearing you for 9 months, and for stressing your dad and everyone else into what you were craving at the moment. Until this time that you are a college student; demanding so much more effort and misery, seeing you away from home which you were always in for a long time.

Do it for your sister, Diane, who, even though failing at other times, has agreed to pay for your monthly dormitory rental. Who has shown you love that you have not seen for some reasons.

Do it for your sister, Christine, who has always been your companion in all your family ups and downs, thick and thins, and its lifelong bittersweet journey. It may have been an issue that she is strict and shit, still, she has a pure heart that is ready to accept and love you,a nd support you in everything you do. All those laughters and chitchat times when you are washing the dishes, all those silly moments of gossiping and stuff. Never forget that she is your first best friend, and your first enemy as well. You have learned a lot from her, and whatever happens, it is indeniable that she played a role in your growth as a person.

Do it for your high school best friends, who are always there when you need them. Who give you hugs and kisses when you're academically stressed and preoccupied; talk to you about your problems when your family cannot manage to do so; wakes you always with unchanged tied hearts together; bring the memories back; and wait untill you all bloom to successful professionals of your field one day.

Do it for your college friends, whom you have spent sleepless nights with at mcdo, jollibee, 7-eleven AUF-MC, in dormitories, and still waking up to meeting them still in the four halls of a classroom with a loud-crazy ass atmosphere in it, even though evidently distressed with acads, full circle and heavy eye bags and literal bags; whom you have cried and lean shoulders on when you were so hopeless into still continuing this difficult ass course; whom you promised to be together, graduate together, take and pass the boards together and top it: all in the same time. Life in college is tough. Really really tough, but it has been tolerable with them. All the pains, downfalls, stresses, hopelessness, near-suicide incidence, you have faced altogether.

Do it for your future patients; who you promised to provide quality optimal care without regard to something to obtain from them except fulfillment, learning, and fruitful experiences. They have been waiting for a health care provider that has a pure heart, ready to serve, with incomparable competence skills and everything.

Do it for your dreams; whom when you were in high school, you have fought hard to take the course you want. Now that you are in this moment, there is no backing off. You are halfway to reaching a degree. A badge of your fruits from the many years you have studied and prepared to become a professional; to the sacrifices of leaving the house early, staying awake till the sun rises to another day, all the money and effort you've poured, missing the family reunions/gatherings/time in Sundays. I'm sure with all these, you wouldn't dare to give it up just that easy. Of all the hardships and battles you've faced, have not you become stronger? Have not you been tested by the fire and whip of info overload, mental breakdown and even physical one, and many more? Isn't it your dream to become a top notcher, with your name carved or printed on a wood and placed at the facade of AUF, showing on the big screen, or even on the tarpaulin by the footbridge? Isn't it your dream to earn the money you're gonna be spending for cars, houses, stuff, clothings, shoes, watches, and everything? Of the long journey you've traveled for this dream, why would you think of giving up just now?

Do if for God, who has been the source of all knowledge, passion, determination, wisdom, understanding, etc. do it for Him, of watching your every single move everyday; in always having open arms to accept you again, and a replenishing light of forgiveness in each and every time you've subjected yourself to evil and commit sin.

Do it for yourself. Coz you have been doing it before. This time it may have been tougher; but You have to do it still. Do it, just do it. Cause at the end of the day, you're still gonna it. You have no other choice but to do it as God willed to do so. ❤️

[leonnotes]

Here’s to my too many “I don’t know’s” and “maybe’s”

I AM TIRED.

Of everything. Of all the messed up things I caused. Why do I feel like this every time? I mean it wasn't as bad as it was back then. Things get worse. Every day. Every season of my life.

Why do I feel like I'm living without a purpose? Am I being misdirected in everything that I am looking up to? Why was everything so fine back then, and that "everythjng" turn the other way around now. Why was it like that? Why in every day that I wake up, i think of the same routine that I need to accomplish? Why oh God why?

Each day of this era of my life, I became tired of the life I'm living. Yeah. Purposeless in the way that my life is revolving in the same circle day by day. A cycle that it is, I find myself stuck up in a boring, nonsense, hungry for a purposeless damn stuff, and depressed in the lowest state it can ever reach. Why does every day life become a boring cycle for me?

Was it really purposeless? These everything that I do? It's really not that I ain't going to achieve something when i finish this hell of a degree that I am putting all my efforts for. Maybe it's that I don't find the sense of why am I doing this. It's clear that I want to become a successful practitioner someday. Of course i have my goals. And I'd love to achieve them. Well, I have to be honest with you, I don't just want to achieve them. I want to achieve everything that I can, with COLORS. Yeah it's always been like that. I don't know why am I so obsessed with these goals of mine.

Yes. It's clear that everyday, I keep whining and my life is revolving about school, or college, or any related stuff. It's actually great and really fulfilling to achieve such things with identified extra 'achievements'. But being preoccupied with this in an evidently great amount, I don't think it does feel any better. Well maybe, for some who got their lives (or shit) together, or those that have very supportive family, or comrades around them. Maybe that's the thing. I don't know. I just don't know everything.

What in the world would even be harder than to have a family in a conflictual state. I understand that there are other people who experience the greater challenges in their family like having to lose a family member especially a parent, or having their family broken, i don't know. The problem is don't know what the problem is. In all the problems i face, it's my friends I run to. Never have I sought my family to the stuff about me. I just know they're not there for me. And it never worked when I first tried opening something up to them. But this matter is too personal for me to share in this blog.

Maybe it's true when people say "if it seems easy, you're doing it wrong." Still, I don't know what's happening. Back then, studying was really an enjoyable thing for me. I enjoy it so much, and at the same time, I get fair scores and performance in all of the activities that the school demands. Come later in second year, little by little, everything poses as a greater challenge for me. Life became harder ever than I experienced. Oh well, life for me was just revolving around "academic stuff".

After having to impress my mentors, as well as my colleagues (to be), the pressure was getting higher and higher. It was fair enough for me to cope with them back then, but things really change so fast. The pressure I enjoy then is the same pressure that's causing me depression, anxiety, and everything right now. It's hard you know.

Is it motivation that I'm lacking? Primarily, that is what I'm thinking. Maybe no one ever has become an inspiration for me to work my ass off for them. But if it weren't because of the goals and achievements I obtain and work for, my life would be even more purposeless than it is right now. Well, I don't know. Maybe my life can be happier. Maybe it's because of everything i do for studying that's caused me a miserable life? Was I wrong from the very start?

Or maybe I was just trying too hard?

[leonnotes]

Beauty and brains 😂 💖 #latepost #collegerecognitionday

[leonnotes]

An open letter to W

It was actually a swift circumstance that I am risking my another hope for you. At first, I admit that it all started when I am down to my last hopes for my "almost lover"; that to forget every pain, every sorrow, and every misery, I conditioned myself to find another man to set everything in equilibrium, and that you came.

I do not really know if I am over with him already. Every moment and every impactful event that I faced from the last 2 months passed as swift as the speed of light. Maybe there is still a vacant part of my heart that only he can fill the space. But believe me, time will heal all wounds, and i believe it is happening to me already. And the only space I am looking forward to right now, is the one that you hold.

It's not crystal clear, my motives are right now. I don't want to overthink, nor fall in love as hard as I did in my past. I am so tired and drowned with sadness brought by heartaches. I don't want to bet my everything again to somebody I am going to fall in love with, like I did to my last 2 heartaches. Am I doing it the right way now? Or just making everything worse?

I do like you. A lot. There are a lot of reasons that I do. I do not know how to approach you because you do not even know me. And I don't think you are interested. It shows through how you respond. 😿😔 Why would the world show such beauty of my preference, but shows no chance of it getting caught? Why in every time I'd find somebody I like, turns out to be the fool who will break my heart. Or am I the fool?

It's obvious that you like somebody else, and that I am here staring at you, the night sky; a perfect metaphor between me and you. An unreachable thing for me to dream of, and as dark as the chance of me getting you here beside me. Why would the world spoil you to something you can never get? Why would the world spoil you to somebody whom you never have the chance to be with? Why would the world spoil you to everything that's good at the beginning, and turns out a tragedy at the end of the story?

[leonnotes]

It is very important for us, people to remain meek and humble of the things we achieve, of the blessings we receive. Whatever things we bound higher on earth would be bounded lower into heaven. The journey that we take today is only a preparation for the eternal life within the presence of our heavenly father. Godbless us all.

©NoelAlvaro