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[lemmyexotic]

England New Forest Gothic

The bus is early, you sprint to get to the stop in time, the bus driver smiles at you. He never smiles at you. He shakes your hand and let's you on for free. "Weird " , you think but continue upstairs.  You hope to catch a glimpse of an open field somewhere down the road. There was a storm last night and the townfolk whispered of an opening in the 20 feet tall barrier hedges . You hate hedges and wish someone would burn them all down. You read a government sign out loud : Hedge vandals will be prosecuted.

The top deck of the bus is full of elderley people wearing goat horns and masks, your hands start to sweat.  You were warned not to go to the top deck. The elderley start into a slow chant , one man falls over , he is thrown out of the emergency exit window by the Leader .He falls at half speed onto a shrubbery. Hmmm , you think,  the gravity generator must be playing up today.

There are holiday makers everywhere but you know it's all an act. The townsfolk have begun a strange custum of dressing in baggy holiday clothes and wearing disguises. You recognise them immediatly as the people that work in the library and local butcher shops etc etc , but they always tell you they are from out of town

You end up in the forest , animals are humping but you never actually see them , you only hear the noises they make. Silly ,  animals dont really exist you think.  A shadow flashes past you. You remember an Australian friend telling you to watch out for drop bears in the forest. "Drop bears are only in Australia" you think and stride on confidently. Everything goes black, you wake up dazed and confused. Something just attacked you! When you regain consciousness , you see a policeman waiting neaby  . He tells you he caught the suspect in a cage and asks you to identify him. It was badger wearing a koala skin coat. You slowly whisper the name "Henry Miller " ,  nod at the officer and walk off. Your head is sore and you have contracted  Chlamydia. Typical, you mutter.

There is a man carrying a duck under his arm. It has a human face and quacks rudely at you. "I can help you " a voice says as you brush past . You spin around to find out more but the pair are run over by a white van.

The local plumbers are practising Interpretive dance in the park , you spy on them for a while. A rival gang of school teachers starts cat calling them and harassing them with yoga matts , in the ensuing bloody violence , you hear a mechanical shriek from afar. You have to leave now. The amber siren has gone off.

Finally you meet an actual holiday maker ! A man from New Zealand tell's you he is a vampire. He does a sexy dance but falls over . You go to help him up but his wrists are already limp, you check the pulse , there is none. You find a government stake in his back. You carry him to the local recycling center but they tell you that he is classified as "builders waste" and will have to charge you 15 euros . You urinate onto the floor in their staff toilets.

[lemmyexotic]

South England Gothic

You walk along the sun baked track and find a bench, you take a seat, the sun is out and an old gypsy woman is petting a cat.  She asks you if you would like to hold it but you refuse aggressively . You've learned not too pet strangers cats at mid day and life is much simpler now.

You both look out across the forest, there are ferns , bushes, pines and other green things. You love the forest , the forest loves you , the forest whispers " Come here my love" but you shriek and cover your eyes. You've learned not to fall for it's green lies.

There is a hillock , or a mound or some kind of earthy object in the distance, you struggle to describe it properley because you failed school geography but the gyspsy woman understands. "They say that an ancient King and Queen are buried there" the gypsy woman whispers. Your eyes fill with tears that roll off your cheek but the gyspsy woman intercepts them with her toungue before they hit the ground. "Quick for an old girl" you think. "Good talk " you tell her and keep walking.

The pony's are posing , it makes you sick , everyone wants photo's with them . You remember trying to take a selfie of you , your lover and a pony but 3 was a crowd and the lover was kicked into a tiny stream . You reached into the stream to help her out but it turned out to be a water pony wearing your lover's clothes, the memory haunts you still.  You never did find them again. You vomit slightly into your hand .  It smells like your lover. Another tear rolls down your face.

You walk into town. The pony's follow you , you swear at them in French and they leave.

The highstreet is full , the Greeks are selling Gyro's, you watch the grill but the spinning meat machine hypnotises you and you fall over a table.  You will never sit at a table again. A dog in a track suit rubs your leg, you look down. You lock eye's with the dog. The dog tell's you it's name is Dave and offers to clean your shoes. You look at your feet but you aren't wearing any shoes, why would Dave lie ? Is he one of THEM ? Have you been walking barefoot this whole time ? Someone is playing saxophone in the street, you walk towards them but they get smaller and smaller until it's just a pile of clothes  left on the pavement . You pick the clothes up and try them on. They're a good fit. That just saved you a trip to Marks and Spencers.