legendary444

[legendary444]

There is part of me that found her extremely endearing. There are parts to her I could’ve had comfortably for the rest of my life. I wanted them. But, we just couldn’t figure it out, I guess.

[legendary444]

*In reference to someone else’s more naive choices*

Naivety, or maybe I’m cursed

[legendary444]

I think I’m hurting a lot. It makes me really sad, all the time. I’m so sad all the time. I’ve noticed recently that I’m super explorative. Everything needs to be uncovered. Every rock, every crevice. I need to be exploring all the new things all the time. Constantly, every day. Every second of every minute needs to be new things, new information. I thought that’s who I was. My dad was very static, while I am very open. But I think I’m just like this because relaxing without addressing my pain is failure. It’s bad prioritization. I’m losing myself, my mind, I cannot focus with it. I think it’s there because a part of me, a part of myself that wants to be chilling and useful is locked away in a box, key thrown away somewhere vast and deep. I think I’m in a constant state of fear. And when I say constant I really mean, constant. I’m just always afraid. I wish I wasn’t afraid. I’m so scared of everything. I want someone to be there. I chase lustfully and stupidly after girls who won’t love me or care for me because I feel like I want someone who I can rely on, someone who I can embody and think about and not spasz out as every five fucking seconds because I don’t understand what I’m doing. I’m losing myself constantly and it’s extremely frustrating. I’m not myself all the time. I’m just afraid. And I want to not be afraid. But, I’m not sure how exactly. I am so scared. Everything is awful. Everything hurts me. I just want to drink a cup of coffee and jerk off and drown it all out, fantasizing about what could have been if my ex was like me, what could have been if that one girl found me attractive, how that when I was a lot younger I used to really miss and be so hopeful and loving in my life, how I used to always love my friends and be careful and studious and attentive and loving, oh so loving. I want to be loving. But, I want to be loved too. I want to be loved, so much. I want someone to fall into. I just want someone around me, in my life, who’s like me. Or maybe just someone here or there that I can rely on because I’m madly in love with the idea of not having to brave the god damn hellish darkness every single fucking day I’m awake all by myself with not a single ounce of anything worth saving. I’m just so alone. Why am I so alone? Why is everything so? I don’t want to be in hurt anymore. Please, I want someone I can rely on, someone I can love, please. Please. Please please. Nothing’s working anymore. The sugar stops working. The masturbation doesn’t do much anymore. I’m just walking around constantly on-edge. I’m so useless. I’m so worthless. Everything should kill me. I want to go into the world but I’m too scared. It’s too fucking hard. It’s pointless without anyone. And I’m so fucking sad about it. I need someone. I need anyone who matters. Please. Please. I’m so sad all the time, please. Please.

Torment is real.

[legendary444]

thinking about things is very tiring i wanted to write something on here but i got too tired so now i need a break and i’ll come back when i live

[legendary444]

[legendary444]

I think in the deepest sense, it’s like. I want someone to approve of my decisions in a sense, kinda. Like, I find this important. I find something important. I want someone to be like Wow, Legendary, that’s really cool of you, I’m glad you like that, and you believe in that as your axiom, I’m glad you’re coming to terms and being better than yourself and becoming the best person you become. You wanting this? That means something. And that something means you’re aligning yourself against the highest good you can possibly attain. And the fact you recognize that is awesome, I mean. I think it’s so awesome that you can think about that, Legendary. And you want that. I want you to want that, because I want the best in you to come out. I want the most for you. I want you to do your best.”

Fuck, man

[legendary444]

I think what makes me happy in life is doing something that would actually matter. Like, I don’t think spending money would put me at peace as like, an end goal. What I want is some ridiculously complex and difficult, nearly impossible goal, and to go achieve at that thing. Direct my entire life towards accomplishment of that thing. Something maddeningly difficult. I don’t think I could find grace in spending money or finding women or really just having things; it’s accomplishing at something abstract and entirely ridiculous that would give me hope and put me at ease. Understanding the world will not tell me exactly what I should be doing, as a sort of “moral optimum,” but it’ll tell me what is important and what I should do next. When I say that I think things could lead out to some direction, that’s because I find that everything sort of has a logical order of sorts than can be structured out in a raw way. And whatever makes sense and comes from that is what comes from it. Need to think through this thought more.

[legendary444]

Like, I never do anything that’s just me trying to enjoy myself. Never. I never ever let myself go into that state. Things are too terrible for me to do that sort of thing. But doing things physically feels soulless and empty. So I sit here. Here. Doing nothing. Thinking about my worth. It’s so tiring. I’m so sick of everything. I wish I could go home.

[legendary444]

Life is not good. It’s been eating itself alive when it lacks my attention. I want to be better. I want to be better. But I want to have a why before I do it. It’s hard. I can’t get myself to do work. Go outside. Do things. Take care of myself. Nothing but cope. But at the same time, I’m always trying to engage with myself mentally. Doing nothing makes me feel so, so terrible about things. I don’t ever rest in a serious way. It feels like I’m always on go mode, even if I’m not going anywhere. I’m just here. We ran out of money today. Ten days to go. Ten days to go… Shit is hard.

[legendary444]

I guess I don’t really deserve anything. I just, wanted it. I wanted to be respected and treated well. I wanted my experiences to be like I described. I wanted things to be better. I wanted things to be well. I guess I should have wanted it more, but I didn’t understand why anything I was doing was a good idea. I wish someone could explain that to me. I wish someone, anyone, anyone could explain that to me.

I loved getting special treatment as a child. It was so rare for me. I love it so much, even know, but I feel like it’s typically rooted in something like miscalculation and irrationality. I think that’s naive of me, kinda. But I also feel like nothing could compare to my mother’s love. She really wanted the best for me, irrationally. I was her child. I wanted her to love me. And she loved me with, a lot at times, and as much as she could at others. Too much sometimes. Maybe wrong or poorly or incorrectly. But love me she did. I got birthday cakes. Cupcakes. Love for myself. I remember she got my class cupcakes on my birthday. I got the biggest one, in a special box labeled just for me. I thought my teacher wouldn’t listen to me and forget about it and give it out to someone else. But it had my name on it. And it went to me. It felt like nobody wanted to care for me like that. As if that teacher was… hesitating to give me what I wanted. What I should have. What I could have had. Her intents were resentful. I could see it. But she couldn’t disrespect me for my birthday, because I was something she had to take care of. It was her job to. Not because I mattered. But because if she didn’t she would be looked down upon and scolded. Scolded so roughly. So she did it with some kick in her step. Punch in her moves. I wanted that cupcake from someone nicer. Someone more calm. Someone who didn’t give me a lot to think about. But, I got it from her. And I felt good. It was good to be loved by my mom.

[legendary444]

I could do so much better. I could do so much better. But why should I, though? Why does it matter?

[legendary444]

A continuation of my last post. I wish it wasn’t be. It shouldn’t have to be me. A young child with a lot of problems and a lot of pain. Needing to sacrifice my time for… no one. I guess someone. I hope this helps someone. I hope my conclusions reach a logic that people will understand. It just shouldn’t have to be me. It should have been someone else, who wanted this more than I did. To have rationale. To be break down all the variables. Now I am irrational. I am spiteful. Angry. I’ve been mistreated, it feels like. Like… the world couldn’t have given me anything better that I could’ve wanted to do, rather than this? And yet, I am sitting here, punished and poisoned by a tonic from a river that never stops flowing and always moves forward. The rocks sicken me. The flood poisons me. They hurt me and scratch me along this path. I am resentful. I don’t want to do this, for my own self-satisfaction. I matter to no one. But everyone matters to everyone else. But not me. I am just here. A child who is stuck in their past. A bad decision of hope with no calming waters. I am a lake. I am volatile. People won’t stop swimming inside me. Littering my vices with their negligence. Lack of awareness. I am water you do not drink. I am soaked in things you do not sip. The world sicken me.

[legendary444]

I think everyone wants to be like someone else when they’re younger. You know. Like, I wanted to be like my dad when I was younger. Or my mom. Or my teachers, or my friends. I wanted to listen and identify with them. But I always felt, that, I would be giving up certain things, in order to be like them. Like logic. Deep understanding. Or more thought. No one was like me. No one wanted to be like me. That made me very sad. It wasn’t nice. I would’ve liked it a lot if people liked or understood my ideas. If I wasn’t this scary enigma. If I could be like them, and they could be more like me, and we could both get along well together. I would’ve really, really liked that. I could’ve been so much better. I really liked being better. Growing into a better person. It feels so pivotal as a child. I wanted to be really intelligent. I wanted to be really expert in something, maybe multiple things. Really explore my surroundings. Come to new conclusions. I thought, life, there was a bottom to things. I wished that someone explored that. I thought it would only be logical that someone would have explored that already. I thought that’s how life would have worked. But no one did it. No one. And that really made me sad. I understood the scope of my issue. I was in a world of people below me, it felt like. People who were angry. Crazed. Irrational. A world of people who were going to be hurtful towards me for having my ideas. A crazed populous that does not take joy in disseminating ideas and breaking things down. It was simple. I was hard. Tough. Complex. No one would get to know me. No one would like me. And that was really, really hard for me to understand. And it’ll be even harder for me to let it go. I wished for anything but that to be true. But it was. And now I am hurting.

[legendary444]

Life is hard. Very hard. The sorrowfulness keeps me at bay. My idea is that, if I can come up with things that can help me discover what it is that I care about or what it is that I'm here for then I can describe what it is that I'm doing. Who it is that I am. But I think things are very hard for me, so it makes things quite hard to do. I wish I was better at doing things, but I can't really get myself to do stuff that I don't really see the point of. I think I need to loop things back like I said, but that's also hard. A lot of things haunt me. A lot of things still hurt me from my past that I've worked through. Like my mom. And my dad. I think, when you're very young, a lot of what you were thinking when you were small gets imprinted into how you grow up as a child. I think that's trauma to some degree too. A lot of what I went through as a kid I could genuinely see becoming extremely destructive to my cognitive development, like negligence or harmful activities from my father or mother. I could see why that things would scare me. Why it is that things would hurt me. My mother in particular scared me a lot. So did my father. I think, when I was really, really young, like 1-3 years old, I was tried to be kept in line with the same disastrous ways that they would have tried to keep me in line when I was older. They gave me too much attention. They tried too hard to keep me in line, not allow me to explore. They yelled at me a lot. A lot. Hit me and hurt me. Psychologically tormented me. I could see that a lot of the things that they did had no good reason for doing them. It turned me into a very submissive person. Not as in like, some gay sexy shit, just as in that I became a slave to their demands or their wants. And now I have a really hard time to stand up for myself. Or to not care about what other people think. At least, I mean, to be perfectly honest, I've gotten a lot better about that. I can laugh at stupid people and kind of put them to the side, kinda. Not with everyone. But with some. Which is a lot more than before, which was 0. But it feels like if I was to really give up and not care about anything, my place in the environment, and to become mentally an individual, that is, to become myself and not really listen to or deal with anyone else and just grow and think at my own pace with what i want to think about, life would get very boring very quickly. Because, deep down, I truly do not care about anything at all. Which makes things quite hard for me. I wish I cared about things more, I really do, but I don't, and I'm trying to figure out why that is and how exactly, if I could even do it, I could remedy that. Anyways, I hate that I just listen to people mindlessly at times. Or I can't say no. I have a hard time establishing myself, though. It requires a special level of independence. One that, I think, was taken away from me in the form of an established rule of iron through my parents from the ages 1 to 19. Things were quite hard for me, always. Always. I think when something like this is embedded into you so deeply it becomes a tough nut to crack. It is not simple. It is embedded into everything I do. and I do a lot of things. It is a tree with branches everywhere, roots firm in the dirt. I like dirt. But I do not like this tree. It scares me.

[legendary444]

Circles 2

Uh, anyways, circles. Circles. I need to be able to see something start to finish. I usually see something, like writing, or reading, or speaking, or whatever else, and I can tell you immediately that it seems like a good idea. Like learning how to code or program or exercise. All of those things seem like good ideas. I need the thought of why that's a good idea to come back onto the idea of exercise itself, and I should be able to trace the exercise back to why it's a good idea to begin with. It should all go back in a loop. I can go from the beginning to the end, and from the end to the beginning. I should be able to figure it out. But it's hard to get from here to there, and there to here. The more things I do it with, the easier it becomes. I kind of think of language like it's encoding onto my thoughts the ideas or ways that idea might be described. So language is sort of like the coding of my brain. Structures of blocks and subjects and literate concepts. But thinking in words is hard. Organizing my thoughts mentally, with words, is hard. I don't ever really write anything down. I have this one friend I talk about things with, named, well, let's call her Jupiter for now, that I discuss things with, usually over text, and get pretty descript with my thought and ideas about things. But I'm always growing. And trying to figure new things out. Find the circles of the world. But it's quite hard. I don't think everything is circles. I think some things are unknown. Like where we come from. I think things like that are quite hard. But I have no actual conceptualized framework about how that is or if that's true or how that's occurred or why that is true or exists. I have no real idea where certain things are in relationship to other things. Which makes things quite hard. It's hard because I need to think it all through. I need to go out into my brain and sort all of the things that need to be sorted together, sort of like decorating a room. Except I have to come up with all of the things that exist in the room or would make it better. The better the room, the better I am. But the why is also important to discuss. I dunno. A lot goes into a good room. The people. The place. The person. The things. The lighting. The mood. The time. The you. Yeah. I dunno, it's just, hard, man. And I feel so alone in this. No one ever really gets the things I describe without being really annoying or finding out other things about me other than Jupiter. I really like Jupiter. She can keep up with me. I know I'm not making that much sense but I hope some of what I'm talking about can be kept track of. I'm trying to write this for myself more. I think it'll come out all jumbled for a while but as I concentrate more on specific things all things will come together with time. Let's just hope things come together smoothly and without farce. And with an ice-cold cup of coffee on the side.

[legendary444]

Circles

I feel like my life needs to go in circles. That everything I do needs to loop back to some truth or idea that I believe in, that I can rationalize and believe to be true. I have not believed other people for most of my life. I have never believed most people when they told me things. I could never rest in someone else's intuition just to go, "yeah, that's right, I agree with that." I really need to think something through. It needs to be mine. I tend to forget things people tell me that I blindly believe like that. Which is one problem. I need to think about that one. The other problem is that I don't really ever see anyone think about things to the level or at the same degree of introspection that I do about things. Which makes things kind of hard, because it means I am jumping into different directions for long, hard strings of thought every 5 seconds if I'm trying to figure out stuff. And I can't just describe the whole string to someone else. And I can't just figure it out and remember it quite easily either. The English language makes this quite hard for me to do, I think. I think the main problem is that when something occurs I can jump into like 6 or 7 long, different strings of thought about a subject. Being able to even think about it rationally is one skill set. Being able to write it down is harder. Talking even harder, because I feel like talking is a genuine performative skill. It's an act. A difficult one, at that. I need to be at the tempo and pace and conversational context of the person that I'm speaking to, which can be hard. I really need to connect with the person. I need to pronounce my words correctly. I need to do things right. Which is all hard. I have never managed to come up with correct ideas on the first get-go either. I need to come up with them several times in a row. Several, several times. Not that the ideas are new, but I need to keep growing the thing that I've come up with over and over again. It's quite difficult for me to do that, but I've started doing it a lot recently and I'm becoming a lot more introspective. Life is getting a lot easier. I kind of think of it like an investment thing. I invest in this, figuring it out through all the hell now and I suffer less later. I hope this investment is work it. Also this hurts me a bunch to not understand. Like, seriously, a lot. It hurts me so much to not have an accurate understanding of what I'm going through. What I am. What any of anything that goes through my head is. And why. And I'm hoping I can figure that out, more and more, as I figure stuff out in my head and through this text writing thing. Let's hope this goes well.

[legendary444]

Who am I?

Yikes. God, yikes, I don't want to be honest. Ever. I hate the idea of being scrutinized for it. But whatever. You can call me legendary, I think. I'm a guy. I am really struggling with my life. I feel like nothing is worth it. Like life is hurting me meaninglessly. I feel like it hurts me all the time. I'm trying hard- really hard- to figure myself out. To figure out why I'm hurting so bad. To figure out all of this. My life has not been good to me. I have been hurt a lot. I have very few friends. None I really trust to respect me or to give me credit for my ideas. Not truly, deep down. I am resentful. I am trying to be a better person. I'm really smart. I really wish I wasn't smart, though. I have never met anybody smarter than me. Well, smarter may not be the word. Some people are a lot faster than me. But I've never been one to lack on ability to figure stuff out. I feel like I can figure everything out. Everything. Which makes all of the problems and difficulties of other people extremely irreconcilable for me. Everything is organized in my mind, or it can be, or it must be. But I do not know the center of all things. I feel like things need to go in 'circles' for me to really understand or believe anyone. I'm smarter than my parents. I'm smarter than all of my friends. I really hate it. I feel so alone. I feel like no one has taken a serious look at how existence is and that really frustrates me and scares me. My mom died when I was young. It hurt me a lot. My father is abusive and narcissistic. Neglectful. Ignorant. Hurtful. I do not like him at all. He keeps me under the foot of his heel through trauma. My trauma. Caused by him and others. I wish I could be embodied in an environment of people like me. Who were just able to figure stuff out and be rational as I can be. I feel like I'm so alone in this, which I already said, but this stuff really hurts me. I want to be alone but I can't because my house is too small. Things are difficult for me. Exhausting. I live in a motel. I've lived in here for a while. It's quite hard living here. My dad doesn't want to do anything about it, so I have to do it, but I am not really capable of doing anything. I'm really useless, despite my intelligence. I'm trying really hard to figure out what I think about the center of existence, kinda. Why I feel so hurt about so many things. Why I think life is the way that it is. How different things affect different people. What life is. Life is very difficult for me. On me. I feel like I'm alone. Things are hard. Things are very hard. I want to go home.