lefishe

[lefishe]

“I’m not weak. And I’m gonna show him.”

JINX in ARCANE: Act II (2021)

[lefishe]

The girl who doesn't know she's beautiful

There's this girl that I know that doesn't seem to understand that she's beautiful. I'm not sure if she reads this blog anymore, but if she is, uhhhhhhh, enjoy? She constantly talks about being annoyed by guys, often talking in a joking matter that they won't stop bothering her and that some just show up out of nowhere sometimes to make her acquaintance. The way she talks to me about these situations, I am not even sure if she knows what exactly is happening, and the fact that she gets flirted with basically on a daily basis. She says that this happens because she is too nice and that she allows people to think that she isn't annoyed. Although this is possibly part of the reason this happens, I can't agree with it fully because I consider myself to be an honestly nice person most of the time, yet, you don't see me with whatever type of attention this is. Idk if its a lack of personal confidence or self-awareness, but I think that she doesn't realize that she's beautiful.

Anyways, the other day, this girl asked me one of the most confusing questions I believe I've ever been asked: "Why aren't you dating anyone?". At the time, I really couldn't answer the question fully honestly so I told the half-truth, saying that I've just given up on that shit, which I think flew by her head anyways so, yeah, good job Sam. Look, if you're new here (if so, wtf are you doing, but also, welcome) I've been solidly single for the past 3 years, and as I've expressed in other posts before this one, it's driving me fucking insane at this point. I'm happy don't get me wrong, but I could be happier, and a little less lonely. Back to the point, there are many reasons why I couldn't tell this girl I wasn't dating anyone. First of all, which I hope is clear by now, I would like to date her. She knows I like her, but at this point, who fucking knows if she likes me, that's pretty much anyone's guess. The whole situation around this whole thing is complicated, and although I wish I could explain it, I think it would be better to keep to myself. Let's just say that it's weird to be asked why I'm not dating someone when that person knows I'm interested in them; capiche?

This could be the end of the post, but alas, I have more to say on this question. The truth is that I really don't see myself as dateable anymore. Don't get me wrong, I've had a few encounters over the years of people interested in me, but I've not felt "the butterflies" everyone talks about in a really long time, and that honestly scares me. I know I'm not asexual, I actually find some people attractive and I am actively in search of a relationship, so that route is out of the equation. This thought process is one that I have a lot, and although it has been influenced recently by this girl, it still haunts me that maybe I'm just doomed to fail when it comes to this shit. For the first time in 3 years, I kid you not, I am actually taken aback and fully infatuated with this girl, and not being able to do anything about it is toying with my mind. I'm currently stuck in a rut where the only place I can talk about this struggle is by writing it here, because I don't feel like I can go into detail on my thought processes about relationships with any of my friends, my family, or this girl obviously. Let me explain why this whole ordeal is hard.

As I mentioned, I don't think I'm very dateable. The first side to this is online dating, which I've had little to no success in. Why? Well for the very simple fact that first impressions are more important than ever in online communication, and when you look like I do, uhhhhh, you don't get to speak your mind as often as fucking alpha bro jacked dude don't you. Look, I don't think I am such a horrible looking dude, but I'm the nearest anyone will ever get to average. You might say, well Sam, you're 6ft girls love tall guys! I would thus retort, how many girls in the bios write, looking for a tall guy, but also make sure he's lanky as fuck and drifts in the wind. I workout (a lot now) but none of it is to make me look fucking jacked, because even if I was bigger or whatever, that wouldn't really change the fact that I'm definitely not instantly "likable". I've thus had to confine myself to apps like Hinge which seem to host people who are less likely to want night one bone zones, but that in consequence are not very populated. What's worse, I fucking suck at texting and cannot at all translate who I am or the personality that I can exude in person by messaging. I sound so fucking boring, like a retired interviewer, and basically, I just don't have it at all when it comes to communicating to new people who I am or allowing myself to open up quickly. Online dating has been really shitty for me, and thus it's one of the reasons I haven't been dateable.

In general, I'd say I'm more self-confident than ever, doing well in school and actually being fit for the first time in a while. But when it comes to translating that into confidence that can be shown to others, I really don't think I have what it takes. I mean even for people I would want to be friends with or such, I cannot approach strangers at all because I end up completely messing up the sentence I had prepared in advance, cracking my voice every 3 and a half seconds. So, we're doing super hot here, online and in real life, I'm a complete fuck up. This ties well to the notion that I believe I had written about before in that I don't really make new friends because I feel like being my genuine self took already so long to expose with those that I know now that I'm not even sure how to repeat it. I think often, I come off as an asshole to people with my over-confident sarcastic humor and my want to seem like I know what I'm talking about all the time. I also believe that I'm not a very approachable person since I don't generally smile for no reason and tend to always have a serious expression, probably explaining why every row I sit in class is empty. I think people are put off by my want to be a leader and to excel in everything I do, when for others, they would rather interact with those that don't put themselves through anxiety to perform to a level that they know is unrealistic. I believe I am undatable because I am essentially unreachable, or that I have negative behavior that contributes to me not being approached.

Look I'm not sure where I am going with this but yeah, I am quite confused. I don't know what to do about this girl, to allow myself to be friend-zoned for the 100th time in my life, or to give up entirely and try to get my mind off it. That second option is the one I've heard the most from my friends and sometimes my family, and yet, for all the bad, every time I see this girl, I forget all about it. I forget about the times I've been stood up and the countless hints, advice and tips I've given for who knows what in return. I don't know what to do, and you know the irony of it all; I finished writing this whole text right next to her.

*Quick update* Got friend-zoned literally by the end of the day. I guess it's settled.

*Update #2* She says she had feelings for me, yet is deciding that she doesn’t want a relationship with me. Good guys don’t win and you can quote me on that :). 

[lefishe]

Who even is going to read this

So, my crush knows I like her. You can only imagine that yes indeed, this scares the fuck out of me. When I like someone, I think I make it pretty obvious. I tend to do a lot for anyone who asks, but I go out of my way for those I like, just so that they see that they are worth more of my time than anything else I may have been planning on doing. I tend to also act strangely when I'm asked about my love life at the moment, because obviously, I like the person I am being questioned by, and try to say things about what I like is fucking hard without mentioning the very qualities of that person. I want to write to the person constantly, and I have to restrain myself because I know that seeming and being too needy can be detrimental as some are attracted by a certain distance and challenge, while others just don't like to be bothered that much I guess.

I lack closeness a lot. When I try to think about where I am at in my life at this very moment, I think that I'm in a better place than I've truly ever been. And although I've tweeted and written about this before, there has always seemed to be a void left to fill. What I've come to realize is that this void is most apparent when I am alone, because, in those situations, I really am consumed by a lack of anything to do that can please me. I don't really have that many hobbies other than reading, playing piano, and gaming, gaming of which is my favorite, but that I truly only do anymore when I can play with friends. So what I am left with is time by myself to which I have a lot of, and that I never know what to do with. Most of that time gets wasted procrastinating and being lazy in turn, which leads to the rest of what I've built to be a good living, to feel mediocre.

It's said that one must be happy with oneself before they can make someone else happy and that relationships shouldn't be pursued if you are not happy with yourself first. I think at this point, I am happy with myself. Although I'm not perfect and I am pushing myself, for example, to pick up my books more often and go for a jog, I'd say that I am relatively happy in the grand scheme of things. What is apparent though in my life is that throughout this excess of time that I have and a lack of general closeness, I have developed a longing for being happy with someone else. Although I have a few friends that I talk to semi-regularly and now have a few that I can actually see more than once a year, the most important friends in my life are now fading faster and faster away as they are enveloped by closeness near them. I'm lucky that I have the friends that I have now, I am always appreciative of at least having a few that still give a shit about me. But I don't share any of my feelings with any of them anymore, and I don't really share what's honestly going on with me on a present basis. I don't think I have anyone left that I can talk to about everything, and that scares me a bit.

Since I can't talk to anyone about the things that I want to, here are some of the things I like, that no one gives a shit about. One of the things that most people don't know about me is that I watch a lot of YouTube videos on a variety of different topics, not because I can't watch a TV show instead, but because I love jumping from 10 minute video to the next about the next wild topic I want to learn about. Right now for example, I have been binging tons of videos on music production and music creation as its something that has always fascinated me. I listen to 30 000 minutes of music every year, not including all the podcasts I listen to as well, that I also never share. I listen to podcasts that mainly are conversation-based between my favorite comedians and some that dive deep into life toughest questions, and yet I never share these because I know no one else would get them and appreciate them like I do. My love for the content that I enjoy every day goes beyond just being on my phone as although it's not very noticeable, almost every article of clothing that I wear on a daily basis is merchandise from my favorite creators. Most people find merch weird I think, yet I wear it and buy it not only to support the creators that I care for so much directly through purchase, but also to wear it as a token of appreciation for what they bring to my life.

Most people don't know that I have a twitter account. I've kept that under wraps for a long time, and it has been my outlet to self-expression and venting for as long as I've had my account. Recently I deleted my main twitter account because there were a few people on there that followed me that I would have rathered if not, and without blocking them directly, I instead just created another account, where no one follows me. All the daily thoughts and ramblings that I have go on twitter, and as I see it, if I have no one that I can tell those things, well they do no harm being posted in my void of a timeline. I like relaxing to asmr, and even if it's considered by most to be really weird, I appreciate asmr and some of the creators I follow for allowing me some peace of mind when I listen to their videos. It's my style of meditation I guess, and it helps me relax when I need it most. I could go on and on about the things that I like and that I don't talk about more, but I think you get the picture. There's a lot more to me that I don't give away, because I feel like no one wants to listen. If that's because I always have made myself the listener and never have allowed myself to actually be listened to for once, well I guess actually, that might just be it.

So what's the point I'm making. Well, as always, there really isn't one. I guess the main thing is that I'm scared that someone knows I like them, and that I think about them a lot, even if they don't know. I'm scared also that I'm not liked; just in general. I've been friend-zoned more times than I can count, and at this point, I just have to have an honest discussion with myself about whether it's worth worrying about, or if I should just give up hope. As I will always say, the worst thing to do to me is to raise my expectations, and then break them, whether that's through myself breaking my own expectations set for myself, or through others where I have no control over the expectations that others set in my mind about them. What worries me is that I am at a point where I cannot expect anything from anyone. My dad I think exemplifies this the most with the phrase he told me: "expect the worst from people, and you will never be surprised"... or something of that sort. The point I'm making is that I have turned to a point where I expect the worst from everyone. That lack of faith has made me wary of all the people that I have in my life, because I can never rely on anyone to ever return a favor, or fucking care for my existence. I'm forced to assume that I am to face the world alone, and that's, well that's terrifying. I'm sorry if this got dark, as I said, I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this, so thanks for reading whoever you are. The point of this message is that there's a girl that I like, and that's made me think a lot about everything because I haven't liked someone like that in a long time.

[lefishe]

Wait, I'm complicated aren't I?

Hey there. Let's forget about the fact that I haven't posted since last January shall we? I don't know why I'm coming to write to be honest, but I was told by a special someone that I should. So here we are. A curious creeping reader, and a writer that doesn't quite understand why he's writing again. But to be honest, I've got something to talk about, soooooo, let's get into it!

Recently, I met a new person. A new friend, a new individual that I actually have an interest in getting to know and caring about. Refreshing is what I would call it. See in university so far, I've met lots of surface-level people, persons that I enjoy being around and that are genuinely fun to talk to, but that I've only ever interacted with in class, or around campus. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to know these individuals because they make attending class quite enjoyable and worth it for the social interaction. But, there is something special about meeting someone, and then hanging out outside of school. I know what you're thinking: "Sam, aren't you just describing the process of making friends?". Yes unknown reader, yes I am. I want to make sure it's understood why this is special to me.

I don't make friends. I just don't very often, I don't look for friends, I don't expect friends, and I certainly haven't made a new friend in, uh, a while. The reason why that's so important to me is that I've forgotten what it means to make a new friend. I don't think I've gone through that in a while and it shows. I live surrounded by people who know my story, who know the tendencies I have, and the way I think about whatever is part of my life. If I go home, and I explain what happened during my day, I'm not questioned on the decisions I made because it is recognized that those that I took were based on my character. I don't tend to go back on my past in my everyday life because those who are already around me went through that "past" at the same time as I did, and thus were observers to it in real-time. It also works in the same way in the opposite order, where for the friends that I've had for a big part of my life, I don't tend to question the way that they think about the world because I've learned that in getting to know them a while ago. All of this is to say that I live in the comfort of not having to confront my past, or explain things that I don't tend to think of on the regular because those that I already interact with are already accustomed to that information.

This is why meeting someone new that actually cares about what I have to say is interesting (and vice versa). This person wants to know about me, and I have to get them up to speed on what makes me! Trying to find out what makes "me" though, as I try to explain it to someone new, is quite challenging. I'm forced in this situation to confront my past, whether good or bad, once more, and try to explain how my experiences have led me to become the person they have just met. As I said, I have not done this in a while I believe, and thus it's been difficult for me to try to explain situations to someone who did not live it through with me. For certain things, it's been quite fun to dig through my memories and share what made life so great at certain times, but also life tough in others. For other memories, it's been difficult to return and to try to remember things that I have tended to try to forget, or that I merely don't associate myself with anymore. Having these old memories flow through me has made me quite moody because I feel the emotions that I felt in that moment from the past as I try to remember and explain them. Regardless, it's been a refreshing experience to try to explain to someone new, who is willing to listen, what makes me "me", and what makes me so complicated, just as everyone is.

As I said, I have given up the expectation of meeting new people. I just don't have that power within me, and although it often brings me unbearable loneliness, I have not been able to push myself into introducing myself to more people. I am eternally grateful that this new someone introduced themselves to me first, removing the anxiety and block that I face in meeting new faces. What this whole new interaction has made me understand also is that I don't necessarily need to meet tons of new people; I just have to wait for the right ones to show up, those that I feel validated in sharing who I am. I can't stress how much this has enlightened my life this year, and I can only dream for the future.

[lefishe]

I'm not sure anymore

Hey,

If you're reading this without telling you about it, first off, weird. But second, thanks. This is my new site by the way, like it? It's free wooow! I haven't written anything really for the past 2 months. I'm not sure why, just really haven't been inspired. I guess that goes with the kind of mellow living I'm riding through right now. I honestly have nothing to report about, I just kind of wanted to alleviate my sadness tonight. And again, I don't even know why I'm sad, I guess it just be like that sometimes.

I wasn't really planning on making new years resolutions this year. I normally set goals for myself throughout the year and end up forgetting them anyways. And yet, I think I may have found myself a good new objective. I started downloading recently apps for relaxation and stuff. After trying a few, I subscribed myself to "Headspace", a meditation app that knocks me the fuck out before I go to bed. I'm hoping that its different styles of meditation can help me fight back my anxiety and stress, and maybe even help me focus myself, because I really need help with that.

I see all these people at school. We're in a course, and while they take notes, they are also writing a paper or an assignment for a different course. And I'm just there realizing that these are the people I really am not right now. When I'm in school, I'm thinking of being out of school. I know though that this is completely the wrong mentality, and I'm not sure how some people have grasped being able to focus on school so much. I have realized that the true difficulty for me of university is the self-drive, the motivation to succeed by one's self. I don't know if it's because I haven't found what I like, or if it's something else, I just am clueless. I like my courses this semester. Apart from one review class, the rest a pretty fresh and with good teachers. And yet, I still crave my time at work, my time at home, any other time. I'm lost, aren't I?

I know this post was way shorter than what I may have written before, but I just wanted to push myself to maybe write more often, and just put my thoughts on paper (or screen). I'll keep posting here about how the meditation is going too, because I really think that will help me a bit. I've already been used to taking some time to think with ASMR and sound bites of the sort made to make you relax, but I'm hoping that guided programs might push me in a better direction. We'll see, won't we? I'll be posting a throwback writing of mine after this one, to make sure that my few readers have some good material to keep them busy.

What the hell am I doing, and what the heck are you doing reading this? Yeah that's what I thought. Who knows.

[lefishe]

"Re-Post": "A burning branch into a bucket of kerosene"

If you read the post I made 10 minutes before this one, well goddamn it means you are reading this new post, and have just realized that I finally posted more than once every millennia. Jokes aside, here's a piece I wrote for my grade 12 AP comparative politics class on the Iranian Hostage Crisis of 1979. I think Iran is possibly my favourite country to study in political science because of it's uncommon government and theocracy, and because of its conflicts with the United States, the hostage crisis being one of them. I do lot's of introduction in this piece so hopefully, you get a good perspective of the crisis even if you know nothing about Iran. The end of the piece also makes reference to the movie Argo, which is about this crisis, and is a movie you should totally watch. The piece isn't perfect, and has lots of grammar mistakes and yet, I won't change any of them. Ok thanks, God bless, and thanks for reading this.

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Approximately 36 years ago, the beginning of a new era of complications in Iranian and American relations was set aflame. In a continuation of the United States self-purpose of world influence in its own protective interests, for once, its touch went too far. In the beginning of an Iranian revolution, the introduction of the British and American hand meddling with an outside country only caused what is now know as a 444-day mistake. In short, this analysis piece is meant to place perspective and shed light upon this tragically historical event.

To truly get perspective upon the crisis at hand, a backtrack of almost 30 years prior to the event must be entailed. Within the context of the cold war, the United States lived under a time period of the need for the extermination of communism. Under the same values, the Shah of Iran formed a bond with the United States in their common interest of the “extermination” of communism. In the early 1950’s, under the new election of Mohamed Mossadegh as prime minister, the Shah fled the country. Through his new acquirement of power, the resentful prime minister nationalized the oil industry in a fight against the controlling hand of Britain and the United States in their oil industry. In an effort to drive the new prime minister out, the Shah with the help of the United States and the CIA initiated operation AJAX in a common effort to reinstate the Shah in power and to re-establish US and Iranian relations. This constant struggle to reinstate the Shah as a leader of Iran in constant close quarters to the United States is where the resentment for the Shah and the all mighty power began.

Up until the 1970’s, with the reinstatement of the Shah into power, the country began to melt its hope for better times. Under constant resentment from the population, the Shah continued to match the democratized and economically liberal society of the United States through modernization of his own broken country. Dubbed the “White Revolution” his plan of action involved initiatives in the military and the economy. Although some of these plans like the right to vote for women were good, he was sapping the resources of an already damaged country, turning his own people against his actions. In the worst possible attempt to replicate the institutions of the United States, the Shah created the SAVAK, in inspiration of the CIA, which was a covert police force meant to torture and control any resentment and opposition to the actions of the higher power.  This was the final straw for the Shah as starting in 1978, opposition to his dictator-like actions began to devolve into demonstrations from the people. In this new time period, the context of the Iranian revolution is obtained.

In this new era of revolution, the people of Iran, led by Ayatollah Khomeini in exile from the country, fueled an overthrow of the Shah. Through continuous demonstrations, the people rallied in all major cities in the effort to revolutionize their own country. The first step in achieving a “better” Iran started when a group of soldiers managed to get past all security around the Shah on December 10th 1978. In a time of a collapsing regime, the Shah finally fled Iran on January 14 1979 where after some time of travelling, was invited to receive cancer treatment in the United States. From their perspective, the United States invited the Shah as a manner of humanity and alliance, but in reality, it turned out to be the tossing of “A burning branch into a bucket of kerosene.”

With an understanding of the tensions in Iran in this time frame, it is now clearer to see how an event like the Iranian Hostage Crisis did occur. In a brief understanding of the events of occurred, on November 4th 1979, a group of militant student demonstrators rallied outside the US embassy in the name of the Ayatollah, who supported the intolerability of US interference in Iran. Their demonstrations took a very rapid shift upon the entering of students into the embassy, where the people inside frantically tried to burn any sort of highly confidential files. Upon entering the embassy, the students captured almost all Americans inside, leaving them now hostages to these militants. In total, 66 hostages were kept inside the embassy, while 6 Americans managed to escape to reside in the Canadian embassy, this story being the main focus of the movie Argo. The demands of the Iranian people were quite simple in this event, and that was to return the Shah to Iran to make him face trials for what his people had suffered under his leadership.

From a future outside perspective, it is now clear to tell how this event did occur. In modern times, with perspectives from hostages and militants, it is clear that this entire 444-day event was in sorts a misunderstanding. As one militant student mentioned in an interview “We believed the United States was against the revolution and that it was preparing another coup.” In short, under the influence of the Ayatollah, the people were actually being “brainwashed” into believing that the US was planning retaliation. Very simply, the Ayatollah’s main goal in the revolution was to fire up his people. In an attempt to grow this fire, he intently portrayed the United States as an enemy for holding back the Shah. In reality, the Ayatollah wanted the Shah back into the country not for the trial he would endure, but rather to fuel his population with energy once more. Overall, the introduction of the Ayatollah and his views into the country of Iran forced the people to despise the United States. From both sides, the Iranians feared the fundamentalism and imperialism placed by America for they seemed to place their hand in every global conflict. The Iranian hostage crisis was an answer to this fear and it resulted in a much fought out diplomatic war.

Overall, the 444 days in which Americans were held hostage were a torturing period of time for the entire western world. In attempts at humiliation, the militant students used the hostages as puppets, showing their perspectives on the hellish nature of the United States. Throughout this massive time period, the media in the United States focused on the number of days ever single night on the news, fueling the counter hatred felt by Americans at home. One of the most influential leaders in this entire diplomatic war was the United States President Carter. As tensions grew at home, tensions felt by the American people revolved around the involvement of the President in this event. As the United States has always believed in, their goal is never to negotiate with terrorists. In an event like the hostage crisis, this value could not have been held any tighter. In failing attempts at diplomatic solution making, Carter was losing popularity very quickly.

On April 25th 1980 a Delta Force sent by the United States was engaged in hope of freeing the hostages with force. Upon the entering of Iran, the team dissolved as the mission was aborted. On the way back, men were killed when two of the helicopters crashed, worsening the grip of tension in the United States population. The bodies of the men in this mission were upheld in demonstrations, showing the true conflict at hand. Upon this failure, a period of wait was to be engaged in the hope of releasing the hostages. In a portrayal of Carter’s failures, the media continued to highlight his “incompetence” in dealing with such important matters. In a long period of wait and failed diplomacy, resolutions to the hostage crisis were set forth upon the day of President Reagan's inauguration.

The end of the hostage crisis arrived for a multitude of reasons. In such a weak state, Iran had held the hostages long enough and suffered enough trade bans to a point in which their own country was in need of resources. As Iranian assets were frozen by the United States, the end of the crisis was to be negotiated with the major power in order to resolve their weakening country. Also, with the death of the Shah in July 1980 in Egypt, and the spark of a new conflict between Iran and Iraq, Iran was left to let go of their 444-day problem for the rise of new ones. Through Algerian intermediaries, the United States promised to release 8 billion dollars worth of frozen Iranian assets in order for the hostages to be released. As this brought an end to the Iranian Hostage Crisis, the event also brought the end to the Carter era. As his efforts during the crisis were deemed incompetent and weak by the American people, a loss of trust in him was entailed, leading to a path with the new President Reagan, who promised to take firm action in the reoccurrence of such events. As for the 6 escaped men and women from the embassy, their “Canadian Caper” mission led them to safety on January 27th 1980 where as portrayed in the movie Argo, boarded a flight in the fleeing of Iran. This small group of people rescued from the crisis gave hope to the rest of the world, as all hoped to help the rest of the hostages. Although these 444 days were gruelling, they will never be forgotten as they have taught valuable lessons about the world we live in.

In lessons to be learned from the crisis, one of the most personal observed ones comes from depictions in the movie Argo. As seen in the movie, on the morning of the invasion into the embassy, with incredible riots and chaos outside the doors, no one seemed to worry about intrusion. It was very peculiar to see that with such imminent danger outside a US diplomatic building, there seemed to be any lack of concern. Upon further research, it seemed as if the hostage crisis could have been averted through more preparation. For example, in the transfer of the Shah to the care of the United States, it was recorded that the embassy did release concern about repercussions upon their institutions. Through these warnings, it would have seemed logical for the US government to be more concerned about its own hold inside the country of Iran. Although preparation may not have been enough to resist the beginning of the hostage crisis, a lack of communication and planning was evident upon the United States first negotiations and conflicts with radical militants in Iran.

Another lesson to be learned from this crisis is the ideas of misinterpretation and assumption and how they lead to conflict. As mentioned before, from the perspective of the militants, they were convinced “that if we didn't attack the embassy, they could attack us. We thought we needed two or three days to see all the documents. If there was a plan [for a coup], we would find something” as a militant student said. On the other hand, as a hostage mentioned, “They thought we were all James Bond” assuming that an embassy was to be filled with CIA and “a nest of spies.” From an outside perspective, it is clear to see that a major lesson to be learned from this event derives from the ideas of misinterpretations and how far these can lead an ignorant people. Under the leading of the Ayatollah, the militants were now soldiers of his will, instating any requirement. In a time of hatred for Americans, the ignorant militants decided to attack an embassy full of innocent people not for a purpose but rather by misinterpretation. Under a complete lack of diplomacy discussions and preparations, this event spiralled out of control more than it should have, for mere assumptions and the brainwashing of a fired up, militant people.

In conclusion, although the Iranian Hostage Crisis was a long undesirable entrance into the new era of Iranian and US relations, its importance will reign true forever. In new times of militant conflict after the fact, the hostage crisis will go down as the defining moment of the start of conflict with terrorism. Although misinterpretation and lack of preparations led to this disastrous event, a root of ignorance still lies in the feet of the Iranian people. In light of their celebrations of the return of the Ayatollah, the majority of the fired up people forgot that in such a dysfunctional state, a leader with great power can radically change a country. No matter the honesty of the person, power changes someone, as it always has in Iran. Its not because you buy a new banana to replace the old one, that this banana wont also take in the oxygen of power to itself become corrupted. Power changes leaders, and leaders influence countries infinitely.

[lefishe]

Different types of sound

Hey there. Currently stuck in my exam period. Was expecting to take a bit of time off tonight and maybe to talk to someone, but there isn't anyone for me to talk to. So instead, let me tell you about how I fill the void of empty sounds in our everyday world. I tend to be very socially anxious and awkward, and so making new friends is really hard for me to do. Here's how I fill that void.

I tend to drive around 700 km, getting to and from school every week, and I also spend around 15 hours a week at work. During all of those hours, I'm listening to something. When I start the car, you'll never see me leaving without having put something on. Seriously, sometimes I think I've gone mad because I never have a moment of real silence. Sometimes it feels like I need constant entertainment, because I have no other sources of "fun" for myself? I'm not quite sure.

Anyways, I've been thinking, through listening to everything I do, about what different modes of sound mean to me. Usually, I listen to either music or podcasts, and over quite some time, I've realized that each one has their way of making me feel. This summer, I started a job that required me to be outside all day, driving my little lawn mowing tractor and wiping those little-stranded outliers of grass. Day two, I realized that, "well fuck, there's no way I'm doing this all day listening to those motors" (not actually what I thought, close enough though). I instantly reminded myself of the weird world of podcasts, which are basically just snippets of radio shows that are made for everyone's different interests, or can just be the equivalent of YouTube, but without the video. I had tried podcasts during my first year working at my parking booth, but obviously realized after one summer that I could just watch movies or tv series if I were to be sitting in one place all day. I'm rambling, but regardless, I downloaded myself an app for podcasts, went through discovery and tried to find some that I had listened to before, some that were recommended through some YouTube videos and more. Needless to say, I was HOOKED.

Throughout the summer, I listened to over 300 hours of podcasts. That's 12 and half days. Let's just say, there wasn't a damn second I wasn't listening to podcasts, and damn, they made my work days awesome. Since my job basically did itself, I was essentially being paid to learn about amazing things through these earbuds in my ear. During the summer, I really didn't think about podcasts as I think of them now. When I couldn't find a good show that I had downloaded, I played some music to change it up and it always seemed fresh. During my school year though, I've noticed that I feel a bit differently about podcasts.

What I've realized is that podcasts often fill a void in my life. Weather it's me not having that many people to talk to, because I really am so scared of talking to people, or weather it's me being anxious about school or the "grown up" things I have to do, podcasts have become a true escape for me. I've realized that podcasts have become an escape because when I listen to them, I don't have to think for myself. All I have to do is listen to whoever is talking on their microphone, and I don't have to think about anything in my life. I don't have to realize what I'm doing, and in many ways, I can focus directly on the topic of the podcast. I can feel like I'm part of their discussion, I often even talk to myself about my own opinion about the topic that I'm listening to. Essentially, I lose myself in the podcasts that I listen to, and they really replaced all the needs that I can't figure out how to fill in my life. Podcasts are amazing for me because they fill my depressive moments, and my anxious mind with interesting ideas about the world that I'm not managing to find my place in. In many ways, many of the podcasts I listen to give me hope. "If these people can talk about what they love every day for a living, well damn, I probably can do that too".

I've found that I have a hard time listening to music these days. The difference between podcasts and music is that music allows me to listen, but to still think for myself. When I feel like shit, I don't want to be able to think. I want to be involved in interesting topics, be made to laugh, to be comforted out of the mindset I'm in. Music for me these days is a background, and compared to podcasts, it cannot fill my mind. This juxtaposition often makes me really worried. I find myself thinking about how much distraction I need to fill the voids in my life, and how much these voids must be deep in consequence.

I'm not quite sure where I wanted this entry to go. I just wanted to write a bit about podcasts, because they've really become a big passion and interest in my life. Regardless of their amazing features though, I kind of wanted to write down my worries with how much I am invested in them. It really does feel like I'm missing a lot, and I really don't know where to start. I also wrote this in a bit more loose style, so let me know if it turned out alright. Just wanted to ramble a bit. Below, I'll write down my favorite podcasts, and a little description. Honestly, check these out. I have 412 hours of listening, so damn, I must like them quite a bit, and I think you'd like them too. Thanks again.

My most listened to podcasts:

-Couples Therapy: With Candice and Casey Neistat, who is an influential vlogger on YouTube, they describe and go through periodically their struggles and victories in marriage. Sometimes serious, often quite funny, but regardless different!

-The Daily: I stopped listening to this, but I did during the summer. Its the New York Times daily news podcast for the United States. Very good reporting, interesting investigative stories, and Mike Barbaro. Also, lot's of Trump.

-Death in Ice Valley: By the BBC World Service and NRK, this podcast is a 10 part series on the investigation of the Isdall woman, an unidentified woman found in Norway in the 70's. The very best atmospheric audio I've heard in a podcast, and a very intriguing story. Does not give all the answers, but describes the story of this mystery extremely well.

-Unravel: With two different series, both in a similar style to Death in Ice Valley, Barrenjoey Road and Blood on the Tracks, both investigate the death of young individuals that have families that never understood their questionable death and disappearance Well narrated, and a good binge listen.

-The H3 Podcast: I love H3H3 so I obviously love their podcast. A more casual and comedic podcast, often they discuss cultural news from the week, and have interesting, guests from the internet and YouTube. A romp, a laugh, and many goofs.

-Casefile: Probably one of, if not my favorite, Casefile is a true crime podcast done right, probably the best around. Spookily narrated, expertly written, over 100 cases all have interesting stories, and horrifying cases of people dying. I know it's weird to be intrigued by death, but even if you aren't, this podcast will make you want to find out how each gruesome case plays out. It also has many 3 part series on cases like the Jonestown mass suicide, to the Yorkshire Ripper, The toy box, to the Silk road. Fuck, honestly what are you doing not listening to this.

-Wolverine, The long night: A different, story-based podcast, Wolverine is about what you'd think it's about, but really not. Honestly, I'm not sure how to describe this, but as a 10 part series, no reason to miss this. It's a great story, and somehow all written and told through audio. Impressive.

-The Joe Rogan Experience: One that I listen to sparingly, these are interviews with comedian and WWE announcer Joe Rogan that are with interesting figures that don't think too highly of themselves, and go on this podcast to talk 3 hours straight about literally anything. Some of my favorite episodes are with Dan Bilzerian, Tom Segura, and Bert Kreisher, and always give good laughs. Just strap in because these come out often, and are always long.

-The Basement Yard: From one of the funniest YouTubers out there, Joe Santagato talks with his equally hilarious friends every week on Monday about the most random shit imaginable. Often with his coworker Danny, they talk about sex, to fighting over which candies are the best, and sometimes, it's dangerous to drive while listening to this. The funniest podcast ever, and always puts a damn smile on my face. Can't ask for more.

[lefishe]

Trump is a genius

A genius??? What in gods name did you just say?

Ok hold on. First, uhh, hello again! Sorry I've been gone, been writing, but not on here. So I'd thought I'd pass by and show you what I've been up to! Here is an essay I wrote for my American Politics class which I think gives a very good overview of how Donald Trump beat Hillary Clinton in the 2016 presidential election. I hope you enjoy, and I've left all my sources at the end in case you need some more light reading. Enjoy these 4000 words, free of charge.

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The United States today finds itself in a position that it has never been in before. A country-wide sentiment of animosity, divide, and ultimately hate is one that is highlighted and propagated by the media worldwide. Although it may seem blown out of proportion in the eyes of foreigners, the division that is present in the socio-political world of the United States is one that goes far beyond the presidency that has taken the office by storm. Understanding the climate that the United States finds itself in today is a topic that one could analyze for an eternity but in the present time, it would be more effective to explain how we have gotten the presidency that we face today. Explaining how Donald J. Trump beat Hillary Clinton in the 2016 presidential race is a challenge that goes far beyond placing the result on good timing, the fragility of the party system, or the “culture of America”. To truly comprehend how Trump managed to sweep the election, a systematic, 3 pronged analysis can be conjured: how Trump managed to rise initially and in the Republican party, how he managed to defeat his Democratic counter Clinton, and how his personal character and philosophies took over America.

Born into a family of father Fred Trump, a real estate monster of New York, and starting off his path own path into the real estate world with an infamous loan of “1 million dollars” from his very father, Trump built his family name and Trump Organization into one plastered on hotels and towers, fueling his celebrity rise (BBC, 2017). From owning America’s favorite beauty pageants, creating his own shows, and writing books, Trump’s enterprises and hands in all markets of America brought him a net worth of over 3.5 billion, according to Forbes. As for how Trump got into politics, well his interests were rooted for a longer time than may be initially apparent. His first recorded interests started in 1987-1988, where his struggles with debt in his gambling enterprise branches put him off, until running as a Reform Party candidate in 2000, receiving 15000 votes in California’s Primary (CNN, 2018). His true involvement in politics did not flourish though until 2011-2012, where early primary polls saw Trump as the most popular candidate for the Republican Party, but regardless, in the end, he decided to give his endorsement to Mitt Romney. Throughout this election campaign, he also appeared as the new leader of the birther movement, a strong attack against President Obama and the country’s questioning of his actual birthplace (CNN, 2018). This, in addition to the taking over of the US Congress by the far-right Tea Party Movement, all culminated into the first clues of Trump’s path towards his political campaign of 2016. Making outrageous public claims on television, or otherwise, Trump began his populist movement then, and no one was realizing it. These steps all led to Trump first announcing his run for the US Presidency of 2016, where he first took over the Republican party.

On June 16th 2015, Trump officially announced his run for the presidency at his very own Trump Tower. His first speech, a foreshadowing to what was to come from his campaign, included his first talks of reforming the economy for the workers of America, the “made and bought in America” slogan, and his first mentions of a rigid immigration policy, going just as far as labelling Mexican immigrants as "They're bringing drugs, they're bringing crime, they're rapists, and some, I assume, are good people" (CNN, 2018). Trump set the tone early that he was not going to be like any old republican, or conservative nominee seen before, and his message sent waves across the US media, and through the existing base of the Republican Party. Running against a total of 17 candidates in the Republican Party primary nomination, including Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, and John Kasich as his biggest opponents, Trump went from the least favorable candidate, to gaining serious grounds over a 10 month period, winning first New Hampshire with 35% of the vote, followed by Pennsylvania and Delaware (Sarlin, 2016). During his rise to grander influence in the Republican Party, the “stop trump” movement was launched by a multitude of Republicans within the party at all levels, including his fellow opposition in the race to the primaries Jeb Bush, Kasich, and multiple other candidates, all portraying a deep divide in the party against Trump, many going as far as leaving completely.

The problem with the “stop trump” movement was that it was doomed to fail. Without a strong candidate in the primary ballot polls supporting it, most that endorsed the movement like Marco Rubio, were forced to resign without having a meaningful end to Trump’s dominance (Cassidy, 2016). In reality, Trump’s only real opposition was in the form of Senator Ted Cruz, who through his “extremism on social issues turning off many moderates and independents” (Cassidy, 2016), didn’t seem to grab a hold of the Republican voter base like Trump did. What Trump managed to do differently from his opposing candidates was his change in focus of Republican policy promises. Instead of targeting the middle-income whites of America and promising them policy changes that cut taxes for the richer, the following of more “laissez-faire” economics, and the usual Republican bases, he instead targeted the same people, but offered them immigration crackdowns, and a focus on policies helping the common American worker, that promised more safety and money in their pockets. Trump has essentially changed his message to appeal to the workers of America, seeing the advantages of a populist economic movement, and appealing to the grand majority of Republicans that rather a candidate that screamed about the possibly controversial social changes like illegal immigration, rather than “conservatively” being conservative. In the end, Trump’s opposing candidates ended up dropping out of the race, including Ted Cruz, and finally finished his campaign with nearly 50% of the delegate vote, while he lead his campaign at a steadily increasing 20% of the votes. Trump was yet to finish his race for the presidency, but throughout his primary election process, it was clear that his reform of a party he essentially grabbed control of, had a great effect on the next leg of the race.

By the end of the Presidential run, Trump beat Hillary Clinton in the electoral college 306-232, a sweeping victory from what was expected. Winning the popular vote by nearly 3 million votes, Trump managed to play the election the way it was supposed to be played; not by pleasing the most, but just enough to win him the key states he needed. Although the reasons for why Trump won the Presidential race against Hillary are innumerable, the totality of arguments can be summed up in a single statement; Trump did not win the election because he was the best candidate for the Presidency, but rather because Hillary was a candidate bound to lose.

Even before her entry into the race against Trump, Hillary was not the candidate that America wanted, and neither was her party. With Obama leaving the stage of America with two terms of unending controversy and problems ranging from government shutdown, to racial shootings, the Democratic party had a lot to pick up on very quickly to face their divided nation. With outgoing vice-president Joe Biden, and a handful of senators left defending the democratic flag after the 2014 midterms, two candidates including the populist left motivator, Bernie Sanders, and Hillary Clinton rose above the rest as the hopeful rejuvenating faces of the Democratic Party. As we know of now though, from leaks by former chair of the Democratic National Committee (DNC) Donna Brazile and many within the Democratic Party, the DNC had chosen it’s candidate long before any other candidates could take a stand. Although the primary election was not technically rigged, the influence of an “invisible primary” within the elites of the DNC chose Hillary Clinton because “As Barack Obama’s presidency drew to a close, the DNC was deep in debt. In return for a bailout, DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz gave Hillary Clinton’s campaign more potential control over its operations and hiring decisions than was either ethical or wise” (Klein, 2017) essentially giving her reigns to drive her nomination forwards, and was also chosen because of her longtime involvement in the Democratic Party as an iconic figure within the First Lady, Senator, and Secretary positions, favoring her endorsements, media coverage, and capital raising advantages. The result of this favoring within the elites of the party was that even before the primaries, Hillary was bound to win, and that was apparent. Candidates like ex-vice president Joe Biden passed upon the opportunity to run for the primary, and in the end, only 5 candidates were part of the first Democratic debate of 2015, including Bernie Sanders. What is interesting from this apparent existing bias is that although it eliminated the existence of multiple candidates like the 17 present in the Republican battle, it was of advantage to Bernie Sanders. Sanders, representing the populist-liberal left wing, with a message “that the powerful and connected were rigging the systems of wealth and influence against the powerless” (Klein, 2017) found himself with the perfect base for his message of corruption, his own party. With very few debates to showcase the Democratic candidates, and the invisible hand of the DNC, Hillary eventually won the primary election with 2807 delegates to Sanders’ 1893.

With the Democratic primary election almost decided ahead of time, it comes at a surprise that their choice of candidate was so weak. As a candidate that stood for more of the same, on the repetitive focus of the minorities of America rather than the majority common folk, the focus on education reform versus a conservative targeting the education less (Zurcher, 2016), and the lack of emphasis on giving concrete economic reforms for the better, Clinton was the wrong move against Trump (Roberts, 2016). Against a populist leader, Sanders, managed to rally all those that had lost faith in the political system and the Democratic Party, and rallied crowds of all ages, including the usually non-participating youth of America. In the end, Sanders was beat to the position of leader before he knew it, and the Democratic Party had chosen to keep politics about the party, and not about the leader. In many ways, Sanders was exactly like trump; A populist ideologist, a firm believer in the failure of the structure of America, and the voice of a leader when America needed it most as he stood for something different. The failure of the Democratic Party to realize who they were up against, and to post up an opposing, but similar leader, led to the supporters of the Democrats to divide instantly. This resentment in the DNC’s lack of fairness in the primaries led Hillary to lose the vote of the young and to essentially fail to recuperate the support of half of her own party. Upon this blunder, and a list of many more, Donald Trump swooped in for the kill.

The problems as Clinton as a candidate versus Trump did not end there though. As a candidate with seemingly no base for her promises and goals for her Presidency, Clinton “always appeared as a cold woman…, as a member of a political establishment rejected by many people” (Savoy, 2017) and a leader of a controversial time in politics. With a record of controversies with her Clinton Foundation, her time as Secretary of State under Obama being stained with issues like the apparent non-action and retention of knowledge that US allies Saudi Arabia and Qatar funded Isis (Cockburn, 2016), and the baggage of her ex-President husband Bill Clinton, and his fair share of controversy during his time in office. The stain on her name was immediately to the advantage of Trump, who in numerous occasions took the liberty of showing his followers the corrupt infection of his opposition. Essentially, Trump had the advantage over Clinton of having a name in the public lexicon associated with wealth and celebrity nature, while Clinton was left with a name in controversial politics, in a “system” that has never been too popular with the majority of Americans. The final controversy that rocked Clinton’s chances at the Presidency had to do with the learning of New York Times Reporter Michael Schmidt that during the Benghazi investigation of 2012, where the US consulate of Benghazi was overrun while Secretary of State Clinton was apparently aware of the incoming terrorist attacks (Graham, 2016), “Clinton had used a personal email account” using a private server, “and her staff decided with emails to turn over to the State Department as public records” and destroyed the “personal ones” (Graham, 2016). Through the divulging of this information to the media and to America, Director of the FBI James Comey stayed back for a while in July of 2016, but eventually testified that the FBI was investigating Clinton’s email scandal, 2 weeks before the general election (CNN, 2017). Although the conclusion of the investigation had no consequences on Clinton legally, the mere fact of the discovery of this news, added to onto her Clinton name, meant that she was to be portrayed as part of the mistrusted politicians of America, and Trump jumped on it. The rise of Trump seemed to coincide between Comey’s two letters where during electoral speeches, to his massive rallies, Trump ridiculed and used Hillary as the type of politician he hoped to replace.

Trump seemed to feed off of Clinton’s mistakes. Without a seemingly interesting or original plan for America brought to the table, Clinton spent her campaign trying to counter Trump, without making a plan of her own. From controversially calling Trump’s supporters “deplorables” and by selling her candidacy merely by being “uniquely qualified to become president” (Roberts, 2016). “Some of those folks – they are irredeemable, but thankfully they are not America” (Jacobs, 2016) Clinton said in a speech, not realizing that even if she doesn’t see them as America, the voting system still counts them if they show up. Clinton’s “stronger together” campaign and overall message seemed to only try to counter Trump’s success in divisiveness, and “ensured the battle was fought on Trump’s terms” (Roberts, 2016). What’s more, Clinton couldn’t compare to the campaigning battle fought by Trump even if she tried. Starting as a candidate almost 2 months before Clinton, Trump tackled 302 different rallies, compared to Clinton’s 276, but which doesn’t include his rallies before his official race began, and the rallies he continues to do as President (Smith, 2016). With under half of overall money raised (258-502 million), and with a large chunk coming from his own pocket, Trump managed to campaign in 45 states to Clinton’s 37. Although in the end, Clinton won the popular vote by a large margin, tactical mistakes in her campaign, such as the focus on states like Ohio and North Carolina which she lost by 51.8-43.7% and 50.5%-46.8% (CNN, 2016) instead of “spending time shoring up the famed blue wall, those 18 states that have voted Democrat for the past six elections” (Bryant, 2016). Trump’s final claim of Florida during the live election seemed to seal Clinton’s fate, as he had played the game of the electoral college well, and had rallied intensely throughout states he shouldn’t and was told he couldn’t win like Wisconsin and Michigan, but had rallied with a message. As not a “natural campaigner” with “flat and somewhat robotic” (Bryant, 2016) tones, Clinton lacked the ability as a candidate to spark the anger and the energy of her voters. Amid her scandals and the lack of trust from America as a whole, Clinton was fooled by a polling system that saw her at the driving seat, while she lost her a majority of her vote to the divided nature of her party with Bernie Sanders, and the vote recuperated by independents Johnson and Stein. During all of this, Trump kept chugging ahead, while Clinton tried to get some sort of message out.

Amid the Democratic Party’s failure in choosing a worthy opponent against him, Trump played a nearly genius political campaign that has secured his seat as the most controversial leader of our time. His strategy can be broken down into three small subsections; how he timed his rise, how he targeted the right people, and how he used the structure of America to his advantage, like social media. He first started with the timing of his rise, staying a lingering and hidden part of the political sphere of America for a long time. By endorsing Mitt Romney, and by starting the idea of the “Birther Movement”, Trump essentially started campaigning and getting his name out there in politics, long before his announcement of running for President. When he did announce his running in the race, he seemed to have picked no better time. America was in a state of division that had not yet been seen before. From the controversies and issues riddling the Obama presidency, primarily during the overturn and shutdown of the House of Congress in the 2014 midterms, Trump had chosen a time to run in which a majority of Americans were fed up with the same type of politician, with the same type of results after their time in office. Trump “was also able to tap into many Republicans’ anger, some of it tinged with racism, about President Obama and his policies..., and into a general disgust with professional politicians, some of which was brought about by the G.O.P.’s own obstructionism” (Cassidy, 2016) and essentially, as an outside candidate revolutionizing the divided and stale Republican Party, was able to spark his “make America great again” message and target the Americans that were left behind for so long.

In addition to choosing the perfect time to run, Trump also chose the right people to target with his ideas. By “ignoring every norm of American politics and hoping to reflect the silent majority” (Savoy, 2017), Trump placed himself as the propagator of sincerity and authority by ignoring the conventional political “politeness” and saying what he had on mind. Through “verbosity, egocentricity, and pomposity” (Savoy, 2017) Trump became the ideal populist movement motivator, and in turn, became what America had been lacking the most in their divisive nature: A leader. Appealing to the left behind of America, the deplorable white men (most that were uneducated) that made up the of the population, that had been left behind in past Republican ideologies. Trump used his flaunting of wealth, his boast of economic prosperity and oppositely “about his debt because it reduced or eliminated his income-tax liability” (Calmes, n.d.) which he inturn spun around to favor his “intelligence”, he targeted the fear in Americans when it came to immigration, the dangers of globalization, and the terrorism threat as he “sensed that his illiberal proposals would prove popular with ordinary G.O.P” (Cassidy, 2016), and finally targeted what middle America cared the most about “religion, liberty, marriage, sexuality, abortion and gun rights” (Krieg, 2016) and he wasn’t scared to voice his un-pc opinion about them. He targeted the America that was said to have “white privilege”, and in turn spun his policies, and those of the Republican Party, in promising to give them the privilege they were accused of having through putting America first in world politics and ideology by limiting free trade, and through the protection of conservative rights of the masses. Upon further analysis of the statistics, of which are well presented in Benjy Sarlin’s analysis of the Trump voting base, it is clear that he succeeded in his mission of targetting the invisible America as higher distressed white Americans drove in waves to vote for Trump. What’s more, the opposing wave of critics To Trump and his supporters only pushed the hypocrisy further as the “white wave” had seen and expected so many qualified candidates before Trump, but had seen nothing out of it. Essentially, as an outsider, “Trump positioned himself closer than other candidates to where the average voter was on these issues” (Mutz, 2018) and in return, only managed to connect with more voters that never quite saw their Republican vote being used properly by prior candidates.

Last, but not least, Trump managed to time and target the right people through the right propagation of his message. From the very first speech, his controversial opinions on non-pc topics like illegal Mexican immigration were propagated across the news. Through insulting decorated war veteran John McCain, and offering a “half-hearted apology when the secret video surfaced of his boasting about making unwanted sexual advances towards women” (Krieg 2016), Trump quickly became the laughing stock of the American media. As the fool of the Republican Party, Trump used the media attention to his full benefit, and through his numerous controversies, actually gained support in his message of going against the “normal” and usual politician. As the destroyer of political correctness, a wave of “ideology of shame” was propagated by the Democratic Party and the American media, only further fueling the followers that understood Trump as the self-funded and politically untouchable candidate that was not influenced by any external factors, because he managed to say exactly what he wanted. The more he was controversial, including his ongoing problems with the Mueller investigation and the possible meddling of Russia, the more his name got out there, and the more people showed up to his rallies in waves. Through controlling the preexisting structure of the “hawking” media, that strikes on any story, and through his revolution in the use of social media, Trump was capable of spreading his message, as no other candidate had done before. By being controversial constantly in person, to taking a break to be leud on Twitter, Trump never stopped his train of influence.

In conclusion, in 2016, America had to chose between two Presidential candidates that were unloved by most Americans. On one hand, America could choose a long time, experienced political actor, but with a baggage of controversies and a lack of message behind her name and campaign. On the other, a braggadocious, often leud and rude celebrity billionaire, with a never before seen rise in political stance through the rallying of the “deplorable” and left-behind middle America, with a strong message of empowering those that never had their voice. These were America’s options, and in the end, America chose change through the election of a long-lost leader figure to the most important position of power in the world. How Trump really did it could be analyzed for years and years to come, with no real definitive answers. But regardless, he may just have been a genius for it.

Refrences

-BBC News. (2017, January 20). Donald Trump’s life story: From hotel developer to president. Retrieved from https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-35318432

-CNN Library. (2018, September 18). Donald Trump Fast Facts. Retrieved from https://www.cnn.com/2013/07/04/us/donald-trump-fast-facts/index.html

-Cassidy, J. (2016, March 3). The problem with the “never-trump” movement. The New Yorker. Retrieved from https://www.newyorker.com/news/john-cassidy/the-problem-with-the-never-trump-movement

-Cassidy, J. (2016, May 4). How Trump won the G.O.P. nomination. The New Yorker. Retrieved from

https://www.newyorker.com/news/john-cassidy/how-donald-trump-won-the-g-o-p-nomination

-CNN. (n.d.) Presidential Election Results 2016. Retrieved from

https://www.cnn.com/election/2016/results/president

-Zurcher, A. (2016, November 10). US Election 2016 Results. A Democratic Part in disarray. BBC News. Retrieved from

https://www.bbc.com/news/election-us-2016-37930473

-CNN Politics. (n.d.) Democratic Primary Results. Retrieved from

https://www.cnn.com/election/2016/primaries/parties/democrat

-Klein, E. (2017, November 14). Was the Democratic primary rigged? Vox. Retrieved from

https://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2017/11/14/16640082/donna-brazile-warren-bernie-sanders-democratic-primary-rigged

-Cockburn, P. (2016, October 14). We finally know what Hillary Clinton knew all along – US allies Saudi Arabia and Qatar are funding Isis. Independent. Retrieved from

https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/hillary-clinton-wikileaks-email-isis-saudi-arabia-qatar-us-allies-funding-barack-obama-knew-all-a7362071.html

-CNN Library. (2018, April 17). James Comey Fast Facts. Retrieved from

https://www.cnn.com/2017/05/03/us/james-comey-fast-facts/index.html

-Graham, D. A. (2016, Novemeber 6). From Whitewater to Benghazi: A Clinton-Scandal Primer. The Atlantic. Retrieved from

https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2016/11/tracking-the-clinton-controversies-from-whitewater-to-benghazi/396182/

-Jacobs, B. (2016, Septemeber 10). Hillary Clinton calls half of Trump supporters bigoted 'deplorables'. The Guardian. Retrieved from

https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/sep/10/hillary-clinton-trump-supporters--bigoted-deplorables

-Smith, C., Kreutz, L. (2016, November 7). Hillary Clinton's and Donald Trump's Campaigns by the Numbers. Abc News. Retrieved from

https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/hillary-clinton-donald-trumps-campaigns-numbers/story?id=43356783

-Bryant, N. (2016, November, 9). Hillary Clinton and the US election: What went wrong for her? BBC News. Retrieved from

https://www.bbc.com/news/election-us-2016-37922959

-Roberts, D. (2016, November 9). Why Hillary Clinton lost the election: the economy, trust and a weak message. The Guardian. Retrieved from

https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/nov/09/hillary-clinton-election-president-loss

-Calmes, J. (n.d.). Donald Trump: Life before the Presidency. UVA, Miller Center. Retrieved from

https://millercenter.org/president/trump/life-presidency

-Savoy, J. (2017, August 16). Trump’s and Clinton’s Style and Rhetoric during the 2016 Presidential Election. Journal of Quantitative Linguistics, 25(2), 168-169. doi: 10.1080/09296174.2017.1349358

-Sarlin, B. (2016, June 20). United States of Trump. NBC News. Retrieved from

https://www.nbcnews.com/specials/donald-trump-republican-party

-Mutz, D. C. (2018, August 5). Status threat, not economic hardship, explains the 2016 presidential vote. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America, 115(19), 4330-4339. doi: 10.1073/pnas.1718155115

-Krieg, G. (2016, November 10). How did Trump win? Here are 24 theories. CNN Politics. Retrieved from

https://www.cnn.com/2016/11/10/politics/why-donald-trump-won/index.html

-Zurcher, A. (2016, November 9). US Election 2016 Results: Five reasons Donald Trump won. BBC News. Retrieved from

https://www.bbc.com/news/election-us-2016-37918303

[lefishe]

Tormenting thoughts

Hey there, thanks for stopping by. Hope you like the refresh of the site. I'd say that I'm pretty excited in having put in the work to change the feel of the site, and although that feeling is positive, the theme of this entry will probably not be. I know I've just written a downer on loneliness, but I've been having deep, and majorly disturbing thoughts over the past few days, and I need to write them down.

Stemming from the topic of loneliness, I mentioned briefly that I really valued the relationships in my life as a huge boost to my success. I definitely hold that true to my heart, and as I wrote before, I felt like I wasn't really accomplishing much if there weren't other people in my life to do those things with. Wether this feeling comes from a constant need for validation, or my natural instincts to cooperate, I can't really tell. But right now, what I can tell is that the lack of important relationships in my life at the moment is definitely making me question my purpose of living.

Now I know what you're thinking, that this is a total existential crisis right? Well, In a way it is, and in a way, it's not, and I want to elaborate on that. I think the greatest feeling right now that I have is one of un-motivation, but that feels different from how I felt in Ottawa last year. In deep depression last year, I felt unmotivated in school primarily, but also in simply just getting up in the morning to live. These past few days, I've realized that although I feel much more motivated to succeed in school and get through my week of chores, work, and more, I feel like there is nothing else in my life that really is keeping me going; and it feels like that could be a problem.

See, I'm a super self-critical person, everyone knows that. And right now, it feels like there is nothing that I am good at. I suck at every single game I play, the notes that I hit on my piano make me just listen to repetitive melodies, I'm mediocre at badminton, and I feel like my life organization skills are held together with scotch tape. For a critical person like myself, this shit is the definition of making me not feel motivated. And yet, it can't be all bad, because I still get everything that I need to get done for week, done.

This exchange in my mind is really toxic. In one aspect, I see the progress I've made since my slump, and I see the steps I'm taking in order to make sure that I don't fall down again. But these days, I see the side of my mind that makes me feel like there is nothing in this world that motivates me, and that there seems to be nothing that is of my interest. This seesaw in my mind is the root of real torment in my everyday life, because it often makes me feel like the road I'm going down is so fogged, I can't even tell where there is a crossroad, and where it's branches could lead me. It feels really like there are no crossroads. That there is no road.

So yeah, that's where I'm at. These corruptive thoughts really are annoying, but by shining a light on them, I hope to make them less obstructive in my mind. I've learned at this point that it is okay to not feel okay certain days. And I think that the past few days have not been okay for me. But, I'm still here, and I'm still trying, and I don't think there's anything better I could be doing.

[lefishe]

The difficulties of individuality

Hey there. Yeah you. Thanks for passing by again. I know I don't write often enough, but I still see your eyes here hunh. I see those eyes reading every single word I am typing right now. Banana. Yeah, you read that too see?

Look I wanted to stop by and talk about a pretty somber topic, but one that I am going to try my hardest to phrase as if its not the end of the world, ok? Because it's not the end of the world. I mean unless you're seeing things that I'm not, I'd say were all quite dandy right now aren't we. Enough rambling, tonight I wanted to write a bit about loneliness, and my struggles in finding valuable friendship in my life.

For a little while now, I've been back at home. It's been great to be back in a supporting environment that I felt like I didn't really have the luxury of affording in Ottawa. This summer, I worked a great job working outside all week long, having fun interactions with coworkers, and being paid well for the work I did. But throughout my busy life at work and at home, a strong feeling of loneliness was beginning to build. Throughout the summer, I'd say it was never to bad. I got to see friends sparsely throughout my free weekends, and through all of my busy time, I felt like enough of my off-time was being fulfilled by interacting with friends.

Since the start of university though, the story has changed quite a bit. Although it's extremely early in my time in school, I am already feeling the deep claws of loneliness in my side. Although I escape it most of the time while I'm around my family, it hits me like a semi-truck every time I am left with a decision about doing something for myself. At those moments, I realize that I really don't have anyone but myself to talk to and to do things with. And fuck is that feeling draining.

I've always been very introverted. I am extremely shy, and I normally tend to avoid conversation with people I don't know, or even with people I do know, but that may not be real friends (no like for real, if I see someone around me that I think I know, I get visibly stressed, and tend to flee). Look all of these factors are an extreme detriment to my personality because although I am extremely anti-social and awkward, I really need friends in my life. Those moments of free time to myself feel like real wastes of my life if I'm not doing something with someone else.

The other quirk that I possess in my toolbox of useless traits is an innate belief that most people that I meet are extremely boring. For example, the other day I played badminton with a group of people who I assume all previously knew each other, and although they laughed at their terrible jokes the entire playing time, I found myself stopping my fake laugh too often. Although this is only one example, it represents 99% of my interactions with new people I meet and it feels terrible.

Throughout trying to analyze this behavior in myself, I've quickly realized that I've always been someone with a very minute amount of friends for a reason: I'm extremely picky. I've understood that if a person is not pretty similar or completely different in thought to me, I very quickly pass them off and I hate this. I feel like the most selfish person in the world for not being able to connect with the majority of the people around me. I feel like I demand excellence and perfection in all the friends I have, and this makes me lose friends.

Look, I know this whole writing is a mess, but so far, I'm trying to make a point that I am someone who really needs friends, but that often pushes them away with how I act. Whether it's from being too demanding, to not demanding enough, to a straight up asshole, I feel like I've always been a bully to my friends, and it's this thought that makes me resist contacting them or finding new ones. This is an extremely self-deprecating fact, and I'm starting to realize what it means. And it sucks.

See, I think that one of the biggest symbols of my loneliness has to be my phone. If you've ever noticed my behavior while I'm alone, which I know you haven't because that would be weird in this context, but regardless, every time I hear my phone buzz, I am extremely quick to pick it up. If you text me on whichever platform, I'm probably the fastest person to respond. And that's a problem. See every time I pick up my phone like that, I'm hoping that its a friend. I'm hoping it's someone that wants to interact, and it's extremely desperate. In the opposite sense, I almost never text any friends, and as I've written above, I've come to the conclusion that this fear of writing to the people I know, comes from a fear of disrupting their life with my presence. I fear being the bully that I know I am able to be with the people I know, and that has held me back from so many occasions to talk to people.

Right now, I don't really have a solution on how to deal with loneliness, or how to deal with the friends that I offend, or those that I fear to offend. I really have no answers, and it's pretty scary. I don't want this writing to be seen as a call for help, or anything of that sort, but I needed to write this to get it off my mind. I just want to be a happy person with friends that I treat well, and right now, I don't think I'm either of those.

[lefishe]

New York City

Okay, okay, I'm trying to stay committed. But look, I've been busy yes (not really I'd just rather play games than write it seems). Nonetheless, last weekend, I made my way over to the Overwatch League Finals in Brooklyn New York, in the hopes of screaming at nerds on a stage to hit some head-shots. Through my screams, and my subsequential loss of voice, the team I rooted for ended up winning. Youpee right? Regardless of all that though, I wanted to write today about what I felt while I roamed the streets of New York City; because in true honesty, I disliked my time in the city because of what I felt.

See in roaming the streets of Times square, I started to realize the enormity of the problem facing the human race. Look, I know this is a super existentially draining thing to think about while on vacation, but really, I couldn't help thinking that we were fucking screwed. I for one do not appreciate large crowds, and in the middle of the busiest part of America, I really felt the invasion of space that mother nature must feel everyday. With the roads that we've paved and the buildings we have constructed, the human race has entirely taken the world hostage. And as a free thinking race, we have created a concrete jungle of constriction and resistance that is rooted in the infrastructures that we ourselves have "wanted". This part about how I felt is pretty abstract obviously, but I believe that the image below shows well the true extent of space we have taken. 

As I saw everyone sprawl around me, it became clearer to me, the amount of people that really inhabit our lands. Fortunately living in a semi-rural environment and a small town, I have the luxury of believing that if I walked out onto a field, there was a grand chance that I would be alone. In those streets though, all I could see was flesh. Everyone was there for a photo, for a stroll, for a night out, whatever the case, it seemed like the entire world was out there that night. Barely anyone was though, which is the scary part to me.

I think that my true understanding of the situation that our planet faces came with the viewing of thousands and thousands of garbage bags littered on the side of every single block of the city. All waiting to be collected, to be dumped, to be replaced the next day by a fresh batch. The enormity of trash around the city made me get a glimpse of the human condition of consumption. Who knows what was in each of those bags, weather from unconsumed food to thrown out plastic wrappers, the sheer amount of bags in this city instilled dread into what our planet really was about.

From the millions of shops across the city to the aforementioned plastic bags, the consumption model of the world truly set in. I believe that this hit me so hard because I saw myself in those plastic bags. As a consumer myself, I can't help notice the amount of items I buy online in the hopes of satisfying my "needs and wants". Although this consumption plague is true about most people, I can only speak for myself in believing that my tendencies in consuming needlessly are rooted in a deeper psychological need. With a loving family and a few friends that I truly care about and love, I certainly place myself into an illusion of comfort. But if the city taught me anything, it's that my desire for consuming comes from an unfilled void in my own life. Weather that instills itself in unfulfilled love or non-satisfying relationships, or anything in between, I cannot truly determine for myself.

I think that New York city has taught me that all humans truly are incredibly lonely and fragile. In a need for human connection to fill the unknown voids in our existence, we resort to physical goods and their flaunting to inflate our self-defense to our own inner conflicts. In an effort to suppress our own difficulties in understanding ourselves, we resort to consuming as many distractions around us. We build relationships and bonds often on the bases of goods and monetary values, further deepening our own self-unconsciousness.

Reading over what I've just written, honestly, I'm not sure I even know what I even mean. All I know is that New York made me realize that my consumption as a human is deeply rooted in a personal need that is not met, and I need to find that bug. As people, we are scared to dive into ourselves, because we fear vulnerability and being faced with the reality that we may in fact have a problem. The human race may not want to confront itself, but it definitely has a problem. If the soberness of the reality in New York has shown me anything, it's that if we do not decide to face this problem right now, it can always get much worse.

[lefishe]

A year in review and love?

Well, it's been a while hasn't it. I'm finally grinding myself back into gear, hoping I can come back and write the ideas I've been keeping for the past few weeks. Thank you if you're still stopping by to read my thoughts, I guarantee there are some great reflective topics on the horizon.

I wanted to write a short piece today because on this day, or in the neighboring ones, I've been single for a year. And I know, of course, that as a young adult in a full life ahead, one year really isn't really that long at all. But knowing the year that I've had, I can accord myself the belief that this time frame has been the greatest one in my life for my personal growth. In short, I'm writing this short piece to reflect upon what being single for a year has been like for me, but in a broader sense, to reflect upon what I've learned about love in the process.

As I've said countless times now, my year has been an incredibly rough one. From family gladiatorial fights and standoffs, to living through the struggles of university, to motivation loss and depression, the heartbreak of last summer to me quickly got engulfed by much more potent problems. And yet although I would characterize my year as a personal struggle, that small feeling of not having an external person loving me anymore made me reflect upon many occasions as to the grand importance and significance of what we refer to as "significant others."

This experience has left me with a deep fascination for what love is. Through my readings of relationship books, blogs, and videos on the matter, I've learned a lot about this truly massive part of our everyday lives. Although a seemingly strange topic to have opinions about for a presently single guy, I want to elaborate my point about the true wonder of love here.

See in love between a family, we tend to believe that disregarding the most terrible of actions by an individual, family love is usually unconditional. This means that no matter what a person in this group says to another or selfishly does for themselves, the natural bond of common DNA makes these people more prone to forgiving and forgetting because of their innate relationship. This unconditional love can also be explained through the principle that in a family, I know that I love my family members just as much as they love me, building a trust that usually last a lifetime. Knowing the nature of family relations, love becomes intriguingly more fascinating to me because as individuals, we not only search out the love of family members, but of that of random individuals in our vicinity.

I want to drive the point across that love between two people that aren't connected by family is special because in reality, these people shouldn't, under any circumstance, have any obligation to know who they are. And yet in our everyday lives, connections between friends, acquaintances, and significant others pop out of nowhere! This is the aspect of love that I find fascinating because, for these people to remotely know each other and to invest anytime into each other, should be remarked as an incredible act. I know this all sounds quite cheesy, but I believe that the human condition itself is one of infinite mysteries. See connections by themselves are incredibly impressive, but after reflecting on the human aspect of this need, they start to make more and more sense. It is a fact that as people, no matter how unselfish and outgoing we are, we all have the desire to be wanted and more importantly validated in our actions and decisions. No where is this validation more potent than in relationships between to random individuals. If you think about it, in families, we normally feel quite empty in validation and want because we know that no matter, our family is going to support our choices without question (unless you're doing cocaine or something). But, for our actions to lead us to reach out and search for external validation from random love that conditionally has no obligation to even pay attention means that as people, we have a rooted need to have love from others that can question or accept ourselves.

This point is one that I've thought infinitely about because going through a relationship and then not having one, I realized how much of my decisions were being checked and vetted beforehand. In a singular life, we life with infinite questions and doubts about our decisions and actions, driving us to be more independent and sure of ourselves. Although I don't think I've grown myself a very strong self-confidence throughout the past year, I can see that I've relied more on my own instinct and decision making to make sure that I am ok with who I am.

I know this writing was short, but I truly think that love is an important topic to talk more about and I will be resurfacing it in further writings. As for my year in review, I think that the start of this summer has been the best that I've been in a long time, optimistically pushing driving me to improve who I am even more.

[lefishe]

Journalism today

Hey! I wanted to share this writing from my journalism class in uOttawa because I considered it to be a pretty realistic analysis of journalism in Canada and in the digital era of the world (and because this writing was 5200 words and I'm proud of that :). We were asked to answer two very vague questions about the grandest topics we covered in class, and of course, I wrote lots on each question, developing the ideas that I chose. I somehow got a 100% on this so I think it's worthy of my blog. Enjoy!

Question 1: Explain the main challenges that Canadian journalism has faced over the past 10 years and use that to describe the state of Canadian journalism today.

As a parliamentary democracy, Canada has always upheld the mentality of representing an equal growing ground for all of it’s citizens and a forum for the individual to maintain their own right to have a voice for their thoughts and opinions. Although Canada does withhold the founding principles that have kept its operation as a liberal democracy and a neighbor to almost every country worldwide, it has faced the grandest challenge in maintaining the primary link between the individual and the change they want to see in government: journalism and its assets. Over the past 10 years, the identity and state of Canadian journalism has been challenged drastically by the conglomeration of media outlets, the disintegration of local news, and the challenges of going online. How exactly have these challenges manifested themselves, how have they been addressed, and in what state is our home nation’s check on democracy?

Now although Canada has faced a multitude of challenges within its journalism industry, these problems are almost all thwarted and engulfed by the ideas behind the political economy of the media. As a study of power relations analyzing the chain of processes that go from managing to producing modern communications material (Mosco, 2008), the political economy of the media, or really just media economics, is a method of realizing the impact of larger institutional decisions on the coinciding results for Canadian media and journalism specifically. This analysis was primordially done by Dwayne Winseck, in which his papers argued that although the media in Canada is not under crisis, it is clear that the existing network media ecology is evolving in ways that aren’t all so positive for Canadians. One important distinction made in the development of media in Canada and the world is media proliferation versus media concentration. The first, media proliferation, stands for the massive divulsion of media outlets online, the creation of new media sources, and the effects of massive browsers and social media companies like Google and Facebook on the profitability and survivability of traditional media outlets. The second, media concentration, dives deeper into the financialization process of conglomeration of the largest media firms in Canada. Winseck throughout his deep dive of the political economy of the media in Canada basically comes to a conclusion about the financialization of the media, explaining that although the “big 10” and other traditional media outlets are not in crisis and are actually very lucrative businesses, their need to adapt to media proliferation and their growing habits of conglomeration into larger owner or shareholder-controlled businesses is creating “fairy-tale levels of capitalization, enormous debt, and dubious business strategies” (Winseck, 2010). In culmination, the complex nature of the evolving political economy of the media have led to true struggles for the journalism industry in Canada, from the independent or local writers, to the struggles of internet profitability.

Local and independent journalism has never had a tougher time in Canada than today. Through the lack of profit to be made by on-website ads to the conglomeration of media outlets into massive pronged businesses, weather online or in a simple town, the survivability of Canadian independent media is at true risk. The National Observer for example, as a three-year-old private independent media outlet, sprung out of the growing need for hardcore investigative journalism that empowers its readers with non-advocated information. In their short existence, they have deeply influenced their readers and the policies that they investigate in government yet have ran into the principle problems that all independent Canadian media outlets face online. Having to use a subscription model rather than ads (due to adblockers and the unprofitability of online ads), the start-up of The National Observer as an experiment for the ways in which journalism can be funded today have in fact led the company to remain in negative gains. The struggles of this independent news outlet thus shows the struggles of trying to compete with the giants already established into a cycle of financialization. The struggle of independent media is a problem in Canada because just as with local outlets, the next discussion, they are necessary to uphold democracy.

Friends of Canadian Broadcasting in a study, “warned the Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission that without intervention, half of Canada’s small- and medium-market television stations could disappear by 2020” (Lindgren, 2017). With this risk in mind, over the past 10 years and the few to come, Canada has been plagued with a “local news poverty” which in turn has caused true fear for the access and delivery of information for Canadians of all areas. This crisis can easily be seen in development through a crowd-sourced map called “The Local News Research Project”, which started in June of 2016, has since tracked the disappearance of local journalism and given valuable data in the understanding of what is happening to these affected communities. From the data collected, such as in the pie chart below from January 3rd 2017, it can be observed that closures surpassing all others transitions for existing news outlets across Canada are actually even worse than they appear as a reported 120 of the 171 closures below are from community papers (Lindgren,2017).

In addition to the general extinction of local news across Canada, examples like the Lindsay Post of the amalgamated municipality of Kawartha Lakes in south central Ontario stand out as deeper dives into the real issues that come from the struggle of local news. Started pre-confederation in 1861, and shut down after 152 years, transferring from Osprey Media Group in 2001 to Québecor in 2007 only to be completely shut down 6 years later, the loss of Lindsay Post meant a big deal for the Kawartha Lakes municipality. With very little semi-regular papers, and no independent radio hosts, the area seems bare of any daily sources of news, creating shortages in pre-existing city hall, or school board information that used to be readily available. The struggle of Kawartha Lakes highlights very clearly all the problems that arise through the lack of local news in Canada’s communities. The first comes with the lack of perspectives, as Lisa Gervais, one of the last reporters at the Lindsay Post explains that “When you only have one reporter, who’s the voice of the checks and balances” and that with such a tight nit community, the value of sides on issues from local changes to national elections greatly influences the individuals feeling of participation. In addition, with lack of quick news in Kawartha Lakes, the community has referred back to social media, where as local MP Jamie Schmale expresses “Everyone with an iPhone seems to think they’re a journalist now. That’s why we’re seeing the emergence of fake news” showing the reality of skewed and unreliable news on social media. From the loss of community connectivity through events, to the loss of jobs, to the lost legitimacy of remaining news outlets in Kawartha Lakes, this local loss of journalism is a true testament to the growing identity of lobbed conglomerated news in Canada. From independent online news outlets dealing with national issues, to the very smallest outlets in towns, the failing of these sources of journalism in comparison to the capitalized “big 10” show the struggle in legitimacy, correct information delivery, and loss of forum for discussion on relevant local to national issues to the citizens of Canada’s democracy.

In thus visualizing the culmination of the conglomeration of mass media and the degradation of local and independent media, the political economy of the media seems to lack any sort of answer to its downfalls in Canada. This is because although trying to invest in local journalism through budgets and projects, the Canadian government could certainly be supporting the journalism industry in Canada more than it has. Canadians as a whole seem to understand that to a modern democracy, the requirement for journalism that supplies individuals with varying perspectives and quality information is important. And as Edward Greenspon, CEO of the Public Policy Forum explains himself, “Journalism’s main job is to keep watch over the powerful precincts of society – to challenge, cajole, educate pester” and yet we are letting it slip away in Canada. In his own research through “The Shattered Mirror” report, the Public Policy Forum found that polled Canadians although aware of the democratic implications of the strength of journalism, also saw that “they are wary that government support for the news media could corrupt this watchdog role”, and that from this conclusion, the need for government support seemed necessary, but in mainly making sure that Canada had a strong independent journalistic force (Greenspon, 2017).

For government intervention into an industry that itself acts as a check on power, the views and expectations of these interventions must be made very clear, and with the intent of diversifying and evolving the Canadian journalism industry. This fair point shows much about how journalism in Canada hasn’t succeeded with help from the government, because just as recently with the 2018 budget, civilians were given very much info into how $50 million dollars will be distributed to local journalism over the next 5 years. Instead of vague budgets, the government should have and should in the future stay proactive in pushing its journalistic industry if it has any rights of calling itself a modern democracy. A great example of this lack of opportunity seizing is and was apparent during the US 2016 election, where amidst of the highest attacks on the presidency and the lowest support for a right-winged and fake news-oriented journalism sector in the US, Canada did not seize the opportunity to fill in the void. With Canada resonating globally as a liberal and moral sanctum, and our prime-minister winning the PR game globally through his charm, Canada is failing in innovating the way that it’s journalism industry operates the competition that exists all through forgetting our advantages in ethnical diversity and openness, while staying stuck under the rigid structure of the “dark age” of Harper (Li, 2017).

In order for Canada to go “beyond surviving, and start thriving” (Li, 2017) in its journalism industry, it should start being proactive in it’s evolution and policy. For journalism to thrive in such a grand territory such as Canada, the importance of local and independent media must both be taken into account. Here are some much needed recommendations of ways to fix the struggle of journalism in Canada: re-incapsulate the CBC/Radio Canada’s almost 1 billion dollar demanded budget into a platform for sharing journalism to strengthen players that aren’t necessarily attached to the government, create incentives (in tax breaks for example) for the public, or most importantly the young public into investing and engrossing themselves in new media, strengthen the regulatory sector against the downfall of philanthropic or non-profit journalism so that these journalistic opportunities continue to support their communities (Beers, 2017), and finally, but most importantly for this era of new media and media concentration, reverse tax advantages for media giants in Canada, like Facebook and Google, that through little limits “90 percent of Canadian digital ad purchases go to just 20 ad sellers, and mostly Facebook and Google”(Greenspon).

In conclusion, these solutions, although all difficult in their own right to implement by tomorrow, are meant to highlight the very bases of the challenges that Canadian journalism has faced across the past 10 years, From media concentration and the difficulties of staying even for profit online against mega players, to the difficulties of local and independent journalism in getting support against the conglomerated “big 10’s” of the world, Canadian journalism has had a hard time distinguishing itself. Currently at the 22nd spot worldwide on the press freedom index, Canada hasn’t escaped itself either from the grasp of scandals and controversies that has endangered in journalistic image globally. Yet even through the struggles of the political economy of the media and the capitalization of massive media outlets, to the struggles of communities in supporting their dying local news organizations, Canada has always had the hand to play in saving its own journalistic industry and making it globally renown. As a common people, we should stand for a change in which the state of our Canadian journalistic industry isn’t so at risk as it is today. Through policy development and the openness of people to invest themselves into the very pillar supporting and checking our democracy, journalism in Canada can thrive.

Question 2: How has digital technology affected the practice of journalism? Consider both challenges and opportunities.

As part of the very pillars, the very cemented principles that stand to monitor and check the liberal democracies of today, journalism has had to adopt its methods of transmitting information throughout the different eras of telecommunication and has had to do so through times of crisis of change. From paper, to radio, to television, the journalistic industry has never faced a greater challenge than in adapting to the digital age of the internet and modern networks. Weather in a crisis or doing better than ever, modern journalism has had the struggles of converting all levels of analysis from local to global news to a digital age tapped with irregularities and challenges upon every corner of the internet. From allowing information to be spread like never before to the reaches of the globe to the risks of media domination by the largest internet players, the shift to digital journalism hasn’t had a break to rest. Within all this apparent chaos, what truly has improved from the shift to digital for journalism, or is the crisis we face in this transition not worth the problems?

A great segue into understanding how digital technology has affected journalism today is through Marshall McLuhan’s own equation to understanding the ecology of the media: “The medium is the message”. This complexion of the joining of the mere information transmitted to the way that it is transmitted tries to set straight for modern journalism that as the digital era and its counter parts attach themselves to the journalistic information we already know, this very information is changed in meaning and perception. As McLuhan explains it, “the message is “the change of scale or pace or pattern” that a new innovation “introduces into human affairs”” (Federman, 2004), whereas the change in inter-personal dynamics is the change that the invention brings with it. As he sees the medium as “any extension of ourselves” and a characteristic that is constantly growing, it can be understood through this principle that the effect of digital journalism goes beyond just rewriting articles upon a website instead of a page. The rise of the digital mergence of journalism has instigated a new era of innovation within its own sphere for the ways in which news is propagated, the evolution of the previously only physical manifestation of the political economy of the media into the cloud, and the ways in which anyone can participate in the basis for democratic debate and upholding.

Although it can be seen in extreme broadness all the way to specific examples, one of the greatest opportunities through the shifting of mediums to the digital era comes from the aforementioned realization of greater innovation in the journalistic space. On the internet, there has never been a greater opportunity for news to be shared through ways that could have never been imagined before; from podcasts to videos, to interactive articles that engage a reader with live statistics, to the availability of the city newspaper online every single day, the digital medium has allowed journalists to express their voice in more ways than they could have ever imagined. Not only are the ways in which views and information are being shared changing, but through the digital age, journalism as in its content and relevancy has also evolved. From a pool of perspectives and approaches, to issues from across the globalized planet, journalism has taken a significant leap from a traditional, expository style of reporting to a more solutions-based journalism, where the journalist and the informed can have a greater influence on the issue being discussed, in its transition to the digital space. This movement is apparent in the availability of more opinion-based journalistic pieces, through the freedom for anyone to write their own blog or piece reporting their opinions or experiences, and more. Through the facility of enabling solutions-based journalism through the internet, it is no wonder that as individuals, we have never had a greater time of personal connection to the issues that matter to us. By raising issues that can be shared across the globe, the medium of the internet has also allowed for giant social movements, collections of petitions, and the use of websites like Patreon and GoFundMe to respond directly in mass to issues that journalists have brought to light, and to uphold the individual duty of all, not just journalists, to act as watchdogs to those in power.

Innovation in the medium of digital journalism has also helped surface a greater trend for journalism education. As it will come more apparent in later sections, the transition to the digital medium has caused major problems for the existence of local and regional news outlets across the world, and in its fall, has left an open area for communities to discover what enables them to stay informed. Weather it’s student newspapers expanding their horizons of news collecting to fill the void of the community and cities around them, to the niche interests of people globally all being able to use the ease of internet access in order to share their news, the digital medium has allowed anyone and any community to truly investigate and share as much news as they well desire. Through the internet, the educating of every individual can be facilitated, allowing them to participate and respond to the issues that interest them. See, although the survivability of local news stations and newspapers is beyond threatened by the transition to a digital medium of journalism, this separation of communities is still opening up a new space for different communities to flourish. Although this sounds convoluted, let’s observe this through two websites that embrace journalism for a community.

The first, Beme News is a relatively small news organization that has gone through multiple changes in it’s existence. First trying to compete against Snapchat as a social media platform, the company was sold after an unsuccessful run to CNN, where the brand was changed into a small branch of news, posted on YouTube. Their channel, with only 275 thousand subscribers put out extremely thorough investigative pieces on what the modern informed person could find interesting, through topics like Bitcoin, hurricane Irma, Tesla, net neutrality, to revolutions and electoral conflicts across the world. Although the company was disbanded very recently by CNN (probably due to the difficulty of making a profit through online journalism, and not based on the quality of the content), the YouTube channel and the reporters behind it are still sharing their work. This company is a great example of the benefits of digital journalism because comparably to companies like Vox or Buzzfeed, Beme in the wave of entrepreneurial new media has focused it’s reporting on the individual, the stories that matter in a modern context, and sharing this information through a video medium that people enjoy, and that would have never existed before hand.

Secondly, with personal experience on the workings of this independent news outlet, HLTV stands as an outcome of the possibilities that the internet has allowed for in digital journalism. As a news site and statistics megaplex, the independent running of HLTV as a Counter-Strike (A very popular video game) news outlet for the past 10 years and more shows the possibility of community development through the internet. Without the modern mediums of the digital age, such a website would have never existed, and have never allowed for a community to flourish around the investigative pieces, reflective articles and news updates that HLTV puts out regularly. In addition to allowing for a previously untapped journalistic community to flourish, HLTV also stands as a true upholder of the importance in knowledge based journalism, accurate reporting, and opinion making in its pieces. With rising concerns about the fallibility of the news online through fake news and unbalanced organizations, HLTV through its process of fact verification, removal of opinion, and use of its own incredibly interactive statistics database can engage its own community reliably and truthfully.

Although the innovations of digital journalism presented seem irreputable in their effect on the positive growth of journalism, the truth of the matter lays on an edge. Through the innovations of news sharing and creation, many would consider the digital era as one greater democratization as the globalization of news access and creation is allowing the individual to have a greater role in watching over the powers over them. In hindsight though, the impact of digital journalism is actually playing a balanced role in democratizing, but also causing greater business and philosophical challenges across its sphere of influence. These challenges range from the political economy implications of news organizations manifesting themselves online, the possibilities of news creation and distribution by anyone, to the actual libertarian voice of online journalism not being as global as it may be perceived.

The greatest overarching problem that has been encountered in the transition towards the medium of the internet has been the adaptation of established news organizations, local, and independent media outlets to the challenge of such an easily and readily accessible space by all people globally. This issue can be compacted or unravelled in a multitude of ways, but in start, begins with major news outlets first posting their daily news and articles to their own online websites. The problem that arises with online news websites comes from the profitability requirements that are difficult to be met. “Technology has torn apart the two businesses – advertising and news – that used to be bound together by the physical artefact of the newspaper” (Simons, 2017), where people who wanted to buy cars or houses through physical ads found it in their daily newspaper. Now though, the problem arises for online based news websites because advertising online is much cheaper, and while based through Google ad integration, doesn’t actually pay the journalist directly. This has caused struggles for the biggest journalist websites on the web, and through their innovation of subscription based models, allows them still to render enough profit to keep publishing. The real economic tragedy that exists in this transition to online profitability is a degradation of the rise of local and independent media outlets. See in gigantic news organizations like The New York Times, or The Washington Post, bypassing unprofitable ads for subscription adherences works because of the sheer mass of their readers, their influence in only allowing these subscribers to see their articles, and the actual profitability that can arise from such a system. For local newspapers or rising independent media (like The National Observer), the prospect of almost no ad revenue and a smaller, or potentially growing reader base having to subscribe to view their content may scare many off to enjoy the open sharing of news across social media instead. With the already grand wave of disappearing local news outlets from readers just preferring the availability of always accessible global news on the internet, and the difficulties of running a media outlet as an interdependent force against the strength of the largest conglomerated players in the political economy of the media, it comes to no surprise that digital journalism has endangered the watchdog journalism that keeps check upon the powers of the world, weather at the highest echelon, all the way down to the local communities that we all live in.

In journalistic void that has arisen from the advertising model failure for independent and local news stations, a new type of journalist has established themselves as the global players in news propagation. Without employing any journalists, Google and Facebook as the largest social media engines have become the true power house publishers of the world. As recyclers of news posted through the largest journalistic industries, these mere monopolies of the advertising model rely on attaching relevant articles and advertisements to all its users through the collection of their personal interests and profiles. This economic disaster for smaller news organizations has resulted in Google and Facebook, as managers of advertisements to collect an estimated 90 cents on every dollar spent in advertising across the western world (Simons, 2017). As social media platforms in their own rights (Google also owns YouTube), these mega players in the journalistic industry also are massive distributors of false information, due to the philosophical issues that come from such an open internet.

The problems with Facebook and Google being such giant players in the journalism industry can be boiled down to the individual. As anyone with a phone or camera is capable of writing or recording the information that they so desire, weather accurate or false, and distribute it online through social media, “Journalists have lost their monopoly”. As “the lines separating reporters, editors and audiences have become very blurry” (Basen, 2009), the risks of having such an open internet become increasingly apparent. Through instant forwarding and publication across this new digital medium, news that is published by anyone across social media can be seen by anyone worldwide, and assumed to be true. This is the root that has been established in the fake news conundrum across the internet, because through the instant flow of information, and the human factor of laziness in not questioning the validity of all the information online, the growth and continued spread of news across social media sites like Google and Facebook shows a major threat in the continued existence of true news organizations that report through reputation. The fear in the growth of these media mega plexes is that “a well-functioning democracy still cries out for human beings who, however imperfectly, go to work every day to sort the consequential from the ephemeral and, yes, fact from fiction” (Greenspon, 2017). Without the human aspect in journalism, the whole responsibility and opinion discussion aspect of journalism is removed. If the fear of lack of accountability for information, the loss of media literacy, and the degradation of the local and independent news survivability isn’t enough, understand also that in an era where Google and Facebook tailor their news to the viewer, and anyone can write and publish the news based on their personal perspective, the digital cocoon created by the digital journalism industry will end up separating every individual more than allowing them greater tools for democratization. As you “only see things you agree with, only learn what you already know” and “block the shocks and hard truths, the things you don’t agree with” (Newton, 2013), we become disconnected with the need for real news organizations in their ability to objectively shape and portray the information that is relevant to all citizens.

In the growing concerns about the philosophical and economical challenges of a shift towards larger conglomeration of news in media super giants, many forget to realize that the digital era of journalism hasn’t had an equal distribution of effects across the world. As the Freedom of the Press 2017 statistics show, an estimated 13% of the world actually enjoys a free press (including journalist safety, minimal state intervention, and minimal economic pressures on the press). The document itself tries to explain that other than most western countries, the press online has become a new target for authoritarian restrictions of the freedom of information, the undermining of traditional media outlets by political figures, and the rejecting of the journalistic industries role in ensuring checks and balances on the powers of nations (as shown by Trump’s inherent hatred for the journalist media). “The rise of the internet weakened the financial underpinnings of long-established media organizations” (Abramowitz, 2017), has changed the political economy of the biggest media companies, reducing the power of local news organizations, and has caused the definitive polarization of news outlets across nations. As the very symbolistic democratic nations of the world struggle to keep the freedom of the press alive in the midst of a new era of digitalization, it becomes increasingly more difficult to see these nations stand as examples for the governments and states that keep the press under wraps (Abramowitz, 2017). Through the crumbling of the financial supports that have kept journalists afloat and still able to spread their information, other factors such as the repeal of net neutrality in the United States create as many issues for the freedom of the press as with repressed countries. In whole, the digital era has in itself disrupted the very bases that kept journalists still writing, but has also been adapted worldwide as just another medium that can be blocked in the nations that disagree with the freedom of the press. To say that the press has then globalized would be quite an overstatement.

In conclusion, although the final points have most likely seemed as huge, uninterruptable obstacles in the degradation of journalism as we know it through its evolution in the digital medium, the fall of journalism is not upon us. As individuals of liberal democracies, the people of our nations have understood the continued importance of supporting our journalistic enterprises, weather locally, independently, or globally. The digital era is one that has not opened itself fully to the vast innovations that will flourish from it, and in reality, the transition to the medium of the internet might never end. For now though, we must realize that in order to keep our necessary check on government alive, we must band together in supporting the journalists that have done their duty since the birth of democracies. We hold it upon ourselves to endure the temptations of isolating our ideas and opinions within the new social media giants of the internet, and vow that the freedom of the press will always be an ongoing battle. Globalization has given us this new digital medium, and in order to protect our right to be individually informed and ready to question the powers above, we must keep supporting the journalism industry, no matter the medium that it places itself in.

[lefishe]

The year is done

So, I've just finished what I would consider to be the toughest 8 months of my life. From staying hidden in my room from the conflicts of reality in fall, to grinding out an acceptable grade in the winter term, I think I've been through quite a lot in the past months. I am writing this to react retrospectively to what my year has been, the expectations that I've been setting for myself, and the future that lays ahead of me this summer (so stick around if that sounds fun).

I think that describing how I feel after finishing my winter term is quite challenging. For myself, who I consider the hardest judge of my own goals and achievements, I find it hard to see the feeling of "pride". Although I struggled with aspects of my life that dragged me down that may have been out of control, my mind is hardwired to always look at the "do better" initiative. But although my toughness on myself restricts me from celebrating a successful push at the end of the year or a distinctively good grade on a project I worked hard on, I can definitely feel pretty excited about my turnaround this year.

From the horrible time that I had in my first term at uOttawa in electrical engineering where it seemed that my lack of motivation for the classes I was involved in, pressure of trying to figure out what fit my university career path, and the mix that came unnaturally from my struggles with depression, finishing this term with an average at least over 70%, and a couple courses where the assignments that I submitted were some of the best analytical writing pieces I've ever written, has pushed me to believe that there is a path for me to succeed in the university landscape, I just have to discover it for myself. And although my second term had large reminders of the struggles that were still present from before, from slumps in motivation, to the depressive problems of me and others affecting my moods in waves, I pushed through to deliver what has made me pretty satisfied.

My future in school at the moment of writing is still out of my hands though, as my transfer to the University of Bishops is in it's evaluation phases. I can say that although I respect what I did and achieved in Ottawa, being there definitely taught me about the importance of the environment in which we live in. I learned quickly within my second term that merely changing my major wasn't going to be enough to get me on my feet. From early on, I made the steps to make sure I would be able to transfer schools, and return back home, to a support group that could be there whenever I needed at arms reach. I realized very quickly the importance of support when you are going through rough times, and although I did have my share of falls in winter, the prospect of being able to change school really motivated me to get the best grades that I could to impress BU.

I think that the most important part of my experience throughout the past 8 months, and one I want to share, is the ability to cherish the times of struggle. See, I can't phrase it any differently, or put sparkles on the facts; I had a shit and rough time at Ottawa. The experience, although sugar coated with the influence of friends and the city, was at its core pretty detrimental to my emotional and psychological state. But you know what, I wouldn't change anything about it. You know there's this saying that I heard one of the you-tubers I watch, Casey Neistat, say that has rung true to me in my experience at Ottawa. Basically, from getting to mega influencer type status as a videographer, Casey passed through all the rough jobs like dishwashing for a local restaurant. And basically, from that terrible experience, he mentions that its important to do those type of jobs, because you learn exactly what you don't want to do in life. Throughout that time at that shitty job, you learn about all the things that you rather be doing.

What I take from this lesson and my experience at Ottawa is that throughout my struggles, I learned exactly what type of mental and physical state I DON'T want my body to be in. I've learned what it feels like to feel depressed, to feel motivated, to feel completely out of hope for the future, and yet to learn that through a couple small steps, a spark can be lit for a recovery. See I reflect upon this experience in this light because I don't want to take my life for granted. If "fate" as it will, wanted me to go through these struggles to find out and realize what I want to quantify as success, than so be it. With this perspective, I can say to life confidently "WHAT ELSE YOU GOT HUNH? THAT'S SOME WEAK SHIT IF THAT'S ALL THE HATE YOU'VE GOT TO THROW."

I really wanted to share this point because for anyone else that feels like I felt, although everyone's struggle with depression and anxiety is subjective, I want them to know that trying to embrace the struggle actually makes it worth it in the end. If you are built as a human to withstand the beatings from our very own confused minds, well then that's what we have to live through to realize our potentials. Our potability as people are limited, at it's core, by our ability to turn every experience into one to grow from, even if it means struggling like I have. That struggle, It's fired me up now more than ever. I'm done school for the summer, and with a job and projects that I truly think will compliment my abilities, I've felt a drive that has been absent for a very long time, and it couldn't feel better. So believe me, It is worth it to go though the times of struggle, because if you believe in your ability to get out of it, you'll come out knowing more about what you want you world to be than every before.

Other than that, although I've seemed to bash my time at Ottawa pretty heavily, I still wanted to acknowledge the parts that made the experience better. For that, you don't have to look any further from the friends I made. I know it sounds cliche, but I really value friendship. Although I consider myself pretty introverted and shy, I really am supplemented and requiring of friends that share and are honest with each other. I can safely say that I found those supports at Ottawa and they really made my experience better in every way. So here's to a few specific thank you's, assuming anyone ever finds this.

Emily and Brianna, thank you for being my best buds all the time. From a janky science project that I could have flaked on at any second, I met two incredible women that I found to be unique and messed up enough for us to connect. From our movie nights, to just silently staring at each other, I really thank you guys (I mean girls, I mean, uhhhh, nouns suck) for the time we spent together because I had a blast. You guys supported and listened to me during my fall term mishaps, and really pushed me to match your strive in school during the winter term. I couldn't have stayed sane during those months without you guys so again, I couldn't be more thankful.

And, to the squad (you know who you are), although you guys made "business decisions" and I'm hoping somehow this reaches you all, I wanted to thank you all for supporting me as well. I know it sounds simple, but to me, the very fact of being able to eat with each other, those quick interactions really kept me going. Having a group for that and all the other fun nights we had, that also kept me going throughout these 8 months. I know some of you may have found me quite a drag, or sometimes a hard to reach friend, but I hope that I can learn from this experience to improve myself in the future. And of course, as I am bound to pass by Ottawa again, some of you might not want to see me, and I respect that, but I will signal when I pass by for those who do. I respect you all, and wish you guys the best of success and Ottawa, and no matter where life take you, you all will find your unique talents and qualities to serve you wonders in the future.

I plan to return to Ottawa at certain points during the year, because I have learned that I made some good friends that aren't worth losing. To all that may stumble across this as well that I met, thank you for being you and being supportive of me!

In conclusion here, I want to finish this quite self-centered piece on the prospects and the visions of my summer, and further. Of course, as you read this, I plan to keep on writing plenty of pieces that have been jogging in the brain. I am of course writing these as lessons, or as opinion-based pieces, and really, I just want to keep writing as a tool for my own mental health. The mere fact of reflecting upon the struggles and ups of my life has given me greater perspective upon the prospects of my life and of my view of myself. To add to this, I've got tons of plans for really interesting projects at home that are bound to keep me busy, and I will definitely take the time this summer to connect with the friends dearest and nearest to my heart around me.

Overall, I'm feeling larger parts of me retrospecting positively upon the past few months in way that is truly helping me develop as a person. From learning to love myself and the life that I have ahead to learning more about how to love others equally as well, I am very excited about continuing to evolve and develop as a person. I know this all may sound quite self-centered, but for anyone reading this, I recommend the use of personal writing whole heartily as a profound self-reflection tool. This blog has continued to be a source of inspiration for my own personal writing, but as well a conveyor for my ideas about the world. And I intend in continuing to do so.

[lefishe]

Who we are

I recently read a blog post titled "How to grow the fuck up: A guide to Humans" by Mark Manson (link down below) and was inspired to write a little about what makes you and me who we are. See throughout the article, I noticed that the author heavily focused on what makes an adult an "adult" and the steps taken by our minds to get from childhood to where you are today. And although I completely agree with what Manson explained to be the real defining features of an adult, I felt that he missed a chance to talk more in depth about why we are the way that we are.

See, I've always had this strong feeling about the way our characters develop from a young age. And as Mark explains himself, the true redeeming qualities that resonate in adults these days were mainly passed down through strictness and correct parenting. Through the correct processes of explaining what is wrong and what is right, as children, we develop our "good and bad" meters by the effectiveness of our parents to show us what they think is ethically, morally, and ideologically correct. Without this moral barometer that teaches us from a young age about the dynamic reality of life, we stay stuck in childhood, waiting for someone capable of showing us the way to live to enter our lives.

In addition to the importance of our parents own character, to become better people, we tend to tell ourselves that we must stay introspective and observant of the way that others live themselves. True adults know the moral barometer that they have acquired, and in turn, know how to judge their own actions based upon the values that they hold to themselves. These values, so entrenched into those that were handed down to us, are extremely important in being able to understand our growth and capacity to acting tolerantly and intelligently as individuals in our modern world.

Now although this may all seem like worthless gibberish, there is a point that Manson and I would most definitely agree on in the way that we become who we are. And although he doesn't specify it in this article, I truly believe that the way that our own character develops as an individual is almost solely based on not our own minds, but the minds that we have surrounded ourselves with from the beginning.

See there's this theory about the butterfly effect. When I was "on the tab" to being born, I was meant to have the name William. That name never ended up being tagged on me because by dad's friend had his kid before me, them taking full opportunity to name their child William. When I think about this point, and the butterfly effect, I often believed that I would have been a totally different individual if I were have been given the name William. But, as you can tell through the topic of this post, I have rethought this perspective, and hence decided that nothing (ok maybe some things) would have changed about my character, and let me explain why.

As a kid until high school, the greatest influences in our lives are our parents. Although you may find some friends that have some moral bearing or effect on you, I have found that the friends that start affecting you arrive further down in your life. Staying on the topic of parents, I lived in what I could only describe as the luckiest arrangement of parents possible. In comparison to a lot of kids I knew in primary school, I got lucky, and got the parents with the damn strictest, yet tolerant and most flourished sense of their own moral barometer around. Back then, it may have seemed to me that I was getting the roughest time of all from my super limited time on the computer, to the greatest exigence on getting my work done as well as I could, to the experiences of sometimes unlikable activities in multiple different day camps during the summer, to often being tugged by my dad to help around the house, to helping in the kitchen when I just didn't want to. And yet, here I am today. Wasn't that bad was it?

See, I'm giving all these examples because when I think of who I am today, I have the hardest of times trying to differentiate what I was taught from what may have flourished out of nowhere. And although for certain people, this could be seen as a bad thing, I couldn't be more happy about who I have become. From the friends that I made in high school and beyond, I have learnt the act of truly loving friends, of understanding the struggles of helping someone through depression, the necessity for those random people in your life that appeared because they thought you were interesting. I learnt about the hardships of love, the importance of teamwork, the pain of deception and lying, and the growth of tight knit groups of people from their common suffered problems. And yet through all those lessons, when I truly look at myself, the parts that stand out to me the most all come from my parents.

In perspective, although I have lived through the home of my mom, and that of my dad and my step mom as a separated environment, the values that I have learnt from both households couldn't be more similar. From my introspective outlook on improving myself, to my ability to know many things about so many different topics, to my personal toughness and rigid regiment for how I see my success, to my necessity to just get shit done to feel better, to an infinite greater amount of values, when I look at myself, I see the values that I have toughly embraced from my parents. I see what they have spent the past 18 years, trying to pour their hearts out into the best version of themselves. And for that, I couldn't be more grateful.

To add on to that, going further from what I see in myself today, I see the influence that my parents have had on who I want to become everyday. And without the malintent in any way of separating the influence that my parents have had on me, when I see who I want to become in the future, I always picture my dad. I knew this about me for a while but very recently, I cemented this vision in my head due to a job interview. When the interviewee asked me about my goals in the next years of my life, I told him straight about my need to succeed in university, and stood silent afterwards thinking. After reflection, the only though that poured of my head was my desire to experience the most facets of life that I could to find what I loved. I told the interviewee in that moment that I wanted to become by dad. I wanted to learn so much about so many different things that a certain point, I could become as motivated and as dedicated as I have seen my father be throughout my life to find what made him happy.

I know that the idea of having an "idol" or a "hero" these days is pretty debated. For some, the perspective of seeing themselves evolve as people is enough to motivate their intentions to become their own hero. For me though, it's clear that my dad has become my idol. I stress and have worries almost everyday because I am scared that I won't be able to find what keeps me as motivated as I've seen my dad, and in many ways, that in itself motivates me in return. I know this whole idol thing sounds so cheesy, but the point that I am trying to make here is that my definition of what I want to see myself as in the future isn't rooted in space. From constantly pushing me to explore and learn the seemingly most random things to fix in a house, to pushing my love for technology and just understanding how the things around us work, to harnessing the toughest and most stressful parts of life to fuel my ambitions to be better, to so many more traits of character, I see my dad as my idol because I see what I aspire to become. And if idolizing the person that I deem most successful in my life seems weird to you, then shit I've been doing this whole life thing way wrong for too long it seems. Regardless, you know I can't thank you enough dad.

In conclusion, once more, I know this whole blabber has been pretty tough to follow. I just really wanted to explain vaguely what I believed was what made us, us. I've gone through this and shown that who I have become is what I think most linked to the best upbringing I could have hoped for from my parents, but for anyone reading, Your story doesn't have to be the same as mine. The moral barometer that we develop in ourselves can come from anyone, like mentors, friends, colleagues, and more, yet the evolution of the values and characteristics about ourselves that we adopt and hold the most dear, truly define who we are. So in all, I urge our introspective minds to think more about what we think about ourselves and why we think the way we do. You might discover a little bit more about what makes you, you.

Blog piece: https://markmanson.net/how-to-grow-up

[lefishe]

Let's talk a little about depression

Before I start, I want to make something very clear. Depression is real. Sometimes it's inherent or within you, and sometimes, you create it's negative effects for yourself. No matter the situation though, the feelings that have affected me throughout my time with depression I cannot classify as "normal behavior". So in actuality, depression weather strong or barely noticeable affects us all throughout our lives. We tend to associate our negative times with feelings of depression and rightfully think of ourselves in this state.

See although some of the negative phases throughout our lives are affected by our own motivations or behaviors, the appearance of natural depressive tendencies within our own souls is a great factor in affecting these down periods. Although this sounds pretty convoluted, what I am trying to explain is that sometimes natural depressive feelings can intercept with our own laziness or negative traits to create greater downward spikes in our mood.

The greatest appearance of this trend that I've noticed throughout my life so far has been through my first term of university. Realizing quickly that my courses in engineering we really "boring" I started to give up and lose motivation. Thus, I started a down period that lasted until this term was finished. In reality, two things happened in this down period. My own act of "giving up" in my courses and losing motivation to complete my simple job of just being a decent student was one side of this slump. But see, this was also accompanied by perfectly timed depressive thoughts, that in turn, only increased my chances of staying trapped in my slump no matter my efforts to rise up.

With this simple recollection of the events of last term, anyone could state that my mere laziness was at fault during this time, and nothing else. But here's the thing, I wanted to prove myself wrong. Although I knew that a major part of my behavior was due to my incredibly negative traits as a nonproductive person, I fell on a mission to determine the behavior that seemed unnatural at this time.

During a few days of last term, I started writing down in a notebook "What's depression". I will transcribe the short notes I wrote here because I think it's important to share what I felt in that moment. And, although some of these messages are dark and very real, it is noticeable that some of the notes have a sweet comical side to them, a personal trait that I don't think will ever escape me, even in my toughest moments. So, without any more hesitation, here they are:

What's Depression?

-It's skipping songs through your shuffle because it sounds too joyful. Nothing too sad, but nothing too happy either.

-Its waking up at 8 am like you should, but staying in bed until the sun sets.

-It's waking up in your room, eating once a day because the motivation to move your ass just to eat isn't even there.

-It's looking around you in the cafeteria, making sure there isn't anyone you know around. Having any sort of interaction would destroy you.

-It's staying up as late as possible because you know you won't get up the next day. Sometimes it's forcing yourself not to sleep at all.

-It's trying to see someone only to be rejected. Really the other person's just a normal person with a busy schedule. But you'll see it as rejection. Get ready for that to hurt.

-It's giving up on what you know you need.

-t's being used to being labelled. Welcome to your new job, "The depressed one". Everyone seems to be aware. Everyone seems to understand what you feel. They say "damn i feel like dying too" or "I'm depressed too!". Don't believe them. They don;t know what you're feeling.

-It's living in phases. You've got sides now. 2,3,6, whatever it is, get used to to shifting your mood depending on what your soul wants.

-It's living with triggers. Those aforementioned phases, well, they can only be activated independently by something.

-It's about lying. It's about lying about how you feel, how you're living, your lifestyle, anything really to avoid discussion.

-It's about being asked "how are you" and focusing cavalierly on the other person by saying "i'm ok, you?". People love talking about themselves.

-It's feeling like you can fault your mistakes on your "depression", knowing gracefully that it really is just your fault.

-It's being rejected and feeling like it was your fault all along. You can't see that other have faults. It's your doing clearly.

-It's the true cause of consumerism. That rush of unboxing a new purchase, that's a short lived ecstasy in a sea of sorrows. You spend too much, your "friends" tell you. Wish they knew why?

-It's somehow a beacon to find others that might be the same as you. There's those that think they know, and there's the ones. Maybe they're out of it? You can't stop being happy for them. How did they get out?

-It's getting used to saying yes, ok, sure.

-It's quickly about dismissing any slight victory as a fad. To you, it doesn't matter that you made progress, only an end goal can satisfy you. It won't last long though, so enjoy that rapid high and move on.

-It's finally being told that you are depressed. Maybe you see it as a valid excuse now.

-It's sitting alone. Always. Ok, 99% of the time.

-It's feeling unsatisfied even after you solve a craving. Everyone has cravings. Yet you feel worthless afterwards.

-It's running out of ways to fake your mood. People don't seem to like the real you. They don't like your depressed side.

-It's realizing that your true friends, the true people ready for you are those that can and will accept you in whichever mood.

-It's not wanting to cling to hardly to someone. You become self-conscious about every little thing. All of it bothers you.

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Although reading most of these points may seem extremely vague, to me, they spark very specific moments where I knew I wasn't totally in control of how I felt. I learned that the true nature of depression is a force that adds on, and that doesn't allow you full control of your emotions and your responses to occasions and situations. Although I want to elaborate on some specific points in this list at some point, I did write that this was a little bit on depression so chop chop were done here.

Past the jokes, I hope that with these vague statements, some people in my situation can see themselves with their own experiences. I know that my mood can only get better, and I am working harder than ever to make that a reality. I will come back to the point of depression in the future, so expect that.

[lefishe]

"Re-post": The mask of masculinity

Another of these entries sharing my work from my philosophy class, I truly put it on the line sharing so much personal feelings in this one. The response was to the documentary titled "The mask you live in" on Netflix, exploring the difficulties of conforming to societies views of masculinity. I give my personal experiences and challenges with this issue in this text so that hopefully some can connect a little, if at all.

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In a time period where feminist and women’s rights movements are on rampage throughout the news and media, a lot of core issues are ignored. When people speak of political and economical issues surrounding the role of women in society and their place throughout history, most ignore other world issues. When people fight for the rights of women, they forget to fight for the rights of natives, the black community, and so many more groups that would take much time to list. From all of these issues, we forget to fight for the right of our planet to live in a healthy manner, and in some ways ignore that if we do not take care of our planet first, there will be no medium left to help us fight for the rights of individual groups. From all of the groups above, the unmentioned group that affects myself as an individual the most is the lack of attention that society pays to men’s well being and nurture. From a revealing Netflix documentary, I have now realised that as a man, I have been raised in the wrong circumstance and have been affected by society in many ways that I did not realise.

It has always been known throughout all societies and communities that men who are mentally strong, silent, and non-emotional are seen to be the most “manlike”. This term “manlike” is the clearest definition of the difficulties that men face in todays society. As we implement this cemented view of what a man should and shouldn’t be, then our world becomes less and less relative. Today, men are still fearful of coming out of this bubble of hope of what they aspire to be, but are restricted by the norms and by the expectations of society. The culture of strong and dominant heroes, actors, and high class men has influenced all of us, as it has influence our parents. This lack of openness in men is a direct link to education in many ways. As young men are taught by school and by our traditional fathers that being a man means that one cannot cry and that one cannot express emotions, we are left to hide in our bubbles. We are kept to be silent because society expects that from us, but also because we know that rejection is the only consequence when getting involved in emotions or a morally right action.

This group mentality that surrounds men is also a great influence to the entrapment of men. In all groups, ranks are earned for being the best “bro” and doing everything that the image of a “real man” would do: disrespecting women, society, and themselves. In a group of men, respect is the only reward for staying quiet. To prove one’s masculinity, one must do whatever it takes to show to their “friends” that they are this societal misconception of what a man should be. A man must avoid humiliation at any cost because violence, alcohol and drugs are the real indications of respect and of manliness. Like one of the father’s men said “Why wouldn’t you want to be what you really are.” Why wouldn’t a man want to become what other men are, what society says that men are, and become the true image of what their father and themselves expect of their body and actions? When one becomes stuck in the vision and imagery of what a man should become, a man and person becomes incomplete and lost. To be a man means to be a person, and to be a person, one must be able to love, be loved and show emotion. This defines a real man.

I feel personally compelled to speak of this issue because I have never really thought about the real constraints that hold back my being. For all men, this movie is meant to show that we should be given the chance to grief, cry and show emotions because this is what a real person does. It is time for men to “rise to the better angels of their being.” In the class reaction to this movie, a certain female student remarked and said that she has never noticed this constraint that men must live with because she lives with male friends that are fine with being sensitive and emotional. In many ways, I have felt compelled to show personal experiences of this restriction because as a woman, one cannot understand what pressure is really exerted on men, as would be if I tried to understand a women’s societal influence on her own decisions. Although this particular student’s friends may be sensitive and emotional (I can relate to this because I am one of her friends), the men still live under the influence that maybe the way they portray themselves as a man isolates them from society as they are not reflecting what is “meant” to be manlike.

Every time I see my family, there is always a sort of remark that one of my family members says that connects to this idea of masculinity. “Look at him he’s getting so big and strong” one can see as they grab my shoulders and shake me around. In all these situations, I never realized why this action was always so uncomfortable for me. Since viewing the movie, I have realized that I felt uncomfortable when people thought that I looked “strong” because I never see myself in this fashion. I have subconsciously adapted to the image of what man should be in our day and age, and I have agreed with myself that my body type does not follow the description of a ripped, strong man. For all the wrong reasons, media has shown me that to be popular and worthy of being a man, one must be strong, fit and withhold a certain body type. In all ways, this claim is ridiculous. As our fellow student said in class, like her friends that accept that they are sensitive and emotional, I accept that I have a weaker body type, but his masculinity concept has still affected me subconsciously.

In my life, I live with the friends that accept me as I am. Although I may not conform to the norm of what a man is supposed to represent, I have found friends that hold the same values as I and I love them for this main reason. I have always understood that who I am is who I will always hold to be and that my connections will reflect my own interests. Another important issue that the movie reflected connects to this idea of relationships between men. As all men should act like people and not an image of who they should be, people require intimate relationships to survive. So many men live under pressure of silence without the objective of sharing their feelings. For this reason, many men live under isolation because they cannot find someone to share their thoughts with, without losing their respected “rank” and masculinity. The main problem with these relationships is that any intimate relationship between is immediately seen as gay or non manlike. I had never seen this view before, although it is something that I struggle with almost everyday.

I myself struggle with this idea because I hold a very close relationship with my best friend. We have learnt to live with each other throughout our hardships and although we are completely different individuals we hold on to each other because we require a person to share our thoughts with. I love my best friend to the greatest extent of my heart because I know that I can share whatever I want with this individual that is incredibly crucial to my life. Although we share a nearly unbreakable relationship, many try to pass this trend as an oddity in our society as we are seen to be to close. I have felt the need to hide names throughout these stories because I understand that discretion is important but the main issue that I deal with in my relationship with my best friend is that we are judged for our intimacy by our other close friends. This is heart breaking in many ways because as a man in a society that tries to constantly conform, I have felt the need to always have a best friend. Is the fact that I have decided to have an intimate relationship with another man really hindering the views that people have on me? The most depressing problem with this relationship is that even if told, my other friends still hold this intimacy as a joke and as a matter to laugh at. They idealise the idea that we would be the perfect gay couple. Against them, I personally argue by saying that once they have met someone who they hold so dearly to their heart, they should try taking the abuse that is dished out on me and my friend in the same way that we receive it. If life is really about equality, why is it that an intimate relationship between men is judged by those near. In many ways, this returns to the flawed expectations of a stone and hard cold man that encloses himself from emotions. I have broken free from this shell throughout my life, but society and my friends still remind me that I should return to the norm.

The final thought that occurred to me throughout the watching of this documentary was the idea of my own expectations and how others judge me. I have always been aware of divisions in all groups of people. At school, there is always the sense of the group of Asians, of hockey players, of the “cool” people, and of my own weird mix of friends. Everyone is capable of distinguishing this fact because it holds true in all groups of society. The biggest issue that I hold with this separation is the view of men and my own view in these groups. It is clear to me that all men that reside in the cool group are normally those who have conformed to the ideal standard of a man in society. This is why they hold themselves with others that do the same. In many ways, I have observed that this group holds itself together for the pure fact that they are constantly trying to adapt to be the best versions of what society expects from them. For myself, I am completely opposite to this idea, and I have always been opposed to this feeling of conforming to the people around me. The biggest fear that I hold in this separation of groups is that I am unable to communicate and connect with those that see themselves in an idealized way because I feel that I am always judged by them. I always feel that the reason I cannot see myself in the “cool” group is because they would reject me for my individuality and my freedom of choice. I have chosen to believe that I will never be this idea of a masculine man and I fear that I am always judged for this thought. I have no real way of knowing that people are judging or seeing me in a different way, but I will assume that they are because society and myself have taught me that I am different and less masculine and thus I fear this judging cool class and what they think of me. This entrapment that I feel I hope isn’t felt by others because as a man, this constant thought that I am being judged haunts me. As I see other people that I don’t hang out with pass in the hallway laughing a bit, my mind always believes that they are laughing of me. This is the life that a man like I has lived with for 17 years. And in many ways, for other men like I, this fear of judgement of masculinity will resonate throughout my life.

In conclusion, although my thoughts on the documentary are convoluted, they all share many common traits. As a man, I have learnt through personal connections that society is really focused on the wrong issues. As men, our true resonating issues are never faced, and this documentary is meant to shed light on an issue that is rarely brought up. To be a man in today's world, one must be able to live like a person and liberate themselves from the shackles of the ideas of what a man should be. For all men who feel lost as they try to discover themselves, remember that “You’re to smart to act like you’re not.”