leefallengay

[leefallengay]

oh how rude of me, to bring my thoughts in your bedrooms

TW: depictions of an autistic meltdown

TLDR: Karl has a meltdown, and his boyfriends are there to comfort him through it :)

(title from "song for a guilty sadist" by crywank)

Karl walked through the doorway to the homey apartment, heart pulsing in his chest, sight blurry, and hands shaking. He could hear the electricity, the tapping of keys, the hum of the aircon, the faint music from down the hall, and the quiet chatter from the TV. He felt like he could hear everything. It all felt like too much, but he needed to keep himself together, as having another meltdown would be embarrassing. He was supposed to be normal, or rather he needed to be. How else could he be there for his boyfriends? For Sapnap and Quackity who gave everything they could for him? Letting himself go would be selfish, and another burden on their shoulders. So he squared himself up, tossed his bag and shoes next to the doorway, and darted for the bathroom.

He kept the lights off, and took deep, long breaths to try and keep himself at bay. All he has to do is say hello to his husbands, and then lock himself back into the bathroom, he’ll be fine. He reached into the sink, turning on the faucet and splashing the cold water onto his face, hoping it would help. But unfortunately for him, it did the exact opposite. He felt the wetness seep into his pores, and it made his face feel heavy and soggy. 

Tears brimmed his eyes as his fists clenched and unclenched. It took everything in him to not scratch his skin off to get rid of the awful feeling. Instead, he grabbed a nearby towel, rubbing his face into the fabric. But even that felt offensive against his skin, and he let out a shallow sob.

He frantically wiped his eyes, breathing deeply, before darting out of the bathroom. I need to get this over with, he thought, sauntering over to one of the rooms down the hall from the restroom, quietly knocking on the door. 

“Come in!” one of the two replied.

Karl cracked the door open, peeking inside, before being bombarded by the sound of the music, loud and heavy in the air. He had to resist the urge to cover his ears and scream for it to stop. It all felt like too much, his ears were starting to hurt from the stimulation. He felt the tears well up again, the frog in his throat clawing at him to be released.

Karl opened his mouth to say something, anything, but nothing came out. His throat felt clenched, and he reached a hand up to scratch at it.

At that motion, Quackity raised his eyebrows, sitting up, “Karl? Babe, what's wrong?”

Upon not receiving much response other than Karl’s piercing stare, he shoved Sapnap for help, not really understanding what was wrong with the brunette.

Sapnap gave him a what the fuck? Look, before Quackity pointed at Karl.

“Oh, oh, oh.” It didn’t even take him another second before he got up, slinking over to Karl with as much gentleness as he could muster. 

He reached out to grab him, but as soon as he made contact, Karl let out a loud sob, recoiling in onto himself. He grumbled under his shallow breaths, and his whole body was shaking.

Sapnap looked to Quackity, his eyes wide and fearful. They didn’t fully understand what was happening, and were unsure of what to do. 

“Karl, what can we do for you right now, hun? We can’t help if you don’t tell us.” Quackity whispered to him, laying a hand on his quivering shoulder.

Karl’s eyes were looking at the floor, and his hands were clenched so tight his knuckles had turned white. He reached them up, and made a grabbing motion. When the two didn’t respond, he took his hands, and squished them together. They looked at each other, then back at karl. “You want to be held?” Sapnap cautiously asked. Karl shook his head slightly, repeating the same motions. “So you don’t want to be held?” Karl shook his head harder, pointing at them, then at himself, and then doing repeating the movements again.

“Do you want to be squished?” Quackity asked. He had remembered Karl mentioning something about enjoying the feeling of someone putting immense amounts of pressure on him (or being squashed like a bug as he described it), and was hoping maybe that was the answer to this game of charades.

Karl shook his head up and down, tears finally spilling out of his tired eyes.

“Oh, baby, come here.” Q gently led them over to the bed, before positioning Karl into his arms, and signaling Sap to do the same.

After Karl had been safely sandwiched between them, he had reached his hands up to cover his ears.

Sapnap took the hint and shut off the blaring music, opting for the humming silence of the room.

Karl sobbed loudly, curling more in on himself. Q tightened his arms around him, squeezing him gently. At that action, Karl almost immediately calmed down, his body loosening and his cries quieting themselves (Q compared it to when you give a baby a pacifier, it was that instantaneous). 

Sap and Q looked at each other incredulously, before deciding to close in on Karl again.

His breathing evened out, and the boys took their opportunity to investigate.

“Karl, babe? Are you alright?” Q asked carefully, brushing a hand over his face.

Karl gently shook his head no, squeezing his eyes closed. Looking at everything was too much, the colors felt like lasers burning into him. 

“Can you talk, baby boy?” He shook his head lightly, he felt like if he had to hear his own voice, he would explode.

“Can you try?” Sap piped up, only to receive a smack from Quackity and a glare.

“I… I… loud, hurt.” Karl whimpered, his hands coming up to cover his ears once again.

Quackity gently removed one, and whispered “Hey, it’s alright. Are you overwhelmed right now? Is this a meltdown like the ones you were telling us about?” Karl frantically shook his head up and down at that, tears dripping out again. Sap made a small o-shape with his mouth, locking eyes with Quackity in mutual surprise. 

“That’s okay, sweetheart. We can stay like this as long as you need, okay?” Sapnap mumbled affectionately, curling around the whimpering brunette once again.

Quackity leaned down and gave Karl small kisses on his face, brushing his fingers through his hair gently.

After just a few minutes of this, the tall boy’s breathing had evened out, and his body was relaxed and still. No more fidgeting or scratching or shaking. He had finally calmed down, and unfurled himself from his ball, reaching out to hold his boys closer.

[leefallengay]

if I were you, I'd be throwing up

TW: depictions of gender dysphoria

TLDR: Quackity has a rough day at work.

(title from "If I were you, I'd be throwing up" by crywank)

It had been a long day.

An extremely long one.

Quackity had been at work since 5 A.M., and was exhausted. All morning he had been called “ma’am”, “miss”, and “young lady.” All he wanted was to rip off his binder, take a scalding hot shower, put on one of his boyfriends shirts, and crawl back into bed with them.

He sauntered through the dimly lit halls, closing himself into the bathroom. He quietly flicked on the light, removing his clothing as he made his way over to the shower. 

He did his absolute best to stay focused, to not indulge. But the flash of color in the mirror to his left caught his attention.

He glanced over, eyeing over his figure, He was slim, but still had meat on his bones. He had prominent collar bones and wide shoulders. But what really caught his eyes were the mounds of fat hung off his chest. His wide hips, the thin waist, the rounded shape of his face, his almost too long hair that he’d been too lazy to cut. The way his groin was completely flat, the way his thighs were far too big, the way stretch marks adorned the inner sides of them. All of it was not what he wanted it to be. 

Too feminine. Too womanly.

Don’t even get him started on his voice or mannerisms.

It’s no wonder he got misgendered at work all the time. He’d think that same thing if he didn’t already know himself.

He tore his eyes away from the offensive imagery, option to look back at the shower. He bit his lip harshly at the thought of having to continue being without his clothes for the next while. The thought of his body just being out there made him sick.

Begrudgingly, he climbed into the shower anyway. He didn’t take his time. He scrubbed rough and ruthlessly, rinsing off with water that was too hot to be good for his delicate skin. He ripped through his routine with haste, climbing out and drying off as quickly as his stiff and tired body would allow.

As he looked around, he realized he hadn’t thought to bring any clothes into the bathroom with him. Which means he’d have to walk out in just his towel.

The thought made his eyes water, his face scrunch, and his shoulders close in on him.

He took a deep, steadying breathe, and decided that he just needed to get this the fuck over with.

He whipped open the bathroom door with as much speed and stealth as he could muster, before stalking over to the shared bedroom where he was sure his boyfriends were sleeping. He paused in front of the door, looking down to make sure that the towel covered his entire body. He had it wrapped around himself almost like a blanket, covering all the areas he deems unworthy of being seen or perceived.

With one final once over, he slowly and cautiously inched the door open, tiptoeing over to their large closet, He grabbed down a black t-shirt with some emo band on it that Sapnap would rave about every once in a while, and a pair of boxers that comfortably hugged his frame, but not too tight to be overbearing. He also grabbed his back up binder- the one he saved for really dysphoric days.

After he’d grabbed what he backed out of the small room, and gently closed the door. He scurried back to the bathroom to reassemble himself, not even sparing a glance at his boyfriends. 

He hurriedly pulled on his binder, throwing on the shirt over it. He relished in the way his chest flattened out, in the familiar pressure that provided him endless amounts of euphoria.

What he didn’t like though, was the aching, stabbing pain that accompanied it. But this was what he had to do if he wanted to be a real man, if he wanted to be seen as what he wished he was.

He trudged back over to the bedroom, carefully surveying the scene in front of him.

It was only around 11 A.M., so his boys were still fast asleep. They were curled up around each other, Sapnap’s mouth was open slightly, small huffs of air being pulled in and out of it. Karl’s eyes were barely open, peeking over at the ravenette with a small smile.

“Hey pretty boy. Want to join us?” Karl whispered sleepily, moving over to the side a bit to make room for him in between himself and Sap.

Quackity smiled, his heart fluttering with adoration. 

He climbed his way in between the two, and despite his best efforts to move slowly, Subpoena still stirred. “Mmmh? Q, that you?” He grumbled, his tired eyes fluttering for a second before resting on his lover’s. “Hi sweetheart. How’s work?”

Quackity smiled at him, laying down and pulling the two closer to him. “It was work,” he mumbled. “Nothing new, haha.”

Karl leaned over Quackity, looking at him thoughtfully.

“What’s wrong, bub?” He whispered, cupping his face gently.

Quackity stared up at Karl, blinking at him warily. 

“What do you mean? I’m fine.” He stated matter of factly, glancing over at Sapnap for some backup. But he only stared back with the same knowing look Karl was giving him.

Quackity looked back at the brunette above him, feeling as his hand trailed down his face, touching his neck, before brushing just under the collar of his shirt. He knew that Karl had felt his binder. He knew that they noticed it. He knew that they probably would before he even had the chance to settle in.

He instinctively recoiled, blinking his eyes rapidly to clear his blotchy vision. Karl’s stare softened, and both his hands came back to hold his face. His thumbs rubbed across his cheekbones, the feeling of wetness being smeared surprising him. He hadn’t even realized he’d started crying.

“Q, it’s okay to tell us when you’re having a bad day.” Karl whispered lovingly, his thumbs still running gently across his face.

Sapnap came into his view, “Yeah, we want to be here babe. All you have to do is say the word and we’ll do it, you know that.” He whispered, his tone filled with concern.

At that, Quackity let out a whimper, his eyes clenching close as he hunched in on himself again.

“But I’m fine! Literally nothing even happened today-”

Karl abruptly cut him off, his eyebrows furrowing. “Hun, if that were true, you would be wearing this,” he looked down at his chest emphatically, hinting at his way too tight binder. 

“And you know that it isn’t healthy, especially after you worked a six hour shift with it on.” Sapnap piped up, running a hand through his hair gently. 

Quackity looked between the two, at a loss for words. He was scared and tired and in pain. He didn’t know what to do.

Sapnap sighed, sitting up from where he was originally laying. “How about this; we take off the binder, and then you can be in the middle while me and Karl sandwich you. We can even kiss a little,” he winked.

Quackity gave a small smile in response, nodding his head.

“Good. Now come here sugar.” Karl gave a wide grin, yanking Quackity into his arms. He leaned over, beginning to plant copious amounts of kisses all over his face.

Sapnap joined in, kissing on his neck and shoulders. He then lightly shoved Karl off the giggling boy, aiding him in taking his shirt off.

“Is this okay, handsome?” Sapnap purred playfully, tracing his fingers along the edge of his binder.

Quackity glanced between the two, drawing his lip in between his teeth. “But, then I won’t look like a boy anymore.”

“Oh bub, is that’s what’s bothering you?” Sapnap said sympathetically. “You could have just said that, you dork.” He smiled, planting a kiss on his forehead.

“Yeah, pretty boy. How could we ever see you as anything else? I mean, look at your big, masculine shoulders! Your strong jaw, your manly eyes, the way your mullet makes you look so boyish.” Karl giggled, running his hands all over him to emphasize his point.

“We could never see you as anything less. You’re our boy. Our sweet, manly, goofy boyfriend.” Sapnap leaned in and gently kissed him on his lips. Karl leaned in to plant more kisses along his jawline.

“Really? Because I sound so girly and my hips and waist scream ‘woman’ and everyone who doesn’t know me just thinks I’m a girl and-”

Karl cut him off with another kiss to his lips, effectively silencing him. “Shh, love. Those are people who don’t matter. What matters is how you see yourself, and those you care about see you. Don’t worry about some stranger you’ll never see again.” He smiled, running a soothing hand through his hair once again.

“I… I guess you’re right. But just go slow, okay?” He whispered, nervousness seeping through him.

Sapnap nodded, carefully tucking his fingers under the band around his ribs. He gave it a gentle tug, while Karl guided his arms up. He pulled the tight fabric up from around his torso, over his arms and shoulders, before tossing it onto the floor. He grinned at Quackity.

They absolutely loved how Q looked. Loved his curves, the marks, the way he got anxious at the idea of being vulnerable but trusted them with these kinds of things anyway. 

Sapnap leaned down, trailing kisses over his collar bone. “Is this okay, duckling?” he whispered, getting a curt nod in response. He trailed his kisses down, showering his supposedly ‘unworthy; and ‘feminine’ body with adoration and affection. Karl followed suite, continuing his kissing on Quackity’s face.

“We love you, pretty boy” Karl mumbled in between kisses. “So much.”

“So,” kiss, “so,” kiss, “very,” kiss, “much.” Sapnap let out a hearty laugh, curling himself into the boy comfortingly. 

“I love you guys, too.” Quackity beamed, eyes falling shut in contentment.

[leefallengay]

Hey yall

i am an active writer on AO3, and i just wanted to crosspost/advertise those oneshots here :) my AO3 is under the same user :D