lecrepusculebrise-blog
I have a dream of being whole
A small-town girl looking for a place to put down her thoughts without announcing them to those around her.
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So not only did I not see you Sunday because you decided to cancel last minute, but you apparently went and saw Dark Knight Rises on Saturday and you didn't think to invite me, or even text me and let me know plans had changed.
Then you were all distant for most of the night on Monday and you haven't been texting me at all.
This Friday had better be different, because if I'm going to put in time giving a damn about you that isn't just meant as friends, you sure as hell had better stop disrespecting my time and show me that you actually do want to try.
Because, right now, if I were an outsider looking in, I'd be telling myself to run, because you aren't into me the way I'm into you.
I'm so unimpressed by your behaviour right now that I've called you selfish bastard when talking about you. And when I mentioned that you were an only child, the other person groaned and understood immediately what I was saying.
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So call me crazy, but if you ask me to respect your privacy and not post stuff on facebook, then I think it's fair to expect you to treat my time with respect. So you telling me to keep my Saturday potentially open and then not texting me about any plans today, yesterday, or Thursday doesn't put you in my good books.
Not impressed. Seriously, does it take THAT long to send a quick text saying that something came up and you'll see me Sunday?
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So the guy I dated/still like came over with some of my other friends this past weekend and things were good and we weren't awkward, which was nice.
And later Saturday night, after we hopped the fence of my backyard and were at the school track (because that is what is on the other side of the fence), he let me have a piggyback and told me I weighed nothing, and tried to get me to stop cartwheeling because I could hurt my toe more.
And when we all went to bed in the tents, he and I were going to share an air mattress and I thought I was going to be in my sleeping bag, but as I was lying facing him, he sat up slightly and kissed me on the forehead and I kissed him back on the hand and then he pulled me to him so that I was using him as a pillow and we were cuddling. And he had his sleeping bag more or less completely unzipped, so when I got a little cold 'cause I had been laying on top of my sleeping bag and then his, he let me share his sleeping bag. And when one of our friends reached over from the other air mattress and patted the bed and said that they could fit a third person on it, he informed our friend that was because we were kinda sharing a space.
And while we were sleeping (well, while he was sleeping and I would wake up, switch positions, and then go back to sleep), he would keep me close to him and it made me feel really good and WANTED.
However, I haven't heard from him in a couple days, not that that is weird now or anything, but a part of me wants to text him and ask him if he wants to go out dancing or something Saturday, but I'm afraid he'll either say no, or he'll say yes and then spend the time looking for girls to dance with, which will break me a little. Because I still like him. And I want to be the one he dances with and kisses and goes to sleep with. And I don't know what to do.
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So really not sure what to think right now. He's texting me again. And he's coming over tomorrow with some of my other friends and he asked if i thought it would be weird between us and if it would be possible to get some privacy because he has something to say to me.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK!
Does he want to completely finish the relationship, or does he want to try again? I have honestly no idea and am kinda freaked out by it. But oh well, I'll just play it as it goes, like always with him.
He needs a manual.
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Doesn't mean I don't miss being the relationship with him for the good things.
Liking kissing and having him not mind if I touch him for more than a second. Having him WANT to touch me and have his arms around me.
And it doesn't help the fact the fact that I couldn't tell if he was flirting or not with some other girls at the friend's birthday party that we both attended. Because it hurts if he's already moving on, like I was nothing.
But I guess, in a way, I am. I mean, yeah, we lasted more than two weeks, but only the first two weeks or so was actually enjoyable and I didn't spend them worrying every hour or so.
And the second date will always be my favourite. Because he taught me to kiss and oh mama, he turned me on that night, but what I liked even more was the fact I learned fast enough to turn him on as well and the fact that when I tried to dominate a little, his alpha side definitely came out and he held me down. And I liked it when his alpha side came out.
So I miss this stuff. I also miss laughing and talking and having him not being so distant with me.
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It was great to see you this evening, even if you didn't really talk to me and I probably made a fool out of myself while in the pool.
I understand if you want to take things slow. To the point that you don't text me for three days.
But why, oh why, must you ask Lizzie* to be your plus one to your cousin's wedding when I'm standing right there? I know you and Lizzie are close friends and that she is possibly in love with her boyfriend and that for all intents and purposes, it seems as though you and her are just friends. But wouldn't you normally take the girl you're dating to be your plus one? And it hurts all the more that she is my friend too.
And thanks for inviting me to go dancing this past weekend. Not like I sat at home and did nothing. And for taking my friends to go dancing, but not me. When did I start being the outsider?
You have no idea how deeply you've hurt me by excluding me from another part of your life in front of my face. I don't care about the dancing, but asking Lizzie to go with you, when I was right there? Not cool. Doesn't matter that I can't go with, you didn't ask to find out!
If this is you trying, I think I'm done. In fact, until you man up and ask me out on a date again, in my mind, we are over. It's simpler this way: to believe that I somehow fucked up again in my love life and that you don't care for me anymore is a lot less hurtful than to keep hoping.
Thank you for the dates. They were so much fun. And I learned a lot about myself. And about how relationships work, a little. And thank you for showing me that a guy I like can find me attractive and ask me out and then actually take me out for a date.
I wish you the best of luck in your future relationships. (And just so you know, a small part of me will always be hoping you'll text me and say, hey, are you free such-and-such a night and would you like to go out with me.)
*Lizzie is a pseudonym and not my friend's actual name.
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You know that expression, those who can't do, teach?
Well maybe it's also those who can't do, write.
I can write about relationships that work, despite problems. Because I can control the characters and the circumstances, and pretty much play God.
I suck in real life, apparently.
Sometimes I wish I could escape into books, permanently. And I know which ones I'd want to go into, too. The lives for those would be some exciting and delighting after my real life.
And while I know the lives are contrived and not real, they still sound better a lot of the time than my own. Especially if I could start to control the story once I got in.
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My mom tells me not to text him. It's been 48 hours. She says he's likely busy with the new truck, too busy to text and ask me how my day is or how I am.
I know in my head that this makes sense. When I get consumed in a TV show/book/ anything else that can get my attention, I stop paying attention. But those are short spurts of time.
He's too busy to text me on a break from work?
I just want an answer, one way or another, so I know if I should keep waiting or move on.
The other thing that has been plaguing my mind is that I told him I know what my physical boundaries are. And I do. For the most part. It's more how to explain some of them of which I'm unsure. And for that reason alone am I glad that he hasn't asked for another date yet.
But asking for another date and texting me to say hey are two very different things.
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I find most of my realizations are coming to me at night. I guess I've always preferred the night to the day in some ways. You can hide in the dark. There is a comfort in that.
But I find myself not wanting to hide so much as just draw comfort from a time when the world becomes a little quieter here.
I still have the dream of being whole. Of finding a love that time will be still for.
But maybe this time, it's not going to happen. And that's okay. Because the bed, in some ways, really is warmer when I sleep on my own.
So this isn't me giving up, it's me saying, "Come what may." I have survived life thus far and will continue to do so for as long as my body has breath. But I haven't only survived; I have lived. I lived many lives, ones that end in sorrow and ones that end in happiness. And some that don't have endings, not yet. I have been a wizard who had a lightning bolt-scar on his forehead and lived under the stairs of his aunt and uncle's. I have lived the life of a teenage girl who lived on a farm dedicated to helping horses heal.
More recently, I have lived as a teenage spy and as a teenage thief. I have been the Scarlet Pimpernel and Jane Eyre.
And I have been me. A young woman who goes to university, dreams of living in Europe and being a ballerina, and reads because she loves the worlds she enters and the lives she lives.
But more so, she is slowly creating other lives, ones that exist in her imagination and will soon begin to exist on white paper and in black ink.
You are not my main priority. You might become my main priority at points during the day if you try, but you will not, for I will not allow you to, consume my life. It is mine. And I will survive and live it as best I can.
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Because if I'm not, then I'm wasting mine wondering over you. You have hurt me more deeply than I want to tell you, you have made me doubt myself so many times, and I didn't think this is what dating someone is supposed to be like.
I thought dating someone was supposed to be laughing and smiling and daydreaming about the next date and figuring out what to wear to knock your socks off. I didn't think I was supposed to be over-analyzing every little thing I say/text to make sure I haven't offended you or waiting for hours for texts that aren't going to come, apparently. Or slowly losing my self-respect because I can't make a decision as to whether or not I should move on, because a part of me wants to say screw you, you aren't worth my time if you aren't going to pay attention to me. But the other half of me is hoping that you'll come around, that this is some crazy test you've concocted to test my resolve, and that if I pass it, you'll ask me out again.
But that second half is slowly fading and I'm seriously considering creating an ultimatum for myself. That, if by our friend's birthday party, you haven't asked me out again, which gives you a week, I'm either sitting you down and talking to you, or I'm moving on. I don't know which option yet, but the ultimatum is coming.
And, potentially, the end of this. Whatever this was.
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Now I know this is not the guide to dating, but in "He's Just Not That Into You," Alex tells Gigi that if a guy wants to be with a girl he will make it happen. If he isn't calling, it's because he doesn't want to.
So now I can't help wondering if this is the case. We went from texting a lot in the first week to silence for over 10 hours, if not longer. And call me crazy, but last I checked, if you like someone, you want to see them. So, oh, I don't know, ask me out on a date.
If you're just not that into me, please tell me so I can move on and find somebody who is.
Because it's starting to hurt that you aren't bothering to contact me and ask me how my day went, or that you'll text your friend, who you know is with me, but you won't bother to text me. And when my arms are crossed and I'm standing about 6 inches away from you, it's my "I feel awkward" body language, because you aren't trying to make conversation and make me feel at ease.
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