learningtotry

[learningtotry]

Thinking of you tonight. I’m not sure why or how you came to mind, but there you are. I know it’s been a while and you probably hate me. I get it, truly I do. I’ve spent many a night hating myself too. I wish you nothing but the best, that’s why I was always encouraging you to chase your dreams. I’m sorry for hurting you, I’m sorry for leaving. I’d love to talk sometime soon and catch up. Only if you want to talk to me, of course. If not, I’ll leave you be.

-P

[learningtotry]

I’m not sure I can love the way I have before: wholeheartedly and without refrain. I gave her every ounce of my love in that way; drained myself till I was empty. Love wasn’t what I received in return. I was countered with many other phrases.

“I FUCKING HATE YOU” screamed across the kitchen.

“WHY CAN’T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?” hurled as she ran out the door at 3am.

“Don’t ever talk to me again.” said with such disdain you could pluck it from the air.

How could this be the response? I’d given my heart and soul; not a fraction of either reserved for myself. Could I have miscalculated, misheard, misinterpreted? I must have, because this wasn’t who I’d dedicated myself to in the beginning.

With it being past, I won’t allow digression now. I will however discuss the lasting effects of which I still struggle with.

When someone important to me defers to make a choice on where to go or what to do and I’m left with making a decision, I can barely hold myself together. With her any choice I made was wrong; why will this be any different? Why can’t they just decide?

I’m nearly degraded into tears.

Every. Time.

How long will I be this way? Ineffective, useless, and inaccessible. I wish I knew.

[learningtotry]

Why do I have to feel this way

Why can’t I just feel okay?

The pain I feel is too deep

Enough that it takes me off my feet,

I don’t know what to do

It’s impossible for me to,

Breathe, think, feel

To tell apart the fake and the real.

I hate each moment that passes

More than the one before,

With each movement of the clock

The pain increases by scores,

But how can it get any worse?

Why can’t I find some relief?

It just keeps on growing

Until I’m stuck gritting my teeth,

And praying for help with this burden

Hoping some joy I can keep,

Keep my spirits high

Keep from doing the deed.

I just want it to end

I’d much rather fall,

On the ground I would land

Ending it all,

That would be it

The very last call.

I’m hurting so much

Every day it worsens,

It doesn’t make sense

Why I carry this burden,

I’d like to unload

To stop carrying so much,

But it’s my load to carry

No one else can touch,

So continue I must

Forward into the storm,

Maybe one day it’ll end

And I can feel warm.

[learningtotry]

Every day gets harder and harder. Harder to get out of bed in the morning, harder to get through a workday, and harder to look at myself in the mirror. Not for what I look like, but taking a deeper look at myself. I’m not who I was. I’ve changed a lot. I’m still not sure who I am now, but I know who I’m not. I keep searching deep down to find out who I’m supposed to be, but I come up with little to nothing. Who am I? What is my purpose? I haven’t felt a purpose in quite a while. Maybe I don’t have one. Maybe I’m not meant to. I don’t know anymore...

[learningtotry]

58 days.

58 days I made it this time. Without checking here to find you, your words, and your memories.

That’s the longest I’ve ever gone.

I don’t know what to do now, what to say, or how to feel. Do I feel proud of myself for making it so long? Do I feel ashamed for having given in? Or should I feel regret and pain for having put you off and pushed you away for so long? I pushed thoughts of you away when they arose for so long.

Why couldn’t I just read the writing on the walls?

Why couldn’t I realize it was you, it’s always been you, and that I was a fool for ever messing any of that up? For throwing it away...

I threw away the most amazing woman I had ever known or been with. I did it because I had issues with myself, my own image, and major issues with where I was in life. I couldn’t see that you were the best part of that life. You brightened my days, you made me laugh and smile, and you always made me feel better when I was down on myself.

I’ve got plenty more to say. More feelings I’ve held deep down for a long time that I need to address and apologize for. But I figure this is a start

I’m sorry S.

Yours always,

Blue

[learningtotry]

You are worthy. I’m the one who’s not. I’ve got a lot of issues. I saw a therapist earlier this week and had a session with her. She said she thinks I should distance myself and not try to be in any relationship until I can fix myself. She said I need to learn to make myself happy before I try to rely on someone else to be my happiness and cheer me up. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything to you first, that was a huge mistake on my part. I’m just trying to fix all my problems before I place them on you, or anyone else in my life for that matter. I’m sorry. I hope you can understand that I’m just trying to listen to my therapist and do what I need to to fix me first. I’m sorry

[learningtotry]

“Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.”

— Fred Rogers

[learningtotry]

Tuesday.

The place we first met and fell for each other.

Could you be there?

P.S.- maybe yours was more of a stumble than a fall😉

[learningtotry]

As I try to find myself and my purpose, I find myself feeling more worthless day by day. I’m left wondering:

Why am I here?

Should I be here?

Why don’t I just end it?

The only reasons I can come up with are R, L, and N. And I still find I’m trying to convince myself that those are good enough reasons.

I don’t want to be here anymore.

I don’t want to cry anymore.

I don’t want to eat.

I don’t want to breathe.

I don’t want to exist.

I’m just done.

[learningtotry]

I’m in tears. I don’t know what to say.

Thank you. Truly.

You were right, I needed to hear a lot of that. I thought about taking my life last night and this morning, so I wouldn’t have to deal with today or any other days anymore. You’ve made my day so much better. I don’t know how you still have such capacity to love, but I’m so thankful.

I don’t want to sever ties between us, I’m just still trying to figure myself out so I don’t become a burden for you to have to carry. I want to be strong on my own first, because I never want to drag you or someone else down. I hope you can understand and I hope that doesn’t cause you to lose faith in me.

Hopefully soon I can figure myself and all my problems out. And then I hope our paths can cross again. But if that becomes to distant a time for you, or too much to wait on, then I understand and truly wish nothing but the best for you.

[learningtotry]

I hope you enjoy your getaway. Just you for this one?

I’m in the car on the way to Missouri jamming to all of our music to keep me awake on this drive. Do you ever do this too or am I crazy?

[learningtotry]

Why are you driving to Missouri?

I’m in the car on the way to Missouri jamming to all of our music to keep me awake on this drive. Do you ever do this too or am I crazy?

[learningtotry]

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relaxbabygvrl.tumblr.com

[learningtotry]

It wasn’t about your appearance. Not for a single second. I’m sorry if I ever led you to believe that.

It was so much more than that. It was our connection on a much deeper level.

Like you’ve said before, a connection that feels like we’ve been lovers for a thousand lifetimes and will be for a thousand more.

It’s a connection so deep we don’t need words to communicate.

It’s knowing you so well you sometimes legitimately question if I have cameras that I can see you on 24/7.

It’s something so rare that after over a year apart and with very little communication, we’re still all each other can think about.

It’s so much more than your looks. I owe you an enormous apology that I ever made you think it was about your body. Please forgive me.

[learningtotry]

Not sure how to start today’s. So I’ll just write my thoughts. I hope that’s ok, and I hope I get everything out in a way that makes sense.

I have thought about you everyday and dreamt about you almost every night for the 3 weeks since I sent you those flowers. You fill my brain and I can’t seem to stop the thoughts or dreams of you. You know I don’t often actually have dreams, so you know how big of a deal that is. I’m sorry I ever tried to push you out of my head. I’m sorry I tried to push you away. I’m sorry I tried to forget. I don’t think I can, or will ever be able to. I’ve never felt this way about anybody and never had someone I couldn’t let go of before. I know now that that means something and we had/have something special. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserved it. I was so wrong to hurt you so bad. I don’t even have words to accurately tell you how sorry I am. I don’t know if you could ever forgive me, but I’m sorry.

[learningtotry]

I know this is old now, but I just assumed I knew Austin by Blake Shelton, but couldn’t remember it. I didn’t listen to it after you posted this, but I wish I had. The song came on leaving work a couple days ago and I’ve played it pretty constantly on repeat since then.

“The telephone fell to the counter

She heard but she couldn't believe

What kind of man would hang on that long

What kind of love that must be”

How could you hang on so long?

Why is your love that strong for me?

Do you still love me?

I’ve needed to ask you that since the first time the song played that day, but I hadn’t built up the courage until today. I’ve got a lot more to say and I’ll write it over the next few days, but for now I just need to ask those questions.

Blue eyes

I painted my lips tonight

Red like roses

Soft like them too.

I intended to go on a blind date, 

My friends often think they know what’s best for me, 

They are just as lost as I am. 

I did not show. Instead, I walked across the street to Stirr,

and I got a rooftop table, 

the one I really wanted but couldn’t get that first night. 

I drank, and as I drank, I noticed a man sitting not too far from me, 

smoking a cigar and reading a book 

and for a moment, my heart stopped. 

He was tall, built lean, and he had wavy brown hair. 

He looked just like you. 

And then I guess he saw me staring and suddenly the book left his hands 

and a smile graced his features, and his sunglasses came off. 

My heart sank. 

His eyes were blue. 

And the smile fell right off my face. 

Moment ruined, but I did say to him what I always told you, 

“smoking is bad for you, you know.”

and his reply wasn’t anything like yours was because you knew I only ever wanted to care for you. 

Instead, he smiled and said 

“Yeah, well, so is looking as good as you do alone.”

and so I finished my drinks in a hurry, disappointed, 

and I walked to my car, 

and I sat, 

and my red lipstick became a blur on my hands. 

Furiously wiping it on the back of them, 

as my tears blinded my vision. 

My heart has been beating so blandly, and the moment I thought I saw you, 

It lit up brighter than the skyline behind me.

I wanted so badly for his eyes to be brown. 

I needed those eyes to be brown. 

Blue eyes are nothing compared to yours. 

-Something I wrote on Saturday. Written while listening to Austin, by Blake Shelton-

PS: Graduation has a virtual live link, covid has made it very difficult to allow many people at all to come in person. I understand it’s not how I wanted it, but its okay. I’m not going anywhere though for a while, I’ll be here. The following weekend (21st) after graduation I’ll be home alone, besides one sister if she doesn’t leave which would surprise me if she didn’t. You know where to find me if you want to. -

[learningtotry]

If I gave you a time

And a place to be,

Would you go there

Just to see me?

Would you want to see my face,

And give me a smile?

If you give me a chance,

I’ll try to make it worthwhile.

I know I don’t deserve it

I shouldn’t get a chance,

I know seeing me

Probably wasn’t in your plans.

But there’s nobody else I know

Who could help me when times get tough,

Who would stand right beside me

And still tell me I’m enough.

I may not believe it

But it’ll be nice to hear,

The words roll off your tongue

Directly into my ears.

I’m sorry I hurt you

You never deserved it,

You’re so loving and nice

Beautiful and kind hearted

P.S. - I don’t write poetry anymore. Only when I’m thinking of you, or writing to you. Nobody inspires me, nobody makes me want to write, nobody fills my mind the way you do. Even when I’m not thinking of you, I feel you. I wasn’t even thinking of you a few days ago when I asked about the water. My mind was just suddenly filled with thoughts of a large waterfront, and I couldn’t shake or ignore them.