lazy-poems

[lazy-poems]

the past used to make me happy to an extent so I'd dwell there and even if it didn't making me happy, I thought if I kept thinking about it, I could discover something that would shed light to my life and make me happy.

then it just started to hurt all the time and now it just hurts so much i can't deal with it anymore.

[lazy-poems]

everyone told me i deserved the world

but i never believed them.

because who was i?

and why did i deserve it?

because to myself,

i was a failure.

so i threw it away in a second

despite the lifetime it took me to build it

until i finally became what i thought i was the whole time.

i thought so wrong. so so wrong.

[lazy-poems]

people spill their truth to me so easily, easier than pouring water into a glass. but for me to tell a close friend something that has been bothering me for 2.5 months feels like pulling teeth. i'v gotten my teeth pulled, i know how it feels.

there's this intense pressure you feel after you're numbed. after your tooth is out, your gums have literally been torn and you have to let it bleed into a cloth until your blood starts to clot and close the gap. that is what me opening up feels like, like blood soaking the cloth. but it doesn't hurt. opening up - it's uncomfortable, it's a nuisance, but necessary if you let it rot inside. everything prior, the aching, hurts more than the extraction process. but then there is a hole left. because i just lost a part of myself, but then again, i was losing it anyways and it was my fault to begin with.

[lazy-poems]

this blog that no one reads is my desire to connect

[lazy-poems]

i don't understand how people can cry so casually

i never know or when or why

these moments that happen very few and far between

where breathing might as well be suffocating

where i can't feel my face

where i am literally curled up into a ball trying to convince myself to breathe

my face is wet and i refuse to open my eyes to accept that i let myself feel all of it

i am just tugging at my hair hoping to pull answers out of my brain

and pulling myself closer together, trying to see how small i can become in hopes I could be so small that I could disappear

for those 2 minutes there is nothingness and nothing matter because everything matter too much

everything feels like it weighs 10 tons and i'm trying to pull my my body from up under it

it hits in tidal waves pulling me back into the ocean while my brain is trying to climb back to shore

but it's like a tsunami and it won't stop

my heart thinks if i just break the wall at least for these few moments and let all the tears flow i will finally release all the anxiety building up for weeks

i didn't want to be 20 and i didn't want any of this

i thought about how i wasn't allowed to cry and how i wasn't allowed to mess up

and i just wanted to say sorry. i want/wanted to say it over and over again because it has been killing me inside.

i just wanted someone to support me and take care of me because i am failing at doing at on my own

none of this enough, and i am so sorry. i wanted to be my moms arms and just explain it all

finally i just have to turn myself onto my back and tell myself to breathe 

tell myself that it had been enough and i wasn't allowed to lie down and die like i did last time.

everything still aches.

[lazy-poems]

Every time I think to myself with disappointment "I could have been better than this" I respond "then be better than this."

[lazy-poems]

"I remember writing on the beach and trying to sort through all the thoughts that confused me so much the night before and of course Nacho was the only one who asks if he could read it. I wanted him to, honestly, I did — but the handwriting was too cluttered just like the thoughts they were trying to put to paper."

[lazy-poems]

somedays i'd do just about anything to feel just about anything, to breathe.

somedays i'd do just about anything to not feel nothing, to breathe.

[lazy-poems]

It is strange to accept yourself as strong and powerful and brave just to accept yourself as you are it is strange to feel confident and empowered in your own skin, on your own two feet I wish it hadn't taken me so long to get here but damn it feels good I don't like how I got here I broke every part of myself and every part of my life even my cracks had cracks and now I feel like it has been put back together into something else, someone else, someone better.

[lazy-poems]

I was in love with a place

Sometimes, I miss it all so much. I can hear my heart crack. I look back and every picture makes me smile ear to ear. Then the realization of it all - that it was really one in a lifetime that won't ever experience any of it again hits me. It makes me want to jump out of my skin and run across the atlantic to run home. This heart of mine, was meant to travel. This heart of mine, was meant to break.

[lazy-poems]

in 2014 i started to learn how to love people's souls even if i don't do anything else, this year has been successful

[lazy-poems]

When I die the nitrogen and phosphorous in my bones will grow the flowers and trees that I now love. Maybe that is why I care about the world so much.

[lazy-poems]

I am struggling to hold on to the strongest part of me - the part with fire and drive, the part that is ready to fight. I am either all or nothing - I am trying to hold on to it all. Everything is a burden, but nothing is a vacuum.

[lazy-poems]

I haven't genuinely smiled in a picture since 2012

my eyes are weak.

[lazy-poems]

Deep Breath, Deep Breath

Paranoia

Breathless

Deep Breath, Deep Breath

Fear

Breathless

Heath Racing

Mind Racing

Feet Still

[lazy-poems]

it is both beautiful and heartbreaking to watch yourself die, knowing it was you who did killed your hope and charisma, but then come back despite the darkness within yourself.

[lazy-poems]

the spiral

it is a the slipperiest slope of all and I refuse to fall all the way to the bottom this time

It's been so long since I've been "here" and now I know

It's not him per say, but what it all means

never good enough, and never doing anything about it

and the funny part is

this wouldn't matter if I just had one person

one person to say it's okay, you don't have to change

and every time I convince myself on my own that I am

I can't

and it crushes me

I might as well just resign from life

it all becomes and worthlessness follows

and I could change it, but it's been 20 years and change is easier said than done

I feel like I'm literally going to go insane in this circle, because I can't say no, you are always there

and here we repeat the self loathing

and I go crazy but I just want your approval even though I will NEVER have it and honestly, when I know that's no even what I really want

either way, I will slowly go insane in this spiral until I am content

but right now, I'd rather just cry.

these are the moments, I truly wish I could have lived fast and died young.