laynwardjanine

[laynwardjanine]

I want to cry but i have things to do

[laynwardjanine]

like for bread, reblog for bread, ignore for bread

[laynwardjanine]

August 28, 2015

Not to sound dramatic but exactly one year ago today, my entire life changed. It no longer felt like my life any more. It felt more like a terrible nightmare that I would eventually wake up from in a panic to slowly realize that everything was okay. Except that didn’t ever happen. I just continued to live the nightmare. (Okay I guess that did sound pretty dramatic). 

But exactly one year ago today, we found out you had a brain tumor. A pretty good sized one too. (I feel like good sized tumor has to be an oxymoron of some kind.) I remember the day pretty vividly, unfortunately. It was a Friday and I had gotten up and showered, like any normal day. I remember sitting at my kitchen table, eating breakfast and texting you, like any normal day. We hung out every day that summer. I remember asking how you were doing cause you had just woken up. You said “not good. I have a brain tumor.” I thought you were joking, of course, because we had been joking about that for a couple weeks. Not our best joke. That’s when you told me you weren’t joking. The doctor had just called and told you the results from your MRI. I remember the feeling that consumed my whole body in that moment. It was a feeling I had only felt in dreams but could easily make go away by waking up. I’m not going to say that I ever really got used to that feeling, but I did become more familiar with it. I remember rushing to your house, my mind racing as fast as my car. I remember repeating to myself “It’s okay. Tumors aren’t always cancerous. His white blood cell count was fine. It should be off the charts if it were a cancerous tumor.” I’d repeat that over and over and over again. To myself, to you, to our friends. I was staying hopeful. I had to. I remember finding you in the jacuzzi in the backyard. It was the middle of the day and probably fairly warm out, but you were in that jacuzzi. I know it was a comforting place for you. I remember you standing up out of the jacuzzi and giving me a hug and a kiss. Your body was warm but your lips were cold. They were always so cold when you were in the Jacuzzi. It’s something I’ll never forget. I remember talking to you about it. I started to tear up but you wouldn’t let me. I specifically remember you saying, “you’re not allowed to cry.” I managed to keep it together. I remember how strong you were. You were so scared. I could tell. But you wouldn’t ever tell that to a single soul. You never once said you were scared. You are the strongest person I know and you were infinitely stronger than me. 

I remember going straight to Alex’s house when you had to go to the doctors. I didn’t text or call because I knew I couldn’t do it. I also didn’t know where else to go. I couldn’t just go home and pretend like everything was all fine and dandy. She wasn’t there though. I broke the news to her over a phone call while I sat on her front porch and she sat at a coffee shop. I think I broke all the bad news to her over the phone. I couldn’t do it in person. I’m not strong enough.

The moment I found out you had a brain tumor was the moment I knew that I loved you. Well that’s a weird fucking sentence to write but it’s honestly the truth. I loved you with everything that I had. It wasn’t some dumb puppy love shit. We never really got a honeymoon phase of the relationship because we became official the day you were admitted to the hospital to have fucking brain surgery. Our entire relationship was in the midst of a shit storm of terrible. I loved you with every single part of me, every single day though and I know you did the same. I still love you. I wanted to marry you. I knew you were the one for me when we’d look at each other from across the room and both make ugly faces. But we never even got to celebrate an anniversary. 

[laynwardjanine]

[laynwardjanine]

‘the average woman owns 16 bras’ well shit i didnt know the average woman was made of money

[laynwardjanine]

*Dangerous Woman starts playing* Friend 1: Don’t start Friend 2: I’m begging you Me:

[laynwardjanine]

Best of Andy & Ollie Pesto (the Pesto Twins) - Part 4 of 4

[laynwardjanine]

i would sleep so much better with your arms wrapped around me

[laynwardjanine]

[laynwardjanine]

[laynwardjanine]

[laynwardjanine]

my friend just texted me “it’s not acceptable that trump feels good about himself and you don’t” and i think it’s the most motivational thing i’ve ever read

[laynwardjanine]

[laynwardjanine]

who is going to ride or die for me this hard

[laynwardjanine]

[laynwardjanine]

[laynwardjanine]

When you’re gay in your house with nobody else you’re homolone