laviesecretedemoi-blog

[laviesecretedemoi-blog]

25th January 2018

I avoided this for 25 days but right now seems the right time. I have always been a very curious, rather nosy, person and decided to try and share more rather than find out. Today is the first day of my diary entries for 2018, out in the open for anyone to read.  Today has been hard, I have found myself in an incredibly low mood tonight, hence the late entry. I often have days where I cant seem to make sense of my own mind and thoughts, why do I get so upset so easily about the least important things, am I the only person who’s mind works in a way that feels as though I am almost set out to sabotage myself? 

My mum tells me I have an issue with paying no attention to the hundreds of positives I hear about myself and what  do, but pay great attention to the one negative. I agree with her.  I recently graduated and adult life has hit me harder than I imagined. Moving back home to a village my parents moved to while I was as university meant starting again. However, this time without the ability to go out and get stupidly drunk and make friends in club toilets, I’m a strange age to be ‘playing out’ and meeting friends, and people my age seem to have settled with friend groups they’ve known from school etc. The people I have met here aren’t who I imagine myself being friends with, I don’t feel like i have any real friends.  I have never been the type of person to have a group of girl friends, I have had the odd girl mate here and there which have all ended really bitterly and arguing with girls gives me such awful anxiety.  I struggle with the idea that I know i’m a nice person and I make a really good best friend, but some days I cant stand myself, so why should someone else? I want to make friends, I miss socializing and feeling part of something. I spend a lot of time in my room, alone, as my parents are at work. I’m waiting to start a job at the beginning of march, it feels like forever and I am becoming restless, isolated and unsure of who I am anymore.  I have a lot of problems when it comes to guys, one of the reasons I feel so upset tonight. This isn’t your cliche ‘why doesn’t he like me’ rants. I’m genuinely struggling to come to terms with the fact I have forgotten how to love, I have forgotten how to be in a relationship. I haven’t been treated well by a guy in a very long time, my two previous relationships were hard to say the least. Due to being treated so badly, I have lost all sense of how to be with someone else. I have been trying to work out if its entirely my issue or if its the generation we are in these days, this isn’t just about guys, girls can be just as bad which I would know as I have been that girl on some occasions. I feel as though the way I have been treated has made me cautious and through being cautious I have become picky which I never was. I don’t mean picky as in I only date attractive guys or he must have this or must have that, picky as in knowing my worth and hoping someone will treat me how I deserve.  However due to my disgustingly bad taste and judge of character, I encounter idiots on average, once a month. Idiots that I choose to trust and get attached to before being brutally aired and told I am ‘too intense’ or ‘too full on’. I have been told this so many times now I am beginning to believe it myself, I don’t like being seen in this way and struggle to get myself out of this rut on a regular.  Back to today. I have just started speaking to a guy, he is funny, witty and a little bit nerdy, but I like that about him. We have spoke for a couple of days and have mentioned about meeting up, I decided to drop to question and ask if he was free this weekend. To this I had no response, not for the rest of the night, not for the following day. I felt let down and due to my own insecurities panicked and messaged asking him why, the more I was ignored the more anger I felt and the more I said. Its not cool, I started to understand the ‘too intense’ comments and once again I was in a rut. I think i’ve fucked it, within days I have fucked it. But this is the important part, we spoke for A COUPLE OF DAYS so why do I feel so hurt? Its almost ridiculous to read having wrote it out right now, but I am being 100% honest with these posts.  This isn’t the first time I have felt hurt by a short term, not serious, ridiculous encounter. It happens regularly and I can’t put it down to anything other than the fact my heart is so unsure and so hurt still after years. After losing people in the past, I feel I have gained some kind of attachment issue that I can’t seem to shake.  I hate that I have allowed another human to make me feel this way, to not trust and to not feel I am worth love.  A very negative start to my online diary, I can assure you I’m not a total moaner all the time, prepare to find out everything, I am ready to share it all. B.