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[lavenderington]

Starting to figure stuff out with people in my life—where I want to be and where I want them to be. I have to leave certain people in the past, even though I don’t want to. I’ll cry and be mad when I see those people, but I know it’s for the best. However, I know the three I love the most could never be left in the past. No matter what, they will always have a place in my heart, and I’m okay with that as long as I’m healing and getting better. For the most part, over the last month or so, I’ve been completely alone, and that’s okay with me. I’m learning how to be Marcus—who and what Marcus needs to be Marcus. Once Pastels drops (March 4th, which is her birthday—why? Because I’m weird, and I had a dream about it), I’ll be more present. I’ll be Marcus for everyone.

I wish Gabby, James, Lisandro, Kalvin, Brad, and Morgan had been around my life more these last couple of weeks, but I think it’s good I was alone. I’m finally coping with how to be alone again after Angel, and I’m happy about that. I hate being alone, but it feels natural now. I’m not losing my mind every 48 minutes and spam messaging her, so it’s okay.

As I’m writing this, it’s snowing, and I have the best view. Man, I love life. I just put $80 in Little Isaiah’s college fund. Life is good. I love my nephew, even if I haven’t met him yet.

- Marcus (Stanley) Lavender

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Thousand hand Bodhisattva dance

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I don’t want to be Marcus anymore, why can’t I have the same feelings as everyone else, why can’t I see things the same way everybody else sees it, I’ll never be half the human as my friends are, but I know I have these two human emotions that are very real and that’s what I’m living off of the only reason I’m still breathing is my art and my friends and I’m very close to losing them and that’s okay cause I still have music and my cats and if I look at the bright side Graciela still lets me text her without any response and that’s a fucking win in my book.

[lavenderington]

Just had the realization that I'm the most isolated and alone l've ever been in my life, and it's killing me. This past month might be the most l've ever reached out to multiple people just to feel some sort of love or affection. I'm not embarrassed, but it bothers me. I know people love and care for me, but I just don't feel that love. This is the most l've ever yearned for the simplest human touches. I miss hugging people, I miss handshakes, I miss everything. I wish I wasn't such a recluse, and I wish I didn't regret so many things. I wish I did things right and focused on myself. I wish I couldn't love anyone sometimes, and I hate that because that's what keeps me going. I'm not too deep in right now where I'd kill myself or do anything bad to myself, but I think about it sometimes, and it scares me a little. That's what l'm embarrassed about. I'm embarrassed to be a human with emotions that are a little off the edge. I need to accept who I am, but i know once I do, I'm going to hate myself more than I already do. I spent my birthday alone with my mom because I know that shit would've killed me if I was with my friends or other family. I would've completely broken down because I know once I get 100% accepted by another human or humans, I won't have any more fucks to give about myself or anyone on the planet.

TLDR; Marcus is way too embarrassed and scared to be Marcus and reach out for real help that could possibly make him happy cause that shit make me feel weak

[lavenderington]

I’m very lost and scared right now, and I admit that I’ve been so lost that I’ll just start talking to my friends and forget who I am sometimes. I think I’m starting to say things that might scare them off or make them think differently of me, and I don’t like that. I also admit that it’s your fault I’m so lost, but that’s okay you’re just one human, and you can’t fix all of my problems when you have your own problems. I forgive you for that, and I forgive you for treating me like shit. But I also hope you can forgive me for being such a crybaby asshole. I make everything about me because I’m selfish, and I’ll continue to be selfish until I find my inner peace and can be happy for more than a few days at a time with nobody to talk to. I want to be alone for a week and let the silence speak, so I can figure out what I’m really missing. Right now, I’m way too lost, looking for partners, friends, and everyone else, when I need to find myself.

I can't let this run on for too long, but you're gonna be fine, Marcus. Go make music or something-you're a human with human emotions. Go make music about penguins and food, fatass Nigga, lose weight or something. Develop an eating disorder or something, nigga, I don't care.

[lavenderington]

I ruined us and you know I did

[lavenderington]

STAY CALM. Don’t overthink this stuff; it’s just another day on our Earth, run by creatures in a biosphere. Sometimes we hurt each other for things we want, whether it’s selfish or not, for our own human pleasures or urges. EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY. Just take a second to breathe and realize that what you do now these little mistakes and mishaps are just baby steps to your atonement, which is what makes you learn and feel human. Take some time for yourself and for what you believe. Speak out about it. Sometimes, as human beings, we get agitated with words when all we have to do is JUST SPEAK. I promise someone on the other side will hear you and put those cluttered words that you can’t form together for you, and they will understand you. Sometimes those people understand you more than you understand yourself, and that can be scary, but IT’S GOING TO BE OKAY. Dip your toes in that water, and you’ll find people just like you who have the same beliefs and motives. You will slowly realize YOU’RE IN A NON-JUDGMENTAL PLACE for the first time in a long time, and it feels amazing.

Stay safe LOVE YOUR FRIENDS LOVE YOUR PARENTS learn human history and learn your Agriculture

-Marcus Lavender Stanley

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You’re HEALTHY and HAPPY right now and that’s making me happy all you want me to focus on is MUSIC and just spend a little time with you and I can’t complain about that you make me feel like I’m doing everything right, even though you know I’m going through this short CRISIS right now, you make it feel okay to go through this, I feel amazing my room is clean and my health is good, YOU’VE LICKED MY WOUNDS WITH HONEY and I am finally HEALED.

I LOVE my mom.

[lavenderington]

Sometimes I feel like we’re two equally broken people searching for solace within each other. I often call to see if you have time to hear me vent about whats going on in my life. I’ve almost reached my breaking point and I’ve been avoiding letting my dark thoughts overcome me. I need to be set apart from every other person who is weak and doesn’t want to find inner peace. It’s not a sexual thing. Instead its me yearning to hear her say “It’s gonna be alright” even though shes somewhere just as fucked up and even more distracted. At the end of the day we both have our share of vices and we still have love for one another.

[lavenderington]

I hate dealing with my issues on top of your issues when I care about you more then I care about myself because I start to feel really fucking lost in my own sense of self I don’t do my dishes I don’t clean my room and I don’t do anything most nights when you don’t text my phone every night I hold my phone when I sleep just waiting hoping praying in case you call and I really wanna tell you that sometimes I don’t feel human just so you can see from my side but I get really choked up to even tell you about my feelings and how I feel about anything in my personal life I hate that my dads an alcoholic I hate that my mom is going through bull shit I hate that I still think I’m better than half these niggas I feel beat down tired I’ve been having terrible panic attacks for that past few weeks cause I’m so chocked up on everything I can never get my point or emotions across to people and it’s hard I feel like I’m being interrogated every time I talk to people I shut down I stutter I do all of this bull shit when all I have to do is talk

[lavenderington]

I think a lot of Black men in the community, and even men outside of the community (because a lot of y’all are also part of the problem Latino, white, Indian, Asian, whatever race you are, I don’t care), need to understand that Black women are something to nurture, just like every other woman is, no matter their looks or their personalities. Women as a whole are something to nurture we all wouldn’t be here without women. I think in the Black community right now, there has been a lot of confusion between "ratchet" Black women and Black women. (We never call women hoes and bitches around here y’all know the drill.) A "ratchet" Black woman is a stereotype of Black women that are labeled as loud, sassy, rude, dumb, or just flat-out lacking home training. The term "ratchet" or "ghetto" are stereotypical statements used to target them with a set of negative traits put on them by social media and other outlets. On the other hand, being a Black woman is an identity, rooted in culture and history. I think Black and non-Black men have these two concepts mixed up. Black women who have none of the traits of a "ratchet" woman somehow get mixed into that conversation just because they are Black women. What men need to understand is that they’re stereotyping a whole group of people just like how the white man did to all of us: "Black people are dangerous," "Black people are stupid," "Black people are this and that," etc. That’s what you niggas are doing to Black women. So I want to end this by saying NOT ALL BLACK WOMEN ARE LOUD. NOT ALL BLACK WOMEN ONLY WANT YOU FOR MONEY. NOT ALL BLACK WOMEN WANT TO TRAP YOU INTO A PREGNANCY. NOT ALL BLACK WOMEN GET BBLs. NOT ALL BLACK WOMEN WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU. AND NOT ALL BLACK WOMEN ARE RATCHET

so stop labeling things when you don’t know what you’re talking about.

[lavenderington]

I remember the first time I heard my favorite song. It was January, winter 2017. My mom had recently bought a new car, a 2006 Mazda, because our old one was hella messed up. That’s beside the point. My sister drove me and my other sister to school in that car for almost two years until we moved schools. In that car, there was a CD stuck in the player, and it’s probably still stuck in there. I remember how happy it made me feel. It helped me escape reality. Every time the car started up, the song would come on. It was the first song I ever knew word for word, and no other song has ever made me feel the way it did. It was sweet, somber, and lovely all at once. It helped me forget the bullshit I was going through. It made me feel safe and gave me something to look forward to. My sister would take me to McDonald's every Friday and Monday morning before school. I’d always get a sausage and egg biscuit with a hash brown. She would even pick me up early on those days. Something tells me she knew what I was going through, and that made her a superhero to me. She’ll always be that to me. Fast forward eight years, that ‘06 Mazda got so messed up. It had been through car crashes, slashed tires, and a lot of other bs. It’s now sitting in a junkyard here in Indiana with that O'Jays CD in it, waiting to play "Forever Mine.”

[lavenderington]

With that being said, it’s been 1 year since 'All Dawgs Go to Heaven' came out on streaming my first time dropping as Marcus Lavender. It wasn’t fairy fountain music it was Marcus music and how I felt. I’m proud of myself. I’ve kept up with what I want to do and not what other niggas want, even though I know some niggas really don’t fuck with me like that anymore. Big shoutout to Damian, Von, Kevin, Khalil, Solomon, Tanner, and all the other homies who really put on for me at that time and still go a little hard for me now. Last year, niggas said 2024 was the puzzle pieces for this shit and 2023 was just the growing stage and it was. I’m a better artist and better man than I’ve ever been. I’ve been learning instruments, I know what people like, and I’ll never make that type of music because it’s not me, it’s not Marcus, it’s not Lavender. This Bonnet Boyz Project will be the best niggas will hear from me (as of right now) me actually trying my hardest, me genuinely rapping my ass off. I love this music shit more than I think I love myself, and I’ll never change that for better or for worse.

- Marcus Stanley (Lavender)

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I find it funny how if I don’t make music this nigga like, this nigga won’t fuck with it. Bro won’t share, won’t even tell me he doesn’t fuck with it. But as soon as I make some shit he fucks with, nigga will share it. nigga will hit me up asking if I wanna cook. I don’t understand this shit. Fake ass friend, bro. Fuck this nigga.

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Me and isys shared a sucker like the first week I met her I’ve been in love ever since (I miss her

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Normally when I feel like this I cut myself but not tonight I’m better than that

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I lived with a lie for ten years I went through complete insanity. All on your expense because I didn't want to hurt YOU. Now I'm tired and I don't care anymore. AND IM SELFISH THAT MAKES ME SELFISH. IF THATS THE CASE PIGS CAN FLY AND O.J. DIDNT KILL THAT DAMN WHITE GIRL.